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The Quintessential Guide to Needless Breathing

By Darcy Quinn All Rights Reserved ©

Poetry / Humor


The answer to the question you never asked, needlessly intuitive spin on life as we don't know it.


When I signed up with the OU studying physiology, it struck me that there’s a whole level of understanding missing, a whole dimension of our experience that you can’t explain with science. Emotions, Freud is accepted as a genius by some for his exploration of the id ‘we think about sex’ revelation. He got some surreal absurdities in there, penis envy among others, then turned them into a science. Woody Allen pointed out that it’s not only women who have penis envy, and that’s the problem, absurdities are more real than we think. Turns out every angle has got something tangible. I turned my thesis in but opinion has been split over its validity, and that’s why I’m making it public.

Thesis: Breath and the Lack of Breath and Other Things in the Expression of Age Related Existentialism, in the Context of All Life As We Know It per se.

Lots of people are anticipating your last breath, you are a demographic, the senior market is particularly brutal and brash, like we got no feelings any more. Well, they did try to frame incontinence as a whoops moment or a sensitive bladder, give them that, it sounds better than a degenerative state. Is your bladder irritable, easily affected, a bit touchy or highly strung, maybe it’s a bit laid back, turned on, it can multi task, you can’t trust a bladder even a thick skinned one. Marketing, see through it, a sensitive bladder, yes, Iv’e got a sensitive one, it’s psychic, like in touch with the dead, every time I take a pee it gets an aura, ‘hello whose that knocking on my uterus, do you have a message for me’.

Wrinkles, we were so elated they invented a cure we almost gave up botox. ‘Is this the best scam in the world’, sorry typo, ‘cream in the world. In just six weeks you could knock off ten years of your savings. So in thirty weeks you’ll be a juvenile with no pubic hair laughing at people with wrinkles and money in the bank’. In advertising framing is everything ‘You were created to be special, tear down the walls be who you really are, but you, you there, no you, your’e so not worth it’. I used to get mail for penis enlargement, I’m a woman so obviously centered in Freud’s demographic black hole, maybe a cigar is just a cigar.

Bibliography pending. a mention to Freud and Woody Allen.

I’m Not Sensitive

I’m not off my trolley, don’t have arthritic hips,

I can hear the people near, don’t need to read their lips.

Don’t think I need a psychic, don’t need a funeral plan,

the ballpoint or the timepiece, or an overnight bed pan.

Don’t have a slack bladder, or want a lifting chair,

don’t want a loft ladder or susannah on the stairs.

I know it’s demographic, this market that I’m in, but when you

send me all this stuff I stick it in the bin. I know it’s just bad

timing, but when it comes to pass, I won’t choose your

company and you can kiss my arse.

Romance isn’t dead, and if Frank Sinatra wasn’t he might sing something like this. Bad breath was invented to stop over population, if you have the breath of Armageddon it’s probably your mothers fault, too many sweets, Greggs and fags leads to gum disease. The dentist will tell you it’s your own fault, don’t believe them, they are repressing their own childhood id.

Romancing You

It’s impossible to get close to you

Impossible, the things that you do,

when we kiss I can’t help but fall down,

when you pass you know I hit the ground,

somethings in the air,

halitosis isn’t rare.

It’s a tragedy, that’s what you are

Tragedy, we only get so far,

darling when you breathe down my neck

it smells like the poop deck

Impossible, they ought to put it in a jar,

you smell like beluga caviar.

Do you think we’ve lost our way in communication? Every little thing we say has an acronym like we don’t have time to talk. Yeah, I’m busy TTFN. It was our mother’s fault, started in the forties, “what’s for dinner mum”, “BALLS”. Bread and lard large serving. Having visitors to share a meal, mum changed it up to FHB. Family hold back, though some of us thought it was FAB, Fidget a biscuit. Look where it has lead us to ASBOS.

We’d just got the hang of it when the bubble burst open and there was an epic flood of acro's. ASTRO, Always stating the really obvious, was something I had always done but didn't know. Obviously it got shortened to CO, Captain obvious. Forgive anyone who thought it wasn’t obvious.

Jo Brand invented TLL Tenna Lady leaks, her audiences must be sensitive, touchy and highly strung, the auditorium’s gushing. When I was looking for work I got a letter, not one but many, ATOS, I didn’t go, if they didn’t give one neither did I. I found out that people can suffer a thing called rhymes disease, they call it RAP, Rejects attempting poetry, it isn’t a negative. Going to put it on a CV like a proud little shit, gonna make it up a lot and mix a little bit, yoh, now I’m Tenny-son, common, common, I need medicine. Can I have some of that stuff that Honey G is taking, I heard Mary B puts it in her baking, need a sedative, and to edit it. ADHD, obviously.

Don’t be fooled by imitations, SHART is just a cross between two things. Some are reverse acronyms, like SPAM, something posing as meat or in your inbox, another fine accolade. Eat it or delete it, there are no other known therapeutic routes, but don't breath it, that is the TSE’s, molding it is benign, the Turner Museum accepts spongiform models, especially little pink pigs. Back to heavy breathing and women's conversations.

Acronym’s And Things

I’m a little RHINO today, I had SIAM it was two way,

Did he have a quick RE?,

No he was a SMART as he could be

three minutes CO.

I see.


Really here in name only, Sexual intercourse at midnight, Recurring error, Specific, Measurable, Agreed, Realistic, Time-bound. I won’t cover CO again.

Bibliography: Jo Brand et al.

It’s a dog eat dog world, that’s why things aren’t too good, no one’s wagging their tail, not since it was eaten. Dog eats dog, we wouldn’t have to give to charity any more, the dog pounds are empty. What then, a leviathan, one big fat dog breaks out of Dogs Trust and starts on the strays. Even dogs have their class system, the poor and weak go first, now what about those pedigree’s. If they go by government MO sacrifice the mangy first, just tax the flea bitten heavily, the Labradoodles have investments in offshore islands, no one’s barking about them. Where does it leave you, stuck with a Labradoodle that can’t fit through the door. Fat shit dogs that need organ transplants, no donors left, doggy bags the size of air balloons.

News flash, ‘Two Labradoodle’s mating caused panic on the underground today when a large penis with barbs went down on Baker Street Station. We have more, over to Brendan. What can you see. Well Sharna it isn’t pretty, Rex has his doghood stuck on the down escalator, emergency services will have it under control any time now’. ’Thank you Brendan. We have professor Blidhund here in the studio, tell us a bit more about canine intelligence, how did fat shit dogs get their first Bill through Parliament Professor and what can we do? ’Well, it centers on ownership wangles over the toilet bowl, and rights to clean drinking water, there’s an easy solution to this Sharna, people should shit in the garden like they are told.

There’s no easy answer to a dog eat dog world, a dog can still only cannibalize so many dogs. We love our pets, especially our panting friends with dog breath, and they love us back unconditionally, no matter what. What would happen if dogs could talk, here’s how it might look.

Sycophantic Antics


Your’e really a fun loving guy and I’d like to let sleeping dogs lie, though your knackers look neat, your’e too indiscreet, so au revoir, off they come and goodbye. My dear little brown nosing mate, they’re going before it’s too late, I’m donating your bits cos I’m out of my wits with you shagging at our garden gate.

dog replies

Step away from the swingers he growls, the mutts nuts are staying he howls, you cannot castrate, serve em up on a plate, if you try I’ll empty my bowels.

Eh eh, I’m begging you man, don’t snip them into a pan, eh eh what’s a dog without swagging, or bragging or fagging eh, or chasing off every white van?


My dear little boot licking friend, there’s things that you can’t comprehend.... hey boy, bone.....

dog replies

ahahaha bone, oh boy was I asleep or something, oh man I love you, can we go to the park, can we, eh eh eh, there’s no chicks there after dark, eh eh eh, man I love your balls, hey am I missing something here eh eh eh. lick, lick, my ass your face, that’s a funny one...eh eh eh

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