Chapter Fifteen. I want you, only you.
Song for this chapter: Willamette Stone-Heart Like Yours.( If I stay!! one of my my most favorite movies)
I had no clue what me and Grayson were. We were never out on a date so it’s not like we’re dating but at the same time I don’t think we’re ‘just friends’. What friends kiss each other?
I needed answers.
Did I want to be with Grayson? Of course I did, anyone would be dumb not to want to. He made me see all the light when I was surrounded by darkness, just a touch of his gentle hands made my cold heart warm again. I didn’t just want him or crave for his contagious laugh and bright smile.
I needed him.
All these thoughts and questions were running through my head last night which resulted in me only getting about three hours of broken sleep. I knew I would regret that. After me and Grayson’s embrace just yesterday evening, he dropped me home as we listened to ‘teenage dirtbag’ on the radio.
That’s all that happened, we kissed.
He didn’t ask me out like I hoped for, he drove off. Which is partially my fault since I didn’t really invite him inside because I knew Gabriela would be home and possibly my-Elizabeth.
I couldn’t show him that not only was I a little fucked up, but so was my ‘family’. I just wanted him to think there was something good about my life. At a point in my life, my life wasn’t good, it was perfect.
But everything changed once my Dad passed, life would never be the same for me and I had to pick up the broken pieces and try to make it all seem okay but the cracks would always be seen.
I had just got back inside from dropping off Gabriela and was sitting down on my fabric couch that was actually really comfy, dated but comfortable. It’s weird how one day it could be such a horrible day, rain, thunderstorms, lightning, the whole thing but the next it would be the hottest day you’ve ever felt. The sun blasting through the pastel blue sky making the pavement burn to the touch.
The weather always reminded me that there will be days when you feel like nothing will ever get better, that the darkness of the world is pulling you in to where you feel nothing will ever be the same, you will never smile-really, or laugh again. But then the next day will be completely different, it will be filled with genuine laughs and smiles and you’ll be the happiest you’ve ever been.
I didn’t know why I didn’t start walking by now, Jackson just left meaning I should be leaving any second. I guess I was clinging on to the hope that Grayson would pick me up like he had done just yesterday. It wasn’t like I was too lazy to walk to school, I really didn’t mind. It was beautiful out and I could do with a natural tan. But I just wanted to see Grayson, I had so many questions to ask him. The main one was and would always be, What are we?
I thought I heard wrong when I heard a beep outside my house. It’s probably for the neighbors or something. But then not a few seconds later there was a knock on my door. I didn’t glance out my window to see who it was, instead I just opened the door.
When I opened the door, the heat off the sun hit my bare arms and legs. I had to squint my eyes from nearly getting blinded y the bright rays. I didn’t even need to look to know who it was, just his heavenly scent would tell me a mile away.
It was Grayson.
He was giving me 2009 Zac Efron vibes from 17 again, he had on a plain white t-shirt, denim jeans and black ray bans situated on his perfectly sculpted face. Any other guy would look like Donald Trump compared to him. Looking up at his face he had on a cocky smirk. I didn’t even try hide the fact that I was checking him out.
″Like what you see, Lib?″ He asked rhetorically with a smirk making its way onto his face. He already knew my answer and so I nodded.
″You caught me″ I gasped dramatically, placing my right hand on my heart.
″Who wouldn’t love this sexy bod″ He added, using his hands to showcase off his Calvin Klein model like body. If only I could see what was underneath.
I hadn’t really seen the sarcastic,cocky side of Grayson much, but I liked it. I didn’t like seeing him secluded from everyone. I liked- no loved seeing the happy,bright side of Grayson that I first met not so long ago.
″Come on, don’t want want to be late″ He motioned towards his car that stood out in my run down neighborhood with cheap third hand cars parked outside the early 50′s built houses. He was twirling his car keys on his finger as I gave him a swift nod and swung my backpack over my shoulder before following suit behind Grayson into his car.
I had learned from our multiple car rides together and watching him in his Mercedes how to work his radio without breaking it and so I turned it on. The first song that turned on was Katy Perry’s ‘chained to the rhythm’.I hate that song.
I switched to the next station, now this is what i’m talking about. Blink 182′s ′small things’ turned on, I had to turn it up louder. I had a thing for 90′s, early 00′s music, mostly 90′s but for ‘small things’ I could make an exception since it was only one year into the 00′s.
Grayson raised his brow up at me as he stopped at a red light, ″You like blink 182?″ He asked, a smirk clear on his face. I had to give it to him, I can’t believe he actually knew who they were.
″I’m just shocked you know who they are, Gray″ I smirked back as I sang along to the song, well it was kinda hard for me to sing so I shouted instead. Rather be heard than to be quiet.
″Say it ain’t so, I will not go, turn the lights off, carry me home!″I shouted along to the song, using my hands to pretend I was playing the electric guitar. Grayson looked rather amused, I laughed thinking back to the music video.
″You know in the music video they’re totally making fun of-″ I didn’t get to finish what I was going to say since Grayson chimed leaving me wordless.
″Backstreet boys, right?″.
I looked at him with wide eyes, ″What?″ he added sounding confused, his eyebrows furrowed together, he looked cute.
″So you’re telling me, you know blink 182 and backstreet boys??″ I whispered out in dis-belief, rather to myself than him.
″Yes...″ He replied hesitantly giving me a weird look before driving off again. How is it possible for one guy to just keep getting better and better. Not only was his face sculpted by angels and he smelt like I expect Cole Sprouse to but he also has great music taste. He was funny, loving,caring and gentle.
I want him, I crave him but most of all, I need him.
″You really think that, Lib″ Grayson questioned breathlessly leaving me slightly confused and then it hit me, I said all of that out loud. Anyone know where I can catch Marty McFly? I need him right now.
My eyes widened, my face turning the darkest shade of red, I would camouflage in fire. Someone save me from this situation, anyone please.
I can’t believe I just said that out loud, well there goes my plans of telling him I like him discreetly. Was I actually going to tell him though? or was I just going to ask him what we were? Well anyways it seems as if all that has gone down the drain since even my thoughts betrayed me.
″Uh-I-You-I mean-″ I was at a loss of words, my brain wouldn’t function properly. I had no clue what to tell him. Would I tell him everything I felt? what if he doesn’t feel the same way. I don’t think I’m ready for the let down.
Do I even deserve someone as loving as him? Everything I touch breaks. He’s too good to break, he needs to remain whole. He would be whole without me.
″I’m sorry″ Is all I could manage to say or whisper. I was sorry for putting that pressure on him of him having to ‘like’ me back because my thoughts wouldn’t remain where they should be.
Inside of my head.
And I’m also sorry to myself for giving myself false hope that maybe just maybe he felt the same way.
″Why are you apologising?″ He asked me almost in a whisper. There was something in his voice I couldn’t quite figure out.
″Because someone like you, doesn’t want or would ever like someone like me. I don’t deserve you, I never would. You confuse me half of the time and when I first met you I didn’t want anything got to do with you but you’re the best person I know and it kills me that what I feel for you will never be the same way you feel towards me, so if you’re going to just reject me right here and now, please just save it″.
I can’t believe I just said that, I was left taking in deep breaths. I couldn’t look at Grayson, I know if I did my heart would break. I nearly smashed my forehead against the window as Grayson swerved off the road, pulling to a stop.
″Jesus Grayson, I expected you to reject me not to try kill me!″ I panted out,looking at him frantically. He nearly gave me a damn heart attack, I had to hold on to my seat belt for dear life.
″Sorry″ he whispered quickly, ″Did you really mean what you said?″He asked me once again making me sigh.
Does he think I’m lying or something? Because I can tell you something, I might joke about certain things your average person wouldn’t joke about like falling down the stairs or something, but I am not a liar, and I certainly wouldn’t joke about something like this especially when it’s about my feelings.
″What? Do you think I just said all of that for the fun of it?″ I scoffed, folding my arms on my chest, rolling my eyes.
He shook his head, ″No Lib, of course not!″ He rushed out frantically, running his hands through his quaffed hair, making it look like he had just woke up. ″I just didn’t think you felt that way, I-″, I couldn’t bear to hear what he was going to say next.
″Well now you do″ I snapped, ″You can reject me now″.
I heard him sigh from beside me before he put his gentle hand on my chin to force me to look at him, ″Lib, let me finish″ He said, a soft smile on his face. A smile he has used a few times to reassure me.
″When I first met you, you weren’t like all the other girls. You didn’t ask for my number or a hookup. You were you, stubborn, smart and stood your ground. You’re unlike anyone I have met before, and every time I’m with you, I am just hypnotised by your beautiful self. You’re so goddamn beautiful and you don’t even know it″. His words were staining me, I couldn’t fight the smile making its way onto my face.
″You claim to be a bad person, but I know the real you. I know the Libby that smiles at the smallest things like a funny looking cactus and has the most contagious, horrible laugh I’ve heard. You might not know it but your little sister thinks so highly of you, you’re all she talks about when she’s in my house. She claims you’re her hero and that’s how I know you Libby Johnson are doing something right and you’re better than a good person, you’re an incredible, beautiful girl that lights up all of my rainy days. I want you, only you″ He breathed out just above a whisper. Each word I could tell was genuine since his eyes never left mine once.
It was in that moment that I knew I was falling for Grayson Smith.