Remembering Scars

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Chapter 4

Avery’s bedroom was stylish and made for comfort, with heated hardwood floors and a massive kingsized bed that had a matching canopy just overhead. The walls were painted a light brown color, like chocolate milk mix, giving the room a warm and homey feel. Posters of actors and musicians lines the walls, there was a sliding door that lead to a walk in closet, and a bay window extended just a bit from the wall, making room for the little daybed. An open door led to a modern bathroom with pebbled flooring and a jakoozi tub, as well as a glass doored shower with pebbled wall that matched the floor, and a shower head up on the ceiling, making a type of rain fall shower. The sink was stainless steel, raised up from the counter like a big bowl.

Currently Sebastian was settled comfortably beneath the dark purple sheets and comfortors on the bed, his arms raised and folded beneath his head as he stared up at the canopy, his mind wandering as his friend slept soundly beside him.

Avery was lying close to Sebastian on his stomach, with his arms wrapped around the pillow at his head. His colorful hair was a mess, and his lips were parted to release soft, breathy snores, the small sound enough to pull up a tiny smile on Sebastian’s lips. He rolled his head to the side to look at his sleeping friend, rolling onto his side and reaching out to push back Avery’s hair, his hand moving down a bit to massage small circles onto his neck.

The young man was truly amazing, the best friend Sebastian had ever made, and despite his past, he was actually incredibly affectionate and protective. Bas was probably the only one who was familiar with Avery’s soft side, as with anyone else, Avery was nothing but cruel and cold. Bas understood. He knew Avery’s harshness and distrust was due to childhood trauma similar to Sebastian’s, but he did consider himself lucky that the young man had chosen him of all people to open up to.

A low hum left Avery’s mouth, and he curled closer to Sebastian, who paused his small massage to watch his face, “Why’d you stop?” Avery grumbled, his voice deep and heavy with morning grogginess, “Felt good.”

Sebastian smiled and returned to massaging the back of Avery’s neck, “Sorry.”

“Mm, sleep good?”

“Yea,” Bas frowned, “I had a nightmare, but I didn’t wake up.”

“Mm sorry,” Avery mumbled, wiggling closer and wrapping his arms around Sebastian’s waist, rubbing his cheek against his bare chest, “Can I make it better?”

“I’m awake now,” Sebastian assured, “There’s no need.”

Avery peeled open one eye and looked up at him, “Want a morning greeting then?”

Silence was the answer, until Sebastian grunted and rolled onto his back, pulling Avery with him so he was sitting above him, straddling his waist with his hands on Bas’ chest. Avery smiled, seemingly happy that Sebastian was letting him do what he did best, and leaned down to bite at his bottom lip softly, tongue lashing out, neither caring about morning breath as they kissed.

Bas reached up to grip Avery’s biceps while Avery stretched his right hand behind him, shifting so he was up on his knees and curling his back as his fingers found his hole, a hum leaving his lips as he worked himself loose, scattering kisses across Sebastian’s face.

“You know better than I do what you really want,” Avery whispered against Sebastian’s ear, “Who you really want. So close your eyes, imagine it.”

Sebastian nodded and let his eyes roll closed, his teeth biting onto his bottom lip as Avery pulled away from him, pulling his fingers from his enterance and taking a hold of Sebastian’s growing eraction, stroking it a few times before rising up on his knees, sitting back and pushing the prick against his hole, moaning as he sat down, Bas’ cock slipping in easily.

The younger man jolted on the bed as Avery sucked him inside, his hips thrusting up involuntarily as his arms shot up, grabbing onto the headboard as he gasped. Avery ground up against Sebastian’s base, humming in satisfaction and licking his lips as he stared down, hands braced on his friend’s taunt stomach.

“It’s okay,” he said, tracing his fngers around Sebastian’s naval, making him gasp and jolt more on the bed, “Pretend I’m someone else.”

“A-Ave-.”

“Shhh,” Avery leaned forward, kissing the side of Sebastian’s neck, “Just feel.”

Sebastian grit his teeth to keep from making noises, his eyes pinched closed as Avery bounced on top of him, his erection slick and slipping in and out of him easily, the heat intense around him. With closed eyes, he tried to follow Avery’s orders, trying to imagine what he really wanted.

A lithe body on top of him, dark hair falling over one eye, lips parted and quivering, heavy moans of pleasure filling the room, so loud everyone could probably hear it. Trembling hands trailed across his chest and stomach uncertainly, whimpers and whines melodic and beautiful as his back arched, his head falling back as his voice rose. His light blue eyes were wet with tears of pleasure, his small body shuddering, his hole tight, the sensetivity intense as he bounced on Sebastian.

“Ugh, Gi-l,” his own eyes burned as he reached down and dug his nails into Avery’s thighs, his teeth grinding as he trembled, trying so hard to imagine it was his brother riding him, and not his friend, “Gil...”

“I don’t think it’s helping anymore,” Sebastian sighed, his head bowed as the hot water rained down on him.

Avery frowned seriously as he poured shampoo into his hands, setting the bottle down before scrubbing it into his taller friend’s hair, “I’m sorry, Bas. I want to help you, but I’m not some know it all therapist. I don’t know how to make this better for you.”

“Maybe there’s still a chance I can forget,” Sebastian shook his head, “I just... maybe there’s medicine, or... or something like it. Alcohol, maybe if I drink more it’ll make me forget. Or drugs. Isn’t there a drug that can make me straight?”

“No, Bas, we’ve talked about this,” Avery said in a gently scolding tone, taking Sebastian’s hands in his, “You can’t just change who you are, babe. You have to embrace it.”

“I can’t,” Sebastian shook his head more, tears falling quickly down his face, “I can’t just accept the fact I’m attracted to my fucking brother! It’s so disgusting!” he covered his eyes with his hands, choking on his sobs, “He’ll hate me so much.”

Avery wrapped his arms around Sebastian, holding him tightly as Sebastian buried his face in Avery’s hair, his shoulders trembling from the heaviness of his sobs. There really wasn’t anyway to change himself. He knew that, he knew there wasn’t a damn thing he could do. There was only one way he could think of to make all of his disgusting feelings stop, but... he was so damn scared.

His hair was still wet from the shower when he left the apartment. He honestly wanted to stay, but Avery had work, he had clients to attend to, and Sebastian had no real reason to stay. Besides, he had school the next day, and if he didn’t get home soon, Ben would be really upset.

Standing at the front door of his house, he simply stared at the doorknob, not caring about the insane cold that surrounded him or the clouds of breath as he exhaled. After simply standing there in silence for quite a long time, Sebastian reached out and turned the door knob, stepping into the warm house and shrugging off his coat, just as rapid footsteps echoed down the hall.

When Bas looked up, pain began to throb in his chest, and he inhaled sharply as he froze, just as thin arms wound tightly around his neck, a small body throwing their weight against him completely as they buried their face against Sebastian’s shoulder, dark brown hair covering his mouth and nose. It was a familiar hug, surprisingly warm, but he didn’t return it. He was afraid that if he did, he may break his fragile brother by never letting him go.

Gil cursed loudly with his face hidden against Sebastian’s shoulder before pulling away from the hug and grabbing his younger brother by his upper arms, glaring up at him, “Where the hell have you been?!” he demanded, relief and anger in his light eyes, “Damn it, Seb, why do you run off after every fucking fight?!”

Sebastian just shrugged without replying, staring down at his shoes before raising his eyes up to look at his older brother. In three years, both of them had changed immensely. Sebastian had overshot Gil in terms of height about a year ago. Now he was much taller, his shoulders had become broader, and furious work outs had resulted in thick muscles lining every inch of his body.

Gil, on the other hand, was barely the same height as Avery, with Sebastian towering almost two heads higher than him. His face had become pale, with dark bags beneath both of his once sparkling, but now dull sky blue eyes. It was easy to see he was a lot smaller than he used to be, and the green had faded from dark hair, which was shoulder length and messy, the bangs falling to hang over his eyes.

More often than not he would wear baggy clothes, as well as a sweatshirt that seemed several sizes too big, the bottom hem dropping down below his hips, the sleeves covering almost the entirety of his hands.

Sebastian sighed and bowed his head a bit before speaking, “I... guess I should apologize, right?”

“Apologize?” Gil narrowed his eyes and shook his head, “This has been happening more and more often, with each fight you and I have. What’s going on with you, Sebby?”

“Don’t call me that,” Bas said, “I’m almost eighteen, I’m not a kid anymore.”

Gil’s eyes were wide, his face growing a bit paler, and he chewed on his bottom lip as he shook his head, “Seb... you’ve never been like this before. I’m really worried about you, and I’m not the only one! Wolf and Pete too! Pops and Rita, Kitty, Jaimie... you used to tell me everything, baby brother. What’s changed?”

“Yea, I used to tell you everything,” Sebastian had a dark look on his face as he glared down at Gil, “What about you? Have you ever told me anything?”

Gil’s head reared back, and he opened and closed his mouth without speaking, “I-I don’t-.”

“You’re hiding things from me. About mom. I know you are,” Gil’s face looked white, “Why? I’m not a kid anymore, what haven’t you told me about mom?”

Gil stuttered before finding his voice again, his eyes growing dark, “Is this another fight?” he asked, looking like he was really getting tired, “Yea, there’s a lot I haven’t told you, because you don’t need to know, Seb. The shit that happened back then... just be happy you were a baby and can’t remember!”

Sebastian’s eyes narrowed, and he lifted his chin a bit, “What makes you think that?”

Gil’s blue eyes flashed, and something like fear crossed over his face, before it faded. His arms fell away from Sebastian to hanf at his sides, and his hands curled into shaking fists, “Usually after we fight, you’re the one to run off like a pathetic baby, but Pete wants to see you, so I’ll be the one to leave this time.”

With that said he stepped forward, walking past Sebastian without looking at him. Bas just pinched his eyes shut until the door had slammed shut, then took a gasping inhale and raised his hands to rub at his eyes. He instigated everything, ever fight, because he wanted one of them to leave, it didn’t matter if it was him or Gil that stormed off, he just wanted one of them to leave.

He was avoiding confrontation every way he could, no matter the consequences, because if he was allowed to stay near Gil for longer than a few minutes, the possibility that he’d do something stupid grew intensely, and he didn’t want to risk it. He couldn’t. He wasn’t strong enough to control himself. It was bad enough their rooms were across from each other, it made sleep nearly impossible.

Sucking in a heavy inhale, Sebastian dragged his hands through his hair, pulling at the ends before dropping his arms and starting towards the stairs, hiking up two at a time and heading for the second door on the right, where Peter’s room was located. He knocked once before pushing the door open, and couldn’t stop the smile from forming on his face.

Jacob was sitting up on Peter’s bed, his back against the headboard, and his left arm raised and tucked behind his head. Peter was lying curled up under the covers on his left side, with his right arm thrown over Jacob’s waist, his left arm pulled against his chest. His eyes were closed, and Jacob’s right arm was curled around his shoulders.

It looked like Pete was asleep, and Jacob was still in his work clothes, neatly pressed jeans and a white dress shirt with the sleeves rolled up above his elbows, a black suit coat draped across the back of one of the chairs in the room. He was watching the TV on the wall, the controller sitting on the bedside table, the volume on low so it wouldn’t bother his sleeping partner.

Sebastian closed the door quietly behind him and stepped into the room, waving a hand when Jacob looked over and saw him, “How’s he doing?” he asked quietly, and Jacob’s lips twitched a little as he looked down at Peter.

“He’s alright. Woke up last night from a coughing fit, so he’s resting.”

“Gil said he wanted to see me.”

“Where were you?” the groggy voice had both Sebastian and Jacob frowning, but Jacob was the one to speak.

“Hey, I thought you were sleeping.”

Peter hummed and lifted his left hand to rub at his eyes, “I’m okay. Where were you last night?”

“Avery’s,” Sebastian answered honestly, stepping further into the room and sitting on the edge of Peter’s bed. He didn’t have to play dumb around Peter. He already knew about Gil, and he’d met Avery a few times. In fact he was the only one out of he, Wolf, and Gil who had actually met and accepted the dancer as Sebastian’s friend.

Hearing his name, though, had a frown on Peter’s lips, and he pulled his right arm from around Jacob and reached out to Sebastian, taking his hand and squeezing it before closing his eyes again, “You’ve been seeing him more often.”

Sebastian just stroked the back of Peter’s hand with his thumb, not looking at him as he replied, “And?”

“It means things are getting harder for you,” Peter said softly, and Sebastian sighed, bowing his head.

“It’s okay, it’s nothing. It won’t make my grades fall. I think.”

“I don’t care about that,” Peter admitted, “I just want you happy again. All you seem to be doing is making yourself miserable, and fighting with Gil isn’t going to make anything easier for you. It’s hurting you both. He doesn’t understand why you’ve grown so cold and distant, and it’s eating him alive.”

“Would it be better if he knew so we could both hate ourselves?” Sebastian asked, and Peter sighed heavily, “I’m sorry, I just... it’s not that easy.”

“I know, Seb, but beating yourself up over it won’t help anyone.”

“You don’t get it,” Sebastian raised Peter’s hand and buried his face against it, his shoulders trembling as tears burned his eyes, “It’ll just hurt even more if I... if I try to be that happy kid again. I can’t fake smiles, it’s too painful. Please, just tell me what to do. I’m so lost, I hate myself so much. I’m disgusting.”

Peter opened his eyes and used his left arm to push himself to a sitting position, leaning against Jacob to stay sitting and pulling Sebastian closer to wipe the tears from his face, “Listen, alright? If you want my advice, if you want big brother to tell you what to do, then I will. Tell him. He won’t hate you. If he gives you the cold shoulder, it won’t be because he thinks your disgusting, please believe me,” he curled Sebastian’s hair behind his ear and kissed his forehead, “There are things about Gil you don’t know. It’s those things that will keep him from accepting you.”

“So what then?” Sebastian shook his head, rubbing at his eyes, “What do you expect me to do?”

Peter smiled softly, “Just tell him. Follow your heart. No matter what, even if you’re taller and stronger, you’re still his baby brother, and he loves you, far more than you know,” he cupped both hands around Sebastian’s face, “You’ve already saved him in ways you don’t realize.”

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