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By KewalnamChrist All Rights Reserved ©

Thriller / Romance




Chapter One






Loving oneself, is as difficult as kissing your own lips. For us to pursue our own love, is like a dog in pursuit of its own tail. Love is a perilous paradigm, often tossed around without care. And in its collision, we have become arrows of hatred, split in two. Terminal in kinetic friction, and bleeding at a transformative velocity. I don't love like you. You don't love like me, and neither of us has a clue, what love really is. We know we cannot imitate this thing. . . There is no way of “getting” it, and yet it is essential that we have it. We will not evolve harmoniously unless we can love us and each other. So the question becomes; How do we get it? Is it in the pursuit? Is it something that you have to contract? Or is it, as the theologians say, “a gift of divine grace” which somehow is dished out to some but not others? I often contemplate how one word could hold such undefinable power. We've seen this word die so repeatedly we have proved it’s mortality yet, it rises again stronger than before. This misused masterpiece; these four simple letters can be used to save a nation. Or end a life. No greater power has left more broken men in all of history. Entire religions were formed from our hubris, but we still need to perpetrate an idea of eternal love to deceive the destitute, the exploited and the oppressed. But, if we can identify it, then why can’t we truly recognize it? The reason for this is that when we try to focus on the idea of love or self-love or, rather to know it, it becomes ambiguous. We lose it and us in the pursuit, only to be left chasing our own tails. The understanding lies in our relationship between the “self” and  “other.” If we explore what we truly mean when we declare “I love myself!” what we often find is that everything we love is something that we thought was outside ourselves. Even when we’re in love with another, what we selfishly love is the ways in which the other perceives us. And when we do eventually tell someone we love them, what we really mean is that we “ought to.” Conscious awareness begins to occur, when we honestly journey into our own selfishness. We did not create love, it is not man made. In understanding that which we did not create, we can force fake love, in hopes that one day our act becomes authentic. We do a great deal of damage on our relationships by saying that we love each other, when we really don’t. We give the impression of love, and people begin to expect things of us which we aren’t sure we can provide. But where did this begin? When we were born, we were given “unconditional” love that as we grew, we were expected to give in return. We were told that we were pretty or handsome, smart, funny, curious, adventurous, bright, fearless, and imaginative. These observations formed our identities and we became the people we were told we are. This works in the affirmative as well as its reverse and when we are fed the shittiest pieces of whom we are observed to be then that by logic, it is who we become. The dead beat, foolish, lazy, moody, nasty, pitiful, sneaky, stupid, superficial, and arrogant son of a bitch. By default the qualities that you perceived yourself as having determined your threshold for self-love. Yet, if ever, asked whether we do in fact love ourselves, neither the positive or negative response would be accurate since we exist only in relation to our reality. But, the ego will defend its integrity, raging on to define itself. Now think of one of your best features, the thing about yourself that you believe to be your appeal. Think of all the positive comments that you’ve ever had about that feature. Now do the same thing with your worst feature. Our love for ourselves is contingent upon the degree to which we are loved. However, there is no absolute to the variation of the energy only that it cannot be created or destroyed. And the perception of that degree can frustrate us to the point of swallowing the shallow end of a double barrel shotgun and pulling the trigger. Depressed and defeated at our inability to kiss our own lips. Our goal as beings in this Age of Aquarius is to view love as a spectrum. It can come in many forms; it is as mysterious as the human existence. It does not come in one color or race, there is not one way to perceive it or attain it. And you have to take it and let it grow where you find it. We can’t destroy this energy, this energy of love. In fact, when we won’t love or won’t let it out, it emerges in the form of self-destruction for the alternative to self-love, is self-destruction. When we won’t take the risk of loving ourselves or another purely, we are compelled instead to destroy ourselves and the other. Today, we live in an imbalance between man’s innate fear of love or female energy and a desire for power. Where slavery equals freedom, and true intuition is an abomination. Our fear grew so deep, that we began to hate ourselves. In our lack of respect for the feminine energy in ourselves and each other, we have experienced an existence of opposing forces. When the energy of femininity is distorted, denying the masculine energy within, it becomes resentful and withdraws love and communion. When the masculine is distorted, denying the inner femininity, it turns into aggression. Our imbalance has manifested into a sexist, racist society. Where race oppresses race, and sex oppresses sex. Where when people hear race they think, Black, Latino, Asian, West Indian. Where when people hear sexual orientation, they think gay, lesbian, or transgender, and where when people hear the word gender they think it means women, and in each group listed those individuals are disenfranchised. Our original state is nonbeing, nonexistence, and we spend much of our lives trying to break free of matter, freedom of mind, and desire, back into the deep region of being and nonbeing we are at the core. One often thinks to himself, "I must be insane." What we fail to realize is that society has, just as I do, a vested interest in chaos and catastrophes. Our comprehensive human reality, and this way of love is a path towards the annihilation of our beatitude. Towards depression, strife, riots, and murder. We're irresistibly drawn to it’s orgiastic state; it’s in all of us. We revel in it.

What I would like you to do now, is take a deep breath. Take a deep breath... and hold it... That's good.... Just make yourself comfortable... that's fine... and when you are comfortable... if you want to move... that's OK... you don't have to feel you must stay there, if you want to scratch your nose or whatever you want to do, that's OK ... just allow yourself to be comfortable. So now take a deep breath and hold it... and when you let it go... let go all the tension you can... Just let it go... that's good. Now take another deep breath and hold it. And this time let go of all the tension in your shoulders and in your arms... just let it go... that's good. And now take a third deep breath and hold it... and as you let it go this time just really relax... just allow yourself to be completely relaxed…

And as you breathe... just become aware of your breath going in and out of your nose, and going down your throat... and how comfortable you feel... just being aware of that breath... and with every breath out... you become more relaxed... more at ease... more comfortable... that's good... just allow your breathing to slow down,... relax more.... slowly... and now just allow your eyes to close when you are ready...when you are feeling nice and relaxed... that's right... and with every breath out... you can hear a voice in your head saying... become more and more relaxed... deeper and deeper... that's good... that's very good... that's right… Now allow the breath to settle and to find its own natural rhythm, letting the breath breathe itself. Try not to interfere with this process, and notice how the body moves in response to the breath: the chest expanding and relaxing, the belly rising and falling. If your breath is affected in any way by illness or pain, then just note this with a kind, gentle awareness. Try to let go of any ideas about how you think it ought to be, and just rest with an awareness of how things actually are for you in each moment. Now you can broaden out your experience even more to invite in the pleasurable dimensions of your field of awareness. They might be very subtle, such as tingling in the fingers, some sort of pleasure around the breath, or maybe the sun is shining through the window onto the skin. In your own way scan through your whole experience and notice little moments of pleasure, no matter how fleeting – and begin rising and falling with each moment. Imagine yourself standing in a space of total white, there are no walls, there are no ceilings or floors. As you look around you’re becoming aware that, you cannot see anything, smell anything, feel anything, or hear anything. Then in front of you appears a door, with a velvet violet hue around it. You walk toward it hesitantly at first, but curiosity cuts through caution and you open it. Each breath stolen, quantifies Qualia, peeling away the layers of ego. Your skin tears from bone serenading the empty space below. Muscles snap and shrivel, bursting into flames of light that flicker feverishly, you become without form, omnipresent, and omnipotent; seemingly solid yet dualmensonal. Pop, slip, down, D R O P, you fall freely down the rabbit hole. Not Alice’s but her’s, fluxing through streams, and nations of Gods and earths, like white cells swimming through veins.


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