Song for this chapter: Ed Sheeran-Photograph
The heart wants it wants,
But the heart doesn’t always get what it wants.
I couldn’t go against everything I knew and give in to Grayson within seconds. I needed to stand my ground and not give in until I knew exactly what was going on between him and Olivia.
One thing is for sure, I couldn’t wait longer than my head was telling me to.
It was inevitable that I would go back to Grayson, he was my drug.
And I was addicted.
But I just wouldn’t speak to him.
Not until I knew.
When I got into Blake’s car the strong scent of masculinity and freshness hit me as soon as Blake closed my door and walked around to his side of the car and hopped in rubbing his hands together to try warm them up from the cold.
I hadn’t even noticed my hands were blue with the cold, not until Blake looked down at my hands with a worrisome expression on his face and turned on the ac and took my hands in his and rubbed them together blowing hot air onto them.
It was like that moment in The Vow, when Channing Tatum blows onto Rachel McAdams’ hands to warm her up. It was something I envisioned happening with Grayson, not Blake.
I stared at him, not noticing he was staring right back into my eyes until I looked up. I smiled at him, he returned the action with a small chuckle, his throat rippling as he did. The windows were frosted at the corners, the seats almost frozen solid but it wasn’t as cold as how my heart felt right now.
I keep contemplating in my head if I made the right choice, the look on Grayson’s face as soon as I turned around told me it wasn’t but then my head is telling me that this is what needed to happen for me to get my answers.
For a relationship to work, you need trust and good communication with each other and right now we were lacking one of those traits.
I trusted Grayson more than I could trust myself, but we didn’t communicate. If we get into an argument the first thing I do is demand answers while Grayson turns me down. I didn’t want to admit it, but if we continued like this I couldn’t see our relationship lasting.
And that was the last thing I wanted.
Hell, I would have made out with Glen the guy who ate a hairy gummy bear after being on the school lunch ground probably ten years, just to make me and Grayson’s relationship work.
Kissing another guy probably wouldn’t solve our problems...
Especially not making out with the guy who ate the hairy gummy bear.
″What’s on your mind, Libby?″ Blake asked, my hands still in his warm embrace.
I sighed, diverting my eyes away from him to look out the frosty window beside me. The sky was as white as snow, my breath apparent when I let out a breath.
″I guess you should be asking what isn’t on my mind″ I chuckled solemnly, although there was no humor in my tone.
I couldn’t see him, but I could tell he was looking at me like if he smiled I would break into a million pieces.
″He’ll come around, If I know you two it’s that you two can’t be away from each other without cracking″ He spoke, gently. He softly nudged me with his elbow making me turn around from my position and look into his ocean eyes.
His words were true, we couldn’t be away from each other without having withdrawal symptoms. I just wish Grayson was honest with me like I am with him. Don’t I deserve to know? I guess in Grayson’s world I didn’t and that’s what hurt me more than him not telling me. It’s the fact that he doesn’t think I deserve to know.
I let out a loud breath that came out like a little white cloud even though the car was slowly heating up. I nodded, giving him the only smile I could muster which probably came off fake and artificial but I was thankful for Blake giving me words of encouragement.
″Fibby Libby, take that frown off your face. Everything will be okay, Grayson will tell you eventually, it’s just a matter of time″.
My eyes widened at the weird deja vu or flashback I was experiencing at the mention of the nickname ‘fiddy Libby’.
My head felt dizzy, as a flashback of a young boy with dirty blonde hair and ocean blue eyes pushed me on a swing as I laughed with so much happiness and the words ‘fibby Libby’ escaped his lips, ″Blakey, don’t drop me″ I giggled with my innocent voice.
″Blakey″ I whispered out in astonishment, not believing that I had a flashback.
Blake took in a breath, his eyes no longer blinking. He looked frozen solid as we stared at each other with wide eyes.
″You remember?″ He asked, his eyes opened wide like he had just seen a unicorn stroll past him, his smile as wide as the ocean matching his eyes.
What was that?
Was it a memory? Or was it just some figment of my imagination trying to stir things up for me and Gray?
I wasn’t going to give him false hope, but this could be the start of something.
Maybe, I’m regaining back my memory.
″No, I-I I don’t know what that was″ I whispered, my eyes still showing shock, ″I don’t know if it was a memory or just something I made up″.
It was quite possible that spending time with Blake was the cause of me regaining back my memory, or at least a part of it. The thought of regaining back my memory both scared and excited me.
It scared me because if I do regain back my memory, which is unlikely, what happens if all of the feelings I apparently had for Blake come rolling back into my life and it’s stronger for my love for Gray?
That scenario was slim to none, it was one I didn’t ever want to possibly want to happen. But there was a 1% chance that could possibly happen and it scared me more than the thought of Grayson leaving me.
And yet despite all my fears, I was excited because I wanted to regain back my memories, not only for myself but I owed it to Blake to at least remember the friendship we had together. I didn’t want our friendship to be one sided, it was something we were working on together but it would be nice to have the knowledge that I do remember all the great times we had together.
″Tell me″ Blake spoke, ″How much do you remember?″ He asked, his voice low and gentle. Even though I wasn’t looking at him, I could feel his eyes staring directly at me.
You know that feeling you get when you’re in a crowded room and you can just get the feeling of someone staring deep into your hollow soul?
That was exactly how I was feeling right now.
″I was on a swing″ I spoke after a few seconds, looking back into his ocean eyes that somehow made the coldness of my skin fade away, ″I think it was my back garden, but you were pushing me and you called me Fibby Libby. I don’t remember being that happy before″ I chuckled quietly, replaying the memory back again in my head with the fear of losing it hitting me like a sledgehammer.
He smiled, the type of smile where his dimples showed and the corners of his ocean eyes crinkled. ″It was your ninth birthday, My Mom had gotten you the swing as your gift. I made you a card that I thought looked amazing at the time but now it just looks like a kid sneezed out glitter onto a card″ He chuckled, licking his chapped lips.
″I called you Fibby Libby because you would always lie to Jackson when you were going to come over to my house instead of going to Selena’s house″.
The name Selena didn’t ring any bells for me, well I’m not surprised it didn’t. I can’t even remember my best friend.
″She was our friend, your neighbour too. She moved to a different state a day after your birthday, her family were having financial problems so they packed up all of their stuff and moved to Los Angeles″ He clarified for me, obviously seeing my confused expression.
″But isn’t Los Angeles one of the most expensive states to live in? Why would she move there if they were having money problems?″ I asked.
″Apparently there were more jobs available at the time over there, so it seemed like the right choice for them″ He shrugged,
I nodded in understanding, ″Have you heard anything from her since?″.
He smiled sadly at that, ″We did for a while, you two would send letters back and forth to each other. But after the accident-″ He cut himself off giving me a sympathetic look.
I waved him reassuring him I was okay, ″It’s okay Blake, I think i’m over the phase where I was in shock for a while. Go ahead, continue″.
He nodded, giving me a small smile. ″Well, after that. You two lost touch, as did we. I didn’t have the guts to stay in touch with her after that. I haven’t spoken to her since″.
He stopped speaking after that, put up a finger motioning for me to wait a second and took his black leather wallet out from his back jean pocket.
He opened it up, while I watched intently wondering what we was up to.
And a few seconds later he took out a small Polaroid which I couldn’t make out yet, that was until he handed it over to me with an encouraging smile.
I hesitantly took the Polaroid from his hand, mirroring his smile. I closed my eyes for what felt felt like a few minutes but in reality was only a split second before opening them again and taking a hard look at the old Polaroid now in my hands.
There was three kids, a dark haired girl in the middle who I instantly recognized as my younger self, a tan girl with hair like mine but even darker was on my left while a dirty blonde haired boy smiling like a lunatic was on my right with his head on my shoulder.
Myself and the other girl I’m guessing is Selena matched Blake’s crazy smile as big as his. The dress I had on was the same from my memory, it only made sense that it was the same day.
″Your dad took the picture″ Blake spoke, knocking me out of my wishful thinking.
I smile at that, nodding at his words. ″Is that Selena?″ I asked him even though I was pretty sure it was her. I guess I could just sense it was her.
″Yeah″ He replied, giving me the answer I already knew to the question I already knew the answer to, ″She was really shy around other people but you wouldn’t ever have thought that since you brought her out of her shell whenever she was around you″ He chuckled.
″Do you miss her?″ I asked, i’m sure if I hadn’t forgotten about her I would still miss her to this day. We looked and sounded like we had a great bond, a bond no distance could break.
So it did surprise me that he hadn’t mentioned her earlier. I’m sure if we were as great of friends as he was letting on he would have told me earlier.
I guess I can’t blame him, I guess he just didn’t want to push me into remembering stuff I only had a 1% chance of remembering.
″I don’t know, I guess I use to. But when you get older you make new friends, you change. You make new friends, our friendship is in the past now″ He said honestly, I felt a pang of hurt at the harsh truth of growing up.
Sometimes I wish I could just live in Neverland and never grow up.
Shane Dawson needs to do a serious conspiracy theory on Neverland, because I bet you anything it’s where you go when you die. It’s like their own heaven, and that’s why they never grow up.
Cause they’re dead and all that.
″Did you ever think our friendship was in the past?″.
He scrunched his brows at my question and looked at me sadly like a person who just knocked over a child’s ice cream before they had the first lick.
″At a point in my life I did″ He admitted, making me look away from him and out of the frosted window beside me. ″But I didn’t give up on you, I still had hope that you would come around one day and you did″.
″You’re worth hoping for Libby, I don’t think I’ll ever meet another person like you again. I just don’t think anyone can make me laugh as hard as you can, and I know you’ll choose Grayson over me, but you always be my number one, Libby″.
″It’s always been you″.