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Cold eyes staring right back at me,

Never in my life have I thought that I would practice smiling

But here I am, trying to move my heavy lips

They refuse to even twitch, painful.

My laugh so void of any emotion, I'm dry.

But this will do though,

They will be too occupied with something better to even notice,

I look at her one more time,

I don't see me, so I leave...

Dark under eyes, blotched eyes, they notice - great.

I've been studying all night, I excuse myself,

But was I, really? I only remember crying all night, screaming, pulling my hair,

Trying to make the voices stop

Trying to make the monsters in my room go away

Trying to shush the voices inside my head

I was on the ground, screaming loud, whilst everyone was in bed,

I didn't know how to make everything stop but they didn't need to know that...im trying

They are all happy, free and at peace - look at them,

Their worlds are full of blossoms and butterflies whilst mine is dusty, musty and dead,

As I try harder to absorb their energy my walls shake

Tears itching, burning my eyes, threatening to spill, begging to be released

But I can't.....

I can't ruin the moment so I quickly blink them away, steading my walls,

They can't see my vulnerability, simply CAN'T!

I've worked so hard to build this walls around me,

It took me dawns and dusks to master this smile.

Dear God I'm trying...

Friends, where are they? You may ask,

Ah they are here somewhere or are they?

I don't even know anymore

I don't know who my friends are,

They all wearing the same fake smile as the rest, proclaiming fake love

But...just when I turn my back, they repeatedly stab me alongside the rest until I can't feel the pain no more,

They don't even call me back,

What if.... I'm someone they never want around?

When the day is over, it's just me with myself and I,

It is so quiet when I'm coming home and I'm on my own,

The silence becomes so loud it's deafening,

There's only I when the lights go down

And I've been lying, saying I like it like that

But I can't take it anymore,

I can't....take my wondering thoughts no more, they cut deeper than a razor, I'm bleeding pain.

I've been giving out signals

Favourite colour became black

Started listening to dark pop

The road to church became narrower and the road to kaAnti became wider

Eyes always painted black to hide my sorrows

I'm not gothic!

I'm sad! Get it? No... You dont

Are you really that blind

Please, anyone get me out of this darkness

I can't pull myself out

It is just too powerful for me now

Who can I blame though?

I've been feeding this, now it wants to swallow me.

But what happened to me? You may ask

Remind me to tell you about it before you go to bed today because tomorrow might be too far

I've endured this pain for far too long.