Chapter Fourteen: Daisy.
I’m the biggest idiot in the world.
I knew that the moment that I woke up an hour after sleeping with Chris. I had gotten so lost in the moment, lost in him, that I couldn’t even tell myself it was a bad idea anymore. I couldn’t do what I always did, remind myself that my job was on the line and tell myself that he wanted nothing to do with me. Though it hurt to tell myself that, it became needed. In order to keep myself sane, and to keep life from falling apart around me, I had to deny myself what my heart wanted. Well, that’s what I was suppose to do. The moment my eyes opened I saw that I had messed up, I felt nothing but regret.
He didn’t care for me, he used me. That had to be it.
Maybe it was my own mind messing with me once more, it was hard to say, but in no way could I accept that what just happened was love. Because why would someone who was like him, handsome and successful, care about someone like me, a chubby loser. I had no plans, no future. Half the time, I didn’t even want to be alive.
And that’s why I ran.
I grabbed my clothes, my bag, and quickly called for Koda. He had been asleep on the rug next to Thor. I would of found it adorable, if I wasn’t so upset. I ran to my car, Koda not far behind. He jumped in, I sat and started up the car. I didn’t have time to think it through, or even decide if this was a good idea or not. I was out of the driveway and down the street before I could.
I didn’t realize I was crying until I heard a low whine from Koda who sat in the passenger’s seat. He always got uneasy when I was upset. I doubt he saw or noticed the tears running down my face, if anything he could just sense the change in my mood. I wanted to tell him I’m okay, that everything would be fine. But I couldn’t seem to make myself say that to him. Maybe because I couldn’t bring myself to lie. As of right now, I didn’t know if everything was going to be okay.
I slept with a man I worked for. Not only a man I worked for, but someone older then me. Not that age was such a big deal, but the fact that I promised myself to keep my mind clear of him was. He was different, kind, everything I wanted in a significant other. But he was successful, special, and he was seeing someone right now. He was just talking about how he had another date with this woman. She must be beautiful, successful. She must be everything that I’m not.
Why sleep with me when he had another date coming up?
My limbs felt heavy, hands gripping my steering wheel so hard that my muscles ached. I couldn’t focus my thoughts. I fought to keep my mind in the present, but as always I failed. I drifted, drifted, drifted. Far into the depths of my mind that were off-limits. My vision hazy, dreamlike almost, as I fought off the vivid memories that plague my mind.
Why did I have to think about this again? No, please, not again.
I smelled his breath, coffee stained and reeked of the tuna sandwich he had ingested a hour before. I felt his hands on my neck, back against the freezing floor, his hand finding it’s way up my shirt. I see his smile, so cocky. I cry and cry but no one helps me, no one comes. Maybe because no one cared. No one cared that I was being raped by my boyfriend in a bar walk-in cooler.
I still can see their stares and laughing faces. The people who called me a whore instead of believing in rape or believing the tears of a girl who needed help. Why couldn’t one person just see me? Why couldn’t one just help me?
I scream, hands going to hold my head. “Get out, get out!” How I wanted all the thoughts to stop, the memories of a time that should of never happened. I wanted them to be gone, I wanted to forget, yet I never could. I would always be brought back to that day. My mind forcing me to remember the feeling, the smells, the pain. One could never escape the mind.
I didn’t want such things to come into my mind after having sex, especially with Chris. But with my downward spiral coming to it’s peak, it seemed only fitting that these memories surface. I was just glad I ran, that he didn’t have to see me like this. Of course, this way was the way I really was, and I couldn’t bare to let someone see the truth.
Another whine was given from Koda, making me come back to reality. Somehow, I had managed to make it home. My car still running and sitting in the driveway of Gram’s home. I was unsure how long I had been parked there, but Koda was uneasy and much to my disappointment Grams was standing at the window. She watched out, a worried look on her face.
We usually kept to ourselves, other then small talks over dinner. I sometimes thought I should be trying harder, doing better at opening up to the people who cared about me, but I just couldn’t. If I let people in two things could happen; they could hate me for it or they could worry about me. Both things I wanted nothing to do with. So seeing her standing there, obviously waiting for me to come in so she could see what was happening with me, was like my worst nightmare.
So I moved fast, getting out of the car with Koda behind me. Grams was worried, Koda was worried. I hated everything about this moment. I hated myself more though, because it was my own fault that it was happening.
Had Chris noticed that I was gone? Was he worried too? Or did he not care at all?
“What’s going on? What are you going here so late?” Grams said from the top of the stairs. “I called a few times. You do realize it’s midnight.”
“I was busy.” I muttered, as a kept my head down. I didn’t need her to see my face, stained with tears and eye blood shot. This wasn’t the face of someone who was okay, which is why I had to hide it away.
“Busy? Till now?” Grams made a face, bending her head down slightly as I passed. She tried to look me in the eyes, but I wouldn’t let that happen. She wasn’t stupid though, she knew something was wrong. Anyone with half a brain could figure that out. “You were obviously not out walking dogs until this time of night, so what is happening with you.”
I planned on ignoring her, walking right into my room and going to sleep. Yet my temper rose out of no where, sprouting from my anguish like a weed. “I’m twenty four years old!” My voice louder then I had ever heard it. I didn’t yell, I didn’t scream and I always kept my cool around others. Anger was not part of my personality, and yet it was taking over me. “If I stay out until midnight then that’s my business! I’m an adult!”
I’m not a child, please, someone see me as the adult I’ve always wished I could be.
“You’re living in my house, I need to know you’re safe.” Grams spoke, obviously annoyed but she didn’t seemed surprised at all. How could it not take her off guard seeing me like this, it was even surprising me how little control I had over myself. “I will worry if you don’t…”
“Well don’t! Don’t worry about me!” I snapped again before she could finish, everything within me screaming to stop. My very inside felt ill from the words falling from my mouth. Just go inside your room, just lock yourself away. “Just forget about me! I just want everyone to forget all about me! Let me disappear!”
Their was an abyss in front of me, just a step away. It was always there, ready to take me away. Yet the people in my life kept me back. They held my by the arm, they built fences, the put up beware signs. Sometimes though, I just wanted them to stop. I wanted them to let me fade away. Let me take that last step into the darkness.
Maybe Grams didn’t know what to say, or maybe she said something and I didn’t hear. All I heard was my own door slamming and suddenly I was alone in my room, other then Koda who sat by my feet. Slowly I made my way to my bed on wobbling legs, every part of my body threatening to break down and fall to pieces. My body slammed against the mattress, thoughts once more taking over.
I wasn’t mad at Grams. I wasn’t mad at Chris. I was only mad at one person, and that was myself. No matter what others did, I always came out of it hating myself more then anything. It was my own weakness that put me in situations, my own fault. I let myself fall under the spell of someone who was better then me. I let myself take my frustrations out of my grandmother, who did nothing but give me a home when every thing fell apart. I let my depression take over my life, it was my own fault I felt like this.
I was to focused on wanting to jump into the abyss to actually live my life.
I had no plan for my life, no future. When I was young, I remember being so different. I was a ten years old with the world before me, I wanted to do so much. I wanted to go to college, be in good shape, work with animals or write. I wanted to live in different places, meet new people, fall in love and have a family of my own. I wanted to be strong, and to teach my future children how to be strong. I had it all figured out. But somewhere along the way, I lost sight of that ten year old self that was so beautiful and ready. I became something else, I had no sense of that way of living. Instead of planning my future, I assumed I wouldn’t have one.
I can’t remember when it all switched. I was a girl with a plan, who then changed to a girl who didn’t need one. Why make a plan when you were assuming you would be dead before the age of needing one.
My eyes felt heavy, a depressive state could really take a lot out of a person. My eyes caught sight of Koda, curled up on his bed in the corner of my small room. I had bought that bed when I first got him, and realize right away it was a waste of money. He never used it, he had always slept with me in my bed. He didn’t like being apart. Yet there he was, laying in the still fresh bed looking at me with brown eyes.
I had scared him. He was used to having a nice owner, sad maybe but always calm and kind. Instead he had seen someone rough, with a loud voice that terrified him. I had never been one to hurt people, I was always kind to a fault maybe. But hurting him, scaring him, I don’t think I could ever forgive myself for something like that.
“I’m sorry.” My voice sounded barely above a whisper as I spoke to Koda. Every time my eyes closed I would force them open to look at him. I made myself look at what I had done, upset the one thing that loved me and cared for me no matter what. “Maybe it would have been better if you would have been adopted by someone else.”
And of all the cruel things I had said to myself, that one hurt the most.