“You guys are such a cute couple.” Lily says while gushing at Mark and Martin who are sat opposite us and holding hands. She is probably the tenth person to say the same thing in the past hour alone but she is true. For the past week since they became a couple it has been a little weird not going to lie, being out in public with them more than at home.
People haven’t really said anything or done anything weird around them, not like they’re hiding the fact they’re in love. In fact, everyone on campus is in love with them being a couple. At home, nothing much has changed except for the fact that they now hold hands and cuddle on the couch, and the fact that they sleep together most nights.
In the past month, I just never thought that the tension in the house was due to them having feelings for each other, that thought never even crossed my mind. But, I am obviously very happy that everything is back to being somewhat normal. I am very glad however is that they’re not one of those couples that rubs it in your face every time you see them how happy they are.
Yesterday, I had my evaluation session with the university counsellor and luckily, I felt it went very well. I am comfortable with him and I am almost looking forward to the sessions so I can get back on track. Don’t get me wrong, I have come a very long way from the girl who hated herself and would do things to sabotage her relationships, but I also know that she will always be a part of me and I will always some work to do on myself.
“I wish people would just stop saying that.” Moans Mark as he is the kind of person that doesn’t like drawing attention to his relationships I have found, but that’s a little hard when he’s dating such a loud person like Martin. Somehow, they complement each other perfectly.
“They’ll get bored of it soon, when some new couple comes along.” Mike says from beside me, while munching on his fries and beer. We are currently in the local pub grabbing a drink and some dinner, all of us have had a really long week and we deserve to treat ourselves a little bit.
“What about you guys?” Lily asks once again and I shoot a look her way, I know what she is doing and I just sometimes wish she would keep her mouth shut. Since Mark and Martin are dating, it makes sense for Mike and I to have made things official but we haven’t. We haven’t properly spoken about our relationship since that time two months ago when I told him I loved him and he said nothing back.
I don’t want to push him on this because I don’t want him to be with me because it makes sense and it’s the logical thing to do, but because he loves me and wants to be with me. He has not said anything yet so I have just let things play out the way they are meant to be. I feel as though there is no one who could make me love the way he does, so why push him now when I am ready to be in this for the long run.
“What about us?” Mike asks from beside me and bless him, he is confused. Its equal parts cute and frustrating when guys can’t understand some cues or know what to do next.
“Are you going to be that new cute couple?” She asks again with that smug smile on her face that I have seen many times before when she is planning something. She knows full well that we have no made things official and that I am not very happy with that but I wasn’t going to push him. Yet, here she is putting him on the spot.
“What do you mean new couple? We have been together for a while now.” He replies, shocking everyone, including me.
“You might want to let Hope know that, bro.” Mark says from across me and I can see that he is trying to hide his laugher, god knows what face I must have pulled when he said that. I don’t know why he thinks we are officially dating since neither one of us has asked the question and we have not had the conversation.
I mean things are now so complicated because years ago if we were living together and sleeping together, we would definitely be a couple but it seems like recently people are just even more afraid to commit to one another. So, that’s why I thought I wouldn’t get my hopes up and start believing that I am dating Mike and then have some kind of surprise out of nowhere that shows he doesn’t feel the same way.
“You guys are being ridiculous, we’ve been living together for the past 6 months and together for like the last 3. Hell, she spent the holidays with me and my family, how can you think we’re not dating?” He continues to look confused and I don’t know whether to be happy that he considers me his girlfriend or a little mad that he hasn’t asked me or spoken to me about it.
I think this is one that I’m going to have to let go, because it’s not that important that he hasn’t asked me out officially. I mean we are living together and like he said, I spent the holidays with him and his family so we’re more serious than most couple that have been together this long.
“Well you’re not officially dating since neither of you have asked the other person and you haven’t talked about it. You forget that before last week you were all in a seriously weird relationship as no one was officially with no one but everyone was somehow together.” She waves her hands around and now that she explains it out loud, I can’t help but laugh at the mess that we made at the beginning of the year.
“That confused even me, and I was living it.” Mutters Martin and once again I am thrown in a fit of giggles as everything is kind of put into perspective and it just seems so ridiculous.
“You seem to know everything about us.” Remarks Mike as he stares at Lily since I hang out with her all the time but she’s only been around the guys a handful of times. I guess another thing he is yet to understand is that when keeping a secret or finding out something new, your best friend never counts as she knows everything.
“The best friend always knows everything, so yes I know everything there is to know about your relationship.” She says proudly and I blush as Mike turns to me, raises his eyebrow at me but says nothing.
“Can I get you guys a refill for your drinks?” Asks the waitress suddenly as she is standing beside the table and thankfully breaks the mood a little. I don’t know if Mike is angry with me or is trying to think back to everything I could have told Lily, it’s making him think something for sure.
We don’t come back to the serious topic of my relationship with Mike for the rest of the night. Of course, we all said that we were going to only have one drink but we might have a bit more than that. It turns out that I am quite good at holding my liquor but I find everything hilarious.
Same thing can’t be said for Martin who is very irritable when he is drunk, Mark on the hand relaxes and laughs with me. Mike is especially friendly with everyone as on the walk home we lost him a couple of times when he stopped to speak with strangers. Lily is just her hyper self but times a hundred, and I love it!
We all stumble into the house and to be honest for the next hour it’s just a blur of songs and dancing. I think at some point the neighbours were knocking on our door shouting for us to be quiet, and they’re students as well which is saying something about how loud we were.
Since I was dancing and singing for the past hour, it’s safe to say that I sobered up quite quickly but that didn’t mean that my good mood was gone. I don’t know how much longer it was before we all started to move side to side instead of actually dancing but soon the guys went upstairs to their beds and I was helping Lily set up where she could sleep on the couch.
“Thanks for the ambush tonight.” I joke as we sit on the floor and chat about random shit, honestly, I just can’t find the energy to get up and walk up the stairs yet.
“You know that I did you a favour, you’re going to go upstairs and have some great fucking sex and he’s going to be all sorry and shit.” She waves her hand around, the rest of the night has already happened in her head and I laugh because she is still pretty tipsy, meaning she has even less of a filter now than normal.
“He’s probably fallen asleep upstairs, I doubt there will be any fucking tonight.” I laugh along with her because I have since found out that it’s quite rare that guys fuck properly when they’re drunk.
“Then wake him the fuck up, I have a guy who could bring him a couple of pills if he needs some help in that department.” She wiggles her eyebrows at me and I laugh because I have no idea if she is being serious or not.
“He doesn’t have problems in that department.” I wink at her and we both burst out giggling, for no real reason because neither one of us are virgins.
“Talking about me again?” Comes a male voice from the door behind us and like children caught in the cookie jar we both freeze and slowly turn to look at him. He is leaning against the doorway wearing just his sweats and it might be the alcohol but he looks extra delicious tonight.
“We were actually talking about your skills in the sack.” Lily says from beside me and I just want the ground to swallow me up as her mouth once again puts me in an awkward position.
“All good things I hope.” He continues to joke with her and this time I have to grab one of her pillows to hit her with, then of course I use it to cover my red face.
“You should remind her of your skills.” She says before I chase her around the room with the pillow, for some reason she has decided that tonight is going to be the prime time for her to embarrass me. Of course, Mike is loving all of this as he is still leaning against the door and laughing his ass off.
“I think I just might.” He says before reaching out and grabbing me around my waist when I run next to him, still chasing Lily. He pulls me flush to his body and throws the pillow back to Lily who is out of breath on the floor but smiling at me and looking very happy with herself.
“Goodnight Hope.” She shouts from downstairs as we start to walk up the stairs, Mike’s hands are still on my waist as he pushes me up. Although I would love to hit her some more with something a little harder than a pillow, I do have to thank her for lighting a fire under his ass.
“Goodnight Lily.” I shout back and I hope that the guys aren’t already asleep because for sure we would have woken them up with all the noise by now.
“Now what was this about my skills in the sack?” He asks from behind me as he closes the door. I don’t know whether to be embarrassed or try to talk my way out of this, somehow.
“We were just discussing if you were asleep, that’s all.” I say and walk to my wardrobe where I take out some thin clothes I could sleep in. I don’t get far before I feel him behind me, pressing me into the wooden draws and thus shutting them.
“I’m not ready for sleep, are you?” He whispers in my ears as he leans over me, pressing his hardening cock against my leggings. His arms come from around me to rest on top of the wooden set of draws, caging me in completely.
“I’m not that tired, come to think of it.” I reply quietly as his hands move to the bottom of my shirt and he lifts it up, silently undressing me. Goosebumps line my whole body with his gentle and almost non-existent touch, nothing frenzied in his touch but my body is reacting in the way I have come to relate to only Mike.
“Do you think of me as your boyfriend?” He asks while hands are working on slowly taking off my leggings. The question taking me by surprise but his touch has put me in some sort of comatose state where my whole body feels like jelly and I would say just about anything for him to carry on touching me.
“Do you want me as your girlfriend?” I manage to ask instead of once again proclaiming my love for him, love I’m not sure he is ready to voice yet. I was afraid that my question would make him stop in his journey of undressing me but as he reaches my feet and takes off my leggings, his hands, now more firmly make the journey back up.
“You’re the love of my life, that’s what I see you as.” He says quietly, still kneeling behind me. His hands now so close to my ass, kneading the soft skin on the back of my legs. Who knew that such a small action would turn me on so much?
“You ready to tell me you love me?” I ask, feeling bolder now. I know he loves me, I just need to hear him say that he is in love with me, I want him to be ready and willing to commit to this 100%.
“I’m so in love with you that it drives me crazy.” He whispers and places a kiss on the underside of my ass, such an intimate gesture that I have not had before. Coupled with his sweet words are enough to bring tears to my eyes, the moment so precious and pure that I want to bottle it up and keep it forever.
“I’m in love with you too.” I reply breathlessly as his lips travel just an inch higher and he starts placing small kisses and bites on my ass. He has never done this before, I never thought that something like this would turn me on but the action of him discovering every single part of my body is incredibly sexy.
His fingers hook into my panties and just as slowly, he lets his hands glide down my legs before I lift them to help him take them off. My now bare pussy is shamelessly twitching and glistening with my arousal, which he can clearly see as my body is still slightly bent over the dresser.
I’m afraid to say anything to break the mood, also this position has me feeling extremely vulnerable but beyond turned on as I feel his breath glide over my naked ass. Just a small, barely there kiss here and there, paints his path in my head of his lips moving closer and closer to my aching centre.
“You’re so wet for me.” I feel him say against my ass, his mouth just lingering above my core. I arch my back, trying to get closer to him and I moan when I feel the tip of his tongue slide against my folds, capturing them in a light suction.
“Fuck.” I swear as he licks around my clit, his tongue barely touching me but the pleasure is overwhelming nonetheless. I grip the corners of the dresser as I stand on my tip toes, his tongue now solely focused on my clit while his hands are gripping my ass and spreading me open.
There is buzzing in my ears and I don’t even recognise my own voice as I continue to moan and beg for him to make me come. I never knew you could be so vocal with someone before Mike, but he just drives me crazy. His sucking and licking is make me ache in such a deliciously painful way.
“Fuck, I’m going to come.” I breathe out as he continues to lap and suck at me, my hips moving wildly on their own as pleasure is the only thing driving me. His grip on me tightens and I can barely hear his laboured breathing over mine but I can feel him groan against my pussy as I ride his face, screaming through my climax.
I would feel embarrassed about how hard and quickly I just came, but I don’t give a damn as he places one last kiss on my clit and stands up behind me. I reach back to grab any part of him as he once again cages me against the dresser but this time I can feel all of him against me, his hot erection sitting against my ass.
His hand once again on my waist as the other one I’m guessing is holding his cock as he teases me by flicking the head of his cock against my clit and opening. The simple action making my body jerk against him, once again turned on and desperate to have his pulsating cock inside me.
We don’t say anything as he pushes forward, sliding just the head inside but he holds onto my hips, preventing me from pushing backwards into him. The void inside me growing larger by the second as I become almost crazy with the need to feel him stretch me and fill me up.
I moan and groan as he pushes forward, too slow for my aching body as I would nothing more than to have him fucking me hard right now. However, he somehow knows exactly how to give it to me, in a way that I didn’t even think of myself. His slow but deep thrusts hitting a spot inside me that he has been the only one to reach, his balls slapping against my folds and clit, creating another layer of pleasure.
I don’t think I can even say my own name right now as he fucks me nice and deep, harder every single time he pushes forward. His thrusts pushing me higher and higher, pleasure coursing through my body, my hands becoming numb with how strongly I am gripping the wood.
One of his hands gripping my waist while the other snakes around my front to gently grab a hold of my breast, pinching my nipple gently every time he pushes back in. He knows just to work me and my body, I don’t care that so many other people can probably hear me, the only thing that matters is that he pushes in just one more time, he pinches me just one more time.
His thrusts become erratic and fast, he is ramming into me and my rising screams just continue to escape my throat. My legs starting to become a little stiff with being in this position for so long, I hold on tighter as he fucks me harder. I don’t know what words are coming out of my mouth but I keep saying them as I climb atop the now familiar mountain.
I have no idea how much longer it is before I fall from the cliff and lose my myself to ecstasy once again. This time Mike is along with me as he groans behind me, I can feel his hot seed filling me up. There is something so primal about feeling his pleasure spill into me, knowing that this is something special that we share.
I would have collapsed onto the wood and probably hurt myself but somehow Mike knew this as before my legs could completely buckle underneath me, his arms wrap around me like a cocoon. He holds me against him, him softening inside me but his arms are hard and strong around me.
We both slide down onto the carpeted floor, needing a moment to catch our breath and for our bodies to cool down a little bit. I must be in some sort of after sex bliss because I don’t care than my skin feels a little sticky or that the sweat on my body is cooling down, all I care about is that mike keeps his arms around a little while longer.
“You want to take a shower with me?” I ask after a couple of moments, some of the bliss wearing off and the need for a hot shower too powerful. We might have heating but it’s too expensive to keep it turned up too high, hence why I’m starting to get a little cold with the cold sweat against my skin.
“A hot shower would be heaven right now.” He says from behind me and his voice sounds a little rough, I must not have heard him groaning or speaking over my own screaming. I love that he can bring to such a place where a burning house wouldn’t be my first priority. I love that he makes me feel oh so special and like I am the most important person in his life.
I may be young at 18 but I know a good thing when I feel it. I know that the odds of us lasting are very slim but I also know that what we have is special. I know that you meet people for a reason and Mike is going to play a massive part in how my future plays out. Hell, I have known him for six months and he has already changed me.
I no longer question the motives of every single person I meet, I don’t judge them so harshly for the mistakes they have made in the past. Trusting people is no longer impossible, it’s hard but possible. I now see the good people, I am not terrified of opening myself up and telling him a little bit more about my past.
It may have been a bumpy ride to get us to where we are right now, it’s going to be hell going forward. There is the age difference between us, the fact that we are on different roads in life, we will have to fight to be the right person at the right time and not just another case of ‘right person, wrong time’. But with him beside me I am not afraid to fight, at the end of the day, doesn’t every say that you have to fight for what you want?
All of these thoughts and emotions are running through my head as I sit on the floor naked, with him still inside me while he is probably thinking about what snack he could have. It’s times like this that always take me by surprise, the moments where I realise how much I feel for him and I’m taken back by how I could feel like this.
Feeling like this and knowing that he feels the same way about me makes me feel like I have hit the jackpot. I have had a troubled and dysfunctional past, not the worst as I have had to remind myself numerous times, it could always be worse. But, it was enough to make me question my self-worth and stop believing that anything good would ever happen to me. Yet, here I am with a guy who loves me and friends who actually value me and love me. I know that life is not about to be rainbows and fucking unicorns, it’s going to get a hell of a lot tougher with every single turn but at least I know that I can survive it.
Suffering from depression taught me a very valuable lesson, I may have been a constant prisoner in my own mind, but what is going to be tougher than fighting with myself every single hour or every day? I now know that I am tough, I can take care of myself if I need to but I also know that I now have people around me that want to take care of me, help me.
I now have hope for the future, in some twisted way maybe my mother named me for the same reason. I needed hope all those months and years when I was struggling in silence and alone, now I am my own hope. I can do anything, and with Mike by my side, I know that I can have it all.