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How & Why: Over the Years

By Shainne Hostalero All Rights Reserved ©

Romance / Drama

Today

It can be considered a 'long time' since I left him or he left me or we left each other for good. During these times, I have come out strong after the storm of the love that, I, and we know, for a fact, that wasn't really mine after all. I have then accepted that.

That I fell in love with him is not a myth. I did everything then to keep him, to make him comfortable and make him love me the way I should be loved, the way I should deserve that love that he was freely giving to her or to anyone other else for that matter.

Sometimes I think if I will ever regret not having him around anymore; not caring about him, not giving him that kind of attention I used to give him. Sometimes I think if I will ever regret ruining the relationship like he was accusing me. Well, perhaps, it was me who ruined it, because I fell out of sight of the patronage I used to have for him, because I felt like there's no sense going further if I'm the only one who's eager to go beyond of everything we currently have. Or do we really have it? I wasn't sure. I wasn't secure.

Today, after I've lost my chosen battle, I sat down and think of the things I'm grateful for and I can't help but think about him and what we had. Would I even be grateful as I am right now if I continued the battle I know I will never going to win?

I've accepted the fact that it's not my battle with him, it was my battle with ME; he has its own, I have mine and I have come to the realization that he never did love me that much as he loved his former, and he will never love me that much as he will love his future. I was in between and I figured out that I don't want to be in the middle of a go and a stop; of a yes and a no.

Today, as I go on with my life and splurge on the freedom I have as of the moment, I wonder if I have ever forgiven him for all those things; and if I have ever forgiven myself for all the same things.

Today, as I go on with my life and explore different places and people along the way, I will share all I have gone through with happiness, about finding and achieving it - how I bonded with art, artists, sports and all fleeting emotions.

As I unveil 'how and why' over the years. I have yet to share all the lessons that came through pain, lost, sadness, happiness, goofyness, and all that inspired me inside and outside of love.

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