Final Symphony
Hiding, composing, creating, sitting in the darkness of the studio for days, months…and then years. I longed to be loved again, to speak to people for real instead of online or in a letter. Yet, fear kept me away, no one would ever love me if I showed my face outside the studio…
I spent yet another night crying as I sat before my modular keyboard, playing a beautiful, slow, but agonizingly distressing tune. All my life was now filled with sound. The music filled my mind, stabbed my heart endlessly, pounded in my head constantly, turned my dreams to nightmares and my blessings to curses. It told me every second that I was not good enough. I had to make my music better, better, better, master it better, tune it, perfect it, it is still not enough. Better, better, better, never enough. Still I am worthless, still my music is not enough, not incredible enough. Not enough not enough. Failure, pointless, worthless, useless…
“WHY CANT I DO IT RIGHT!!!HOW DARE I?????!!!!” Smashing glass, cutting with the shards down my wrists, watching blood drip onto the piano keys, “YOURE NOT GOOD ENOUGH!!DO IT BETTER!!!YOU WORTHLESS FAILURE OF A MUSICIAN!!!I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!ITS TOO LOUD!!!TOO MUCH!!!”
A choking sound as I plunge the glass into my neck and collapse to the floor. The storm outside strongly rivaled by the chaotic electronic symphony on replay on my computers, pounding in the speakers and vibrating the floor. The chaotic, sickeningly perfect song, the sickly sweet tune of the Final Symphony.
