Chapter Sixteen: Daisy.
The world was frozen in time. It felt like a chilling ice covered every surface. It chilled me to the bone, eventually bringing me into a numbed state. I barely moved from under the covers of my bed, wrapped up in my own thoughts. Sometimes they over took me, making me want to scream out loud, while other times I didn’t have a single one. I didn’t feel a thing. I sometimes wondered if my heart was still beating, but I didn’t care enough to check.
Grams would come in to check on me, but I never spoke to her. She wanted to do something, but didn’t know what. I didn’t leave my room, I didn’t touch the food she brought me, it was like I was dead already.
Koda had recovered since hearing my screaming that night, now up on my bed and near me at all times. Grams would come in to let him outside to pee or to feed him, but much like me he hadn’t touched a thing. He just laid in bed with me, nudging me with his nose and whimpering with worry. I wonder if he thought I was already dead too.
Eventually the numbness took over, days went by and I felt like a shell. I didn’t know what to do, and I didn’t want to think about it either. At times the numbness threatened drive me insane. Shaking hands would cut deep into the skin of my thighs and arms, surely I would feel that. But I didn’t, I never did. I would watch blood pool on top of my pale skin, no pain. I wanted it to hurt, I wanted to feel something, but I was stuck between life and death.
And as hard as I tried, I couldn’t seem to come to the side of life.
I had never felt like this for long, each time I had been able to reach deep inside myself to bring myself back. After a few days I could find a piece of myself to hold onto. I would think of my Grams. I would think of Koda. I would think of my parents. My cousins. My aunts and uncles. I would think of Maria. At some point in thinking of these people, I would step back from the abyss. This time though, it did nothing. I felt isolated and alone. I felt that me not being in their lives wouldn’t make a difference. I wanted to be forgotten, to disappear, and now it had began to happen.
After calling Regan to ask her to take my place at work, I had let my phone die. If anyone had called, I didn’t know. Maybe my phone had filled to the brink with messages, or maybe no one had called at all.
What was Chris doing right now?
Not thinking of me I’m sure. I’m sure once I stopped showing up to work, he had forgotten all about me. I thought the world of Chris, in my mind he was the perfect human being. Dorky and maybe struggling to write a book but still, he was doing more with his life then I ever would.
When I thought of him, tears would start falling down my cheeks. I didn’t feel anything, I didn’t cry, but still they fell. Did I miss him? Did I love him? Yes, maybe, but I was starting to think I would never know.
“Daisy.” A voice spoke from the doorway of my room. Grams had opened the door, letting light in, and I hadn’t even noticed. “I’m going out to lunch with Nancy.” That must mean it was Friday, she saw Nancy every Friday. “Do you want to come? Or I could bring something back?”
She was still trying, so hard. “No.” I said simply, “Not hungry.”
“Okay well… I’ll only be gone a few hours. Maybe try to get out, walk around a bit? Take a shower or bath?” All good suggestions, none of which I wanted to do. I eventually saw the door close, and heard her walking down the hall.
I laid their longer, though I’m not sure how long. Time was nothing to me anymore, I had no sense of it. At some point in my numbed haze, I was stumbling on weak legs towards the bath, my wrists freshly cut and leaving spots on blood on the ground. When had I done that?
I don’t remember thinking about it, or trying to talk myself out of it. I don’t remember filling the bathtub or getting in with all my clothes still on. I don’t remember using the blade once more to cut deep lines down my arms. I don’t remember dipping deeply cut arms into the water. I don’t even remember if the water was cold or warm.
I do remember what I looked like though.
I remember how the crimson red danced through the water, like intricate swirls. They branched out like veins in the tub, moving until the clashed together. Slowly it went from clear water with dancing blood to solid red slowly taking over, staining everything it touch. It was peaceful almost, calm.
I didn’t think death could be so beautiful and terrifying at the same time.
I assumed that I wasn’t making any sound, until I caught the distant sound of my own breaths. Harsh, like I was drowning or could not catch my own breath. I think I was also screaming, and sobbing, but I could barely hear it or register it as my own voice.
Eventually a dull buzz took over my senses, head dipping to rest against the edge of the tub. A faint bark reached my ears barely, smokey vision making out Koda whimpering and barking at the doorway of the bathroom. Over and over, a whispered bark. Sometimes his mouth would move, and I would hear nothing. Eventually, he ran from the doorway, his barks fading more and more.
I felt tired, like I was falling asleep. Eyes slowly closing, only to be opened at hands grasping my shoulders. Half closed eyes met those of frantic brown, Grams didn’t have brown eyes.
I could barely make out my name, but the voice reached my ears with ease. “Chris?” No, my mind must be playing a trick on me. I didn’t know I was out of the water until I felt the cold tile against my cheek. Cold? Why is it that cold seemed to be the only thing I could feel?
“No Daisy, it’s Maria. It’s Maria I’m here.” Her voice not clear, but obvious that it was her. The mind could be a cruel thing indeed. Her arms moved to flip me on my back, something being wrapped tightly around my arms. “You giant idiot, you big asshole! You better hold on the ambulance is coming!”
A dream, this was a dream. My mind wanted to give me one last look, the feeling of someone loving me. The touch of someone caring for me. I had forgotten what that felt like, maybe now I could carry that love with me forever.
And I assumed that this time, when my eyes closed, it would indeed be forever.