Chapter Twenty Four: Daisy.
Some days are easier then others. At times I’m ready to take on the world while others I wake up feeling lower then ever before. My therapist said that’s going to happen, that it’s apparently normal. Even though nothing about it feels normal, I guess she knows what she’s talking about. It took me a long time to accept that she was knowledge and not a crack pot who was just in it for the money but had no idea what she was saying.
Melissa, my therapist, she that things will get easier for me when I learn to let people in and start asking for help. She really did make it sound like it was the easier thing in the world, when it reality nothing seemed harder to me then doing that. Suffering was easy, it had become part of my life, but asking for help felt near impossible.
Maybe it was that I was asking for help more and didn’t notice it, or maybe my loved one’s were more aware and could read me easier. I don’t know what happened, but I found myself being helped a lot. I hated it at first, sometimes I wanted to go into my room and rot away, but in time being around people became the norm. Then with more time, the norm became bearable and eventually exactly what I wanted.
Grams was attentive, something that I felt bad about. She was retired, just wanted to live her life painting pictures of birds. Maria was there too, of course. When she wasn’t at work she was visiting me and making sure I was eating. Everyone went above and beyond to be there for me, when I asked and even when I didn’t. But, I had to admit, no one came through more then Chris.
“He drives me here everyday.” I said to Melissa during one of our sessions. “He just sits out in the parking lot doing something. Maybe he writes, maybe he edits, maybe he just stares out the window… I have no idea. I just feel badly about it.”
“Chris wanted to do this for you Daisy.” Melissa said, sitting in the chair across from mine. Her hair pulled back in a perfect bun and glasses sitting on the bridge of her nose. She always looked so put together, while I can’t even remember if I brushed my hair before coming this morning. “Did you ever ask him to bring you to every session.”
“Do you like having him around?”
She nodded, leaning in a bit more. “Then answer me this Daisy, when he’s around do you feel alone?”
So many of our sessions had been about my loneliness, about how sometimes I could be in a group of people and still feel like I was all alone. So when I got in the car with Chris, how did I feel? I guess I didn’t think about hat much.
The night that I met with him in what felt like a dog park in the sky, I wondered if my life would change for the better. I always knew that the love of someone else didn’t heal a mental illness, that’s why finding someone was never on my list nor did I care about it. But even though I wasn’t looking, I did find someone. Someone was here, they wanted to be here. They wanted to make me smile, take me to therapy sessions, make sure I was taking my medication. He wanted to take care of me. “No.” I finally said, answering her question.
She smiled, leaning back against her chair. Melissa seemed very pleased with my answer. “Then I guess what he’s doing is working. I bet he would be happy to hear that.”
But for some reason, I wasn’t happy to come to this conclusion.
When I walked out of the building, there he was sitting in his blue car with a smile on his face and a wave. I waved back slightly, wondering what my face looked like. Did I look enlightened? Or did I just look as down and tired as I felt.
“Hey,” he said as I opened the passenger side and slid in. “Was the session okay today? Was it enlightening or a snores fest?”
My words, not his. When he first started driving me, I would usually tell him that it was a snores fest. Though I had promised to try in the hospital and they had seen some improvement, I was still unsure about it all. It was my negative side speaking, but he would still smile and tell me that maybe next time would be enlightening. After all, I was going and that was a good step and worth celebrating.
Recently it felt like everything was worth celebrating to everyone. I was waiting for the day that I turned around after making a piece of toast and everyone would be there clapping and telling me good job. I felt like a child, or a dog even. When you try to kill yourself you never think about what would happen if you live. You never realize that you’re going to be in spotlight at all times, the one place you hate being the most. No one ever tells you how tiring it is. Plus, I was in constant contact with my parents. Though nice, it was extremely tiring as well. Sometimes it sounded like they were waiting for me to break just so they could usher me back to Washington. I guess I didn’t blame them, I was their child after all.
“Somewhere in the middle.” I answered him, my seatbelt tight across my chest.
“Alright, I’ll take it.” He turned the key to his car and took off forward, down the street towards my place.
I didn’t speak much on the ride home, if their was any talking it was mostly done by him. I hid in myself every once and a while recently, but for the most part I was pretty close to who I was before all this with Chris. I guess today wasn’t one of those days, my mind was to full to form sentences.
I was thinking about him of course, everything he had been doing for me. How he tried so hard to take care of me, make sure I was comfortable. How he would kiss me on the cheek and tell me he loved me, or how his lips even felt on mine. How he didn’t rush anything, and wasn’t hurt when he asked me to move in and I said no. I wasn’t ready, I wasn’t myself totally still. When I was with Chris, I wanted to be okay. I didn’t want to rush into something with him and then end up ruining his life.
“Are you okay?” He said, and only then did I notice that he was parked outside Grams house.
“I’m gonna need you more then you need me.”
Though I had been thinking it I didn’t know I was actually going to say it out loud. “That’s not true Daisy.”
“Even when I get a lot better, I will never be totally better.” I said, looking out the windshield. “I’m always going to have days where I lose myself, days where I’m not okay. As much as I want to be independent, I’m always going to need you on days like that… And because I’m like this, I’m gonna need you more then you ever need me.” After all, what can I do to help him? “I’ll be your burden until the day you’re finally sick of having to take care of me.”
“I’m sorry Daisy, but that’s a load of bullshit.” My head turned to look at him, eyes wide as he kept speaking. “Maybe I don’t need you in the way you need me right now, but I still need you. You lift my spirits and inspire me in ways that you will never understand. Right now, you need me. But someday your gonna be there for me as I am for you now. That’s how these relationship things work. Well, that’s how the good one’s work at least.”
I was quite, I didn’t know what to say. Chris had proved to me once again that I didn’t know what I was talking about. I had also doubted him again, something that I had no idea how he bounced back from it so easier. “And if you think it’s me that’s getting your through this then you’re not paying attention. This is all you Daisy, you’re the one that’s keeping yourself alive. You may think that you’re getting better because of me or Maria or your family but it’s all you. You are doing this, and we are here to help and be happy to watch you grow.”
Chris’ hand reached out, laying it against my cheek to turn my head gently so I could look at him. “You’re amazing, you’re beautiful, and I will tell you that everyday until you understand it. It’s pleasure really.” He always knew what to say, what to do. He leaned in, pressing a kiss to my nose as my eyes drifted closed for a moment.
“Today was bad, and maybe you’re afraid tomorrow will be worse.” He leaned his forehead against mine, his eyes closing as well. “But you never know until you get to that new day, it maybe the best one yet. Good or bad though, I can’t wait to see how you take it on and shine through it.”
I loved this man, more then he will ever know.
Another smiled was given, a kiss to my forehead before he leaned back. “Now how about your get inside. Take a nice shower, and get some writing done.”
I had been writing a lot, that was something good that came out of this. The book that I had been writing before was pretty much scraped and I started from the beginning. I knew that the new emotions I was feeling would do well on paper, if I could just word it correctly. If I could just show people what was in my heart.
Chris wanted me to finish because he knew it was helping me, and because he knew that my dreams of writing would never leave. He had been there, he had those dreams too. I never thought I could be like him though, bringing my dreams to life. But he said I could, he said he would help. He said that if I worked hard and put my soul into it, then he would help make my dreams come true. I didn’t deserve a man like Chris, but I was so happy and grateful to have him.
I nodded, looking down at his hand that was in my own. I brought it up to my lips, giving him a small kiss to his palm. I was struggling with showing him how I felt, I knew that. I just hoped that some of my feelings got through to him.
As I walked to my door, I heard the window to his car roll down. Before I could react or even turn to see if he needed something, he was already yelling to me from inside his car.
“I love you Daisy Dawson!”
I turned quickly, making eye contact with the smiling man in his car. He was radiant, happy… All of which I saw the most when he looked at me.
“And I love you Chris Peters.”
My voice wasn’t as loud as his, but that didn’t seem to matter. It still reached him, he still smiled so bright I thought I would melt right there. He was happy to have my love, and I was happy to have his. I never thought I was someone who could say that she was a lucky girl but…
I was. I was so so lucky.