Here I sat, legs crossed, digging into the carpet. Paper neatly in front of me. Neatly because I nervously picked it up, tapped it against the floor and placed it back down, over seven times. Here I sat, nails digging into the rubber of my pen. My eyes glossed with anguish. Here I sat, and for the first time in ever, I can not write.
I’ll tell you what I have never understood about Life, in my short 16 years of trying to learn it., It gives you lemons to make lemonade. Plenty of lemons. Fresh. ‘Bright as sun’ yellow. But Life only let’s you sip it. Life for me growing up was a hot July day and I had a whole pitcher of Lemonade in front of me, but I wasn’t allowed to drink. Only admire. And that’s no way to quench one’s thirst.
But on December 17th of 2015, I met this boy. And finally.. I wasn’t thirsty! And Life seemed fair. And the sky was blue. And his eyes were brown, his lips were suppose to be closer, my hands aren’t shaking. But shit, my heart is pounding. And my words aren’t making sense. But his words are making everything seem right. He was so right. Always. He always made things right.
The deeper we fell into months the more I started to realize how imperfect he was. How much he swore. How much he denied himself of crying. How little he did the dishes. How his sweatpants always dragged on the wet concrete, and his words always slurred when he was nervous. And the deeper we fell into those months, the deeper I fell in love. I find myself obsessed with his fast talking, because ADHD was chasing after his tongue. Obsessed with the crinkles in his shirt and the bigger crinkles by his eyes. I loved that he didn’t know how to cry and I was able to teach him. Everything he didn’t admire about himself, I clapped for.
The more in love I became with this boy, the more I became in love with myself. I didn’t know I could giggle. I wasn’t aware my cheeks could flame in red heat when I was called beautiful.., I am beautiful. He accepted my flaws and I, his. Together we were drunkenly spilled paints that looked better together then apart. This boy made many mistakes. That he began to learn from. The Do’s and Do not’s of life. But it came all to late.
On October 26th of 2017 I sat in a court room, my hands on my knees, my heart in my stomach, and my eyes on the metal handcuffs being placed around my love’s wrists. My wrists. The ones I hold when his hands are holding my cheeks and his lips are finally close enough. Those shackles couldn’t hold him the way I could. And that cell wasn’t going to love him how I do. My cheeks were wet with heart break, his with rue. And he watched me and I watched him and then he was gone. And I was thirsty again.
So here I sit. December 23rd, 2017. One year of my happiest. My favorite laughs and the best hugs. The most love I have ever felt. The least judgment and most support. The best year I have ever had. And I have to spend it with only a pen and a paper. My hands ran through my flame red hair, and my brown eyes fell to my phone. My fingers scrolled with pattern to pull up our messages. His picture made me smile. Those eyes were still brown. His hair was still curly. His smile still smiley. I decided this didn’t need to be poetically written on paper. This was from me to him. From Bella to Bryce. It wasn’t suppose to be perfect. It was suppose to be real.
“One year Teddy bear. I can not explain to you what you have done for me. You have made everything so easy. You make this love thing so easy. Every negative look I have ever had on emotion is gone. Love is real with you. We are real. It’s not BS. We fight and we argue and we disagree, but the way you hold me, it makes it all alright. I’ve realized nothing in this life is perfect. Life has so many imperfections. But I have found the loveliness in it all. In all the crookedness. I’ve found my favorite poetry. My favorite argument. My best procrastinator. My perfect imperfections. My knight in shining armor. No.. No. My knight In Sweatpants. Always and Forever Bryce. I love you.”
Today I sit with my fingers typing eagerly to spill my memories. My clock reading March 1st, 2017. 5:07am. Sipping my lemonade, patiently waiting for May 3rd.