Chapter 1-My heart
At the beginning of 2009 I was engaged, but he cheated (again) and I cancelled the wedding. The wedding date had been set for the 28th November 2009.
Nobody saw me cry because by then, I didn’t have any tears left.
Two months after I cancelled my wedding, the 29th August 2009; I fell in love with my best friend and our baby was born on the 28th November 2010. . .
This is my diary from the 20th June 2009 until the 7th May 2011 my wedding day.
During that time I made new friends, weird enemies, I went through my first pregnancy, disappointed everyone that loves me, amazed myself and realized that real love actually does exist.
Also during this time, two people who I loved dearly passed away: my friend Michelene Lord & my former Sunday school student Brydon Birkenstock. I miss them both terribly and always will.
I dedicate this book to Alban & Arden, to say thank you to them for showing me that what life truly is about… thank you to all my friends and The God I serve who gave me everything I have, without Him I would truly be nothing. When everyone gossiped about the fact that “the pastor’s child” had fallen pregnant, He loved me and kept me standing.
Ardie girl, many of these letters (actually most) were written before you were born but it is all about you. I look at my life and everything that has happened in it and Arden, it is truly ALL ABOUT YOU…
It all started the day I finally broke up with my ex…
so I said it’s over and it hurt so much but why is there a small part that feels relief?
I planned what I will do with my life, with him out of it, but can I do it?
I loved you so long, don’t know how to do anything else… am I trying to use him or is he using me?
What am I contemplating?
What am I suggesting?
Do I like pain?
Haven’t I had enough?
But a small part of me is excited about this.
Is it to be with someone new?
Or is it to spite the one my heart belongs too.
I am hurting and yet I am hoping.
Am I crazy?
Can I move on?
Is it him who is gone or is it me???
Can’t be but he held me…
He held my hand and told I told myself no, you felt nothing but somehow I did.
But he understands…
but how could he?
One moment I knew everything and how it should be and the next I am sitting next to you and I am blushing, am I blushing?
No I’m not blushing.
Oh dear I am blushing.
You took my hand.
Just like that.
We were just friends and you took my hand…
and I didn’t know it but I was drowning and his hand, his hand in mine, is all that’s keeping my head above water
He held my hand and I held his back and even if I wanted too
I can’t let go…
He took the day and he made it mine, never even knew anyone could do that, never ever knew, anybody would want too
He gave of himself, his time and his laughter and amazingly asked for nothing in return…
No matter what happens, I will hold today and know that it was mine I thought it would be Weird Strange Odd I thought I would be miss…
another … but I don’t
In your arms I am safe, like coming in out the cold
Like knowing he is the one,the one,the one
Did I say THE ONE??
Gosh this is too fast but it’s so right
how can I feel this way?
I thought I knew what this is about But I had no idea
This is how you make it
Thought I knew what it was, thought it couldn’t be about me
But you took me somewhere that I didn’t know I could go And yet my heart knew that’s where it wanted to be It is beautiful
What we are together is so beautiful and somehow I understand somehow I have peace even when it hurts and it does hurt I accept, And I believe I still must believe And somehow I understand, Somehow I have peace Even in the turmoil, And there is turmoil,I accept,And I believe,I still must believe,I accept,And I believe,I still must believe
I can’t explain it,I just really want it too last,I can’t believe it
I just really know it’s real,Please don’t let him break my heart
Please don’t let him lose me,And it seems so real,It seems so right,And yet,I am so very very scared,I can’t let him go now
And I don’t know if I ever will, We became one it must be something, I can’t explain it and you try because you can finally you can been set free
I have let go,And you have yet,Too know…,And you get it
Because it’s real,Finally it’s real,Been set free,I have let go
And have just yet,Too know,And you love…how can you break my heart there is nothing left to break how is this a risk when I have nothing to lose and yet I love you
I am in love with you, And all I want is to be with you
How can I love you, I swore I’d never
How can I trust, When all I ever do is loose
And yet I do, I do love you
I am so in love with you.
I am more than in love with you
More than close More than true
I just don’t know about you…
I wish I knew and maybe I shouldn’t
All in good time
I am more than in love with you
More than close
More than true
I just don’t know about you
I wish I knew
I wish I knew if only I can wake up and see you if u can just see you my friend just one more time just hear your voice it hurts so much.
I feel so empty
There’s a place you filled
That no one else ever ever will
If I can go back to yesterday, And see you
If I can just hold you my friend
Just one more time
Just hear your voice
It hurts so much
I feel so empty taste your heartbeat make it part of me cant get anymore close and yet we’re still getting closer your breathing through me talking to me making me feel what I never ever knew, And the more I have the more I want
And you give more
And I’m insatiable
And I try to pull back
But fall deeper inside
And I see it there in your eyes
Taste your heartbeat
Taste your heartbeat if only I knew I was with you that I was the one who belongs to you the only one I wish I was yours
And even more
That you were mine
And I miss you so
And I need you so
I don’t want to need you
I told myself
Not to need you
But I need you
And if only I knew
Knew I was with you
That I was the one who belongs to you I need to do what is right for me, for my life
For my salvation
I need God to lead me
Please lead me
That I may be who He wants me to be
I need to give my best
For me, for my life
For my salvation
I need God to tell me
Please tell me
That I may be who He tells me to be
I need to see the light
For me, for my life
For my salvation he wants me, wonder why can I give up before I try can I go through this again sleepless nights is he cheating?
Can my love never keep a heart beating
He needs me, not forever
Can I plan a future on never
I am going through it again
He is cheating
My love never can keep a heart beating and the space between us does not exist there is something so real and even when it scares me it still feels pure pure and real and beautiful you are too me and the time wasted does not matter there is something so right and when I am doubting it still feels true and right and beautiful you are with me and the words spoken does not lie there is something something so… you and it aches deep within me for I know you are more if only you could see yourself if only you could see me I love you, of that, I am certain
But haven’t I hurt enough?
I am trusting
Trying not to question
But when will you have enough?
And I am so disappointed
For I know that we are more
If only I could forget you
If only you could forget me
I am hurt McKay
Bitter to my soul
And it aches deep within it’s a chance it’s the best and I must take it it feels so insane its so not like me but it makes sense its who I am it’s a risk it’s the truth and I must believe it it feels so…it is so not…but it makes and it is and I am starting to be grateful for all the wrong you did look at how strong I am today if you had not done what you did I would be okay either way But somehow the things you did wrong, Showed me the right way
Yes, I am starting to be grateful for all the wrong you did
I am starting to be grateful
Because it led me to The One
And for him
I am so grateful just when I feel I’ve reached all of you
I find myself deeper in you
There seems to be no end to you incredible, amazing, unforgettable
Just when I think I’ve seen the best of you
I find myself blown away by you
Incredible, amazing, unforgettable
Just when I feel I’ve reached all of you
I find myself discovering you
There seems to be no one but you
Incredible, amazing, unforgettable expectantly with faith, with hope I have never believed
As I believe now
And I do believe
With joy, with so much joy
I have never given
As I give now
And I do give
Talk to me
Tell me what’s on your mind
Surely you can hear it in your voice
My voice does nothing
I wait for you…
I am afraid
But I am not scared
I am worried
But I am not doubtful
If only I knew
But can I handle it
Can I live with it?
I am strong
But I feel so weak
I am secure
But I feel so unstable
If only you said
But can I handle it
Can I live with it? and I listen to a song from Coldplay the song Yellow and it is all about you it seems to me that the stars in the sky the breeze in the air everything else that exists because you are you you were not amazing and I didn’t love you othing would exist he stars wouldn’t shine there would be no breeze no trees the earth would be flat nothing and no one else to lean on let me stay close to Thee
I don’t want to forget
How far you have brought me
How deeply you have changed me
How you truly saved me
My salvation my healing
This new secure feeling
Not from a thing
Not from a man
Only from you
Nothing and no one else to call on
let me stay locked to thee
I don’t want to forget remember how they teased me? nothing was right about me? still hurt by the names they called me but they weren’t dissing me, they dissed the God who made me… tiny eyes, sharp nose, red nose, bad skin, too skinny and way to happy (must be AHDD), knock knees, small teeth… what else? head, teeth, hair, voice??? never normal, never good enough, and now? NOW. I decide: I will never listen to you again. Tonight I decide to forgive and thank every bully, every so-called friend, every emotional vampire & every ex who hides their insecurities by picking on mine, who lifted themselves by putting me down… I’m stronger because of you and I thank you. I decide that I no longer hear you. I decide that I owe my real friends(die maatjies), my good ex boyfriends (both of them :-) ) , Alban (my boyfriend/best friend/hero/angel/ teddy bear/star) & my family a HUGE apology for not believing them when they said I’m beautiful. I am so sorry for the frustration and grieve caused. I decide tonight to repent to God that I ignored His Word & doubted His creation. I decide that He who made me knows more than he who hates me. I decide to embrace myself, as I am for who I am. I decide not you. Your opinion only mattered when Idecided to let it matter. I decide tonight that it doesn’t matter. I decide You and I hand in hand, you and I know where we stand… Nobody understands and we wont ask them too. they could try forever and never have a clue. if only if only if only the fact that I make you happy & that we’re in love. if only if only if only the fact that you make me happy was enough… Will it ever be enough? Nobody knows
Someday I will have a moment when it will be okay, you & I
and sweet moments…But what do I do now??
the truth about whatever…
You can have friends and still feel all alone. You can be happy all on your own. Nobody knows what’s in your heart until the day you fall apart…
Nobody will dream for me or go for it on my behalf, only I can do this & prove this.
It is but my dream.
But when will I?
when will I?
When will I decide to dream again?
can I find out? will you show me the way? i need to sing a song to you… i need to go. i need to know. been wondering and waiting. i have been thinking. and i think this is real. could you tell me? can i see you? will you let me know? i need to feel this feeling for you…
Let me see
Let me see tomorrow, I don’t want to see it all. Just need to know if you’ll still be here. Just really need to know.
What do I see in me . . . ?