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All the words I couldn’t say

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I’ve opened my heart up for people many times, and I’ve had it broken even more. I’m genuinely a good person and I always try to be there for everyone, even when I can’t be there for myself. You see, I used to be the kind of person that helped and helped no matter what, no matter how many times I was screwed over. I used to let people walk all over me and then ask for my help in the next breath. I’m not like that anymore. There came a day when I hit rock-bottom and I couldn’t help anyone anymore. At first, I thought it was just me. I thought it was just because of me. Maybe because I didn’t feel good enough, or because I wasn’t loved enough, or not helping enough. And it wasn’t until I laid in my bed for days, drunk and in tears that I finally realized, it was that last option: I wasn’t helping enough. Not that I wasn’t helping other people enough, because I was doing plenty of that, but it was that I wasn’t helping myself enough. I wasn’t taking care of me physically, emotionally, or mentally. My mentality was a mess. My depression and anxiety got stronger than ever before. My emotions were an obstacle all on their own. I isolated myself to the point where nobody knew what to do with me. Nobody knew if I was hurting or not. I was still surrounded by people but I isolated myself so much that I was still alone because I wouldn’t let anyone know what I was feeling. And physically, I broke myself. I was cutting my skin to shreds, taking so many pills that I was in early liver failure, not to mention that I was drinking day-in and day-out while taking those pills. I couldn’t keep up with my school work anymore. I couldn’t keep up with conversations anymore. I couldn’t keep up with myself anymore.

This was rock-bottom...
....until it wasn’t.

That day, I realized what was going on. I started asking for help. Not everybody I asked believed me when I said I needed help but one person did. Once I was better, I realized that my health needs to come first, whether that be mentally or physically, I have to come first because I’m the only one that will put me first above all else. So, I stopped opening my heart to people who didn’t deserve it. I’ve now saved myself a lot of heartbreak. I got a lot of shit for it, but it’s made me better in the long run.

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