All the words I couldn’t say

I feel that I have to keep reminding people of this more and more as the years go on. I have been violated.

Again.

This time by someone who was supposed to see me as family. Someone who is to possibly one day be my brother-in-law. How can I marry into this family now when I no longer feel safe in it?

I haven’t talked much to anyone about the way these things have made me feel. When he would say things to me about my body, I would flinch. When he would try to get me to have sex with him, I would laugh it off so he wouldn’t see how scared I truly was. When he would lock me in a room with just him, trying to get me to do things with him, as he starts jerking off in front of me, I wanted to cry. And when he touched me, I stayed silent.

For the very first time in my life, I was silent. I wanted to scream, to run, to cry. I wanted to fight, and I did, but I was silent.

And now, I have finally told my truth, and this “man” is making me into a liar. He violated my body and me, and now he’s lying. He’s lying and continuing to violate my very being in the process. Because even though I’m no longer around him, he has welcomed himself into my skin, my brain, my body, my home.

This body is my home and is not here for the taking but for some reason he thought it was for him. I said no. I shouted no. But no is not an answer he will ever accept.

I am more than my body.

But

Right now, I feel like my body is all I am.

Because of you, I will never feel the same again.

Because of you, I will now be more afraid.

Because of you, I will be less trusting than I already was.

And because of you, I will speak my truth a thousand times over until someone hears me, believes me, and puts a stop to you and the way you force yourself onto women.

Today, because of you, I am broken.

But tomorrow, because of you, I will be a little bit stronger than I am today.

I am more than just my body.

I may not be able to fully realize that now, but one day, this body will be one that you’ve never touched.

I will reclaim this body as mine and mine alone.

Because this body is my home,

But I am not my body.