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chapter thirty-five

Ellie and I were preparing for the party, and much to my dismay, Ellie wouldn’t allow me to wear what I was wearing to school. Something about, “Even though you’re going to break up with Connor, doesn’t mean you have to look like garbage while doing it.” I went along with Ellie, trying my best to take my mind off of things.

I changed into another pair of darker jeans along with a white silk button up. After a few hours of Ellie messing with my hair and debating outfits, it had become time for the party. Ellie approved of our outfits and soon enough we were off. Ellie drove us to Elijah’s house when it seemed we’d be fashionably late, and during the car ride, my nerves were growing. When Ellie parked on the street, a little down from Elijah’s house, I desperately tried to go back.

“I think we left the curler on, I should go back and check.”

Ellie smiled, “Nice try dude, but I straightened my hair. You got this, and I’ll be watching from afar. Just wave at me if you really, really can’t.”

I nodded, feeling slightly better. We walked into Elijah’s house, smiling and waving at a few of our friends. Ellie dragged me over to the kitchen, grabbing us both a drink. “Liquid courage, Liz. You got this tonight.” We clinked our drinks together, taking a sip before heading down to the den. That was where the boys would most likely be.

The boys were all hanging on the couches, playing some video games and being loud. There were also other people down here, dancing and playing foosball. It was like a small club for teenagers. Ellie went and sat on a couch in between two of the soccer boys. I stood behind the couch where Connor was sitting and playing.

He didn’t mind looking away from the game to see me though, taking my arm and leading me around the side and onto his lap. He wrapped his arms around my waist, continuing to play the game, but resting his chin on my shoulder and lightly kissing my skin every once in a while.

I looked over to Ellie with sad eyes, and Ellie returned the look with a small frown. She nodded her head, mouthing the words ‘I know.’

The boys played for a little while, and eventually they all moved to different areas of the house. Ellie and I moved to join others dancing, mostly because Connor couldn’t.

“You need to do it now, Liz. It’s only going to get harder as the night goes on. Plus, he’s a sweetheart, you’re going to start doubting yourself.”

I started doing slow crump-like moves, “It’s too late for that advice, I’m already doubting it all.”

Ellie started yelling over the music, “Listen to me, he’s over there right now talking with some of the boys, just go tell him you need to talk.”

I didn’t want to but Ellie pushed me his way. Connor smiled at me, giving a small nod off the head. I approached him, standing beside him, speaking softly.

“Can we talk, Connor?”

He squinted, turning his head, “What was that?”

I spoke a little louder, “I need to tell you something.”

Connor shrugged, still not hearing me. He turned to Elijah, leaning over to him, “We’re going to head to the guest room.” Elijah smiled, nodding his head.

Connor took my hand in his and started heading towards the guest room. I looked back at Ellie, freaking out in my head. Ellie shrugged, not knowing what to do.

That’s when I knew it was all me now. No going back.


Connor was sitting on the edge of the bed, waiting for me to say something. The only thing that’s been said was, “I needed to tell you something.”

Now I was trying to work up the nerve to tell him that something. Connor was just sitting their patiently, sensing it must have been important.

“Well, these past few days I’ve been feeling really crappy. Some people have also notice and decided to talk to me, and then it got me thinking. I talked with a few people and they gave me some advice. I honestly don’t know if I’m doing the right thing, but everyone believes it will help how I’m feeling if I did something about it.”

Connor shook his head, confused. “What are you talking about?”

I let out a nervous laugh before looking up at the ceiling. “Oh dear God, please help me. Connor, I think we should break up.”

His eyes widened and he just sat there, shoulders slumped and confused look plastered all over his face. “What?”

I attempted to lighten the mood, “Do you want to-” Connor didn’t let me get out a sentence though.

“Wait a damn minute, Liz. Why are you dumping me? Why didn’t you talk with me about this, don’t you think I should’ve heard about your questioning thoughts first? You know, this relationship is between us, which includes you and me. I should’ve been involved, not other people.”

I couldn’t help but start stuttering, feeling more nerves than before. “I know, and I’m sorry. I just needed help.”

“That’s what I’m here for, Liz, to help you and to just be here for you in general. Why are breaking up with me? Have I not been there for you?”

I shook my head, walking closer. “No, no, not at all. I just I didn’t feel like myself and everyone was bringing up that I didn’t like the label so I should just end the label.”

Connor shook his head, taking my hand, “I don’t care what other people say, what do you feel?”

I shrugged, wanting to scream. “I don’t know, Connor. I’m just scared, I don’t know of what exactly but I don’t like this feeling.”

Connor put his head down, “You shouldn’t feel scared being with me, I’m sorry you felt that way.”

Connor had fresh tears falling down his face, feeling as though he had failed. I also had tears from the beginning and now I was feeling nothing but guilt. I knelt down to my knees, in between Connor’s knees. I gently wiped the tears away from his face.

“I’m not scared because of you, it’s all me, I promise. I still love you, Connor, I really do. I just don’t love being a ‘girlfriend’.”

Connor sighed, “Prove it, then.”

I questioned him, “That I don’t like being a girlfriend?”

Connor chuckled, shaking his head, “No, that you still love me.”

I started to question how I could do that, but Connor had already placed his hand on the back of my neck, gently pulling me up and back to my feet. Our lips quickly connected and I could taste the saltiness of his tears. Connor guided me onto his lap, which I straddled immediately.

Connor used the strength of his upper body to drag us both back further on the bed. Connor ran his hands down my back and my hands roamed through Connor’s hair, playing with it subconsciously. Connor’s hands soon found the buttons on my shirt, undoing one at a time slowly just in case I’d stop him.

I didn’t.

My shirt came off, leaving me feeling more exposed. Connor’s shirt was the next thing to come off and after that, there wasn’t much stopping what was happening. They had a track record of being interrupted when this started.

Connor made sure to check with me one last time before going all the way. Looking into my eyes, he sincerely asked, “Are you sure about this?”

I shrugged, pulling his body closer, “I’m not that sure about most things anymore, but I know I want this.” Time went by and I had failed my goal for the year.

It took roughly one long and painful month, but I had given Connor the satisfaction of sleeping with my hot bod.

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