Chapter Fifty two. I need my love back.
Song for this chapter: Steve Jablonsky-Tessa.
I didn’t know what to do at this moment, I didn’t know who I was or what would become of me. The blood staining my dress would leave a permanent stain on my heart and I knew now that nothing would ever be the same. Not again, not ever.
I couldn’t hear anything, not Blake’s comforting yet empty words or the ambulance sirens in the far distance. I couldn’t even hear the screams that were still leaving my lips. I was numb as one should be. I was empty, hollow and broken.
His face was drained from color, his skin cold to the touch but yet he still was so beautiful. His hair was disheveled and I had to prod my eyes away from his deep red once white shirt every time I remembered what happened just minutes ago.
I had heard once that losing your person is like losing air. It’s painful and slow and there’s nothing you can do about it. You just watch the world disappear.
It was as though everything was in slow motion, the paramedics came out of the ambulance in a rush carrying bags of aid kits. But I knew as well as them that there would be no saving done tonight, my person was gone. He had become a part of the night sky, simply a bright star that would always keep watch over me as I slowly fell apart from the seams.
He was still in my lap by the time he approached us, ″Code 187, Caucasian male″ The paramedic announced into his walkie-talkie. Blake was stood up standing next to him telling him more information, his hair a mess and his eyes red.
″Name: Grayson Smith, aged eighteen″.
I didn’t even notice a girl crouched down beside me until she touched my neck and I flinched back from the pain of it. But the pain didn’t compare to the pain that was crushing my heart into a million broken pieces.
She motioned the paramedic that was once talking to Blake over to us as he too bent down to be eye level with me, he looked at me with sympathy, a frown etched across his lips with wrinkles apparent on the corners.
″Code 664, a knife wound to the neck, Caucasian female″ He once again spoke slowly into the device that was getting told all of my worse nightmares.
″Her name is Elizabeth Johnson, she’s seventeen″ Blake told him which was then repeated into the walkie-talkie.
Police pulled up shortly, as paramedics tried bandaging up the open wound on my neck that did not yet stop bleeding. I knew I would need stitches, but that was the last thing on my mind at the moment. All I cared about and all I was thinking about was my person, my best friend, my Grayson.
″Libby″ The female paramedic called looking into my glassy eyes, her eyes were kind but yet sad. I didn’t need sympathy or remorse, I need my love back.
″We need you to let go″ She spoke carefully, knowing that if she wasn’t gentle with me I would crack. But it was too late, I wasn’t cracked, I was broken and nothing no one could say or do could possibly put me back together again.
Only he could.
I shook my head in refusal of not ever wanting to let go of him. He promised to never let go of me and I promised to never let go of him. I was keeping my promise, even if he had hadn’t kept his.
I held him in my arms not taking my eyes off his every feature, his soft freckles were nowhere to be seen in the dark night but everything about him looked so perfect. I was entranced by his beauty and didn’t ever want to look away. Not now, not ever.
I held his face in my hands and rubbed circles with my thumbs on his soft, cold cheeks as I leaned down to kiss his head one final time. I couldn’t bare to kiss his cold lips knowing that he wouldn’t kiss me back, not again.
Blake touched my arms but yet I didn’t divert my eyes away from Gray, his eyes closed as the lights the paramedics had created a shadow under his eyes from his long lashes I was always jealous of.
He touched my arm before grabbing a hold of my arm then doing the same to the next. Gray was still on my lap, heavy but I didn’t care. I wouldn’t ever care. He held me back as two male paramedics came close wheeling a stretcher over.
I almost got sick looking at the bag layout on top of it, not just any bag but a body bag. I had to hold down my own vomit at the thought of the boy I loved and was only laughing with an hour ago was going to be put into one.
I couldn’t let them do that.
Blake held me back as the two men lifted Gray off me, ″No please!″ I screamed, ″You can save him, Blake tell them he’s going to be okay!″.
My words were irrational and I knew that he couldn’t be saved but I just want them to try, anything at all. I tried to fight off Blake’s stronghold he had on me, but it was no use as I watched in horror as Gray was laid down on the stretcher.
″Don’t put him in there″ I croaked out, my words coming out broken like they were coming from my heart, ′’Not in there″.
I couldn’t look anymore once I heard the sound of the zipper closing, I turned around to be faced with Blake who looked terrible, to say the least. He didn’t say anything as he looked down into my eyes that were streaming with tears, not a word or even a whisper.
He just pulled me into his arms as I fell completely apart. He rubbed my hair in a soft motion as I lay my head down on his chest like I had earlier, my tears uncontrollable as the hard rain continued to make me shiver.
Grayson’s suit jacket had fallen off me earlier making my bare skin freezing unlike it had been just minutes ago. The police that had arrived were talking amongst each together taking in the crime scene. I heard them talk about the blood-covered knife that had both Grayson and I’s blood on it.
I knew I would be questioned about tonight, but I was no where near ready to talk about it when I couldn’t even keep my thoughts at bay or my tears in control. I was a broken mess and I no longer had Grayson to reassure me that I wouldn’t always be.
I would never hear his loud laugh that was so contagious it made everyone laugh along with him, even people he didn’t know. I would never see his boyish smile that made my knees weak and my heart flutter. I would never see his emerald green eyes that were the key to all of my happiness and unanswered questions. I never feel loved even in my darkest of moments.
But what hurt the most was the metaphorical slap to the face at the thought that I would never see him again. All of him. Not a strand of hair or even a whisper-nothing but the quietness of silently falling into the black hole I was in before I had smashed into him.
″You are welcome to follow us to the hospital″ The woman paramedic spoke, softly with sadness underlining each and every one of her words.
I could feel Blake nod his head briefly from having my head on his chest and then soon heard the sound of everyone packing stuff away, people talking amongst themselves, taking a guess on what happened or what was the cause of tonight’s murderous incident.
But they were all wrong, each and every single one of them.
The long-dreaded sound of the ambulance truck door slamming shut startled me from my numb state as I slightly jumped in Blake’s stronghold.
″Libby″ Blake said, his words gentle and soft like a flower. I mentally thanked him for speaking quietly as my killing thoughts were loud enough to keep me up at night.
″We should follow behind″ He informed, I nodded knowing he was right. My neck wasn’t going to heal itself and if I could possibly have one last goodbye with Grayson, I wasn’t going to risk missing out on the opportunity I would forever regret if I had missed.
When he let go of me, he placed his hands on my face and wiped the stray tears on my cheeks away with his thumb. He looked down at me with pain and regret and I was thankful his eyes didn’t show any sign of empathy or pity. I didn’t need that right now, we both didn’t need that. We just needed each other at this moment. I was glad to have him with me and as much as I wished we weren’t in this situation, I was glad I was with him and not someone else.
″You ready to go?″ He whispered, his hands still holding onto my freezing cold cheeks.
I gave him a clipped nod in response not being able to muster up anything else in response, it was as though my heart wouldn’t allow me to and I wasn’t fighting against it. He tried to plaster on a fake smile but I could see it bursting through the seams, it was artificial and broken and I could see every cavity it would cause in the long run.
When I turned back around to face the scene of horror that has forever changed my life, the police were taking pictures of everything including the knife that had taken away everything I had lived for.
A policeman holding Grayson’s jacket approached us as we made our way towards his car, he had on a waterproof cap and jacket that was soaked to the core, ″This holds no sufficient evidence, you are free to take it if you wish″.
I physically gulped looking at it, the smell I was accustomed to being around invading all of my senses. If we were in any other situation, I would have taken the jacket without thinking twice. But now Blake had to do that for me, uttering out a small ‘thank you’ as he did.
He gently placed it over my shoulders as we continued to walk down to his car. I was taken aback at first but soon gained comfort from the small yet thoughtful gesture that made me feel close to Grayson after tonight’s ordeal.
Blake held the door open for me as soon as we approached his car and helped me get in like I was fragile, and I think deep down in this very moment, I was fragile. Like a glass ornament made in the 17th century that could not be touched because of the unlikely situation that I would break into a million pieces.
I think it was a little late for that.
After he began driving, he looked at me with uncertainty and sadness laced in his eyes. The sadness wasn’t guided towards me but grief over the loss of Grayson. I don’t think I was used to saying that, if even in my head. It was something I didn’t dare ever want to say until my very last breath.
I leaned my head against the cold window that was getting hit by rain as the seconds passed, no music was being played from the radio, the rain was our own music tonight. I could feel Blake’s eyes on me every few seconds but I couldn’t push myself to look back at him.
I watched the rain from the outside as I felt my heart break with each and every drop that hit off the darkened window. Life was beautiful, full of love and laughs but the end was what people feared most. The long-awaited death that could either be peaceful or too soon.
Grayson didn’t deserve what had happened to him, he was pure and kind and loving and he didn’t deserve any of the pain he went through. It should be me in that body bag, not him.
Then it hit me,
This was all my fault.
If it weren’t for me, Hunter wouldn’t even know about Grayson, therefore he would have never been able to fatally wound him. Grayson would still be alive and breathing right here, right now if it all weren’t for me.
What have I done?
We came to an abrupt stop when he had finally parked at the hospital car park with the ambulance drivers instructions who we were following closely behind. To Blake’s dismay, I had gotten out of the car myself. He reached out for his hand to take and I looked at it for a minute before finally taking it in my own.
His hand wasn’t warm, it was as cold as mine which didn’t make me flinch at the sudden coldness of it when our hands met. I still held Grayson’s jackets over my shoulders for dear life as though if I let it go, I would be letting Grayson go.
And like Jack Dawson once said, if you jump I jump. And I for wasn’t letting go of Grayson, because even though we no longer could be together in this world, I know he hadn’t let go of me. He was watching me and always would be.
We made it in behind the paramedics wheeling along the stretcher that carried Grayson’s lifeless body in a body bag. They wheeled him away as I watched in both horror and incompleteness. Blake noticed the tears resurfacing again and held me close to his side to show he was there for me.
″I-I don’t think I can do this″ I whispered out, looking up at Blake with desperate eyes.
I couldn’t stay here knowing that my boyfriend- Was he even my boyfriend anymore? That thought alone was drilling in my head causing a sharp pain to rip through my skull that I pushed myself to ignore.
But I couldn’t stay here knowing that Grayson was in a morgue. A morgue when he should be at home with me watching TV as we reminisced on tonight’s laughs and dead chicken like dances. If any of us should be in a morgue, it should be me.
Hunter didn’t set out to kill Grayson, he planned to kill me. Grayson was innocent in all of this and it’s because of me that he will never look up at the bright stars again or venture to the Hollywood sign with me.
I would die with the knowledge that I was the cause of an innocent person’s life.
Blake stood in front of me, placing his cold hands on my already frozen cheeks as he searched deeply into my grey eyes with his ocean-like ones which were now flooded with darkness and remorse.
″Libby″ He breathed out gently, his voice soft. ″As soon as we get your neck stitched we can leave whenever you want″ He reassured, I nodded my head back in response not being physically able to murmur out anything else.
″Just a few minutes and we’ll be gone, okay?″.
The whole floor was chaotic with people behind the desks ringing different people, police talking to paramedics on the side whispering words I couldn’t quite make out and Blake and I stood there like fish out of water.
″Elizabeth Johnson?″ A soft voice called from behind the desk. When both Blake and I turned around to face the person who had called my full name, we were faced with an middle-aged woman with a worrisome expression playing on her aging features.
I didn’t even have it in me to recoil back and cringe at the mention of my name being called out as Elizabeth and not as Libby. Blake approached the desk for me, knowing I wasn’t in the right state of mind to talk to the girl who had called my name.
I couldn’t even hear what they were saying through my loud thoughts pulsating through my head like wildfire.
It wasn’t long before Blake was guiding me down to a small waiting room with only three people waiting in it. We got odd looks from the people waiting as we made our way to sit down, I clad in a bloodstained dress, while Blake only had a few small blotches of blood on his shirt that I couldn’t tell if it belonged to me or Grayson.
The knife wound to my neck was open but the bleeding had calmed down tremendously. It wasn’t big enough for me to die from blood loss but it wasn’t small enough for it to heal on its own either.
A little girl with big brown eyes on her Mother’s lap couldn’t seem to keep her eyes off me. I wasn’t looking back at her for the mere reason that I knew I looked like hell and I didn’t want to give the little girl nightmares with my blooded dress, mascara tear stained cheeks and neck that had dry blood running down it.
People got called out one by one including the little girl, until there was only Blake and I left in the brightly lit room. He held my hand in his, rubbing circles with his thumb as I stared right in front of me at nothing at all. In my numb state, all I could do was sit and watch as my whole world collapsed before my very own two eyes.
The door opened revealing a man in his maybe mid 50′s, early 60′s. ″Elizabeth Johnson″ He called looking up from his notebook that probably had my name on it and reason why I was here in the first place. He didn’t need to call my name since there was no need to as Blake and I were the only ones left in the waiting room.
I hastily stood up from the chair letting go of Blake’s hand that was just starting to heat up. He stood up to, ″Do you want me to come in with you?″ He asked, placing a gentle hand on my arm.
I nodded my head briefly in response, giving him a quick glance before turning to face the doctor in front of us. I was thankful for having Blake be my moral support in this moment of time. I knew what happened tonight had a taken a huge toll on him too but he held his emotions back for the sake of me. He truly was special and I can’t possibly thank him enough for all that he has done for me.
Even through my meltdowns and moments of anger, he was the one there for me to give me a reality check on life. He was the one to knock some common sense into me when I needed it most. He didn’t take any shit from me and I was grateful for that.
We followed behind the doctor as instructed. Stepping into his small room I sat down on the beige chair as he told me to do, Blake sitting down on the small waiting chair beside the door giving me the support I so badly need.
″I’m just going to apply some numbing cream to the area first, this will sting for a short second″ He warned looking at me with careful eyes.
I felt like a zombie sitting here in the chair with no control over my actions or words. It was like my voice box had been ripped out of my throat and thrown away in the rain alongside the broken pieces of my heart.
He carefully took off the stained bandage covering my neck and with a cotton pad, he applied the numbing solution to it before pressing it to my neck. I didn’t even wince.
″The next part shouldn’t hurt, you may feel some pressure but if you feel any pain let me know″ He instructed, his eyes kind and his voice warm. I looked up at the ceiling once he took out a clean needle. I hadn’t had a big fear of needles like I know some people did but the thought of something piercing my skin again scared me more than I could have ever imagined.
It took about three minutes, three long minutes filled with nothing but the eerie quietness the small room provided. He cleaned the wound before placing a fresh bandage over it again. Blake helped me stand up as if I broke my leg, it wasn’t necessary but I was thankful none the less.
The doctor gave Blake more bandages for my neck and instructed him on what to do for the next two weeks. I guess I wasn’t hiding my emptiness as good as I thought.
We were just about out the door when the doctor spoke up, ″I’m sorry for your loss″.
I let out a long breath I had been holding in for so long when he spoke. I plastered on a small smile in response which didn’t last very long.
″Thank you″ Blake answered for me, placing his hand on my shoulder soothingly. He walked me out of the doctors’ room, his warm hand now in mine again. He knew I didn’t want to breathe in any more air in this hospital and so he guided me down the long hallway so we could walk past the waiting room and leave soon.
The loud sobs coming from behind the waiting room door stopped us dead in our tracks. Blake looked down at me with an anxious expression as we both stood just inches away from the door not knowing what to do.
Blake looked concerned at hearing the loud cries, his brows furrowed together and his forehead creased. He showed no sign of opening the waiting room door and I couldn’t help but feel my stomach drop at the feminine cries. Surprising both myself and Blake, I opened the waiting room door.
Before I could even evaluate what was going on or who was the face behind the loud cries, I was encased in a tight hug almost making me fall backward, but Blake caught me with his hard hands before I even had the chance to.
The only thing in my vision was sleek black hair that matched mine. It was my Mother. ″Oh Libby, baby. I was so worried″ She choked out, rubbing her fingers through my hair as she would when I was upset when I was a little child.
The tears pricking my eyes couldn’t stay put any longer, they escaped my eyes without my permission as I cried into my Mother’s shoulder. She looked at me with frantic, worried eyes when we pulled apart from each other’s embrace.
″I’m so glad you’re okay, Libby. I don’t know what I would do if I lost you″.
But I wasn’t.
I wasn’t ‘okay’.
I had lost all that I had lived for. My heart, my love, my person.
I was back at square one all over again and it wasn’t Grayson’s fault, it was mine. It would always be mine.
She frowned deeply, her forehead creasing when she noticed the bandage covering my now stitched neck. She put her hand over her mouth as she shook her head and took in my bloodied appearance.
″Who did this to you, Libby?″ She cried out, placing a stray hair behind my ear. I couldn’t allow myself to answer her or even mutter out a single word. Not now at least.
From the corner of my eye, I caught a sight of something that broke my heart all over again. Bethany was the face of the loud cries, she was in Clyde’s arms as he held her tightly and whispered unknown words into her ear even though I could tell he was slowly dying inside just like me.
I wanted to apologize, to say how sorry I was for falling in love with their son, for making him known to a monster such as Hunter. If I hadn’t, he would still be alive today.
Bethany caught me staring at them, her tears streaming along down her red cheeks. She let out a loud cry as she motioned me over. I was expecting her to scream at me for being the cause of the end ofher son’s life, but she didn’t.
With wide arms, she enveloped me into a death baring hug. I hugged her back just as tightly as we both cried in each other’s arms. The police that were in the room were talking amongst themselves about the crime and suspects, they guessed people from the football team but not who it was.
″They don’t know who did it Libby, you were there. Did you see who did this?″ She cried, her words desperate.
I nodded, she pulled out of the hug and looked at me with huge eyes. ″You know?″ She croaked out, Clyde motioning for a policeman to come over towards us.
″It was Hunter″.