Can’t lose what you never had, can’t keep whats not yours, and can’t hold on to something that does not want to stay.
I survived that whole night and managed to not snap Alexus’s head off. I volunteered to sleep on the couch to avoid sleeping in his arms again, a feeling that felt so right even though it was so wrong. Alexus left at some point that afternoon but I didn’t care or notice. I stayed in the kitchen the whole time her and Jace were cracking jokes in his livingroom.
As soon as the sun hit my face, I left the Hindrix home, not wanting his parents to walk in and catch me slobbing on their couch.
Since today was saturday, I planned to do what I usually do which is sit in my room and drown myself with cookie dough ice cream and Fruity Pebbles.
I unlocked the door to my house and was meet with my little brother Josh and his pet frog.
“You know that they didn’t even try to look for you after I beg for them too.”
I closed the door behind me as I stared dumbfoundly at my younger brother.
“I cried and hoped that maybe mom didn’t push you over the edge and that you just needed some air.”
I closed my mouth.
“It’s not okay and you can’t say your sorry because you didn’t do anything but ignore us and I’m tired of it Cherri, can’t you see how it’s hurting mom and dad....can’t you see how it’s hurting me.....you don’t take anyone else’s feelings into consideration, only your own” He shook his head before turning on his heels and going into the kitchen with Warts in his hands.
I could feel the tears prick my eyes and I quickly shut them before they coud spill over and hit the floor.
I ran up the stairs and into my room, making sure to close and lock my door behind me.
I snatched my window open and was disappointed to see that he wasn’t there or wondering where I was.
Alexus had probably came over and he must have forgotten that Cherri Johnson had ever walked the earth, something almost everyone who ever knew me did.
My thoughts were interrupeted as a sparly pen hit my foot. I picked up the sparkly item and realized it was covered with Disney Princesses. I looked up to see an agitated Jace with his arms crossed over his chest.
I sat down on my window sill and swung my legs over the edge. I could feel his eyes on my every move and it brought heat to my puffy cheeks.
“That was one hell of a move you pulled this morning Cherlyn.”
I physically cringed at the way my birth name sound coming from his mouth. The only person who called me Cherlyn was my mom and I wanted it to stay that way.
“That’s not what your obligated to call me Mr. Hindrix and you know it”.
Instead of a smirk covering his face like it always do, a scowl sat uncomfortably in its place and it really bothered me.
“Jace, I’m sorry for leaving this morning, I just didn’t want your parents to find me suffocating their couch.”
I saw him roll his eyes and I won’t lie and say I wasn’t taken aback from this.
Jace never acted this way towards me and I don’t like.
“Its just not that, it’s the way you acted Friday with Alexus too.”
I was mid eyeroll when Jace scoffed.
“Your going to look real dumb Cherri when you finally open your eyes and see that she is harmless.
I blinked my eyes a few times which only aggravated him more.
“Jace your the stupid looking one, I’m not dumb. I know that you and Alexus have something going on and harmless is the last thing that pops into my mind when I think of Alexus Payne”.
His hands shot up to his hair and he eagerly pulled at the chestnut colored strands.
“God, for us to be friends you surely don’t have no trust in me.”
My mouth twitched at the way he spat the word friends and it truly sickened me.
" You barely even know me Jace, I’ve been living next door from you ever since you learn to piss straight and your just now realizing that I exist so please tell me how the fuck we’re friends.”
Hurt flashed across his face but he quickly masked it over with anger.
“Fuck it, I’m done trying to help your pathetic ass.”
I could feel the tip of my ears burn as the word pathetic echoed in them.
“Oh, you mean the help I never asked your sorry ass for. Go fuck yourself Jace Hindrix.”
“Gladly” he yelled before slamming his window shut. I could see the shutters on the outside of his window shake from the forceful action.
Finally a tear escaped from my eyes and this time I didn’t fight it.
Everyone who I could confide in was mad at me. I had no friends and the only person who was close enough to become one thought I was pathetic...which I was.
I swung my legs back into my room and dramatically dropped down from my window sill.
I dragged myself to my bathroom and locked myself in.
I stared at my tear stain face in the mirror and was repulsed by my reflection.
I eyed the razors that layed on the back of my toilet. My legs were freshly shaven but shaving wasn’t what I had in mind. I picked up the cold metal and turned it around in my hands, watching as the light caught it.
“It had been 2 years, 2 years Cherri, don’t do it.” I whispered, my throat becoming dry.
I ignored myself and placed the cold metal on my wrist and quickly sliced my fragile skin.
Blood quickly seeped through the thin line where I broke my skin and I sobbed.
I threw the razor away from me and it scattered on the floor. I became disgusted with myself as I turned the faucet on and let the cool water wash away the blood.
It didn’t really hurt, I think my heart hurts more than my wrist, they only stung a bit.
I searched my cabinet until I saw a butterfly bandaid in the corner. I placed it over the thin cut and walked out of my bathroom disappointed with myself .
If Jace thought I was pathetic now then it’s probably best that whatever friendship we had is well on its way down the drain.