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Quintessentially Needless

By Darcy Quinn All Rights Reserved ©

Other / Poetry


A spin on the mechanics of social disfunction, statistical illusion and dentists who want your blood on Halloween. A twitchy patient disenfranchised from the whole teeth cleaning scene..

Living up to your name

Things that don’t live up to their name

Failing makes you humble, no one can rise until they have tasted what is under the crust of humble pie or until they have slept in a bed of its crumbs. Nothing's easier than rolling around in crumbs, but help is patchy these days. The CAB used to be well funded but since austerity measures they don't do face to face, they now hand out an information leaflet called how to rip yourself a new one. It's pretty comprehensive, there's a government grant you can apply for if you need a mirror and sign posting. The Salvation Army still helps anyone who can't follow the instructions and will provide soothing music in your down time. Down on my luck they took me in and helped me out, fed me, clothed me and got me into an emergency dentists. It’s my own fault, if only I had criticised my mothers care more, if I had listened to Tony Blair I wouldn't have eaten the jam sandwiches she put in my lunch box.

The sign above the door offered something of an oasis, a peaceful island of calm in the midst of the chaos of pain. That’s the promise. It’s a dilemma, you can't call a dental practice dental ache or caps for carries. Dazzling Dentures, would we go there? It's an awkward pitch, after all they are going to cause you pain, so they choose branding names carefully, one's that have karma, but how do you apply the trade descriptions act to it, we're very nice people who are going to hurt you, we would like feedback on how satisfactory it was. That's why it's under health not commerce, in health they can hurt you as much as they like for your own good.

The black Halloween bats strung around the reception desk calmed me, no conflicts there, made sense they do use that little suction tool to get any spare blood down into a bottle hid under the rinse stand, which goes who knows where. Maybe it goes down the drain or maybe it’s someone’s guilty pleasure.

There’s never much to read at this wellspring, in the waiting area what's to read, smile weekly, excuse me CO, who'd sit there grinning, anyway I can't crack one off more than once a month. A screen runs a show of nasty nashers. A notice to non attenders. Co again, like they’re not there to read it. Anyway, attenders know this, 247 non attenders caused the loss of 500 working man hours. Run it past me, I attended, so MY bill got hiked to pay for those who didn't, and then you told me. No wonder they don't even think about not coming back. Being a demographic sucks, I get sexism and ageism, but being just a statistic was just a different sort of torture.

As a demographic no one ever needs consider whether it's ethical for advertisers to continue to squeeze 70 to 80 year olds, if they're young enough to work they're young enough to part with their life savings, it's ok as long as you add a hearing loop and sign language. As a statistic baby boomers are lumped in with everyone else whether they can remember who they are or not.

I thought about it and got the receptionists attention. "Excuse me, do you mean when you have no patients left you'll have to read your notices yourself?". "No" she replied "that's for you to read". "Yes but the last people who read it didn't come back did they?" She shrugged in that way receptionists do. The sales cabinet was more informative, interdental brushes and mouth rinse, with orgasmaglucomate, for heavens sake it’s my birthday, I'll rinse my teeth, now. When you see a bottle of that and it says don’t swallow, you want to.

We’re Not In A Relationship. Me and my dentist aren't in one, were just not, but professionals have this way of describing it as one. He gets money, I get pain, what sort of relationship is that?


I'm sorry, really sorry, it's my fault and your'e right, I couldn't walk here, couldn't talk, my full body cast was too tight, was on the floor, knocked deaths door, they bought me back to life, need I say more, lets do it, put on your glove.

Dentist, open up,

I must tell you, simply tell you that your mouth is a sight, your gums are minging, teeth just clinging, open up and now bite. I’m not a wizard, you sad bug blizzard, you’ve got the mouth hygiene of a monitor lizard, sit back it's a labor of love.

Rinse with the mouthwash please and suction. It’s not good news, full clearance I’m afraid.


I’m just saying that I’m praying I’ll go home with some teeth tonight, Get to it, work through it, but just clean off the turkish delight. Listen squadie, don’t be snotty, your’e gonna take ’em out over my dead body, and we'll fall, fall out of love.


A full clearance, you’ve no insurance, then I wont venture on a denture today. Your legs are shaking your knees are quaking, how could I treat you this way. Lets forget it, I now regret it, I’ll clean them up and you forget I ever said it, lets do it, lets do it your way, it's that wonderful, impossible, splendorous, momentous moment when I suck your blood, then I'll unglove.

And spit.

A & E. Department. Come on wake up, stay with us, what did you swallow. "Sister, whats the stats", "elderly confused female, semi concious, says she had the best night of her life". "stomach pump her, it's another mouth rinse case".

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