Chapter Twenty Three: Chris.
She was the moon, and the stars were gathered around her.
I had never thought that Daisy could look more beautiful until I saw her basked in the light of the moon and the lights I had put up. Maybe it was those lights, or maybe it was my own happiness that made her seem all the more beautiful. Daisy had almost died but she is still here, and that was beautiful. She survived.
There is nothing romantic about suicide. It’s bloody wrists, swollen eyes. It’s sorrow, unforgiving thoughts. There is no way to sugar coat it, nor is their any way to make it seem any less horrifying. But, if you love a person enough you can look past all that to see them for who they are. Daisy was smart, beautiful, caring, and loving. And she was alive, thank god she was alive.
You were born into this world with only one thing to do, survive. You take your first breath, you learn to walk, you obtain knowledge, you grow and grow. To most, it’s easy. Living should be easy, it’s what we were born to do. But, for some people that wasn’t the case. For some people living was a near impossible request. How do you wake up when you can barely feel the sun on your skin? How do you run when your legs feel like they are stuck in mud? How do you breath when your lungs feel like they are full of water? These were things I had never had to face and never felt before.
All I knew is that the world was not only suffering. When all you feeling is sorrow you miss the beautiful things, the bright things. For Daisy, that’s all I wanted. I wanted her to know what it felt like to really live, and to really want to live. I had no idea if I could give that to her, but I wanted to try. So I brought the sky to her.
Daisy felt stuck, that’s what it seemed like to me. I tried to make sense of it, what she must be feeling. To a certain extent, I understood what I felt like to want to do so much more… But to feel like you aren’t in control of your own life, that was something I would never truly know the feeling of. That was her cross to bare. I would do what I could to make it easier, but in the end it was up to her. The more I thought, the more I wondered about what someone who felt grounded and stuck would want. They would want to feel free, they would want to feel liberated. They would want to fly.
And as she walked through the thousands of stars, Daisy looked like she was flying.
The closer she got, the more I could start to read the emotions of her face. Some were obvious, such as the surprise from this whole affair, but some more masked. Not as well masked as before, I could see the fear in her. I hated the thought that she was scared of me, but I couldn’t judge. If I had been through what she had just done, I would be afraid too.
She stopped a few feet away from me, Koda at her feet. He was occupied with Thor who had ran right over to see his fellow dog friend. I had a million things I wanted to say, but suddenly no idea how to say them. How many times had I practiced in the mirror?
I had not expected her to speak before me, but as always she was full of surprises. She held one of her hands tightly in the other, like she was just trying to grasp onto something for support. Though every so often I would she her hands twitch, which made me believe that she was fighting to keep her hands from shaking. “You have nothing to be sorry for Da—“
“Yes, I do.” She said before I could finish, stopping for a moment to collect her thoughts. “I’ve been saying I’m sorry to a lot of people the past few weeks. I don’t think I can ever say it enough to the people around me… What I did, how I made them suffer… It was selfish, I am selfish.”
Everyone wanted to blame themselves. The people who loved her wanted to say it was their fault for not stopping it, Daisy wanted to blame herself for doing it at all. It was a mess of people just trying to make sense of a situation that would never have an answer. What drove a person to kill themselves? Grief? Loneliness? Panic? Self Hate? Maybe it was all of them, maybe it was none. The only thing I was certain of is that it brought pain to everyone. I guess we all got a taste of what Daisy struggled with everyday.
“A lot of words have been thrown around…” Her voice was quite, I had to really pay attention to hear her. “Words about me. Lucky. Strong. Depressed. Angry. Lonely. A lot of words people try to use to describe what I did. But in the end… It comes down to one…”
“Sick. I’m sick.”
I wanted to say something, but I knew it wasn’t time yet. Daisy had to say what she needed to, she had to get it out. “My mind is sick, but sometimes I think all of me is. My sick mind bringing the rest of me down with it. It’s not excuse though, for what I did to you.”
“I don’t know what you think you did but…”
“I pushed you away, I ran away.”
It was quite for a moment, both of us gathering our thoughts. Daisy had run, that was true, but I had thought it was because of me. “I ran because I was afraid… Afraid of what could happen, afraid of you. I pushed and pushed instead of accepting that someone was trying to be part of my life this whole time. Someone who sends me flowers with no name on them, someone who fights with the doctors until they let my dog visit me…” So Maria did tell. She was dependable, but not with secrets. “I had someone good next to me the whole time and I was to fixated on my past to even consider that things could be different. My mind just… Wouldn’t let me think that someone could love me.”
She really hadn’t seen it, none of it. The way I looked at her, the way I was trying so hard. Daisy really assumed that no one would ever feel this way about her. That made me sad, really sad. Someone as amazing as her should know it. “I wanted to get to know you Daisy.” And that was the truth. “No, want to still. I want to get to know you. I don’t blame you for pushing me away, not now with all that’s happened. I don’t understand totally, I don’t know what happened to you but… I would never hurt you.”
Daisy looked down at the ground, arms now wrapped around her like a suit of armor. She wanted them to keep her safe, or maybe even keep herself together in one piece. She was quite for some time, no words seeming to push through. “Who hurt you Daisy?”
The question was asked before I could stop myself. The moment it came out I felt myself wince against my own words, it wasn’t the right thing to ask nor the right time. It was possible she was carrying something inside her that she had told no one. Even her best friend didn’t know why she was so scared of commitment or affection, so why would she want to tell me?
“My ex boyfriend raped me.”
I froze as the words left her mouth, the very thought burning me from the inside out. “We worked at a bar together, he was my manager.” She couldn’t look at me as she told her story. “I wasn’t ready for sex and one day after work while we were cleaning up… He decided that he didn’t care… When I tried to tell someone higher up about it, no one believed me. I was mocked, ridiculed. My boyfriend said I was crazy, making things up. So, I got fired and he walks around a free man without a care in the world. While I walk around as a shell of what I once was. A person who can’t forget that night of being raped on the floor at my own place of work by someone who I thought loved me. After I lost my job, I lost my apartment. I lost everything all at once. Maybe that’s when I officially lost my mind too.”
It made sense to me, why she had been so scared. The last time she let someone in, they ruined her life completely. I felt nothing but anger stir inside me. Someone did this to her, made her feel this way about herself and about relationships. Someone made her feel disgusting when really she was beautiful. “I should of never compared you to him… I should of never… I don’t know. I should of never compared you to my past.”
I didn’t blame her, it’s not like she could help it. “If I blame anyone, it’s him.” That creep who didn’t respect her, who didn’t care about anyone but himself. I wanted to step towards her, take her into my arms, but I held back. I didn’t want to scare her off, I would let her come to me this time. I would let her move at her own pace. “It never dulled my affection for you Daisy, I didn’t give up on you.”
“Why?” I could see the tears in her eyes now, hear them in her voice. The lights made them and her eyes look like they sparkled. “You should of given up on me.”
“Because when you really love someone, you don’t give up. Not for anything.”
At first, I was afraid I went to far. Maybe my words would scare her and she would run off. After all we had been through, the separation after we slept together, I didn’t want to say anything wrong. If I did and she ran, it could be the last time I ever got the chance with her.
“My favorite color is yellow.”
“My favorite animal is impossible to pick. Dog, wolf, red panda, dolphin, jelly fish… It changes with the day sometimes.”
It took me a moment of listening to her spout off random facts about herself to realize what she was doing. I had said that I wanted to know about her, that I wanted to hear it all. So, she was telling me it.
“That one time I had to get the spider out of your office I acted tough when really I was scared shitless.” Yet I do remember her smiling and not showing even a little bit of fear.
“I love to write, it’s one of the few times I feel alive. I eat an orange every morning because when I was young my Grams told me it’s like taking a bite of the sun and you can’t help but have a good day if you do it. When I was five I put a worm in Maria’s sandwich and she ate it all and she still doesn’t know it happened.” On and on it went, and somewhere along the line we had drifted closer. “My dad’s name is Allen, my mom is Karen. In high school I was voted most likely to get in trouble for having to many animals in my house.”
My hand reached out, but stopped halfway waiting for hers to find mine. “I love green beans and hate sweet potatoes.”
Her hand found mine, I’m not sure if she even knew she was moving closer. I wrap her hand in mine carefully. “I fell off a pony ride as a child.” Her face seemed like it was getting closer to mine by the second.
“I love the way rain sounds but hate the thunder.”
“I really really hate birds.”
“I really like everything about you.”
I could feel her breath on my lips, only inches apart now. “I really want to help you live.”
“I really want to know what it’s like to live.”
And then we kissed, and it felt like I was flying now too.