Gone Before Tomorrow

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Chapter 13: It's a Guy Thing....

Derek

“And even if I did want to talk about it why would I want to talk about it with you?! Someone who can’t even manage to find the strength to stay alive!!” The words are out before I can stop them. I see Paisley’s eyes go wide and fill with tears ‘You’re the reason she’s crying.’ I think before brushing the thought away and sinking back into the chair. I look out of the corner of my eye and see that she is giving Jamie a hug and saying something to her that I can’t make out. Jamie takes her over to the door, and I see Paisley give the small girl one more hug before practically sprinting away.

Jamie slams the door shut and whirls around to face me. I can feel her gaze on me and can’t bring myself to meet her eyes. She may be small but she is fierce. She stomps over to me and yells “How could you be so mean to Paisley like that?!” her arms are crossed and one eyebrow is raised.

I slump forward and put my head in my hands before responding “I don’t know.”

“What do you mean you don’t know?” she practically growls at me.

“I just don’t know okay!?”

I hear her let out a sigh then feel small hands moving my hands away from my face as she wriggles her way onto my lap. “Derek.” she says in a soft voice.

“Yes?”

“Is this about Georgiana.” I can’t help it, and my breath hitches in my throat as tears begin welling up in my eyes. I try to speak but not wanting the tears to come out I stop. Jamie nods understandingly before saying “Paisley isn’t Georgie. Maybe letting her in wouldn’t be the worst thing.” She looks up at me then turns her attention to the wall opposite us “I know I was little.” She thinks for a moment “well littler, and that I didn’t know her for long but I’m sure she wouldn’t want you doing this to yourself.”

I look down at her in shock before wrapping my arms around her, placing my chin on the top of her head and saying “How did you get so smart huh?”

“Practice.”

We sit in silence for a few minutes, me just thinking and Jamie doing whatever it is Jamie does when she’s not talking. After a while she gives me a kiss on the cheek, hops off my lap and returns to her table to color. I sit back in the chair still thinking. ‘Why is this so hard? Why is letting someone in again so difficult?’ I run a hand through my hair as a voice responds ‘Maybe you’re afraid what happened to Amy and Georgie will happen to her?’ I shake my head ‘No, it can’t, she’s stronger..’ I stop myself realizing ‘You know nothing about her, whether she’s strong or not. Even Georgiana, the woman you thought could hold the world on her back, crumbled. And it was all your fault.’ I squeeze my eyes shut trying to stop the thoughts I know will follow but to no avail ‘Your sister’s death was your fault, Georgiana’s death was your fault, and what makes you think this time will be any different?’ I stand up quickly, walk over to Jamie and give her a hug saying “I’m exhausted I think I’m going to head to bed princes.”

She pouts and reluctantly says “Okay. I’ll see you in therapy tomorrow Derek.”

I just nod and exit the room, walking quickly to my room just down the hall. When I get there I see Matt sprawled across his bed a book open on his lap and headphones on his ears. I walk past him and slump defeated on my bed.

“Whoa man you look like crap.” Matt says with a little laugh which I cannot return.

“Real smooth.” is all I say, putting my head in my hands.

I feel my bed sink beside me as I assume Matt sits on the bed. “What happened?”

“I screwed up.”

“How?”

“I yelled at Paisley, and I said some awful, awful things.”

Matt lets out a hiss before responding “She seems like a sweet girl, what possibly could she have...” he lets out a sigh of understanding “She brought up Georgiana didn’t she.”

I stand up and shout angrily “Paisley doesn’t even know about her!!! And why does everyone keep talking about her!!!!”

“I’ll take that as I was right.” says Matt, I let out a sigh before sinking into the chair opposite my bed as my best friend continues “I know that you don’t want to hear this but man you really need to start talking about it. I mean you keep all these feelings bottled up it’s not healthy.”

“And you are just the poster child for perfect mental health.” I snap at him.

He covers his heart in mock hurt “Wow using sarcasm on me? That’s just low Derek even for you.” He says smirking.

“Oh piss off.” I say rolling my eyes.

“You know you love me.” he says throwing a pillow at my head, which I manage to catch. “But in all seriousness you really need to get that shit out dude. And who knows maybe Paisley can be the one to finally help you with that.” He shrugs his shoulders before getting up off of my bead and returning to his own. I groan before flopping face down onto my bed ‘Ugh’ I mentally groan ‘I gotta fix this don’t I?’ I think closing my eyes ‘yep’ a voice responds as I drift off to sleep.

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