~~listen to Happy by Pink ~~
I never thought that I would be pining away for a guy after what happened last time, I had promised myself that I would be stronger than that and that I would never let another guy have such control over my life. Although, when you make such promises, you’re also changing your life, changes that were made because of that person you swore wouldn’t have any control over you.
There have been many times in my life when I have been confused and unsure of what to do next, where to go and what the right thing for me is. It may seem like something everyone goes through, but that doesn’t make it easier when you are in that moment and you’re feeling lost, with no one able to make your decisions for you, that’s the easy way out.
There are a lot of struggles that nobody talks about, being lost as you’re entering your 20’s is something I’m sure the majority of people have gone through. We just all have the tendency to think that what we’re going through is harder than the person next to us and that makes us feel alone. I’m not used to having people around me who are looking out for me, people that I know for sure that I can depend on.
Even now, as I have what I would call a best friend, Hope, and a guy who shouldn’t mean this much to me, Jules, I am lost and not found in many ways. I should be diving into my relationship with Jules, any normal person would recognise that he is one of those rare guys that are kind and good, who would do anything for those they care about. Hope, in the same way is such a pure soul, I don’t think she has ever hurt a single person in her life, which is impossible to do as everyone makes mistakes and sometimes we hurt those closest to us.
I have a lot of things in my life finally that should make me feel grounded and happy, a lot of things have improved and changed in the last couple of years since I’ve felt the need to seek professional help. Sure, a couple of sessions with a therapist were not able to cure all of my problems, but it did make me more aware of said problems and how I tend to cope with them.
The answer to that is, in a totally unhealthy way. I have never been good at dealing with emotional problems when I’ve come across them. I always find some way to make the wrong decision that leads only to trouble, even now as I have the right people around me, that doesn’t stop me from making the wrong decisions.
Tonight, I shouldn’t have blown off Jules and Hope so I can go out clubbing, I don’t even want to be in the crowded room with strangers who smell of sweat and want nothing more than the next hit of booze or something more. I guess, I would also fit into that same category, I’m in here looking for the same sort of high, the same distraction from what is going on in my life.
Any normal person would be in bed with Jules, or I should have at least called him to come with me. I know I shouldn’t be fighting this thing I have with him, even though I have no idea what it is that we have together. Do I even want to know? I guess the answer to that question is in the fact that I am here without him, and every time we take a step forward, I somehow push us back five more.
I don’t really want to have the body of a stranger pressed up against me, knowing that the only thing running through his mind is how he can get me to go home with him. A couple of months ago I might have been doing the same, seeing someone who I am attracted to, which doesn’t happen very often, and dancing for a couple of hours. After that, everyone knows you find the closest place with the least number of eyes on you.
The song is a low dull in the back of my head, as my last drink starts to kick in, I don’t even know what it was that the last guy bought me but since drinks are so expensive I’m not giving it too much thought or complaining what it is. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not stupid and just taking drinks off of anyone, I am right there when the bottles are being opened and the drink is only in my hands for a couple of seconds before I down it.
“You’re so hot.” The guy behind me shouts into my ear, don’t they ever learnt that you can’t be smooth or seductive in a club? You either rely purely on the fact that people have been drinking or for someone to be super horny and up for anything that night. If neither of those are in play, then the mood is very unlikely to change.
I don’t feel as though I need to reply to the guy, what am I going to say to him? As I grind back onto his erection, I wish that I found him attractive and wanted to jump his bones, I wish that I didn’t have a certain someone stuck on replay in my head. His green eyes, sometimes hazel, flash through me with every brush of my ass against the stranger’s dick.
This is crazy, there is no reason for me to think about him like this. We are not dating, so I am not cheating on him and I don’t have feelings for him. So why does it feel so dirty to be dancing with the guy behind me? Why can’t the beat and alcohol make me forget about everything but him? Going out was always something that distracted me, let me focus only on enjoying every single moment.
Yet, here I am, wishing I was snuggled up in bed doing nothing in particular but at least I wouldn’t feel so lonely surrounded by hundreds of people, as I do right now. I lost my flatmates probably half an hour ago, no clue if they are even still here. My bladder is being a little bitch as I broke the seal a little while ago, and even if I was into the guy behind there was no way I could fuck him and enjoy it with how badly I need the toilet right now.
“I need to use the bathroom.” I shout as I look back at him and yet again I am reminded that he’s not Jules. He doesn’t even hold a candle to his looks or the way he looks at me. I’m scared and I don’t know what the right thing to do is.
I know that I am in for a super long night that when I try to untangle myself from the guy but I think he thinks that I want him to follow me into the bathroom, which is the last thing I want to do right now. I have hooked up with guys in some pretty questionable places but I have never fucked a guy in a club bathroom. They are not clean or ever empty so it is literally the worst place for a hook-up.
“Alone.” I shout back as I hold up a finger to keep him away. I don’t like the sudden frown he has on his face and like all other guys, his demeanour changes the moment they realise they’re not getting laid tonight. Suddenly, I’m not worth it, not even that good looking and a cock tease.
Thankfully in a crowded and loud club I don’t have to hear all of his insults as I try to make it to the bathroom in the quickest way. My bladder is bursting and I am not above elbowing someone to get to a stall before them.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have the best time when I’m clubbing but at least I’m focusing on something else but what is in my head. Tonight, on the other hand is everything in my head on constant repeat. Do you know the feeling when you’re making a mistake, but know you’re making one as you’re making it? I knew that I should have invited Jules tonight if I wanted to go out that much.
Sadly, I am very good at pretending I’m fine so I’m pretty sure that he doesn’t even know that I lied or that I’m king of going back on my word. I didn’t technically lie to him the last time I saw him but now that I’m here without him and acting as if I don’t have something with him, it seems that I did just that.
It’s so easy to act against your own conscience, I don’t even feel like my body and brain are connected right now. My head is screaming for me to leave, grab some food and turn at his house again. I somehow know that he isn’t going to turn me away but it would also be such a shit move for me to go to him when just 5 minutes ago I was grinding on some random dude.
It’s not even morning and my head is already pounding with a headache.
I know that I would hate it if he turned up with the smell of another woman or her makeup all over his clothes. I’m a hypocrite but I don’t know how to do the right thing, I know what the right thing but I always find myself doing the wrong thing.
“Come one bitch, you’ve been in there for ten minutes. You’re not passed out, are you?” Someone shouts as they bang on the bathroom door and I have the urge to blush at having spaced out in the club bathroom.
“Fucking calm down, at least I wasn’t throwing up.” I glare at the brunette who’s waiting on the outside. I know I’m in the wrong but there’s no way I’m going to just roll over and have her talk to me like that. I can feel my blood boiling, my whole body just itching for a fight.
She doesn’t do anything more than glare at me as she pushes past me to get into the stall but she does mumble ‘bitch’ under her breath. I do get a lot of people who think they can say whatever shit that comes to mind but as soon as they see me, being 5’9 without heels and the fact that you can visibly tell that I work out, and suddenly they’ve lost all of their fight.
With the craze of working out more in recent years, most people just think that I’m following the trends and aiming for that ‘Instagram’ body, when in fact I don’t ever want to feel weak again and lifting weights and working out gives me that sense of security and safety. It doesn’t have to be anything extremely traumatic but once you feel what it’s like to not be able to escape if you needed to, you start to question whether you want to rely on luck for your safety.
I saw what it was like to have my father hit my mother, I’ve only ever seen it once but trust me, once is more than enough. Then when my ex decided that he wanted to control me, I never saw it coming. I didn’t see any of the red flags until too late.
Stumbling out of the club, I smile at everyone I know and once more the feeling of being alone hits me. There’s nothing worse when you’re struggling and no one even realised, no one notices. I’m so lost in my own head that I have no idea where I’m walking to. It’s one of those nights that I haven’t had too much to drink but somehow, it’s hitting me as I feel so drained and tired.
I guess it’s true what they say, alcohol just heightens your mood.
I have no idea how long I had been walking alone until I realised that the street lights were getting less bright and fewer in-between. My instincts kicked into gear immediately, I am the perfect prey right now for anyone who wanted to commit a crime. Luckily my brain is starting think again as I realise I’m only a couple of roads from the campus and I can make it home in less than 10 minutes if I pick up my pace.
There is no way to calm down once the thought of danger enters your mind when you’re a woman. Especially walking home in the dead of night wearing a short skirt and with alcohol in your blood. I know too many women who have been assaulted in this same manner to still be making this mistake and yet here I am, still putting myself in danger.
I have never been raped or assaulted badly but just hearing someone close to you go through that, it’s enough to scar you and the possibilities rarely ever leave your mind after that. My mind is sharp, none of the effects of the alcohol affecting me anymore. I feel the burning behind my eyes, the tell sign that I’m about to cry and there is no way that I’m doing that out here.
It’s no surprise that I hate crying and that I don’t cry often. I think the last time I cried was the first time my ex decided to slap me, after that I became numb to it all and didn’t even cry when I found him fucking his ex.
The relief I feel when I see that my floor is dark, meaning everyone is either still out or asleep. I don’t have to explain anything to anyone or lie and say that I’m fine. Tonight, is just one of those nights where I just feel the weight of the world. Even the sight of the picture on my student ID is enough to set me off. I’m smiling in that picture but inside I felt the same way I do right now.
The messy picture my bedroom floor is painting is another accurate representation of my head. Everything is out of place, thrown randomly and scattered around the room. Just like my thoughts which are overwhelming and yet I can’t pinpoint a single one clearly. I don’t why I’m suddenly feeling like this, I don’t have a reason to be feeling depressed and alone today but as I look at myself in the mirror, I feel the first tears begin to fall down my face.
I don’t understand why it’s so hard for me to be happy, even when I have something to fight for, even when I have something good in my life I manage to fuck it up somehow. I feel so inadequate and like such a failure for pushing people, not being able to open up and let them in. Why are relationships so hard for me when they seem to come naturally for everyone else?
Look at Hope who in her first real relationship, an unorthodox one at that, was able to navigate through it and end up with an amazing boyfriend and 2 amazing guys who love her no matter what. I feel that same pull with Jules, a pull that I never thought would happen to me and yet I’m sat here on my bathroom floor t 1 am on a Saturday, crying mascara tears at the thought of my life.
It would be so much easier to go to him, let him comfort me and take that leap of faith for something that could be amazing with him. I fight hard for my cries not to be loud, the walls are thin and I don’t want anyone coming in to check on me because they heard me crying.
Just like most other times, I like to wallow in my own misery alone. I don’t want anyone else to see me like this, I don’t want to open myself up to questions and pity, because even though they’ll try to understand, I’ve never had anyone truly get me. I don’t know what it’s like to truly trust someone, to not regret opening up and being vulnerable, to not hurt people who are trying to help me.
To not be a bitch when all I want is to be kind.
I will always question my worth and I will always feel as though my mere existence is a burden to those around me. Why do they choose to be around someone like me? Why do they want to share my pain if it means adding to theirs? I always feel like people will get sick of dealing with my problems and with my fucked up mental health. It’s selfish but I can’t stand the thought of one more person turning around and telling me that my insecurities are too hard for them to deal with.
That I’m too much work to deal with.
So many questions running through my head as it starts getting heavier and my limbs have no strength to carry me to my bed. As my body shivers from the feel of the cold tiles of the bathroom floor, my muddled brain can’t do much more than imagine how different the night would have been if I had made a single phone call.
So now I lie there on the cold floor, hair tangled and dried makeup on my face as I wonder why it’s so hard for me to be happy. Why do I make myself suffer? Do I really hate myself that much?
I guess some things never change.