I’m scared to get close and I hate being alone. I long for that feeling to not feel at all . The higher I get, the lower I sink. I can’t drown my demons, they know how to swim
A full week of school had already passed and I was still blending in the background successfully like I’ve been doing for the past three years. Throughout my whole life I’ve been able to avoid contact with other human beings and still maintain good grades and not be in no drama whatsoever.
Living with Monophobia and Hephephobia isn’t all that bad....ok who I’m fooling.
It’s the worst thing ever.
My parents thinks it’s a phase but I don’t believe that phases last for almost two decades.
Every since I was little I didn’t like to be left alone but It wasn’t until that afternoon in junior high that I truly felt petrified to be left alone and that’s when I also became terrified of people touching me.
Since that day I flinched at every gesture that was made towards me, whether it be a hug or a simple wave. If someone does touch me then my lungs fill as if they are on fire.
I don’t want to be alone and I sure as hell don’t want to be touched.
In my dreams I seem to have almost every night, I’m being touched. I see myself on a beach with my hair blowing in the wind and I’m tasting the salty air. I turn to my right to see a taller figure beside me, It’s a male but who I don’t know. He grabs my waist and I place my hands on his chest. No fiery explosion in my chest or any sudden panic attacks.....In fact I was calm.
As our faces inch closer, I’m always interrupted by reality.
This morning it was my annoying little brother who thought it was funny to come in my room and throw his pet frog Warts on my bedspread.
Between Warts and My brother...I think I like Warts better
I instantly jumped up and screamed running past my brother and down the flight of stairs.
My parents were sitting at the table drinking their morning coffee, something they seemed to do only on Saturday mornings.
“Morning sweetie”. My dad called out while looking over his Saturday comics.
I simply waved at him before sitting across from him at the table
I could see my mom roll her eyes as she sat her coffee mug down on the table.
“Cherlyn how long are you going to continue putting us through this pain. I want to be able to hug my daughter again”.
Her eyes were sincere but I was sick of getting asked the same question, by this time I figured she was sick of getting the same response.
“Mom you wouldn’t understand”.
I saw her left eyebrow rise, something she always did when she was shocked.
I guess she was expecting me to say what I usually say: “Mom, I don’t touch you, you don’t touch me and we’re all good. I still love you though”
She was going to say something else but my little brother came rushing down the stairs with Warts in his hands.
“How did you like your little morning greeting Cherri”. He brought Warts over my head and I tilted away from him till I fell out of the seat.
“Josh, your a jerk and I’m sure you know it”.
He grinned a toothy grin before turning on his heels with Warts in his hands.
I decided to finally get off the floor and start my day
I thumped my dads newspaper and he smiled towards me.
I knew it pained them that I won’t make physical contact with them but I try my best to contact emotionally with them, They are still my parents but I just can’t.....
I made my way back upstairs to my room and locked the door behind me. I made my way towards my window and lifted it up. Wind pushed through moving my curtains and lifting my blond waves crazily. I sat on my window sill staring straight forward into the window that belonged to the one and only Jace Hindrix.
We’ve been neighbors for almost our whole life and never interacted with each other. Maybe it was because on summer nights when him and the kids came out to play, I stayed in my room and played with my Barbie dolls, afraid to make contact with anyone or embarrass myself in front of Jace.
Today he was sitting on his bed, shirtless with his earbuds tucked in his ears. I’m not a stalker but I can’t deny I haven’t enjoyed seeing him walking around shirtless or working out late at night. Sometimes he would just blast his music up so that the whole neighborhood would hear and other nights he would bring up some random girl to his room and the sounds of them “enjoying themselves” could be heard all the way in my room whether my window be up or down.
Iv’e spent my whole life watching Jace from my window and I know for sure that he doesn’t even know my name.
I leaned my hand against my window pane, trying to grasp it but missed miserably. I leaned forward and yelled. Half of my body hanged out my window while the other half kicked inside of my room trying to wiggle myself back inside. I looked up to see myself looking into a pair of soft brown eyes. He tugged his earbuds out of his ear and walked towards his window, lifting it up.
“Hey uhm are you okay”. He leaned casually out of his window with a smirk spread against his lips. I could see him fight back a laugh....I bet it was a cute laugh though.
I could feel my cheeks heat up as I blew a piece of my hair out of my face.
“I’m good...yep, just chilling around”. I smiled at him before trying to wiggle myself back into my window.
“How did you even end up like that anyway”? He raised one of his eyebrows and I almost fainted at the tiny gesture.
“Uhmmm, I was just...ermmm OHHH”. I snapped my fingers then placed them on the sill tucked below me then pushed myself back till my feet was back on the floor in my room.
I stood up completely and instantly my face was flushed with color as Jace stood there leaned against his window
“You still didn’t answer my question”. He leaned up and stood straight in his room as well.
“I was just enjoying this nice Cali breeze Jace”. I tucked a strand of hair behind my ear before closing my window along with my curtains.
Jace Hindrix wanted to notice me the day half of my body was hanging out of my window
“Fucking Fantastic”. I mumbled before dragging myself towards my bathroom and inclosing myself in there to wallow in shame.....pure freaking shame.