Assignments and tests are no longer things that going to catch James off guard. Now he can manage his time and feel like a real sophomore. Only freshmen enjoy their college life compared to being in the year like him, things finally sinks in and he enjoys his studies here. He now feels lax and has more free time.
James usually spends his day in college with his classmate friends. The numbers of his classmates somehow decreased compared to the first year he entered the class.
“What are we having next?” James asked Ron.
“Well, guess we are having translation class after this.” answered Ron, his classmate.
“With Ms. Dianne? Damn, I didn’t expect her class is today!”
“Why? Did you messed up your schedule again?” Teased James as Ron knows that his friend usually gets panicked when things don’t go well as he planned.
“Why I have the feeling that you are just getting my nerve?” Slowly creeping behind Ron. He is ready to smack Ron’s back with his palm.
“No please! Not that palm smacking thing. It hurts a lot last time.”
“Then, don’t you dare to do it again!” James ready to smack but Ron dashed away. “Hah! Can’t catch me!”
As James were chasing Ron, they eventually heading to the next class and as James reaching the front door of the class. He almost bumped to one of his classmate, Anna.
“Hey be careful there boys!” One of Anna’s friend yelled.
“Oh sorry, didn’t mean to.” Ron’s responded quickly.
James were just standing and looking at Anna as she smiled and entered the class. James somehow realized he did not really know each of his classmates well enough. Did Anna just pop out from somewhere? Or most of his classmates started to change after their second year in college. Surely he is not the only one who changed now. Most of them did. From the innocent looks to the naughtiest ones. The shyest type of person somehow now the one who can’t stop talking. As for James, he believed that he just maintained as he was in the freshman years.
“Look at them,” whispered Danny. Another James’ friend in the clique.
“What to look at?”
“Oh come on James! You know what I mean. Girls man!” Danny expressing his deep thoughts that he just had.
“Sorry, I can’t get you. You are talking in a different language from me just now. No, can’t understand you” James trying to avoid engaging and encouraging Danny from his topics.
“You playing dumb on me James?” trying to get James’ attention. “We’ve been together in this class for a year now. None of the girls catch your eyes?”
“I know where you are going with this man.” James respond somehow uncovered Danny’s true attention. “The thing is I don’t even really know them well. They are our classmates and that’s it.”
Their conversation was halted after the lecturer entered the class and with some surprises. The lecturer just gave the class a pop quiz.
“Shit man!” Danny was caught off guard by the pop quiz.
“Serve you, man!” James mocking him.
James did his classes today and he just laid back and sitting in front of his laptop in his room. With his headphone on and songs playing, he browses his Facebook feeds as they are full of his classmates’ status and pictures. Then he saw Anna who is currently ‘Online’ and decided to message her.
James: Hey you! Whatcha been doing?
Anna: Hey James. Not much. Just browsing
James: Haha... Must have plenty of free time then?
Anna: Not really. Still, have assignments to complete. What about you? Done your assignments?
James: Yes. Done it.
Anna: What? That’s fast!
Anna: Mind sharing them with me?
James: Sure! No problem.
Anna: Thanks. So how did you do the assignment Mr. Lao gave?
James: Let me show you.
It was one of the best decision he made. He messaged Anna and somehow Anna is quite nice. He thought that Anna would be the silent type and would ignore his messages. She is approachable and friendly too.
In Facebook, James feels like both of them are easy to mix and talk to each other. However, when it comes to class things are quite different. James with his own clique same goes to Anna. Only in a certain situation, they would talk to each other face to face. They might not even speak to each other at all sometimes.
“Hey, Anna.” James greets Anna near her seat.
“Hi, James,” Anna replied.
“So have you sent the assignment for Culture Variety?” Asked James casually. “I’ve sent mine earlier.”
“Me too. Was quite troublesome, isn’t it? The assignment?”.
“Haha... you too?” playfully he asked.
“Kidding me? It was obviously taking the joke out of us!”
Both of them let out a small laugh. For James to have this kind of conversation is meaningful enough.
They would only talk about assignments and college stuff. Other than that, none. James treating Anna as a friend and so did Anna. No lines or rules to be broken until James realized that slowly he developed a feeling for Anna.
He does not know when this all started. Now he knows that he have a crush on her. Slowly he sees Anna is attractive and wants to spend more time together. Be it messaging and texting each other or talking face to face whenever he has the chance.
James started coming to class earlier than before just to bet on himself if Anna would be there early so they can have a little chit-chat before the class gets crowded. Sometimes she is there and sometimes she is not.
“Hi James, you are early.” Anna greets him.
“Well, you know... Being diligent.” He replied with a small laugh. “So, any plan for this upcoming holidays?”
“Not really. I don’t know. Usually, I would be stuck with my family. You?”
“I would just spend my day playing games! Heaven enough!” He answered playfully and he wishes to talk more but he has no idea what to talk about.
If James were earlier, he would just wait for her in the class. Every time Anna enters the class, he can smell the nice fragrance from the perfume Anna was using. The smell is calming and sweet and once smelled it can’t be forgotten. It creates a strong memory to the nose so each time Anna passed by he would know that came from Anna. He enjoys it and somehow that made him like a pervert. He does wonders what brand is her perfume but to ask a girl something like that. To him as a guy, that is unethical. At least to him.
As holidays started, James doesn’t really have any other activities except playing online games. He would spend hours and hours playing and cooped up in his room all day long.
“Damn it! I’m still stuck doing this dungeon!” He mumbles to himself. “Most of my guild members are offline and my friends are offline too. Stupid me... Look at the time. It’s late.”
It was three in the morning and his eyes don’t feel like closing either. He wonders how his crush doing. There are two weeks more for holidays and it will be a long time before he meets her again. He missed her.
He opened a new tab and log in to his Facebook account. He searched for Anna Thompson as he can’t really find her new status in the feeds.
“Just regular stuff.” James with a disappointed tone. “Missed her, going through her photo album won’t be considered stalking because I am on her friend list. Wouldn’t it?” as he tried to justify his action by talking to himself.
So he checked her photos one by one and sometimes accidentally clicked ‘Like!’ “Shit!” Then he scrolled down her status. Most of them are about her feeling about a friend. “Oh wow, a friend? Who?”
He scrolled down and something attracted him.
I hope you feel the same too.
“What’s this?” Then he reads more.
You’ve been in my mind. I don’t mind that.
That smile can’t stop make me smile.
“Whose smile again?”
You! Yeah, you! Stop playing with my heart! Can’t handle it!
“Okay...” James realized something else too.
Every single one of those statuses has one thing in common. There is one guy keep liking them. So he scrolled further, he found their comments. Anna treating this guy quite nice too. She replied to every single one of them. She’s having more fun compared to when she talked to him.
“Well, so much for stalking. Now, I’m feeling down as hell and it’s already four.”
The stalking activity he did backfire him too soon. He discovered something that he’s getting crushed by his crush. Now he regrets stalking her. James is not brave enough when it comes to this matter. He can’t confess. He does not want to ruin this friendship of his with Anna. So he decided to keep this feeling for himself. Despite telling himself that he does not want to confess deep inside of him cannot contain it anymore. The urging and rushing feels went berserk inside his chest. He can’t sleep that night. His young boiled blood tells him to jump in and enjoy the adrenaline of getting rejected. Yet his brain was against the idea and advising him to take a step back and move on.
“Go for it, James!” said his heart. “Don’t worry about the rejection! Tell what your hearts really wanted!”
“No James stop! Don’t listen to your heart! I know you can handle a rejection but you must consider the result of this action!” advised the brain. “Just let it go and move on! You don’t want to break off this friendship of yours! She is a good girl and fun to hang out with. Don’t ruin it, James!”
“Brain should stop functioning. James if you don’t tell her now, there will be no other chances! You must seize this chance and settle this immediately!”
“Bloody stupid heart! You’ll end up hurting yourself later on! Can’t you see? She has already fallen in love with someone else! The guy is not James. Stop being stupid!” the brain pointed it out.
“Dear brain, you don’t even know how this heart works. It keeps rushing and pumping blood and this feeling of his is tiring me out! I keep beating faster every time he thinks about her! I can’t handle this damn it!” claimed the heart.
Then the brain came out with a brilliant idea.
“If you want to tell her but you can’t tell her. Why don’t you just write it out?” the brain throwing his idea. “Called it unsent letters!”
The next day James woke up in heavy-eyed state and sluggish. He sat in front of his desk. Thinking about the idea he had earlier. Writing unsent letters. He took out his drawing block that he bought but he rarely used it. He then searched for his fountain pen in one of his drawers.
“Okay! I’m all set now!”
He was never really good with words. He doesn’t know if he should use fancy words or just straight forward words. Should it be long or should it be short? He was never really good at it anyway. So he decided to just write what his feeling tells him that time.
Thank you for being a good friend of mine. I know writing this would be weird and pointless. Yet, I want to write it because it is something that I cannot say it to you directly. I don’t know how should I say this. But here we go. To be honest, I like you! I like you a lot! I enjoy our chat, I enjoy every time we talked to each other. I like how our eyes met and you slowly turned away avoiding mine. Sometimes, I would just tease you by staring only at your eyes and enjoying your reaction. I like how you smile at me each time we meet each other on campus. I can’t get enough of talking to you. I feel like I can talk with you forever but I don’t have anything to say.
We do not really have many things in common. To me having things in common or not doesn’t really matter. The fact that I enjoy having you around. You are so attractive yet I’m scared to have a personal conversation with you. I want to know you more and I want to hang out with you more.
Anyway, thank you for being a friend of mine. I appreciate it. I want this friendship to be more special and that is why I want to confess my feeling to you. However, I realized that you like someone else right now. I don’t want to be in your way with his. Let me keep this feeling. It may stay or it might not stay. Who knows? Let me say this again. I like you, Anna.
I hope you will always be happy! One more thing, if you need some company just let me know. I am always here for you. A friend in need is at your wish! I think that’s all. Thank you!
Your shy friend,
“There you go! My first unsent letter to her.” James satisfied with his letter this time.
James did not stop with only one letter. Sometimes, he would include poems inside. He writes the letters every time he wanted to say something to her but something that she should not know. Somehow he enjoyed writing the letters. He feels satisfied even though he will never get any reply as all the letters were written in his drawing block. Only for himself.
There was this one time when James were teased by his friends in class for being too close to her.
“Are you joking?” James trying to act cool.
“Well, you guys are quite close. And you kinda look like in love with her.” Ron trying to get as much as information from James.
“Hahaha. You guys know nothing!”
“Oh really? Like what?” Asked Danny.
“She already had someone else you dumbass!” Claimed James.
“She what?!” both of them at the same time.
“You guys are ‘noob’!” Then, James laughed.
James can see it clearly. Anna already has a boyfriend. He realized it when he read her Facebook posts and her blog. He feels heartbroken and sad. Yet, the best way for him is to step down and forget about it. He can only hope that Anna will be happy together with her boyfriend.
“I should just forget about her. She is happy with her boyfriend and does not any friend like me. I would just write one more letter for her.” said James to himself. He braves himself and writes his last unsent letter to Anna.
I am sorry about this. This will be my last letter that I would write for you. I can’t remember how many letters I have written but this will be the last one. I am actually sad and heartbroken when I knew you had a boyfriend.
I knew you just treated me as a friend and not more than that. I am no one special to you but to me, you are special enough. I’m glad to know you and it was fun. I don’t know what should I write because by writing this I feel down a lot more.
I’m gonna miss you. A lot. I leave you one last poem.
Another season passed by,
Never I feel this sad,
Nor I feel this happy,
As the season is the past and the future.
Your secret admirer,