Moment in time
That night I would not sleep, something about his comments about give up on love kept me up most of the night even throe I was determined not to let him. I turn on the cd player and the song called See you at the crossroad comes on. For the last year’s and half, I been listen to this song over and over again.
As always it takes me back in time, few weeks before he meets Lisa Turner we were at dinner at the Smith’s place for the youngest member’s birthday, she was turning nine years old. I was bored out of my mind and was starting to fall sleep. When the song See you at the crossroad came on the radio and Alec started to sing along, then in one move he turns and pulls me up on my feet. Before I knew what was happening we were dancing around the birthday girl playroom. It was the first time we dance with each other out side competitions. I must have fallen asleep at some point, next thing I knew it was game day.
I got up with a funny feeling in the pit of my tummy. You know that gut feeling that tells you it going to be a good or bad day. I had this warm feeling inside me, it was three years ago that I last had this feel. Back in 1996 when Sri Lankan won the cricket world cup but this is different somehow. If I had given it any consideration I would have to go back to August 1993 our annual snow trip.
That year was the first time that I note that Alec just may have some kind of feels for me. That trip gave me hope of one day that he would be mine to love and care for. To this day I still remember that day like it was yesterday even if I did brake our hearts that every day I reserved my first kiss.
Two big event that happened stand out that year. One been when I went flying and landed face first into the snow. I then had to sit in the car with heating on for the next hour try to get worm and he had sat in the car with me.
“You know you don’t have to sit here with me” I told him.
Only to have him tell me “I am going to do something I most like shouldn’t but it had been something have to desire for a while now”
he smiles at me then out of the blue he kissed me afterwards he walks out of the car leave me with my mouth open in surprise. I was 12 years old at the time and that had been my first kiss and of course I was over the moon not that would ever tell him that not in this lifetime, inside I was dancing for joy now don’t get me wrong he as kisses me on the cheek before well every year on my birthday, new year and any time we got together I would get hallow and goodbye kiss, has you get from good friend but he has never Kiss me on the lip before. Later I found out that he was on painkillers that day for two broken ribs. Poor Alec must have an apology for good half an hour before I told him to shut up about it.
I half wonder and half feared what his reaction would be if he had known that I walked in him twice, once at arms-giving eight years ago and then again just the night before that kiss. When had stop at the Inn to change that the end of the day rent a room out for the day, I blame his younger brother Jackson for it. He had told me no one was in to the room, boy was he wrong every wrong because I got to full body look at Alec thankfully his back was to the door and didn’t see me. He got leg off a runner, he muscles are tone and defined, the boy is fit.
That night indoor BBQ. There was a small indoor playground for kids. I may not be a kid anymore but I always love the swings, there was something about wind in your face has it goes higher and faster that was refreshing. I was sitting in the swing think about what to say to him about the kiss we had a share. I go into a daydream as I remember the parting words that were side by both of us.
“may I sit here,” he asked and nodded my head. Not one of us said anything for a good few mins.
I didn’t look at him, I started to swing myself. Swings as always be my favourite play equipment at a park.
“are you mad at me,” he asked me, his voice soba. I shake my head; it as seems that I have lost my voice for the time been.
“I am umm... sorry,” He tells me, I stop swing all at once, fear take hold even has try fight it. I look at him but he his looks ahead without facing me.
“I mean huh... I not sorry that umm. I kissed you, I huh... could never be umm... you know sorry about that” he says he sound lost and unsure of himself, this was not the Alec I come to know and love. He turns to look at me. We were face to face and I nodded my head.
“I am sorry, umm... look I umm... don’t want to lose your friendship huh... but after that away I behaved I understand if you don’t want to be my friend anymore,” he tells me. I stand in front of him and even bone in body told me run to hills.
“let go for a walk,” I say to him and he nodded his head.
“please don’t say anything until I am done ok,” I ask him and nodded his head.
Where to start, just how much do I tell him? I did know if I wanted to risk my friendship at this point in my life it did not matter I was not ready to be a relationship even if it didn’t was with him.
“I love you, you have always been there for me and even stood up for me more times than I care to count. For that I love you, that and the fact that you just been you, my best friend.” I take well need a breath.
I say “As my best friend I know I count on to be there for me. But Alec until today I was ignorant as to your feels, I am the first to say that I like that course it was safe” I take his arm which makes him look at me.
Bite my bottom lip give him a shake smile I say “I like that feeling safe because like you I don’t want to lose your friendship. I am scared that if it don’t work out between us that would lose your friendship. I had never said anything about my feeling it is because I not ready to take the next step in our friendship.” I look him in the eyes.
I tell truth and hope that somewhere down the line that we would one day be to together. “I am 12 year of age Alec; you are almost 15 years of age. I don’t want you to wait for me, I want you find yourself a girlfriend and be happy. If, however down the road when I am ready for that next step, you are not with anyone and you still have these feels then, by all means, I will be more than happy to take that step with you.” I wait for him to say something.
He takes me into a hug and says “we are ok right,” asked. I knew from sound of his voice that I broke his heart even throe I did give us hope it still hurt him and me.
I hug him and say “yeah always” I smile into his chat. I know that even if I back out of his life little more that I would always be there for him even if he was not always aware of it.
Coming out of my day dream, I run down into the kitchen I couldn’t wait for this day to start. Everyone was had gathered at our place. We had a day’s drive ahead of us.