Now, I really see.. Not just face value.
When it takes you, it really takes you.
Grabs a hold with no relent in sight.
Triple Tidal Wave.
Tsunami, if you will.
You state; “I’m going under. I’m so exhausted from lacking a safe haven in my own mind. It’s going to destroy me. Please, forgive me.”
You’re struggling to keep you’re head above water.
I watch you flailing and gasping for air.
Struggling for your life.
And you apologize to me?
What events have you endured that remorse seemed as if though it was the correct step?
My dear, no.
I’m sorry that I didn’t find you sooner.
That I can’t do more for you besides sit by idly.
Remember when we said til death?
That’s what watching this unfold resembles.
I am rendered powerless.
The only thing I can promise, when you come out of it, I’ll be here.
I won’t be cold.
I won’t punish you for feelings you can’t control.
I did that before.
Before, I understood.
Now, you hesitate before finally giving into me.
I deserve that.
You tried to lean on me with full weight before and
I tripped and we both fell.
I was so unsteady.
You were strong enough for the both of us.
You held us both up as you struggled to find your will to live.
I told you to lean on me.
Then, I dropped you.
I wouldn’t rely on me fully again either.
I was supposed to be the one who didn’t let you fall.
For that, I’m sorry.
The fact that I know how it feels to sit alone in your head, fending everything off. Trying to convince your mind that the ‘facts’ it offers are debatable. It feels as though you’re suffocating in front of a group of people that you have convinced that you’re ‘just fine’ even though you’ve successfully planned your own death in three morbid ways since you poured your first cup of coffee.
That’s your normal.
I had no idea what it actually felt like.
It’s all consuming.
There’s no ground wire to cut it off at the source.
I’m still looking.
It’s here somewhere.
Someone recently said “Your brain is always searching to confirm what you tell it”
Even when the things you tell it are untrue
That’s all your brain sees.. it looks for that problem that you once experienced.
So, if you have unfinished business mentally.
That’s all it sees.
The ground wire has been located.
I now understand that yes, you can retrain your brain.
Mind over matter, baby.