"Stop saying you're sorry. Tell me what's wrong. I can fix it. Please."
My hands clenched at my sides. To stop me from crumbling. Though it seemed to be of no avail when I felt the moisture gather at the corner of my eyes and fill them. My breathing quickened slightly as all I met was his silence.
With each second that passed, I stared at his back and felt my heart clench at the barrier forming between us. The metaphorical distance. He felt years away from me instead of mere feet. My heart could not handle it. I had never been away from in the five years we spent together. Whether it was panic or something more, all I knew was that I couldn't think any thoughts that made sense to me without feeling like I was losing my mind. Just thinking about what he might be insinuating was driving me insane.
"Please baby. Look at me. Tell me what's wrong" I pleaded. My voice on the verge of breaking.
When he did finally turn around and show me his face, the very face that had been the face of my dreams for so many years, I almost wished he hadn't. The emotionless and expressionless look that covered his American boy looks, ripped me apart more than anything could ever. I knew what came after that. And I feared it more than anything.
"It's not working Kai. Us I mean-"
"No please. Please don't say that. Please" I begged. My tears finally breaking free and spilling down my cheeks.
"Is it my job? I'll get a real job as you asked. Is it because I don't go out with your friends? I promise I'll be more outgoing I promise. Please" I latched onto his hands and held them with all my might.
I couldn't lose him. I couldn't. He was my everything. Without him I had nothing. No one. I was no one.
"Kai listen to me. These things just happen okay? Some people are just not meant to be. Is all."
I shook my head in denial. My tears staining my cheeks as sobs broke free from my throat. I held onto his hands despite him trying to break free from my grip. I couldn't see clearly through my tears, yet I could see as clear as day the annoyed expression on his face.
"Please George. I promise I'll be better." I begged once more until he ripped his sleeved arm out of my grip causing me stumble a bit and stare at him in shock.
"I don't love you anymore!"
Completely standing still and staring at him wide-eyed. I wasn't sure I had heard him correctly. But given his expression and the distance he put between us once again, I was sure I had. My bearthing hitched as I struggled to process just what that meant. My hands shook as I felt dizzy. I blinked a few times trying to stop my thoughts and understand him.
"I've fallen in love with someone else. I didn't want to hurt you but you're trying to force something that's not going to work. We were young when we met and just jumped into living together. I didn't know what I wanted then but after meeting Jax, he's like a breath of fresh air. And I'm certain, I love him. I'm sorry"
All I could do was stare at him as his words pierced my heart one after the other. It felt like he was ripping my heart out and squeezing it in the palm of his hand. It hurt. It hurt so much. Nothing had ever hurt this much before. Not even my parents kicking me out on the streets with nothing. And I was certain nothing would ever hurt as much. For a long time.
I gulped and tried to regain my balance when the world around seemed like it was falling apart. I held onto the wall for support when it felt like my legs would give out. My breathing hitched and started an irregular rhythm as he just stood there and watched me fall apart slowly.
It all made sense now.
How he had been so distant the past few months. Not just intimately but rather it felt as though he was slowly pulling away from me. He stopped talking about work-related things. He didn't want to go grocery shopping anymore when it had been the one thing we didtogether. He stopped asking me to go to clubs with him even whenIalwayssaid no, he'd still ask. He spent most of his time out with his friends. He didn't want to cuddle anymore or do simple things together. I had assumed he was preoccupied with his work project and would come back to me soon enough.
Oh God.. How could I have been so blind?
"Kai. Its for the best. If we force something that's not meant to be, we're going to make each other miserable."
I looked at him, tears streaming out my eyes with every word. I wondered if he knew how much his words hurt me. My lips trembled as I fought myself to open my mouth and say something.
"I..I make you...miserable?"
He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose as he let out a defeated breath. He looked at me, his blue eyes met my dark brown ones, and not an ounce of love could be seen in them for me. The very same eyes that had once held such warmth for me and lit up when he saw me, was now cold and emotionless.
"If you force this, you will. We are over. But I also know that you have nowhere else to go, so this apartment is yours. I already transferred the ownership to you months ago. I might not be in love with you anymore but that doesn't mean I don't have love for you. I still want you to be happy and safe. So take this apartment. Your entire life is in it."
He looked around the apartment and I wondered if he saw our fond memories in them the same way I did. I wondered just what he saw when he looked at our couch. Did he remember the day we struggled to bring it up the flight of a million stairs, laughing all the way. And finally making love on the very same couch. When he looked at the walls, did he remember how we painted them together? Emptying half of the bucket of paint on each other? When he looked at the kitchen, did he remember every meal we cooked together?
I choked on a sob when everything finally hit me. He was leaving me. What I had feared all my life was happening and there wasn't anything I could do to stop it. The love of my life was leaving me.
"But I love you. I love you so much" I choked on my sobs and pulled the sleeves of my oversized jersey over my hands. To stop me from grabbing him again.
He crossed the distance and pulled me towards him. Wrapping his strong arms around me and pushing my tears out. I choked on another sob as I buried my face in his chest and inhaled his comforting scent one last time. I wrapped my arms around his torso and cried my heart out. I wished I could have breathed my last then and there, in his arms and with him. I didn't want to live without him. I didn't want a life without him. I didn't want to live on knowing someone else loved him too. I couldn't.
"I know you do. But you'll get better. I know you will Kai. You're so strong.-"
I shook my head and held onto him tighter. Feeling my snot stain his black shirt as I held him. Yet I was so afraid that if I broke free to clean it, I would loose him sooner. And I couldn't bear that thought.
"I'm not. I'm weak and you know it. I need you. I can't live without you. I love you. Only you. I always will."
He sighed and ran his hand down my back and kissed my head. I craved his affection and leaned into him. Wanting him to wrap his arms around me forever. To smother me to death. I wanted to die looking into his eyes and in his arms. And yet, I felt him loosening his hold on me. He looked at me once more before he turned around and picked up his suitcase. He didn't turn around as he walked out and closed the door behind him.
I immediately dropped to the ground and let my sobs rip free of my throat. I screamed and cried. I hit the wall and the ground, yelling and screaming as my eyes burned and stung. My head pounded and my nose felt clogged. I laid on the cold floor and curled into a ball, my sobs being the only sound that could be heard in the cold dark room.
How was I supposed to live now?
I sighed tiredly as I pinched the bridge of my nose and closed my eyes for a few seconds. I counted to ten before opening them again and stared at the monitor in front of me. More so at the blinking curser. I read the sentence one more time before shaking my head and placing my finger on the 'backspace' key. I read the sentence once more before I sighed and pressed it. Erasing the sentence. I leaned back in my chair and stared at the only words on the monitor.
My was completely blank for the first time in months. The more I stared at the screen the more blank it became. There was nothing that passed through my mind that translated into words. I inhaled and exhaled before I removed my glasses and set it on the table. I rubbed my index finger against my temples in a circulation motion as I felt the throbbing in my head worsen. Perhaps that was the reason for the blockage?
Sure. A little headache is the reason you've become so useless.
I tried to ignore the voice of my subconscious and leaned my head back against the chair. I looked at the ceiling as my subconscious echoed out in my mind. Telling me how worthless and useless I was. I blinked a few times and just stared at the white wall of the ceiling. There wasn't many lights on the in the entire apartment, leaving a comforting darkness that enveloped me. I couldn't stand the sight of all the lights that lit up the apartment. Further reminding me that I was alone in it. The silence was enough of a reminder itself.
I turned my head slightly and looked at the digital clock on the wall. Reading three thiry am. It wasn't much of a surprise honestly when I hardly slept. And the times that I did sleep, my dreams weren't kind enough to me. I suppose it would have made somewhat of a difference if I had been productive as a compensation for my lack of sleep. Yet, I spent most of the days staring at the wall or into space. I couldn't bring out of myself any words to put into a book. I barely registered anything that was happening around me. Not that there was much.
Not since he left.
I tried so hard not to think about it. Hoping that if I could pretend it didn't happen, I wouldn't hurt this much. Yet everytime the memory invaded my mind, my heart broke worse each time. The worst of it all was that I didn't know what to do with the pain. I didn't know what would make it hurt less. Just enough to breathe again.
Every corner of the apartment reminded me of him each day. Of all the fond memories we had in it. The delusions of forever I had.
I felt my nose prickle as the beginnings of my tears began. My eyes watered within seconds as my heart throbbed yet again when reality set in. It had barely been two weeks and yet it hurt the very same way it did the night I watched his back walk away from me. It felt as though my heart bled every day for him. My eyes burned from all the tears and my head constantly pounded. Yet, I missed him. I missed him so fucking much. I missed everything about him.
I missed his perfectionism. The way he wouldn't sit still until he fixed what he thought I didn't do right. Even buttering a slice of bread. I missed his bright smiles and heartwarming laughter. I missed the comfort of his hugs and reassurances. I missed the way he just held me sometimes. I missed his touches and cuddles. I missed his home-cooked food. I even missed our arguments and fights.
Fuck. I missed him so much.
I swallowed the lump in my throat as my tears broke free once again and spilled down my cheeks. I felt my chest tighten once again as I locked eyes with the frame on the desk. I hadn't brought myself to throw it away. I couldn't. Not when I looked at our smiling faces and the memory behind that day. It was a memory of happiness and love. He smiled genuinely at me and he loved me that day. I knew it. I felt it. No matter what changed after that day, that was a day he loved me. And I wanted to hold onto it a little bit longer.
My tears spilt out of my eyes as a choked sob passed my lips as I looked at it.
When will this pain go away.