Another school week has begun and I slowly walk up to the hallways with a Starbucks coffee in my hand, trying to get through the massive crowd of students. Last night was terrible. I barely got any sleep - with bags under my eyes and the obvious tiredness as I slowly walk and bump through the people. I felt terrible for using Jessica to drown all my feelings that other night. I had not meant to do that, so I was planning on apologizing to her.
Taking I sip into my cup, I tried waking myself up by blinking a couple of times. Jessica came into view as I see her enter the north doors with books in her hand. Her hair was in a usual messy bun. Her pale blue eyes were always hidden under her glasses. She was wearing an Adidas black sweats and a hoodie on top. I started walking towards her when I saw Sabrina in the corner of my eyes. She was obviously hitting on another girl on the hallways. I shook my head and continued towards my destination.
“Hey” I waved as I approach near her locker.
Jessica looked up at me and smiled a bit, returning a good morning. She too - didn’t look like as if she had gotten any sleep. A yawn tried to escape her mouth but she seems to force it back down.
“Umm... ” she turned to me, her fingers playing with each other while looking down.
“Oh. Uh, I came to apolo-”
I was cut off when Sabrina yelled Jessica’s name from behind. I tried not to roll my eyes but Jessica caught it since she smiled apologetically. It was not a good morning to me since I was tired as fuck and Sabrina had just to cut in every time. We were now in bad terms since yesterday and I was clearly pissed why she would fucking care if I kissed Jessica.
“Morning cutie” Sabrina winked at her and let out one of her famous, flirty smiles.
‘Oh please. This girl is too innocent for you’ I groaned inside. My head was still hurting and I could feel it building up already.
“Hi” Jessica greeted back. She swung her backpack into her back and closed her locker. She looked at me then back to Sabrina.
“So, I was wondering if you and I could hang out... because you know. You owe me something” she smirked when we notice Jessica’s face turn red.
I was clearly not in the mood and I just had to lose it. My temper was short so with Sabrina interrupted me, I was gone.
“Look, we’re talking. Can you not fucking interfere?” I nearly yelled. Jessica’s widen and so did Sabrina’s. Sabrina crossed her arms and turned her body to me.
“We’re just talking. What the hell is your problem?”
“Haven’t you heard that when people are talking, it’s rude to interrupt?” She opened her mouth to answer but I beat her into it so I continued.
“Oh yeah, you don’t. You know why? Cause you’re a fucking fucked person. Not to mention your reputation in this school just proved what kind of person you are.”
In the corner of my eyes, I could see Jessica slowly backing up a bit. Of course, I must’ve scared her right now but I didn’t care. I was already angry. My fists were clenched and I could feel my face heating up, so is my body. Sabrina just scoffed but I caught her take a glimpse of Jessica as if checking what her reaction to this was.
“Do you know how many students in here asked if I was really related to you? If I were the same as you? The teachers didn’t treat me so well during my first day in school. And you know what reason they told me? It’s because you’re my cousin. A fucking Carter, that is.”
I finished, my heart beating fast, and it was hard breathing. Sabrina’s face was beyond shock. Her mouth fell open and I could tell that I had hurt her a bit. I turned to look at Jessica, her face mirrored the same expression as Sabrina’s. But when she looked at me, her eyes slowly soften.
I felt terrible and angry for bursting out. “I’ll talk to you later some other time Jess”
I quickly left, not wanting to go out on anyone anymore. I noticed the cup that I was holding in my hand was now crushed. I threw it on some far away trash but I missed it, hitting a random person.
“Hey!” they yelled at me. I held up the finger at them, glaring at their direction.
I couldn’t take being inside the school, knowing that she was here. I made a turn towards the exit in the hallways. I bumped head with someone, causing the both of us to fall to the floor. I groaned ready to yell at the person for not looking straight ahead, knowing that I was there.
“Watch where the fuck you were goi-”
“What the fu-”
We both stopped midway through our sentence as our eyes locked. Our breathing was only heard in the hallway and the faint chattering sounds of the students on the other side. The person I bumped into was Nicole - which was the last person I wanted to see right now. She hurried stands up but like an instinct my hand grabbed hers. She quickly snatches it away and gives me a dirty look.
“Don’t touch me” she yelled.
“What’s your problem?” I said while standing up.
“Tch. Didn’t you hear me you deaf cunt? I said don’t touch me, don’t go near me, and don’t ever cross paths with me again” Her eyes only held hatred and anger.
I closed my eyes, trying to regulate my breathing. I could feel the tension building up again. My blood was boiling, my stomach was turning, and the veins were popping out even more into my hands and wrist. I thought about what my therapist had told me before “Anger leads to danger. Don’t ever let it control you“.
“If you’re thinking about the past, don’t. That was a long time ago. You need to move on” I told her. Her eyes snapped wide at me and a loud slap was heard. I took my hand and rubbed the spot where she hit me.
“You’re telling me to move on?! How can I fucking move on when you killed the only family have, huh? You fucking killed my brother. The memory still craved in the back of my head, Sarah. For years I tried to forget, but no. It was like a videotape in rewind.” She said.
I could feel the anger leaving me, being replaced by sadness and guilt again as I think about the incident. My eyes were starting to get foggy as I continue to listen to her. It was happening again. When she started talking about it again, the bloody images started coming back. It was terrifying. So I stopped her. I have to or else.
With all my strength, I shoved Nicole hard into the back wall. She let out a loud grunt. Our faces close and I could feel her rapid breathing but she still continued.
“I was young back then Sarah. He was the only one I had. When he died, I totally lost it. I had no idea what to do. So I thought of killing myself, but that never worked too. I was taken to some orphanage and was adopted by some abusive old man who fucking used me and hit me. You know why I freaking despise you and hate you? To the point where I wished you never existed? How every birthday I had, I wished that you die and feel the same pain as I went through. It fucking killed me, Sarah. You killed me. And I wish you die too.”
Tears were now pouring out of her eyes. Her makeup was now messed up due to the tears.
At the last part, I was totally gone. She had triggered me. The next thing I knew, I punched her hard and watched as her body hit the floor. She started coughing blood as she held tight to her stomach. My eyes widen in horror as I looked at her. She slowly started to get up, holding close to the wall to support her balance. She let out a struggled laugh then looked at me.
“You never change, do you? You’re still a murderer” was the last thing she said that send a bullet through me before she collapsed into the floor and fainted.
I stood there for a minute, just watching her body on the floor.
The word repeated itself, like an echo inside my head.
“I did it again” I whispered to myself. “I’m becoming like him”
“Oh my god” I heard someone gasp behind me. I quickly turned around and saw Jessica holding a hand to her mouth. She looked at me with wide eyes.
At that point, I totally knew that I was so fucked up.