If I had to use one word to describe how I feel it would have to be invincible. Invincible. This is how I feel at this moment. I am standing on the balcony of my new apartment, balancing dangerously on the black metal railing. The very revealing, slender black dress that I am wearing whips around my legs in an enchanting dance, following the rhythm of the wind. As the dress flutters about I feel as though I can fly. Luckily, enough of my medicine is still in my system to reassure me that I cannot. Yet the urge to jump tugs at my heart, not because I want to die but because I want to live.
A creature flies past me in the darkness lit up faintly by the lights of the city. Its as if it has heard my heart’s cry, the heart of a fallen angel whose wings had been stripped from their very being, taking away their ability to ever fly again. The creature continues to fly about over my head, begging for me to follow its lead. My heart says I can because I am invincible, high and mighty, immortal. My mind begs to differ as it is under the influence of prescription drugs that brings reality into the picture. The creature flies around above for a second time taunting me. The urge to jump off becomes almost unbearably impossible to resist. The need to follow the creature tugs at my heart once more as it continues to taunt me in a way that appears to say, “See? You too, could do this.”
“Don’t do it.” A strong stern toned voice belonging to Jupiter, one of the few voices in my head, echoes loudly around me. I hear it so clearly it as if she had said it while standing next to me instead of inside of my mind. At the clarity of her voice I roll my eyes. Clearly there isn’t enough of the Abilify dwindling in my system left to block out the voices that reside in my head.
There are three voices total that inhabit my mind not including my own. Their names are Kyle, Jack, and Jupiter. Kyle is sweet, positive, and kind. Jupiter is honest and cynical. Jack is rude, hateful, and negative. The voices are always there but with medication they slowly grow faint. Unfortunately they still persist even when I take my prescriptions regularly but do not annoy me enough to convince me to tell a doctor about them. Sometimes I even hallucinate the person the voices belong to when I have gone without the meds for a long period of time.
I’ve been prescribed Abilify for the hallucinations I have informed the doctors about. On the Abilify I am barely able to hear the voices my mind has created for some reason. I never see them when I remember to take the medication correctly. The reason I have never told the doctors about the voices of Jack, Kyle, and Jupiter is because I sound crazy enough as it is. Plus, I do not mind them so much as I’ve grown accustomed to them. I also take Prozac and Klonopin. The prozac is for anxiety and depression. The klonopin is a PRN, a wonderful prescription drug I take as needed for anxiety.
I listen closely to the music I have cranked up on an all-time high, the radio tuned to a modern rock station. Not only do I hear the music, but I feel and see it too. It has a calming effect as it seems to fill my chest with air. I am whole, and for one rare moment, I can breathe easily. Colorful lyrics and rhythm zoom past me. Almost like I am in a whole new beautiful universe, all my own, flying through time and space. It’s all MINE. Nobody but me sees, nobody but me hears, nobody but me. This is my high, this is my freedom. My own personal escape that the medications take away from me. There is a catch though. This escape, this freedom, all comes at a cost. The world as I perceive it, without the aid of medication, is also my worst nightmare. I chalk this up to the fact that for every positive there is a negative to balance things out. I do not wish to dwell on the negative perception I sometimes see this dark and gloomy world in. Lucky for me, even though I have been out of my medicine for two weeks, I have only felt the high. I have only seen the beauty.
I revel in the feel of the cool wind on my skin for one moment longer, enjoying the music as the colorful rhythms and lyrics continue to surround me. After I have lingered long enough, having my fill of this dangerous thrill, I laugh, dancing off the railing back onto the balcony floor.
“Good Girl.” Jack snides after my feet hit solid, safe ground. I ignore his comment, shaking it off before rushing back through my clean but cluttered apartment to finish preparing myself for a night out.
My apartment is one of many in the building located in a sketchy part of the city. It is a small one bedroom, two bath on the fourth floor of the complex. When you walk inside the entryway door you are in the living room. Behind the living room is the kitchen with the doors that lead out to the balcony. To the right of the living room is the bedroom and master bath. To the right of the kitchen is the laundry room and guest bathroom. Not the most perfect floor plan but I can’t complain as my scholarship money pays for it all and it is only a temporary home.
Grabbing a pair of black platform high heels to add to my look, I complete my outfit. Before leaving the safety of my apartment I take a Klonopin and look myself over in a wall mirror kept in the living room. I find that I am pleased with how I look, abso-freakin-lutely stunning. I have to calm myself, pushin the anxiety down, when I wonder if I really look like my reflection. I look down to see that I am wearing the same fabric as the mirrored me and hope that this small reassurance is enough to convince myself that I do in fact look like the figure in the reflective glass.
Sometimes, while experiencing mania, my mind plays tricks on me, making me believe I look a certain way when in reality I look another. If I am in such a poor state of mind that this occurs, my mind will trick me into believing hallucinated conversations surrounding people have. For example, if I feel cute or sexy I will see my reflection this way, no matter my actual appearance. If I can not make out what people are saying clearly my mind creates the conversation for me, fooling me into believing I hear them talking very positively about me. Self-consciously, I thoroughly analyze myself in the mirror for a second time confirming my appearance. Finding nothing out of place I proceed to double check the makeup I have caked onto my arms and legs, in an attempt to hide the scars that will forever taunt me. The fading marks are covered enough that they will not be noticed without close inspection. I stare a moment longer at the scars that will forever cover my skin. They are the marks only bared by one who knows the releasing kiss of a blade.
“Stop thinking about it sweetheart. You do not want to ruin being three months clean.” Kyle’s voice, a soft gentle whisper, echoes throughout my mind.
The scars fade with age but never truly go away. I have mixed feelings about the scars that cover my arms and thighs. I wish they would go away so I could have beautiful flawless skin yet I am partially happy that they faintly stay, providing permanent proof of what I have survived throughout my life. I have survived the everlasting war inside my head this long and these marks are just the battles I have lost. One can see that the amount of battles lost doesn’t matter because I am still standing here winning the war that rages inside my mind.
I stare at my cover up for just a moment longer before I decide that I am satisfied with it. On that note, I head out the door to find my way to the bar down the street from my apartment. I am feeling frisky tonight and moi is going to find her some sexy, willing piece of tail.
As I impatiently approach my destination I read “Franky’s all night bar” on the wood burned sign. Well, hopefully, there is some equally frisky, eager mates awaiting inside, wishing to relieve some frustrations as much as I. Confidently, I open the bar’s red door and make my way in, the door creaking as it opens. Clumsily I find myself tripping over the upturned corner of a loose floorboard. I close my eyes in anticipation of landing painfully on the wooden floor beneath me. I wait for my embarrassing fall to come to a painfully abrupt halt. After a moment’s time I discover that it is never to come as I have been saved. When I reopen my eyes I find myself being held gently. Instead of landing flat on my face as fate had intended, I had landed softly in the arms of someone else.
“I am so sorry!” I exclaim before continuing to mumble more apologies. I look up to see my Savior. My eyes take in the face of a beautiful stranger before focusing on his own similar hazel ones. They crinkle at the corners as he flashes a bright, sexy smile my way. He is tall with a shaggy copper growth of hair that adorned his features. The man is wearing a white dress shirt and jeans. I can’t help but catch a whiff of him as the world surrounding us seems to slowly fade away. Everything but us disappears leaving us in a world all our own. The smell of him is a mixture of earthiness and his own musk, a scent that was so uniquely his I had never come close to something that smelled equally as good. As his unique scent fills my nose I drink in his presence, committing every feature belonging to him to memory. Only one, singular word popped into my head to describe this man, HOT!
Suddenly the world comes crashing back as anxiety rips through me with the realization that I am still encircled in his strong unwavering arms. I become very aware of his presence in a physical way that makes my skin unpleasantly itch. I jump back quickly and embarrassed, apologizing once more to this gorgeous creature before me. Head down, I quickly glance around the room and catch no eyes with mine. Still, the feeling of being watched doesn’t escape me and the anxiety’s strong grip of my heart that had slowly began to dissipate continues to faintly remain present inside my chest. Taking my chin lightly in his soft firm hand the man tugs up on it lightly forcing me to meet his gaze once more. He flashes me that killer smile again before speaking his first words to me.
“No need to apologize so much miss, accidents happen and it doesn’t help they have not put that board right since they opened the place.” I could not help but notice the hint of a southern drawl slipping into his voice when he spoke. “Why don’t you take a seat luv? Here? Next to me maybe?” His voice is smooth and as sexy as he is. Emphasizing his offer to have me sit next to him, the man gestures with his right hand towards one of the fancy bar stools located at the end of the cedar stained counter closes to us. The damned cat has got my tongue and only allows me to nod my agreement. I robotically take the seat offered, still mesmerized by this perfectly sculptured man. “I’ll order us some drinks if you’ll allow me the pleasure and tell me your poison.” Boy howdy, he starts smiling my way with that boyish grin and I just melt like putty. I need to get it together. He is just the first man I’ve met tonight and already I am his possession, his to do with as he pleases.
“I, um, Crown and Pepsi please.” I manage to say. The man grins and waves down the bartender, a short man, with hair that is beginning to gray. Grabbing the bartender’s attention my savior tell him our order. Sliding us our drinks, the bartender gives a friendly smile before turning to attend to another customer. Seated with alcoholic beverages to add fuel to the fire in my groin, we talk about family and work after I ask what his story is.
“So where are you from? I know you ain’t from around here as I can hear a slight twang in your voice”, my savor inquires with a friendly wink.
“Well, you’re one to talk cowboy.” I say putting my hand on his shoulder trying to hide my blushing. I try very hard to keep myself from having any sort of accent or southern drawl. He must have only picked up on it since I am not a New Yorker. “I’m from the good ol’ state of misery.” I wink back and he hoots a booming laugh. His laugh makes my chest swell with happiness.
“Missouri?” He asks for clarification with a chuckle. I nod in response. “Well you’re right about cowboy, I actually do rodeos and barrel races in the summertime when I go home in June.” Leaning back in his seat he shows me a thick fancy, golden belt buckle with the words ‘BULL RIDER’ on top of the year ‘1991’ engraved behind a cowboy on a bull. “This here is my lucky one. It’s the trophy I won from my third rodeo where I had my first win. I scored eighty-seven and a half points. It’s the only score of mine I remember. One never forgets the score of their first win.”
“Bull riding?” I ask
“What’s the longest you’ve ever stayed on?”
“I average about fifteen seconds.”
“That’s really good timing right? I mean you have to stay on for at least eight to qualify and that’s difficult enough.”
“Right you are!”
I grin knocking my right knee against his left playfully, “bet you grew up on a big ol’ family farm too didn’t chu cowboy?”
“Right again!” he says with a boyish grin. “I grew up down in Texas, smack dab in the middle of nowhere on a big eighty-one acre farm. My dad inherited it when my grandfather passed away.”
“Hard working farm boy?” I ask, genuinely interested. There were something about this man that made me want to know more, hungry for every detail he was willing to share. I had only come here looking for a one night lover but it could wait as I was enjoying the carefree moment I was sharing with this stranger and secretly I was hoping he could be the one I take home tonight.
“You betcha but that was because as I got older my dad’s arthritis got real bad and Ma’s a diabetic without her right leg. Most of the farms upkeep fell to me due to those circumstances. As my younger brother Sean grew older he began to help me more and more with the responsibilities that come with having a farm.”
“How is your relationship with your parents?” I can’t stop myself from asking. He grabs my hand in his “well you see Sean and I are Pa’s best friends but at the end of the day we are both big ol mama’s boys.” As he continues to drink and talk his southern drawl creeps into his voice even thicker. I can smell the whiskey on his breath and strangely it arouses me more.
“So what brings you all the way to New York?”
“John Hopkins in Maryland. I got my acceptance letter the week before I graduated high school.” he responds matter of factly
“So you’re a doctor?”
“Precisely. I wanted to help people and what better way than to be a doctor. Anyway, after college I high tailed it up here to New York where I now run my own practice. I get to make my own schedule and take June off every summer to go home and see my family as well as help with the farm. Fresh out of college and having just started my own practice I don’t have many clients so it isn’t difficult to get away. My brother has taken over the farm and stays in a second house on the land.”
While the cowboy doctor tells me about himself and gives me the summary of his life I notice yet again how gorgeous he is. My stomach does flips from just looking at him, the butterflies fluttering about, causing the fire in my groin to grow from a small flame into a full inferno. I have a fleeting thought of how he is the perfect man. He could be my prince charming I think with dreamy eyes as I hang on to every word escaping his smooth, perfected lips. “Yeah right.” Jack snickers materializing himself leaning against the bar behind prince charming with a smirk. I can see him quite clearly and note every detail of his dark persona is the same as always. Black shaggy hair, green eyes, and a mischievous look plastered on his face. He is wearing the same dark green shirt and khakis as always. Luckily he is gone as fast as he appeared and I can brush him off quickly. The image of Jack has unpleasantly distracted me from my prospective lover for tonight. I focus once more on the man keeping me company and find him staring at me expectantly.
“Hmm? Sorry, I misheard what you said.”
“Oh that’s quite alright. I said I was so busy talking your ear off with my story I have not gotten to hear a lick of yours yet.” I blush and inwardly balk at the idea. “Forgive me and tell me about yourself and your family? What brings you here to New York?”
I want to tell him that all I want is to get him in bed but I indulge him as he has me instead. “Well I am pretty close to my godson who is also my nephew named Jackson. I am also close to my mom, younger sister, and twin brothers.” I say trying to be as vague about my family as possible, not wanting to go into detail about all of that drama filled mess with this stranger. I just want in his pants. Right. Now. “They all live back home.” Not wanting to elaborate further I jump into the story of why I am in New York. “I have a passion for all things art related. I am graduating in a month with a degree in art education, which is why I am here. I start my last month student teaching soon. I got lucky they let me transfer this late in the semester when I moved here.”
Having answered his questions with what little amount of information I am willing to share, Prince Charming smiles and nods, as if knowing I would not open up more than I already had. “Lets get some refills on our refreshments before we continue talking. Im switching to Bud what would you like me to get you?”
“I’ll take a margarita this time please.” I reply to his offer.
After a few beers and margaritas I finally divulge what I had in mind tonight. “God I want you!” I blurt out the thought that has been on my mind all night. I blush profusely while apologizing. The cowboy doctor grins before saying “Quit apologizing and lets get to it. I mean, I’m game if you are.”
“Well cowboy, get ready to be ridden like the stallion you are then.” I respond before giving him a quick chaste kiss and stand.
“Only if you’re prepared to be hogtied, bent over a barrel, and become my longest ride.”
“I’m game if you are.” I throw his words right back at him and walk to the door, assured he is right on my heels by the sound of his boots on the wood floor behind me. As I open the door I receive a pleasant smack on the ass to user me out. I giggle as I spin my head around to see a mischievous grin painted upon his face. Playfully letting my own southern twang coat my voice I ask him, “Is that all you got cowboy?” Unexpectedly I am swept off my feet as his strong arms lift me to him, allowing him to place a deep lustful kiss upon my eager lips. I couldn’t help myself and kissed him back in a way I could only hope expressed my raw need for him.
Breaking the contact between our lips he places his mouth next to my ear. “How much farther is your place? If you keep this up much longer I don’t think I will make it.” He growls.
“It’s only about a five minute walk away.” I reply panting from the building anticipation. I grab his hand in mine and begin to head in the direction of my tiny apartment. Prince Charming and I can’t wait for what we both so desperately crave from one another, kissing and groping each other the whole way. We are practically unable to keep our hands to ourselves. I can’t help the giggle that escapes my lips as music plays in my head with the sensation of my soon to be cowboy lover’s delicious mouth on my neck. His every touch makes my skin pleasantly tingle all over. “Oh, I love that sound!” The beautiful mysterious stranger exclaims in a groan. The need for him fills me so that if I didn’t have some trace of my medications left in my bloodstream I would be stripping and mounting him right here and now on this street. The little bit of medication still trickling in my system stops me from doing just that though, allowing me to just barely restrain myself. The five minute walk seems to last a lifetime with the demanding need building low inside me. I only manage to keep myself in check until finally, FINALLY, we have reached my apartment door.
Immediately my hands drop to his pants button and zipper. The man pulls away, grabbing my hands lightly in his and laughs gently. “Easy sweetheart. Let’s take it to the bedroom.” I pout at him before unlocking and opening the door. It swings open when I twist the handle and shove it, making way for us to enter my small abode. Swiftly I glance in to see the bedroom door open. Perfect. Quickly I face my cowboy conquest, grabbing his shirt roughly to pull him towards me so that I can reclaim his lips with my own. I can’t get enough of his sexy, sweet lips. I blindly walk back towards my bedroom, impatiently dragging him along. I feel him standing at attention as our bodies are pressed together. The man has enough control to remember to shut the door, kicking it gently closed but not enough control to stop being so attentive to me. In response to feeling his quivering member, knowing that I am wanted, a moan escapes, reverberating in the back of my throat.
When we have made it to the bedroom, I propel us onto the bed needing to be satisfied soon. I feel the heat building up inside me causing my needs to be met now before I combust. “Let’s take her easy at first doll, gotta walk before you trot.” He says with with a wink, his thick southern accent pouring into his voice.
Climbing on top of him, I kiss along his neck and jawline while my fingers, shaking from need, fumble to undo his shirt. “I want to trot before we walk. It sounds like fun.” I reply, my voice breathy, portraying my significant want for him as I speak. The warmth continues to spread throughout every fiber of my being as his hands began caressing my entire body. I could feel his strong hands sliding up my back and then suddenly, my shirt was falling to the floor. “I need you now,” I whisper into his ear before nipping at his earlobe. When my teeth make contact he groans with what I hope to be pure pleasure.
Swiftly we lose what little clothing remains on our bodies. Naked before each other with no more cloth to get in our way, he tells me to “Pony up cowgirl.”
I finally mount my cowboy lover, using my hand to slip him inside. “Gladly.” I hiss with my teeth clenched in pleasure. Slowly I slide myself down feeling the fullness, savoring the feeling and the moment. Our eyes make contact, and neither one seems eager to break it. In that moment we seem to share a connection and my heart feels as though it may burst inside of chest. There sure is something about this man that makes me want more than just this one night stand. Shutting down that train of thought as quickly as it starts, I close my eyes, begin a slow rotation of my hips, and enjoy the feeling of him filling me almost more than I can bear. Slipping his hands into mine, he begins to help support my weight as I start to bounce on him, harder, faster, finding an easy rhythm, our bodies seeming to amalgamate, melting into one. It doesn’t take long before I begin to feel the building of what is to be my release. He soon is making small noises of pleasure that match my own until finally, we both let out a relieving sound with our simultaneous release.
Collapsing on top of his hot and sweaty body with a smile on my face, he whistles long and low. “Wow.” murmurs tonight’s prince charming. “That was absolutely incredible.”
With him having said that, I could not help the shy smile, accompanied by a small giggle, from escaping my lips before I replied, “Wanna go again? This time you in charge?”
“Hell yeah!” he exclaimed before rolling on top of me and kissing me hard.