Chapter Seventeen~Lacrimoso: Relapse of Weakness
A bird pitched on a tree sings a song for his lover. Forever singing a song that will never be heard.
Climbing up the stairs to the front porch in a slow trudge Ella tried to come up with a way to tell her father the news of her terminating her scholarship.
She held her hand out to turn the doorknob before nerves got the better of her and she stumbled back down the small stairs.
“Maybe I should just give it a little time,” Ella mumbled to herself looking at the door. The once blue paint of the door was now peeling off in thick layers showing the whiteish yellow metal below.
“Yeah, just a little more time.” She spoke trying to agree with herself and not feel guilty.
Guilt? Why should she feel guilty? Her father had no right to say anything about Ella’s choices on how she decides to live her life. Walking down the street Ella tried to practice how she was going to break the news to her father.
Passing by the cafe Ella looked to the small rundown playground. Memories of laughter and an unbroken family. It was always a small place but in the past few years, it had been left alone letting it dependent on the harsh bipolar weather. To Ella, it seemed like a symbol for herself. Once in pristine condition until one by one people forgot about it or left, leaving it alone deprived of help.
Sidestepping the uneven curb Ella found her way to one of the lowered downswings. Sitting slowly making sure it would be able to hold her weight Ella started to rock back and forth.
Counting each car that sped past her, she made herself a compromise to going have to break the news to her father. Twenty-eight cars would have to pass and then she’d have to go home. While making the compromise to herself Ella didn’t realize that only two miles away school had just ended.
Cars passed in clumps quickly and almost minutes after her little self-compromise the twenty-eight cars needed had already passed by. Turning to once again face the door of hesitance Ella went at a sluggish pace subconsciously. Mumbling a mantra of ‘Stay strong, perceiver’ she found herself standing in the same place she had quickly withdrawn in worry only some ten minutes before.
Clasping the door handle Ella took a long gasp of air as if she wouldn’t be able to breathe in her house once more.
“Ella? Is that you?”
No turning back. Ella knew she had made her bed, and now, she must lay in it.
The plodding footsteps of her father could be heard below her bedroom floor along with the clatter of bottles.
“So, so many bottles” Ella whispered to herself pulling back and letting go of the green rubber band on her wrist. The constant snapping of the band had started to redden and bruise her wrist bringing more pain with each snap.
After she had told her father of the news he had broken down. It was as if Ella had delivered news of her mother’s passing once more not of a decision to stop playing the piano. Deep down, however, Ella knew that to her father that for her to stop playing was like getting rid of music and her mother’s legacy, in turn, it was the exact same as killing her mother once and for all.
The past few days since had been the deja vu of how her father had originally started drinking. Only this time he knew what he was doing after his many years of past practice and quickly returned to his state of being somewhere between mindless and child like. Snapping the rubber and on her wrist gave Ella a sense of pain which she found especially helping for trying to stay calm and not have to think of what to do next.
Pounding on her door and the screams of her father denouncing her only made Ella start to pull the rubber band harder while trying to tuck herself further into the wall wanting to disappear. Closing her eyes Ella tried to block out her father’s incessant ranting and sleep, after a period it work and the yelling went mute.
And then there was a painful sounding slam.
Jolting Ella from her state of borderline slumber she quickly stood. Whipping her head to her door she thought her father may have broken it open, yet that wasn’t the case. Opening the door slightly Ella peeked through the crack to see if her father was outside her room. Nothing.
Stepping outside the door Ella saw the slender hallway was empty. Shuffling towards the stairs Ella saw her father below slumped down. The dark didn’t help, she could only make out the shadow of his body.
“Dad?” Ella whispered trying to see if he had passed out near the stairwell. Moving around his form Ella padded along the wall trying to find the light switch. Flipping the lights on Ella’s eyes quickly shut at the new source of light, once her eyes adjusted to finally took in the sight in front of her.
An ear piercing scream left Ella before she even realized what was fully in front of her.
Standing unmoving in shock in only took what felt like moments for the police to arrive.
One of the female officers ushered her outside trying to keep Ella’s attention away from the sight of her father. The female officer tried to comfort her by slowly rubbing her back while telling her ‘breathe, you’re okay’.
Was she really okay though? Was Ella’s last thought to herself before she finally fainted.