The card taunted me, laughed at me. Torn into two pieces and crumbled was how I found it. Tapping it up I picked it up reading every word again and again. It felt too heavy to hold but was nothing just paper.
Anger surged inside of me seeing it.
How couldn’t it have?
I had read the groom and bride’s name a million times. I just couldn’t stop myself; it was the only thing on the card that had grabbed my attention.
Did someone love her? Was he really in love with her? Did she really love him? Was it genuine love or just next prey? These thoughts were killing me no they were drowning me, pulling me to the edge of insanity. I needed to know about it, see him, see her, them together. I had to, just to believe that this really was happening. Opening up Facebook after a long time it bombarded me with thousands of notifications. It’s a surprise tha it was still active. There was so much to catch up on but I wasn’t here for catching up I was here for Nathaniel Dupont. He was a known person all around Las Vegas for his work, the best psychologist in the state. High-profile people came from faraway places just to have an hour with him. It was an expensive hour, but I had money. I needed more than an hour, in his office and outside it.
Typing up his name in the search engine I looked him up. The first account gained my attention too easily or should I say too quickly. It was a photo of him and her, standing in an intimate pose, looking into each other eyes. It felt like I was seeing something private, something that wasn’t meant for me to look upon but I couldn’t stop myself. They were together because of me, because of my sacrifice of life.
Opening up the account the love of theirs bombarded me. Every word, every post was theirs together, she was omnipresent everywhere. It felt like it wasn’t his facebook but hers.
The wedding card clear and proud on his wall making me realise that it was really happening. Post by post I learned every part of their relationship, took every part in, imprinted all of it inside of me. I was prying into their life, taking it all in like it was mine. There was a clear picture of his in one post alone, one without her, and I looked at it. No, I stared at it, gawked at it memorized every inch of his face. Blue eyes, chiseled firm jaw, thin lips, dirty blonde hairs, olive tanned skin, everything.
“This time I will do what you accused me off.” The words came out sharp and revengeful.
A post just posted seconds ago about a game he was going to attend after two days popped up. I never understood the reason behind why people posted every aspect of their life online. However why should it matter, it gave me a perfect opportunity? Baseball game the easiest and less suspicious place to meet him.
There was no way I was going to let this wedding happen. Nope.
The ringing of the doorbell made me jump.
Instantly I logged out and closed my laptop. It wasn’t like anyone cared for what I did, no one even asked. I had no one who would ask things from me despite that; I liked to keep my picture clean and pristine. I was to be evil and cunning by many though I had done nothing wrong. However, if anyone came to know of my plan, they will ruin it and I don’t want that happening. This was the first plan I was ever making, and I didn’t want it ruined.
I went to see who it was because this house got no visitors but Kelly, the housekeeper beat me to it. She didn’t like me and she had made that evidently clear. Yet I enjoyed her company because it kept me entertained. Made me feel alive rather than being a distant memory or a ghost.
The brown hair at the door caught my attention. My eyes set on him, taking him in remembering him comparing him since the last I have seen him.
He talked to Kelly as they were long-lost friends which they weren’t. She was just around two years in this house while it had been more than that for me in his life.
Aaron Reid, the handsome, the dashing, one with the smile that made your heart flutter and one who wouldn’t care to talk to me anymore. He wouldn’t even look at me anymore si I had to remember from him a far. Ever since I had bound myself to this house, I had seen his friendship, anger, hatred, pity, worry, sympathy, sadness, frustration, and then again hatred or just plain dislike, all in the same order as I speak. He was the one whom who had been there for me. In reality he wasn’t supposed to be there when I needed him, to come to help when I called but he did. I thought I would have found someone to share my thoughts and loneliness with but it was wrong to think. All because of my morals who no one cared about but me. He had called me a coward which I have proven to be. What he wanted me to do went against the beliefs I was raised with. I wanted to laugh at the beliefs I was raised with because they have gotten my no where but in hell. Boundaries would have crossed with no point of return. I would have become a sinner, but that wasn’t what mattered. It was the fact that I would have gotten used to it and lived with the misery while drowning him with in it. My life didn’t matter to me but his did to me. It was for better we stopped talking.
I still remember those words.
“You know what Serilda, you are yourself to be blamed for the position you are in. It isn’t anyone’s fault but yours!‘’ He enraged his eyes burning with fury.
“I gave you my pity and sympathy but you are not damn worth it. You think that what you are doing will save you, change your life, God will reward you for it, you will have your happiness. You are so damn wrong. God doesn’t help cowards and courage less people like you. There is no fucking backbone in you. This pit of misery in which you cry in, you yourself dig it up. It’s your choice to stay in there and you always will!” His words were nothing but pure anger.
“What you are suggesting to do goes against my own rules and morals Aaron. It isn’t a choice you ask, it is degrading myself to a level that they have gone down too. You already know how everyone thinks of me and I can’t have seen me looking at with more hatred and loathing. So stop with this madness.” Was this what this had come to?
“Do you think anyone would damn care? No one fucking cares about you Serilda when would you understand that. No one fucking calls you not even your parents. People already talk rubbish about you, they wouldn’t fucking care what you do not after how she humiliated you that night coming with in the party.” The sharp words hit me so hard that I felt my soul tearing apart. The heart already broken and battered from the downfalls life has given me. There wasn’t anything left in it to break, no pain that I could suffer. With his support, I thought I could find the broken pieces of my heart and glue them back but no he was tearing the last thing I had, my soul.
“I won’t do it, Aaron, I will not let myself down to that level. It won’t make me happy or effect anyone but it would break me! I won’t be able to see myself in the mirror and it only proves what they say about me true.” I cried out. Aaron laughed at this, looking at me in anger. Those eyes where I find sympathy and pity and once love for me were fuming at me. He was hurting me and I wanted him to stop.
“You are not worth my worry and my words. All you are thinking about is this fucking society and your self-respect. For the outer world, which you don’t have any. We both know what happens outside this house but you just want to close your eyes and live in this glass house drowning yourself in misery. You will never grow a backbone Serilda. You will always be the last resort, not the first-ever. I showed you the way to becoming first but you don’t want it. It is because of your own self you have turned into nothing. I just can’t spend my energy on you anymore. They have already broken all boundaries and vows there isn’t anything holdin’ you back so tell me would you come or this is goodbye.” The bitter truth was killing me, his words were eating me from inside slashing my soul. He was my last hope, but I was losing him. If I did what he wanted, then I would lose myself. It was the battle between hope and my morals.Morals who no one cared about me.
“I won’t do this, Aaron. I still have myself to answer.” He laughed at this and shook his head in frustration.I couldn’t become a sinner.
“Goodbye Serilda. I hope one day you will break your own rules and see what I mean. The day you do that I would talk to you again. Until that, I don’t know you, and neither want to see you.” There were many tears in my life for future months in my life. My morals won but my hope got lost.
That was the last I talked to him. Every time I tried to talk to him he treated me as a stranger. He didn’t smile at me or acknowledged me which was the new reality for us.The worst part was he became like others but atleast I could take his hatred.
I went to block his way just to have him talk to me and look at him closely whenever he came which was rarely once in a blue moon. Even he treated me as a stranger just like others did. I had learned to live with it as I had with everyone else. His laugh brought me back to the present. He was laughing along with Kelly and I was just an outsider to this friendly moment. Leaving her at the door he walked upstairs. Either he hadn’t seen me or was doing an outstanding job at ignoring me.
“Hey Aaron,” I greeted blocking his path. HE was still the same man who had been my everything. I smiled hoping that at least he would scowl at me. Bottom line was that I welcomed his anger, but I got nothing from him. He just waited for me to step away looking past me.
“What are you doing in my house? Came here to meet me.” This was my house which was a lie because this was golden cage, my prison.
“This isn’t your house.” The words came but his eyes didn’t waver. They were still set on some imaginary point. I wish if he could just look at me.
“No, this is my graveyard.” Not even an ounce of emotion from him and it pinched me. His emotionless voice irritated me. Every time he regarded me as nothing but a stranger hurt me but who was I to blame. This was all my doing.
“I need to pick some papers for Erik.” He said moving past me going to the study. Couldn’t he just show his annoyance with me rather than no emotions? I would stop bothering him if he did that. Happy knowing that I affected him somehow. I stood there as he went in and came back. There was nothing more important to me than seeing him. As he walked towards me to go down, I looked at him. Taking in the subtle changes in his face, his hairs and the way he maintained the distance between us now.
“Did you get the wedding invitation too?” He halted and looked at me for minutes before he answered.
“I replied with a no.” For the first time in a year, I wasn’t feeling alone. It felt like he was with me on my side, with me. There was hope for us. He was what I had left. I stepped away with a smile on my lips as he started descending the stairs.
“I’m going to make you notice me again Aaron,” my words halted his steps. He didn’t turn, but he knew what I meant. He stood there for minutes, I wanted him to say something anything but nothing came. I watched him walk away all the while Kelly gave me the hardest glare she could. Only when he was slipping out the door, he looked up at me and that was enough for me. I was going to do what he wanted but only after I had done what I needed too. The loneliness after losing him and everything else has pushed me to edge of insanity. I was going to lose what was left of me and if I survived, I knew I would at least have him to stand beside me.
“Stay away from him!” Kelly warned from the door with anger in those eyes. I just rolled my eyes at her. This was the drama I had to go through every time with her. Kelly hated me and I hated her just because she hated me. Before her, there was Martha who lived nearby, but she was old and she retired because it was for the best. Martha had been the closest I had as a friend, though she was thirty years my elder. There came a time when I asked her to take retirement and go. It became necessary because I knew I was pulling her down in my misery. It became hard for her to see me losing me in the pit of misery. Still she had stayed, and that was enough for me. I cared for her so for the best I made her go.
I missed her but it was better with no connection between us and Kelly’s hatred kept me entertained. Giving me one last glare, she walked away, and I returned to my room. It was time for me to do what I was waiting to do.
Going through all my closet I couldn’t find a damn thing. Dress after dress I found nothing worth wearing to the game. I needed to go out shopping for something less designer. I didn’t need to change out of my dress to go out. Being a high profile had ingrained inside of me to always wear the best every time, even when I stayed at home. Taking my purse, I walked out of the house.
“I’m going shopping,” I called before slipping out of the door only to hear Kelly’s sharp words that she didn’t care. I drove straight to the strip, there wasn’t anywhere else I would go. Going inside the first shop I liked I picked out clothes that were less designer and simpler but still screamed expensive. Nathaniel shouldn’t be able to get his eyes off me with just a glimpse. I tried on dress after dress until I was happy with two pieces. No one cared about how much I spent but I still cared. I choose the one that saved me some dollars.
As I was going just getting ready to get out, the high-pitched voice of two girls reached my ears.
“Damn do you know how good he is in bed, Bree. He was God, the devil, and what not. My throat went sore from screaming out his names in pleasure. I wasn’t able to walk the next morning and the best part I get him for the rest of the week.” One of them said as I walked out. They both looked like models, which I was sure they were.
“You make me jealous girl,” the other laughed.
“Who won’t be? I would have begged, slash that become his slave just to have him marry me if he already wasn’t. He gave me his card to shop, he wants something sexy.” They both were going to pay for their clothes and I followed them. I just wanted to hear what they were saying. It let me knew about what was going around me.
“Do you know who his wife is? All I know is that she is a bitch and living somewhere in Europe. I mean she left him two years back. Gone and never came back.I don’t think anyone even remembers how she looks any longer.”
“Yeah, that’s what I have heard but I think she is really ugly too ,that makes her husband go out to please himself in arms of other women. I pity her but maybe I shouldn’t. I mean it would cut my way down if she came back. It has been over than three years since anyone has seen her last was in some party where her own blood had humiliated her. I’m sure they would get divorced soon too, maybe.” They both laughed at this but I just couldn’t. Their words were cruel for whoever they were for. I pitied the woman in context. Maybe she wasn’t that bad, and they were all making it up. I bet they haven’t met her and were believing the lies that this false society fed.
“Well, her loss others gain. You have a sexy man with deep pockets to bang, Sasha and you like him. What else more one would want?” Some sanity and manners maybe.
“Yep. I get to warm his bed whenever he is free. I have no idea why he doesn’t take me to his home but whatever. I hope his wife divorces him so I can have him all to myself because sometimes I feel really awkward to be with him, a married man I mean. His wife isn’t doing anything and after what she did, which I might add was truly horrible I think he should get his marriage annulled or something. She isn’t even here and maybe she would have been dead and no one cared. I just wish he becomes single again anyhow.” That was so low. I wanted to give these women a piece of my mind about minding their own business but I controlled. If I end up in jail because of a cat fight no one will come to bail me. So, I had to swallow my anger and wait for them to leave with their things. They looked at me with smiles which I returned with one of the best fake smiles as they waited for their things to be packed..
“Charge it to this card,” Sasha gave the card and the name over it caught my eyes.
I felt like I was choking on my breath. I wanted to vomit out all the contents of my stomach. As those women pick their things and got out, I gave my dress for billing and paid for it. I felt pain as if someone has just pinched me. I did what I always did the best. I grew numb because every time I thougth of him I remembered how he had been the reason behind to the depth of darkness I had once floated in. That darkest place in my mind where any other pain I could feel wasn’t comparable to what I had felt. There was this agony I burned in always but I no longer cared. Why? Because I couldn’t, not after the truths I have known. There wasn’t much that could broke me. I made my worst pain my strength, and that’s how I survived in this life where even my blood wasn’t my own. Where no relationship mattered. Where I existed but not lived.
I had already burned in the agony and let it destroy me, break me and batter me. Nothing could compare to what I had to bear because of him, them and everyone else and now I only hoped I could pay them back with the same intensity as they had hurt me.