“Has it ever occurred to you that you are drowning, like the depth of the ocean is pulling you pertinaciously? Why I am feeling like this?” Was the recurrent question that was haunting me. I felt like my zeal to do anything was dying. I felt restless. My concentration was diverted, with my conscience still ringing with its alarm bell that my Medical Entrance was approaching and I should be paying more attention to this rather my mind was wandering somewhere else. She was the force that was pulling me, a powerful voice within distracted me. It made me impulsive but my cognition had its reins over it to save it from going astray. I could not quite get hold of the pin that was pinching me.
The sunset that used to shower its warmth over my existence, mysteriously now occurred as an antagonist who was making me more dull and gloomy. My morale was at its worst low and the will to study any further the book on “Human Anatomy” was lost. I beat my pen over the blank sheets of my practice book, I sighed as I was fatigued and the bouts of unpleasant thoughts crippled me. My eyes ceased to oscillate between the clock and the twilight that was dawning outside. My heart throbbed vehemently fast with every movement of the hour and the minute hand, making me apprehensive that it might explode like a supernova.
I rose from my study table and stealthily maneuvered toward my bed. I was deeply lost in my thoughts as the sweet memories visited me from my past. I remembered the sweet aroma of lavender that she wore. I remembered the warmth and the life she brought to a gathering. I reminiscence the smile that bewitched my heart that I couldn’t wake out of it. I was captivated by her golden heart which understood me when nobody else can comprehend the meaning of my dilemma. She was the angel that was not perfect but still was imperfectly perfect for me. My mind swayed closer to her as my body swayed closer to the bed. I bumped into it and dropped to consciousness. I let loose myself on the bed and I fell on the comfy and soft mattress. As I stood laying my eyes played with the ceiling that was dusted with the glitter of luminescent stars. Though complete darkness hasn’t set in, the stars on my ceiling started blinking.
That night, under the shimmering blanket of the stars, she once again proposed to me. Her hazel eyes sparkled as the moonlight reflected on them. Her lips glistened with rose red shade as she expressed her heart out. Every word of hers was glazed with honesty and anointed with commitment. It was me who was afraid of acknowledging my own emotions so I eloped as I had done the previous time. I was a coward and had been a one always. But she came along and things changed. I changed. But still, I am stuck as she left the answer to me, “ I love you Pia! Very much! I don’t expect you to love me back. But I don’t want to be just your friend anymore. So let me be more than your friend. I will always stay within my limits.”
Her words rung on my ear drums days and nights after that and it still does. I am speechless as I was then. If I accepted her emotions and which I so madly yearned for, which was the honest desire of my heart, then the next eminent question would be how to communicate this decision to my parents? Whether they will agree to this and live with this decision of mine?
Being with her made me realize how much I live by the strings of music. Music was and always would be my real calling. So I was really anxious about this most imminent decision that I was planning to propose to my parents.
But today I felt like I was choking because this day was the day for which I have been preparing for the last five months. And I was being a fool to let it slip because I really messed up. I let my friends down. I let her down because I was afraid to let my parents down.
My heart was still heavy and every moment felt like I was walking on a cooling magma. The moment was excruciatingly painful. I had to endure for the sake of my parents. But her face emerged every minute in front of me. I reminiscence that how many times she had been my savior. And when it was my turn to save her, I was going to deceive her. I felt disappointed with myself.
I closed my eyes for a second and her smiling eyes emerged in front of me. I can't endure it any further, I have to save her dream. I can’t destroy her dream.
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