My mom was furious when she came to pick me up. I figured she would scream at me also, maybe tell me how pissed she is at me, but she’s been giving me the silent treatment ever since I slipped into the passenger seat. And after five minutes of this I was already sick and tired of it.
“Would you get it over with and yell at me already?” I asked exasperatedly. She sighs deeply before making the final turn onto our street.
“What’s the point of yelling at you Lilly? Nothing I say will change your stubborn opinion. I’m more disappointed in you than angry. I can’t believe you couldn’t be civil for one night!”
“Well why should I of been? Where was his mercy and civility when he always screamed at you knowing Alex and I could hear every word?” I shout, feeling my hands shake in anger. I tried taking deep breaths, but nothing could release the pure anger flaming inside of me. She could forget everything that happened or forgive him, but I just couldn’t.
“Lilly,” She said softly, trying to grab my hand but I dodged her attempts. I didn’t want or need this right now.
“I just want to be alone,” I muttered, climbing out of the car and into the house. I go up the stairs and walk into my bedroom. Flopping on my bed, I glance around. I used to have so much stuff in my room. The walls used to be filled with posters, pictures, quotes I loved, pretty much everything I found meaningful. But now they’re bare. No longer do they hold any meaning or life. As of lately I have felt like these four walls. Blank. Empty. Absolutely nothing. That is all I am.
I frantically grab for my notebook, needing a way to release all of these emotions. This notebook is my outlet. It’s the lifeline I seek when I feel like the world is drowning me.
Everything just seems so dark and bland right now. Nothing’s making sense and nothing is going the way its supposed to. The sun is rising but instead of feeling calm in its radiant embrace, I feel fear and despair. I want to just smile and shake this all of this off, but how can you shake sadness? Anger? Betrayal? All of these emotions clutch onto my sleeve and I drag them with me. Once I see something that makes me feel one ounce of hope or happiness they grab on tightly and drag me back down. They are like petulant children who demand attention. If you forget about one of them for even the slightest second they will bombard your brain and make you feel drained. There is no escape from them. There is no escape from me.
I skip dinner that night and just lie in my bed, surrounded by my emptiness.
“I honestly don’t understand why you keep following me,” I say to Justin. He hasn’t left me alone all day. Actually, scratch that, he hasn’t left me alone all week. Despite the fact that I’ve ignored him and made it achingly clear that I don’t want to talk or be friends with him, he doesn’t give up. I change my mind on thinking his persistence was admirable. It was just plain annoying.
“That’s where you’re wrong Lilly,” He says cheekily, “I am not following you.”
“Okay then Justin, then what do you call walking beside me and just magically ending up wherever I go?” I ask sarcastically. Jeez he makes me talk so much. That needs to change.
“It’s called a coincidence,” Against my better judgement I laugh, unable to hide my smile. God he’s so ridiculous.
“I don’t believe in coincidences,” I tell him smartly, entering the school’s library. He follows me of course, walking behind me until I reach the table I usually occupy in the very back. Setting down my lunch, I take a seat before Justin copies my actions like clockwork.
“How can you not believe in coincidences? Similar things happen all the time for no reason. That’s just life,” He argues.
“I am a firm believer that everything in life happens for a reason. I’m not going to be fooled by things that seemingly happened out of nowhere. It just sounds stupid to me,” I iterate, losing track of where I was going with this conversation, “anyways, why are you here eating lunch with me? Don’t you have friends?”
He laughs, and it takes me by surprise. When he laughs his smile engulfs his entire face, his lips stretching from ear to ear. His blue green eyes sparkle and it takes my breath away. Whoa.
“Why are you laughing?” I ask in embarrassment, feeling my face heat up. Fuck.
“Because you are funny Lilly Alvarado. And to answer your question, yes I do have friends. I thought that was pretty obvious,” He makes me want to rip my hair out.
“The point to my question was that if you have friends, why are you here bothering me when you could be having lunch with them?” I ask curiously. I mean, why would Justin sit here, in the library of all places, to eat lunch with me? It didn’t make any sense. Especially since I made it clear to him that I don’t want his presence. I ate in the library for a reason. To be alone.
“Because I’d rather be with you,” He says simply. I feel some weird fluttering sensation in my stomach as I roll my eyes, desperately trying to keep a blush off of my face. God why would he say something like that to me? I already had enough confusing emotions I couldn’t figure out.
“Whatever. Don’t tell me then,” I mutter, deciding to ignore him as I pull out my notebook. We don’t talk for a while as I attempt to write, but for some reason my words are failing me. For once my head and hand aren’t one and words aren’t continuously falling onto the page. Every time I wrote something I ended up scribbling it back out. My mind felt blank. And that scared me.
“What’re you writing?” Justin finally asks. I close my notebook, giving up on trying to write a coherent sentence.
“Nothing. Absolutely nothing,” I mutter in frustration.
“I doubt that,” He says, reaching for my notebook before I quickly snatched it off of the table. I felt a large pit begin to gather in my stomach. No one reads my notebook. Ever. It contains all of the screwed up things inside of my head. It’s as sacred to me as a diary would be.
“Let’s get one thing straight here. If you’re going to insist on following me and sitting here during lunch, you are to not touch my notebook. Ever. Understand?” I ask him seriously. He raises his hands in defense.
“Alright I got you. I won’t touch your diary.”
“It’s not a diary.” I say in frustration.
“Whatever you say Lilly. I won’t read all of your deepest, darkest secrets and celebrity crushes.” Justin smirks, and I find myself becoming even angrier because how can anyone make that annoying facial expression and still look so attractive? I mean honestly.
“For the last time it’s not a diary. It’s more like a journal.”
“No it’s not!”
“You know Lilly, you used to be so smart. What happened?”
“Justin whatever your middle name is Grey, if you don’t shut the f-” At that same exact moment, the bell signaling the end of lunch rang, cutting off my soon to be vulgar response.
“Saved by the bell. Literally,” Justin says, smiling a goofy smile before gathering up his trash. I ignore him, copying his actions before slinging my bag over my shoulders. I quickly walk ahead of him, wanting to get as far away from him as possible.
“See you during lunch tomorrow!” He yells after me, laughing when I flip him off.
“Don’t even bother following me tomorrow!” I call back, opening the library doors and hearing his response before they slam behind me.
“I’ll just have to coincidentally be here then!” I laugh, making sure I was far enough away so he wouldn’t see me smile.