Chapter Twenty Three. The Heart Is A Hungry Wolf.
Song for this chapter: Vancouver Sleep Clinic-Someone to stay.
I can’t believe I just said that. What in the world was I possibly thinking? This is going to turn around and bite me on the ass, and Elizabeth will be the one biting. I don’t know why I even said that. But, I had to think about Gabriela first, not myself.
This is probably the only time I will ever agree with Elizabeth, she was right when she said Gabriela needed a Mother in her life. I couldn’t take that away from her, I would do everything it would take to be that Mother she needed but I knew deep down I couldn’t be everything she needed. I was her sister, not her Mother.
″Rule number one″ I started, putting up my index finger, ″I want seventy five percent of all the money your making. Not just for myself, but for Jackson and Gabriela also. We need that money for food, the bill debt and new clothes″.
She nodded her head, her eyes filled with hope and still shown some glint of regret. That was something I hoped to see in her eyes for four more years.
″Rule two″ I began, ″You are not allowed around Gabriela until you are fully sober for at least two months. You are not allowed in the same room as her, you are not allowed talk to her and you definitely are not allowed to touch her″ I warned. My voice stern and strict to show her I was very serious about these rules.
″Rule three″ I sighed, ″I will not call you Mother, Gabriela does not have to either. That will be her choice to make. If she wants to, she will call you Elizabeth. You can not force her upon calling you something you don’t deserve to be entitled″.
She took in a breath, her eyes concentrated on the wooden table in front of us almost like she was contemplating all of this. She looked back up at me, her eyes showing a glimmer of relief. ″Deal″ She said, her voice was hard to decipher. I couldn’t tell if she were nervous or sad or relived. It was probably a jumble of all three.
″It wasn’t something to be negotiated, those are the rules you have to follow, it wasn’t a deal″ I sighed at her.
″Thank you, Libby″ She breathed out, I furrowed my brows at her, my forehead creased.
She didn’t think I was doing this for her did she? No, no, no.
″I wasn’t doing this for you. Believe me if I was thinking about myself, you wouldn’t even be allowed to step foot into this house, you would be behind bars. I’m thinking about Gabriela, she needs a Mother. So don’t you think I am doing this for...you. Because you would be the last person I would save if this house started to burn on fire, hell I might even leave you here″ I snapped, she flinched at my words and gulped loudly.
She looked down at her feet and nodded her head, not saying a single word. ″I think I better get going, work starts in twenty minutes″ She murmured, she pushed herself off the counter she was leaning against and briskly made her way beside me.
For the first time in a long time, she didn’t smell like alcohol. It was refreshing to have her old scent back, but also brought so many bad memories back I wanted to erase from my mind, forever.
″I need you here tomorrow at five, Gabriela won’t be here until eight. If you really want to step up to the plate again, you’re going to have to prove it to me first. You haven’t stayed here properly in roughly four years so you need some cleaning to catch up on″ I directed, my voice strict showing no sign of love. Because she took my love from her years ago and threw it into a blender on full blast.
″I’ll be here″ She answered, her voice weak. ″And Libby″ She began as she turned around from the door, to face me.
I quirked my brow up at her as to say ‘what’, ″I’m sorry for everything I’ve done to you″ She finished, giving me a sad frown. I swallowed nothing in my throat and nodded my head before she left out the kitchen door.
I followed her out of the room where she was stopped just in front of the front door, I furrowed my brows as I walked closer to her. She was frozen stood looking at something...or someone.
My heart sunk to the bottom of my stomach as I quickly ran up to her, not to make sure she was okay and there was burglar in the house. Because I honestly couldn’t care if they took her, I ran because I knew exactly who she staring at.
They both stood there in front of each other not uttering out a word. My heart broke all over again looking at Grayson’s swollen eyes from all the crying, my heart reached out to him. I wanted to hug him and whisper in his ear that everything would be okay.
″Libby?″ Grayson asked, I jumped out of my shocked state not knowing what to do in this moment. I looked between the both of them and let out a breath. I really didn’t want to be in this situation right now.
Elizabeth opened the front door and was about to walk out before she stopped and turned around, to face Grayson. ″Don’t break her heart″ She whispered to him before she gave me one final look of regret and relief before she closed the door behind her.
I stood there shocked, where as Grayson looked utterly confused and I don’t blame him. I was confused too, shocked really.So now she decides to care about me?. ″You two look alike″ He remarked, her voice tired and broken. I walked up to him and wrapped my arms around his hard torso.
I seemed to have caught him off guard since he took a few seconds to comply and hug me tightly against his chest, his chin leaning on my head. I took in a breath and nodded my head at his previous statement.
It was then that those three little words nearly left my lips, being in his embrace just made me want to scream it out so all of the world could hear it. But I stopped myself, I wasn’t quite yet ready for the possibility that he wouldn’t love me back. It would break my heart worse than anything else in this cruel world.
Just being with him made all of my deepest fears and regrets just fade away, he didn’t have to say anything, it was just the feeling that came with him. His aura screamed comfort and love and passion and adventure. I knew in this moment, when I die I wanted to die in his arms. Because I knew then I would never be scared for what awaits me when I finally let ‘the light’ come for me.
Just then I remembered something, the white envelope. I think now would be the time to give it to him. I couldn’t keep it from him any longer, he needed this and I knew Angie would want me to give it to him by now.
As much as I didn’t want to, I got out of Grayson’s embrace and walked up to the coat hanger where my bag was hanging. Grayson was watching my actions with a slight frown, his eyes still showing signs of pain.
I put my bag strap on my shoulder and took Grayson’s hand in mine and pulled him into the living room, he sat down as I took a seat next to him. I nervously pulled the bag strap down my shoulder not knowing how he would react. I didn’t want to cause him any more dismay but I knew I had to do this for Angie.
I opened up my bag and took out the big white envelope that I managed to fit in my bag. Grayson stared at it with confused eyes not knowing at all what it was. ″This is for you″ I said with a sad smile and handed it to his shaky hands.
″You don’t have to open it here if you don’t want to, you can wait until you get home if you want″ I clarified, giving him a comforting smile.
He observed the envelope, turning it over where his name was wrote in handwriting. His frown deepened as he traced his finger over the letters. ″This is from Ang″ He stated in a questioning tone but it wasn’t a question.
I nodded my head and gave him an encouraging smile to show him I was there for him. I went to rub my hand on his back but he stood up off the couch before I had the chance to. ″How long have you had this?″ He asked as he ran his hands through his hair, his voice sounded still hoarse but with more pain in it. I wanted to make it all go away for him but I knew all I could do was be there for him.
″Just since yesterday″ I answered him, I stood up also.
He frowned down at the envelope before meeting my eyes again. ″I need to leave″ He breathed out as made his way out of the living room.
I ran after him, my heart beat quickened, ″Grayson″ I yelled after him as he walked out of the front door. The sky was starting to turn all shades of grey, the once blue sky darkening into a dark navy. He stopped straight in mid movements and turned around to face me, tears were starting to build in his eyes again. Even if I was far away from him now, I could easily tell by the way he stood.
I ran up to where he stood in the middle of the road. I placed both of my hands on his damp, cold cheeks. ″Did I do something wrong?″ I asked sadly, ″I’m so sorry Gray. I was told not to give it to you until after school. That’s what she wanted″.
He sighed into my hands, ″Lib, you didn’t do anything wrong. I just-″ He stopped mid sentence looking deep into my eyes that were mirroring his hurt ones, ″I just need to be alone for a while, It wasn’t anything you did. You just did what she wanted″ His voice sounded haunting, like he was hollow inside and I had to question myself if he would ever be okay again.
I nodded my head sadly, taking my eyes off his and looking down at the road. I had hurt him, I knew it. I knew he wouldn’t take this well. I shouldn’t have got involved with the envelope, but a part of me was glad I gave Angie her last wish. But I wish I didn’t have to hurt Grayson in doing so. He doesn’t know what is inside the envelope like I do, but I know when he finds out he’ll be even more pained.
Slightly making me flinch from surprise, Grayson placed a delicate finger under my chin and made me look up into his sad eyes, reminding me of just how hurt and miserable he was. ″Lib, it’s okay. You did what she told you to do. She would thank you if she could, don’t be sorry″ He whispered soothingly as he gave me a quick kiss on the head.
″I’ll see you soon, don’t forget the funeral is in two days. She would have wanted you to be there, and I need you″ He stated lowly, I nodded my head at him and gave him a quick kiss.
″I’ll see you soon″ I whispered to him as he let go of me, the tingles lingering on my face for a minute longer. He gave me smile, that I could tell in his eyes pained to do. That was the type of person Gray was, he felt bad for smiling when he should be hurt or when other people around him were in pain.
″I’ll see you soon″ He said before he got into his car, I walked back onto my pathway and watched as he drove away.
Was it foolish of me to just let him go like that. He said he needed to be alone and I didn’t want to sound like a needy girlfriend by asking him to stay longer. I just wanted to make sure he was okay at all times, I knew that wasn’t bad but I just couldn’t help but think that he needed someone with him.
Maybe he just needed someone with him who wasn’t me. Someone who knew Angie more than I ever will, he needed a close friend. And that wasn’t me, I love him dearly but I can’t lie to myself and say I know him fully when in reality I don’t. We’re still learning more about each other as each day goes by.
Like my Dad said you don’t fully understand and know a person until you marry them. Maybe he was right, but I knew that deep down I knew Grayson like nobody else. I knew the cocky side to him, the humorous side, the protective side, the loving side and the hurt side. I don’t think he would show that to just anyone.
That day was filled with worry and anxiousness. I had wanted so badly to be just be in Grayson’s arms. But I knew what he needed and what he wanted was to be alone and who was I to stop him.
He needed time to really come to grasps with everything and usually when you are alone and vulnerable you really think about everything that once was, how it brought you happiness and laughter but most importantly love.
I understood Grayson and I had heard once that I don’t think people have demons,I think they have themselves and things they aren’t ready to be honest about yet. It is not easy to come to grips with the fact that we’re capable of hurting people with same instrument we love them with. The heart is a hungry wolf and it is made of glass.
I think that described where Grayson was right now, he was afraid of breaking everyone around him. He wasn’t quite yet ready to tell me about this mysterious girl and I don’t know if he was afraid of loving me. I had only hoped he had because I do love him so dearly but I was always afraid he couldn’t feel the same way. We were both so different but that’s what pulled us together. We were like magnets trying to fight the odds and not get pulled to each other but we did and I was happy about that and I had only hoped he was too.
I needed someone to hold, to love me, to show me I could be good, I needed someone to stay.
I needed Grayson.