Throwing my keys on the floor I kick my door closed behind me and grab a beer from the fridge. I throw myself down on my leather settee. I’m pissed off, pissed at Carter, pissed at myself and pissed at life.
I feel like a first class prick leaving Enola the way I did, maybe I am, I’m stillnot sure why I did. I was having a good time with her and yeah Carter needed me but I could've blown him off, I usually do. All I know is she was making me feel and that was unsettling. She made me laugh for gods sake, I can't remember the last time I did that.
I noticed her as soon as she walked in, Carter too, hell his tongue was practically hanging out. She was stunning but it was the air of vulnerability that drew me to her, it called to mine and I couldn't ignore it. She looked like she was walking into a shark tank, her nerves coming off her in waves while she wrung her fingers and twisted her hair- long chocolate locks that fell to her tiny waist in loose curls.
I wanted to approach her straight away which put me on alert. I don't pick up women, not recently anyway. I’m too absorbed in my misery to entertain the idea of idle chat with easy women so I hung back but my eyes kept seeking her out.
After Carter left I couldn't hold back any longer, I knew I’d regret it but I had to speak to her, find out why I was so drawn to her.
On the way over I prayed that beneath her beauty was an unattractive personality and I could be on my way. I was so out of practise though I fucked up and she thought I was insulting her, smoothe coop real smoothe. Up close she was even more of a vision, her eyes as green as a feline on the prowl and her cheeks heavily flushed which was a nice surprise. I can't stand women that think the orange fake tan look is a good one or caked on make up that makes them resemble a drag queen is attractive, she was a natural beauty and it was so refreshing.
She was wary of me at first, her constant hair fiddling a give away not a flirting technique. She even seemed grateful I was talking to her as if men don't hit on her all the time or maybe it was me that was grateful. I’m not exactly fun to be around at the moment but she made me forget that.
She definitely intrigued me, one minute flirting and the next withdrawing.
I check my phone again, nothing, not that I really expect her to call, why would she when I left without a word like a fucking pussy. I've been kicking myself all night for not getting her number. I just want to explain that it’s not her its me. Yeah coop like that’s not a cliché, idiot!
Snapping out of my daydream I think of Carter, he'd laugh his arse off if he thought I’d gone soft for a woman and he'd be right. I have nothing to offer except my despair, women love that right? Christ I’m not some lovesick teenager, man up coop I scold myself, it was a chance encounter that helped pass the time, nothing more.
I'll likely never see her again.
Waking up I reach for my phone from my bedside unit to check the time, moaning when I see 5 missed calls from my mum.
Ugh persistent as ever I think. I need coffee before I can face an early morning conversation with her. Throwing back my quilt cover I reluctantly leave the comfort of my bed, put on my slippers and make my way to the kitchen as my phone starts vibrating again. Moaning in defeat I answer “Hi mum.”
“I've been calling you all morning, what's the point in having a mobile if you never answer it?”
I roll my eyes, I’ve heard that question more times than I’ve heard my name, I know its rhetorical so I say “Good morning to you too, what's up?”
“I need you to come over today okay? Soon as you can.”
“Why what's wrong? Has something happened?”
“Just come over okay, I’ll explain then.”
“No tell me now mum, you're starting to worry me. Are you okay?”
Sighing she answers “He's being released Enola, he's getting out early!”
I can't respond, my throat has closed up and speech is impossible, my heart is trying to escape from my chest and that's all I can concentrate on. I clutch my chest hoping to still the wave of pain that rolls over me.
Before the phone falls from my hand I hear “Nole are you there?”
I can hear my mums panicked voice, it registers with me vaguely but the tightness in my chest and erratic breathing are holding me back. I feel sick, shit I can't breathe! I double over trying to take big gasps of air, the pain in my chest is crushing like a tree trunk has fallen on it.
I know these symptoms yet I’m powerless to stop them or think rationally, tears stream down my face and I realise I’m back in my bedroom, knowing I need to calm down I crawl on the bed and assume a kneeling position. I put my head down to my knees, wrap my arms around myself and silently repeat my mantra:
Don't let it take hold of you
Don't let it take hold of you
Don't let it take hold of you
The bastard is getting out? How can they let him out? He fucked me up in ways no one could understand, these anxiety attacks being top of the list. I was a normal, confident, well-balanced woman before him.
I run my finger over my scars and really let go, sobbing and rocking back and forth like crazy people in movies do.
Breathe Nole Breathe
Don't let it take hold of you!
This is all his fault!
5 years ago
I'd always imagined if I was ever attacked or threatened in some way that I would fight back- kick, scream, bite, anything to stay alive and not become a victim but as I was dragged further into the subway I froze. I'd never really understood that saying ' frozen in fear' until now, I can't move I'm rooted to the spot like a statue.
My tears are falling thick and fast and I can feel the stranger, his stomach to my back inhaling my hair. With his hand over my mouth he walks around me until we're face to face, he reeks of alcohol, smoke and a faint hint of cologne I recognise but my brain can't register the name of.
I still haven't met his gaze, too terrified of what I’ll see when he suddenly grips my hair into a bunch at the back of my neck and yanks on it.
I let out a muffled whimper as the pain sears through me and I catch his lips curl into a smile. The sudden sensation of pain kick-starts my body into working and before I know it I’ve swung my leg into his crotch, he curses as he doubles over and kneels to the floor, it stops me in my tracks, I know that voice!
He uses my distraction to his advantage and grabs my ankle, pulling on it until I end up on the floor beside him, pushing me down he crawls up my body and slowly licks me from my neck to my cheek, I squirm and he chuckles enjoying my repulsion.
I can feel his erection and realise my fear is turning him on. I finally meet his eyes and gasp ' James'
“Miss me baby?” James slurs
He's still pinning me down on the floor of the subway, the cold seeping into my body and stones or shards of glass are digging into me. James scares me which is the reason I ended our relationship 2 months ago but strangely I feel relieved knowing who I’m up against.
“I've missed you Nole” his eyes roam my body “All of you.”
“Why'd you leave me Nole?”
James is an angry drunk always has been, I’ve been on the receiving end of his anger many times and know staying calm is best, he feeds off weakness and judging by the fumes radiating from his breath he's likely drunk a brewery dry tonight.
“ANSWER ME!” He roars slapping my face. Knowing fear encourages him I try not to react to the pain in my cheek and attempt placating him.
“I'm sorry James, I was stupid, it was a mistake, let me up baby and we can go somewhere and talk.” I pray I sound genuine.
Cocking his head to the side he narrows his eyes and studies me “Really Nole? That easy huh? Let's test that theory then.” He grinds his mouth over mine and invades me with his tongue, the taste of him makes me gag and involuntarily I try to pull back, he bites my lip drawing blood and sits back on his legs pulling me up with him.
“You're a fucking liar Nole. I’ve been watching you, you're nothing but a cock tease.” Drawing his fist back he punches me with the force of a sledgehammer and I slump back, out cold.
At some point I wake up, I have no idea how long I’ve been out and the pain in my face is excruciating. Why is my head bobbing up and down? I try to concentrate and catch sight of a street sign BLOSSOM VIEW AVENUE, relief spreads through me like wildfire, I’m no longer in the subway, I’m in kailans street but then my fuzzy mind registers I’m bobbing because I’m being carried. I look up just as James notices I’m awake.
“You're gonna like this Nole, I’m taking you somewhere we can talk, just like you wanted baby.” His voice is chilling, I’ve never heard him this cold and menacing before.
This time I’m not frozen in fear and I scream, the frequency so piercing I feel like I’ve deafened myself but I don't care. I’m in a neighbourhood and I hope someone is nosey enough to come and investigate.
James punches me again and before I pass out I watch as he lowers me into the boot of a car.