The Quintessential Guide to Needless Breathing

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In the surreal world of Freud, dogs and sensitive bladders nothing is impossible. The answer to the question you never asked, needlessly intuitive spin on life as we don't know it.

Poetry / Humor
Darcy Quinn
Age Rating:


The World and death comment

The world is a complicated place. Take this thesis: Breath and the Lack of Breath and Other Things in the Expression of Age Related Existentialism, in the Context of All Life As We Know It per se leads to death. Yes, that’s how everything reads to me. I’m getting old.

With lots of people anticipating our last breath, and wanting a piece of the action it becomes clear. We are a demographic. If you are of age, then the senior market is particularly brutal and brash. We have no feelings. They did try to frame incontinence as a whoops moment or a sensitive bladder. You can’t trust a bladder but you can trust us. We will put it right. Marketing a sensitive bladder?, yes, Iv’e got a sensitive one. It doesn’t listen to rubbish.

Then there is wrinkles, we were so elated they invented a cure we almost gave up botox. ‘Is this the best scam in the world’, sorry typo, ‘cream in the world. In just six weeks you could knock off ten years of your savings'. So in thirty weeks you’ll be a juvenile with acne laughing at people with wrinkles and have an empty bank account.

In advertising framing is everything ‘You were created to be special, tear down the walls be who you really are, but you, you there, no you, your’e so worth it’. I am a person framed within a large demographic black hole.

I’m Not Sensitive

I’m not off my trolley, don’t have arthritic hips,

I can hear the people near, don’t need to read their lips.

Don’t think I need a psychic, don’t need a funeral plan,

the ballpoint or the timepiece, or an overnight bed pan.

Don’t have a slack bladder, or want a lifting chair,

don’t want a loft ladder or susannah on the stairs.

I know it’s demographic, this market that I’m in, but when you

send me all this stuff I stick it in the bin. I know it’s just bad

timing, but when it comes to pass, I won’t choose your

company and you can kiss my ear.

The World, Communication and Acronyms Comment:

Do you think we’ve lost our way in communication? Every little thing we say has an acronym like we no longer have time to talk. I’m busy TTFN. It was our mother’s fault, listening to Jimmy Young who started it. Having visitors around to share a meal changed up from ‘be polite not greedy and share’ to FHB. Family hold back, though some of us thought it was FAB. But look where it has led us to. Because we think we do not have time to talk or share good values in their place we have ASBOS.

In the developing world, just when we had got the hang of a new faster pace of life, and new breeds of acronym, that's when the bubble burst. An epic flood of acro’s followed (lol). ASTRO, Always stating the really obvious, was something I had always done, but I didn’t know until an acro was given to it. Having even less time to talk it got foreshortened to CO. Captain obvious. (Forgive anyone who thought it wasn’t obvious).

Jo Brand invented TLL Tenna Lady leaks bringing to an end puddles in auditorium’s. Looking for work, you receive a letter, not one but many, from ATOS. If they didn’t give one why should we? Further cultural progress brought us a musical movement called Rapping. Everyone was suffering from a thing called rhymes disease, RAP. Rejects attempting poetry.

Don’t be fooled by imitations, in a world of complexity some evolved further to become reverse acronyms. Like SPAM, something posing as meat or something in your inbox. Eat it or delete it. Art for arts sake. The Turner Museum accepts spongiform models, really that is a fact. A pink pig spongiform model sat in it's galleries for public consumption. Do the eyes see something the conscience no longer comprehends?

The World’s Gone to the Dogs Comment:

It’s a dog eat dog world, that’s why things aren’t too good, the tail’s wagging the dog. Exploitation is the reality. Take the dogs tail, cook and repackage it as oxtail soup. The world re-packages and re-brands every commodity. Poor people make it - modern day slaves. Corporations give it a pedigree (a lie) and sell it on.

Government MO is animal farm and we are the dogs:

Tax the cross breeds, the mongrels. Labradoodles are exempt, with investments in offshore islands, no one will bark about that. Where is it leading? Fat Labradoodle’s that can’t fit through the door. Fat dogs that harvest from the poor to enhance their own lives. It’s all doggy bags.

Radio News flash, ’Professor Harris is here in the studio, tell us a bit more about canine intelligence please. How does one become top dog.'

’Well, it centers on ownership wangles over resources, the rights to a clean earth, clean drinking water, food, sanitation, that sort of thing.”

“What can people do?”

“There’s an easy solution, people should ignore God like they have been taught.”

“How can you be so certain?”

“I have a doctorate.”

“That sounds spiritually desolate. Shouldn’t listeners make up their own minds?”

Professor laughs.

‘You mean our dear boot licking friends, absurd!’

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