You ever get that feeling that you’re being watched? Well that would only be a feeling if the people watching you were any good at hiding their plain staring. Do they not know how obvious they are? The whispers in this lecture hall are not so quiet and I can hear most, if not nearly everything that is being whispered about me in this damn school yet they don’t ever shut up.
It seems that its everyone’s business who I fuck and how often; like they’re going to be there to watch. Maybe, I should just invite them over and get this whole thing cleared up, might make it easier for them to talk about if they knew the details of my sex life, as it seems that it’s the hottest topic right now.
“Don’t show them that it bothers you.” Lily whispers beside me and she is really the only reason I have been able to make it through this, I can’t even pretend to be listening to this lecture because of all the talk going on around me.
“It’s pretty hard to ignore them.” I say just a little too loudly, but it was on purpose as our lecturer Josh turns to stare at me and tells me and everyone else to lower our voices, looks like they’re not so smart after all.
We were pretty lucky that there was only 20 minutes left for today as like every other day the minutes dragged on, and my nerves are getting tested every minute I am sitting here in this fucking room. I feel like I need to punch something, or someone preferably but that would be against the rules and we don’t fucking break the rules!
“I need a drink or ten.” I mumble as we walk out of the hall and into the busy corridors, of course the people outside never wait for us to fucking get out but then again, right now I think that everything can make me blow my lid.
“I can help with that, as you well know my room is a liquor store.” She jokes beside me and the amazing thing is that it’s true, for someone who is living on not a lot of money each month she sure does go out a lot and spend most of it on alcohol, but at least she has fun and doesn’t let other people dictate her life.
“I don’t know whether I want to stay in and just lock myself away or get blindly drunk.” I say as we continue walking to the nearest coffee shop where one of our friends works, which is good for us getting free coffee and sometimes food.
“My choice is always the latter but then again, you’re not such a heavy drinker as I am. I live for the sesh.” Lily jokes beside me, even though she is not joking about how much she loves drinking.
“I just want to go away somewhere and not have to deal with anyone, I don’t even want to be around the guys.” I admit and I feel a little bit guilty as they have been nothing but sweet and amazing but sometimes I just need to get away from everyone and when you live in a full house of loud men, you don’t really have that option.
“Going home helps me, even for a weekend it helps me just relax and recharge a little. You haven’t been home since we’ve started university, don’t you get home sick?” She asks as we enter the coffee shop, she doesn’t think much of her words but when you come from my background, home isn’t really a safe and relaxing place to be.
“There is just stress at home as well, it’s not going to help me relax.” I sigh as we wait in line, I see that Ellie is not working today which means that she is probably in her room sleeping.
“I don’t know how to help babe, do you think going out might take your mind off of things? You can just come and have a sleepover at mine for a night if you need to get away from the house.” She asks and I might just take her up on that offer as I just need to get away from all of the drama, a night in with my girl will definitely help.
“I might take you up on that sleepover, maybe a change of scenery will help.” I agree as I pay for my iced coffee, yes it’s winter and I’m having a cold drink but whatever.
“Fucking 3 guys is getting a little too much for you?” she whispers and of course I was not expecting her to say that, so I nearly spit my fucking coffee out while she is dying in her chair laughing.
“Don’t say things like that out loud!” I scold her, even though I am trying to tame the smirk that wants to come out on my face, I know it’s wrong but it also feels so right to have the attention of those 3 amazing guys.
“Am I lying though?” She replies with that cute smile of hers and I’m no longer angry, I know that she isn’t making fun of me but just joking around which is what she always does so I can’t expect anything else.
“It is tiring but they’re worth it.” I say with a happy smile knowing that they are worth any drama that I might be going through because of living and being with them.
“You know it never works out, right?” She asks and she has this serious and worried look on her face, which is different because up until now she has been all about me enjoying being with the guys and what comes with that.
“What never works out?” I ask even though I have a vague idea of what she is talking about.
“You don’t think that this four way relationship is going to last forever right? You haven’t fallen in love with them, have you?” She asks and I think she is genuinely worried about me, which is something I am not entirely used to but I seem to be getting a lot since I have started university. They say that it changes you but you never quite know how until you’re there and living in a completely different way than you’re used to.
“The guys haven’t said anything about this not working out for them, and for your other question, of course I’m in love with all of them. Otherwise I wouldn’t be doing this in the first place, I’m one of those women who needs to feel something for the person she’s sleeping with.” I explain and watch the frown on her face get deeper and deeper, guess she was not totally on board with my weird relationship.
“Of course this early on they’re not going to say anything but do you really think it’s healthy you being in this relationship when you know it’s not going to last? I just don’t want you to get in too deep and then be a wreck when it all falls apart.” She warns me and it feels so surreal to hear the fears from inside my head being spoken aloud by someone else, hearing them out loud period makes them seem all the more real and scary.
“Did I hit a nerve?” She asks after I stay silent for a couple moment longer than I probably should have, when I really don’t know how to reply to her.
“Can we go somewhere else?” I ask because weirdly this conversation has taken a very deep turn and I feel my eyes misting up, and I do not want to cry in front of everyone.
“Of course honey.” She gives me a brief but much needed hug before we throw away our cups and of course I can no longer leave and enter a room without hearing someone whispering about me, you would think I am in some sort of teen high school movie with really bad narrative, but yet this is my life now.
“You have this really weird way of knowing exactly how I’m feeling and it’s sometimes a little bit too much, because as you can see I am close to crying.” I laugh a little as I try to wipe my eyes in a way that nobody sees, I hate crying in front of people.
“It’s a blessing and a curse.” She jokes beside me and once again she has managed to lift my mood a little bit, I love having her as my friend.
“It’s definitely a blessing, I wish I could read people so easily.” I say randomly as we fall into a comfortable silence walking through our campus and for a second I am taken back because there were many moments where I though I would never make it to this stage, I am the first of my family to go to university and I am damn proud of that.
“You’re changing the topic, girl, let’s just cut the bullshit and get straight to what’s bothering you.” She doesn’t even wait till we close the door behind us as she goes straight for the throat.
“Nothing is really bothering me but once in a while of course I start thinking, and we all know when you start to overthink things that’s when things get complicated.” I shrug as I sit on her bed. She lives in accommodation so unlike me where I’m in the house with the boys, she has her own room to herself.
I don’t even know how I agreed to move in with 3 guys when they didn’t have a room for me. A lot of things don’t make sense but when life forces your hand you have to make quick choices. Luckily in my case led to me meeting and getting to know some amazing people.
“I’ve gotta say, I’m a little worried about you and this whole arrangement at the house.” Lily says as she lays down next to me, I love how comfortable we are even though we’ve only known each other for a couple of months.
“You don’t have to worry, the guys are not going to do anything to hurt me. I love them and they love me.” I once again shrug because it’s as simple as that, I would never do anything to hurt them on purpose and I’m an alright judge of character and they’re not the type of people that would do anything to cause me any type of pain.
“They might not want to hurt you but with time it’s bound to happen. Neither of you have ever had or wanted a poly relationship, you’re pretty territorial and jealous with them so what happens when any of them want to get a girlfriend separately? What happens when they don’t want to share you anymore?” She asks and I am once again a little taken back, because she is all about having fun and enjoying life, not talking to me what’s right and wrong.
“I am their girlfriend. If they want to date someone else separately then like any other couple we’ll break up and go our different ways, I don’t know what to tell you. I don’t have any of this figured out.” I sigh as I lean back and rest against the wall behind me.
I know I probably should have had this talk with someone before entering a four way relationship but it all felt so right and I couldn’t have done this with better men. I don’t have any of it figured out, I don’t even know how I would react if anything of what Lily is bringing up happened tomorrow, and I am so confused about whether I should just let it all happen or actually really think about it all.
“You don’t have any of this figured out. I mean how did you react when you found out that Mike slept with his ex even before you guys were dating, you didn’t take it very well. You’re only setting yourself up for that but times three. I just don’t want you to get hurt, and I know when this all ends you’re going to be hurt and most likely lose one of them, if not all of them.” She says but it’s nothing that hasn’t passed through my head this past couple of weeks.
I mean it’s only been like 2 weeks since my date with Mark and I feel so bad, because I am constantly wondering if I’m spending enough and equal time with all of them which is not fair on me or on them.
“I’m not going to lose them, we were friends before dating and there are plenty of people that stay friends with their ex’s. It’s nothing new, and I don’t really want to think about us breaking up. I mean yeah it’s weird or unusual and there is a very high chance this will not end well but isn’t that the case with every relationship?” I start babbling and I haven’t realized that I have been raising my tone of voice throughout that whole little speech and that once again I have tears in my eyes, some of which I just couldn’t keep in there.
“Hey, it’s okay. I’m just trying to look out for you.” Lily tries to soothe me as she sits up next to me so I can rest my head on her shoulder, with her arm around me. “I didn’t mean to make you cry, I just can’t see how this whole thing is going to work or end well. I want what’s best for you, I haven’t know you that long but I know what you deserve and heartbreak isn’t it.”
“You didn’t make me cry, you’re just saying what I’ve been thinking this whole time. I have no idea what I’m doing, I’m only fucking 17 and have barely had a normal relationship with one guy let alone three men. I’m terrified of losing them or having to chose, but at the same time I can’t spend the same amount of time with each of them and keep on top of my studying, I don’t think anyone has the time to date three people when they’re unemployed and have nothing else to do during the day.” I ramble on once again but like the good friend she is, she just listens to me and when she knows that I am done, then she will say something.
One of the best things about having a genuine friend is they care about what you’re saying don’t interrupt you as often but they listen to you and really hear you. I’ve been so used to just censoring myself and knowing that no matter what I say, the other person will not care enough to take it into account that I just never said so many things that I now see that I should have gotten off my chest, I guess that’s what my counselor was for.
“Don’t be so hard on yourself! I was just asking to make sure that you were thinking even a little clearly, I don’t want you doing something without knowing what could come out of it. You know everything that I have done and when you blur the lines between relationship and casual then it becomes very messy. I want to make sure that you really want to be doing this, because it’s going to be fun for the first couple of months but people and feelings change.” She speaks quietly and I know that she is speaking from experience, I wish that I could brush off what she is saying but I’m the one thinking the same things.
“What should I do?” I ask quietly as I feel the guilt settling in.
“I can’t help you there baby, you’re going to have to decide if you can really be in a relationship with all of them and then when it comes to things falling apart if you can live with them being your friends or seeing them with other people. Also if you try and make it work between the four of you, because there are people making it work, you’re going to sadly get used to being called a slut and questioned about every single one of your choices.” She is once again the voice of reason today and she is just what I needed to hear. I can’t keep avoiding and denying my thoughts and feelings, they’re not going away.
“I’m so confused, I have no idea what to do.” I admit as it seems as though today is going to be a day full of confessions.
“Text the guys that you’re going to be staying over so they’re not worried but knowing them, tomorrow you’re going to get pampered because I stole you away for one night.” She laughs because that’s actually what happened last time I stayed with her a little later than normal so when I came home it was like when your dog sees you after a long day, it was adorable.
“They are kind of like puppies, aren’t they?” I ask with a smile as I text them on our group chat to tell them that I’ll be home tomorrow morning. Of course, within minutes I a couple dozen sad face emoji as a reply but I know that because I’m gone they can be extra messy around the house, they might even order pizza without me which is unacceptable if they don’t save me at least 2 slices that I can have for breakfast.
“Did you have to take all them bitch?” She asks and not for the first time, she is mainly making fun the rumors and insults being spread about me. I have been branded the hoe of the university, or at least our year and it seems as though people know exactly what’s going on behind closed doors when only a handful of people can be sure of what is really going on.
“I’m mean like that.” I reply with a laugh as that is what I wish I could say to all the girls talking behind my back how I couldn’t chose one but I had to take them all, that I shouldn’t be stringing and playing with them, as if they know me or anything about me more than my name.
“Do you at least promise to talk to them or someone about your thoughts? Because I don’t want to assume that you’ll come to me but you know it’s not healthy keeping things to yourself.” She once again advises me and she has given me advice here and there but this is the first proper time where she is giving me actual wisdom and in such large quantities as well.
“Where is this wise woman coming from?” I joke because she on the other hand is sometimes being made fun of for being a blonde and a lot of people underestimate her and what she can do, but as I’ve found out she is more than just a pretty face.
“I keep her locked up in a very dark place in my mind, if I let her out too much then people expect me to be responsible and shit. I don’t need those kinds of expectations.” She jokes and for the first time today I am laughing because I know that she means it, she genuinely doesn’t want everyone to know that she is this smart because then she will have to act like this all of the time.
“I thought your whole mind was a very dark place?” I banter and just like that we are back to the way we always are.
“Once again you’re changing the topic, for weeks now I’ve wanted to know the details of what it’s like fucking three men at the same time. Give me all the details.” She begs from beside me and I have to once again laugh because she genuinely wants to know and it’s only fair because I find out everything about her sex life, we’re close like that.
“Well it’s a lot of work but at the same time they do a lot of it.” I start off and I laugh at the joy on her face when she realizes that this time I am actually going to give her more than just a couple of words.
“Are they all good in bed? They can’t all be amazing, otherwise I might just have to kill you and take your place in that house.” She plans but I know that she is joking, at least I hope she is because right now I am not in the mood to die, at least not today.
“They are all amazing in bed!” I confirm with a smirk and watch as her mouth drops at my confession, I can practically see the jealousy and envy oozing from her, but in a good way.
“You go girl! I can’t believe you went from the inexperienced near virgin to fucking three guys on the regular, oh my god how is your vagina not sore? Fuck me that’s a lot of fucking.” She exclaims and winces as she starts to think about it.
“They’re not always rough and I don’t have sex with them all of the time and all at the same time, it depends on the mood. They take good care of me and if they see that I’m in pain then they either back off or go easy on me.” I smile because like before, admitting these thoughts out loud makes me realize how well they actually do take care of me and I hope that I never start taking it for granted , because then that would be very sad.
“To me it sounds like you’re describing the perfect set of guys. They miss you when you’re gone for more than a couple of hours, they take you out on amazing dates, they fuck good and they take care of you. Bitch now I’m jealous, do you have space for a fifth member of your little group?” She asks and bats her eyes in a way that doesn’t work on me so it’s funny to see her try.
“You know that to have puppy eyes, you need to be puppy, it’s kind of in the name.” I joke and laugh at her.
“Of fuck off bitch. You with your perfect life and your perfect boyfriends.” She swears at me but I can see the smile coming out on her face but even though she is joking, she does take a pillow and hits me straight in the face that little bitch.
“You’re really going to be so cliche as to start a pillow fight?” I ask as I watch her get more comfortable on the bed next to me.
“Well it’s not really a fight because there is one pillow and I have it, so basically I’m just going to be beating the shit out of you.” She smiles innocently but then throws her head back and lets out the most evil cackle I think I have ever heard before hitting me repeatedly with the pillow.
It doesn’t last for long however because she is soon out of breath and I got my revenge, I might have gone a little too hard on her but can you blame me? I’ve had a hard week.