After the wedding of all weddings I bumped into TGWTDG on the stairs into the office.
He started a conversation as though we spoke everyday and I felt at ease which was very unlike me. I usually take a very long a while to open up to people and yet…
I don’t know how to describe it. His cologne was sexy and so was his leg in his skinny green (yes green) jeans. He looked right at me when spoke very unlike the eye is dodging deceitful shit I was getting at home. He was just sweet and warm and I think I had forgotten what either those mean. And said the randomest shit.
“when you burst out laughing after I said I was looking for Moira, you made me think about the girl in Hozier’s – Take Me Church.” He said smiling.
I didn’t have a cooking clue what he was on about. I lived in a world of Tellytubbies and the pop crap my kids listened to.
When I got to my desk I immediately googled the song.
My love has got humor…
Oh my freaking word!!!
My breath caught in my throat.
She used to giggle at a funeral…
I put my hand on my heart (yes I literally did that)
Should have worshipped her sooner…
I felt a shudder course through my body.
I think I fell in love with him there and
Then. I downloaded the song and listened to it on and off for the rest of the day…
By the time I went to bed however I had managed to get over myself enough to tell myself that he was just making conversation. He wasn’t flirting or declaring his undying love to me. I shook my head at my own over-active imagination. But it had felt so nice though… Imagining that this sweet, quirky guy wanted me. I had no doubt that I was attractive, however when your husband, the only man you love and want goes off and loves and wants someone else… your confidence takes a knock. Suddenly I wonder what is wrong with me and why was I not good enough?
It is like our marriage was made of glass and he took a sledge hammer to it. Now all I see are the broken pieces. Now all I want is something or someone to make me feel like I am worthy.
A pretty fucked up reason to go and fall in love with someone but as I said before: “do not expect to like me.” Hell, I don’t even like me…