Have you ever felt like your life didn't matter and you constantly felt unwanted? Well, if yes imagine that tenfold because that's how I've felt ever since covid hit, unwanted and feeling like my life has no meaning. I often felt this on a regular basis when things got too hard like everyone's lives would be better off without me but according to people, that's a stupid thought being alive is the best thing that anyone could wish for.
Well ya sur, you can wish revival upon your dead relatives but life isn't the best thing for most people so quite assuming that being alive is the best thing because it isn't, people are going through problems you would never imagine and just wish for escape or release from their problems and when all else fails death is their only option and don't come at me about 'Oh just ask for help I'm sure someone will help you' I don't think people understand that saying that isn't going to help either is asking for help especially during covid because everyone has their own issues and don't want any more problems or can't afford to help so that question is useless because it doesn't matter how many people you ask for help they will give you the same answer.
Before you come at me let me ask you this, if some stranger came to you this very moment and asking for help because they want to kill themselves what would you do? Tell the truth what would you do?
Do you think if they were an adult they would get any help? Who knows maybe they might find that one person willing to walk through hell to help them but that's one chance in a million because life isn't like in fairytales people don't just help you considering they are struggling with their own issues or simply don't want anything to do with you, that's the truth and its life.
I'm not saying that everyone is like that but I'm just stating the facts, it's hard to make it in this world truly it is and there's no simple way to fix things there never is. That's why you see so many people go down a dark path because they never got the help or support they needed.
In fact, suicide deaths have risen since covid started because people lost hope in things ever getting better, not only did they lose hope but they lost their homes, their families and much more. I was one of those unfortunate soles who lost everything during covid and that I will never forget because it was at the peak where my suicidal thoughts were constant day and night just that nagging voice telling me to just do it and finally have peace. I mean it sounded like utter bliss just to have everything cease to exist just to finally have absolute peace.
One might think I'm absolutely mad for thinking that, that life has so much to offer that I should just wait and pray because good was coming my way. Well, I waited and waited ya sure we never ended up in the streets but I was still craving that sweet relief death provided, I learned that being rich didn't bring you all the happiness you desired and being poor wasn't the worst thing that can happen to someone as long as you had a loving family to support you.
I use the term Loving loosely because not everyone is fortunate to have a supportive family by their sides which can take quite a toll on you. The constant nagging of people insulting you left and write can leave a permanent mark on you feeling like you are those things and that the world didn't need you that you were unwanted.
"Can't do anything right"
Those are just simple examples of words used to bring you down and often they can get to you in more ways than one. I was called a lot of things which left a giant hole in my heart which also led me to believe I was never good enough that I deserved to die because I was a horrible person but that was just the demons whispering in my ear telling me all those horrible things.
For some time I used to believe I was all those insults that led me to resort to cutting just to relieve myself of those feelings. Everyone has their own way of feeling pain and physical pain was just my way to silence the dark thoughts to feel numb even for a little bit. I know many don't agree with this sort of thing because it's considered stupid and unnecessary because you could just talk to someone.
Talk to someone and do what?
I wonder often why people think talking your feelings out is going to help in any shape or form, it doesn't always work you just end up feeling like a fool after revealing all your secrets to someone who could use them against you.
Talk is cheap but actions are priceless.
So whenever someone told me they loved me it was pretty hard to believe because I never loved myself and I didn't see any reason why anyone would love me because I was a big pile of a mess. Maybe I was too harsh on myself or maybe the world was lying to me and no one loved me I was just grasping at straws to stay alive for god knows what.
Truth be told I didn't know what love was because I never accepted that it existed, if someone told me they loved me I would yell in my head,
Because I couldn't accept that someone could mean that and considering I had major trust issues saying it back always left a bitter taste in my mouth.
I Love You Too
I always felt like I was lying because I never knew the true extent of love even today I'm not sure the actual depth of that word. Does loving someone mean you would die for them or someone you care about until it inconveniences you?
Perhaps we humans haven't even grasped the true meaning of Love, perhaps we haven't even hit the tip of the iceberg after all we do love to claim things we don't understand as long as we get famous because of it then so what? Is it bad that sometimes I'm even ashamed of being human?
Because I don't see what we could be so proud of considering all the bad we've done, could one truly call us the superior species?
THERE IS HOPE
Contact the South African Depression and Anxiety Group on 0800 567 567
Available 24 hours.
International Suicide and Emergency Hotlines