Fuckboy

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chapter thirty-four

Later in the day after Mr. Porter spoke with me, my mind was racing with thoughts on what I should do. I loved being with Connor and just hanging out, but when I thought of how everyone made my personal relationships their own business and even made bets on my sexual life, I grew old of it. Part of me wanted to end the whole romantic part of our relationship and just go back to being friends like how the beginning of the year was, but then the other part of me wanted to run away with Connor and just be together without anyone else bugging us.

Only one of those ideas seemed realistic and it wasn’t my dream idea of running away.

I entered the cafeteria, not even bothering to get food. I was nothing less than confused about my feelings but decided to keep them quiet for the time being. Until I was sure about what I wanted, I wasn’t going to mention anything to Connor. I joined my friends at their lunch table, quietly sitting myself beside Connor.

Connor continued his conversation with Elijah but acknowledged my presence, taking my hand into his and resting them on his lap. Ellie started a conversation with me, talking about college and nothing else. This was how I liked it and this was how I wanted it to always be. No drama occurring, no talking about personal things, and nobody else to bother us.

I felt genuinely happy for the first time of the day, and it felt nice. I had nothing to worry about at the moment, and considering it stayed like this, I wouldn’t need to worry about anything else later.

When Ellie and Elijah were distracted and Connor got a free moment to talk with me, he turned to face me, gaining my attention. “The others and I were talking just before you got here and apparently we’ve been dating for about a month.”

I looked up at him, a surprised expression on my face. “Wait, really?”

Connor nodded, smiling. “Happy one month, baby girl.”

I just stared ahead as Connor leaned over to leave a soft kiss against my cheek. “Yeah, happy one month.”

At that moment, Ellie had brought her focus back to me and knew by the look on my face that something was wrong. Her head cocked to the side and she mouthed, “What’s up?”

While Connor pulled back, I did my best to secretly shrug. Ellie nodded slowly, still confused with everything.

Connor, giving a gentle squeeze to my hand, spoke up to the other three. “Do you all want to hang out tonight, maybe do something fun?”

Ellie and I kept eye contact, still trying to communicate without words. Ellie spoke up, not looking away, “Actually, Elizabeth and I are already hanging out after school, but maybe you and Elijah could.”

Connor glanced at me, “Really, you didn’t mention any plans?”

My eyes widened slightly, “Oh, that’s because we made them in homeroom. But yeah, we’re hanging out after school.”

Elijah spoke up calmly, “I was planning a party later tonight, but I mean you all can come. It’d be way later than after school, so the girls could come too.”

I wasn’t exactly feeling in a party mood, but that was something Ellie didn’t catch on during our telepathic talk. “Oh hell yes, we’ll be there.”

Connor smiled, moving his hand to reach around my waist. I brought my now free hand back to my lap and Connor pulled me closer to him. He looked down at me, “Everything good?” I nodded, not wanting him to worry about me.

****

The day went on as it normally would, until the last period bell rang. Ellie sprinted to my locker as quick as she could to find out any information.

“What’s going on?”

I looked around the halls, stuffing books and notebooks into my backpack. “Let’s talk about it somewhere else, please?” Ellie nodded, turning to walk with me down the hall. Connor was walking towards us, smiling and waving at us two girls.

Ellie and I smiled innocently at him but didn’t put in much effort to stop and talk. Connor held his hands up in confusion, turning to watch us walk away. “What?”

Ellie and I turned back, shrugging. “Girl time.”

Connor was still confused by what was happening but smiled and let it go, walking towards his locker and to go find Elijah. Ellie and I turned back, hustling to my car. As soon as we got in, I turned on the engine and started to drive.

“So, what’s happening with you two?” Ellie sat sideways in the passenger seat, not wanting to miss anything. She was all for any type of gossip, even if she wasn’t planning to spread it. I sighed, feeling like someone needed to know what was happening.

“I don’t know if I want to be in a relationship anymore.”

Ellie’s eyes widened, “What?!” I jumped in my seat after hearing Ellie’s shriek. “Are you serious, Liz? Why are you just thinking this now?”

I shrugged, keeping my eyes on the road but tightening my grip on the steering wheel. “I’m not exactly sure, there’s a lot going on in my mind. All I know is I feel kind of miserable lately. Mr. Porter talked with me after English today, and he said I was so obvious of how I was feeling just by looking at me. Then he went on after I told him everything about how most of what was making me hate everything was because I was in a relationship and that maybe I wasn’t ready.”

Ellie sat back in her seat, still processing everything.

“You can’t tell Connor, Ell. Not yet, anyways. I still don’t know what I’m going to do.”

Ellie nodded slowly, biting at her nails. “Damn, Liz. Connor just told you it was one month you’ve been together too. That just added some pressure, huh?” I nodded, biting at the skin on my bottom lip.

“I know. I mean, I do love Connor, really. I miss how it was in the beginning of the year though, when he was just really flirty and there was no real label meaning I had to be affectionate back. You know?”

“So you’re saying you hate the label?”

I shrugged, nodding. “Maybe, I don’t know. Is that what it’s sounding like? I mean, I love being with Connor, knowing that I’m the only girl he’s being with. But at the same time, I hate that everyone’s expecting something from me because of this label we’ve put on our relationship. I’ve tried ignoring everyone else, but it’s not working.”

Ellie smiled, placing a hand on my shoulder. “It’s okay, just calm down. I don’t need you killing me on the road. Let’s just finish this talk when we get to your house.”

I tried my best to calm down driving the rest of the way, but I just wanted answers. I wanted someone to tell me what to do because I had no idea. I hated deciding on things, and it was just stressing me out. So as soon as I parked the car in my driveway, I turned the engine off and spoke with Ellie, getting right to the point.

“What should I do?”

Ellie gave me a sad look, making it so obvious that she could see how I was suffering because of this.

“I don’t think I should get involved in you and Connor’s personal business, Liz. Remember what happened last time?”

I sat up, getting frustrated. “I don’t care about that anymore, I just need help right now. Please, Ell. What would you do in this situation?”

Ellie sighed, “You want my honest opinion?” I nodded, waiting for Ellie to continue. “Break up with him, but do it gently, letting him know you still love him. It’s just hurting you to go on like this. And Liz? The sooner you do it, the better it’ll be.”

I nodded, letting out a shaky breath. “Should I do it tonight at the party?”

“That’s what I was thinking. It might go down smoother with others around.”

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