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Chapter 10

Having girls circumcised is hard because it is the pain after intercourse and some even die while having babies. Because the passage is closed that is when the pains are so bad the woman die.

That when grandmother saw me she knew.

I do not know how she knew but one look at me made her scream.

I had gone to Cyprus she said she said that it happened and narrowly killed mother. Her own child. Yes she had her in hospital and did not say a thing about it. That she could do this to us to my heart to my blood. She can do this filth she has done this murderess thing?

Grandmother did not stand alone she stood like the devil.

“It is you who made her like that.”

“It is always been ugly you my handsome beautiful devil of a son.”

“You did all this the cause of all this?”

“She went to kill him.”

“I said no. Grandmother do not.”


“Do not kill that.”


“Do not kill him.”

She sagged.

Just like a doll would the inflatable ones which he had thought about when in his younger days he wanted a sex toy. Now this woman a wife sagged was sagging on him like that doll. Whatever was life for? One paid the price of everything and then this comes out. This comes out of the blue there is no reason nor rhyme this is without the folly one has got through the folly of not thinking that one’s acts can rebound.

“One giant step for mankind.”

“What is the giant step.“?

“We went to the moon us now the best lovelies in the whole of history and now we whet the appetites and ten to one we are all bisexual.”

“No not true not at all. Have a think.”

“Those lovelies are Lesbians.”

“No not true.”

I have to explain the thing is I do not know who is the son who is the daughter your guess is as good as mine. We call her mother or grandmother and they are all into each other. So do not say another word. They are after me again them grandmothers.

“Well do not go out.”

“Moron how I’m I going to the shops that?”

“And to the hospital.”

“Think before you speak.”

You see the beautiful man there looked like my adopted father but he was not. He looked like him but he was not him because he now sat on the floor naturally and did not even notice that he had.

Father did not sit on the floor his trousers would have creased causing him distress.

He did not sit on the floor? Never he would say it made him look not well made him sick for some reason he not from Anatolia he more than that.

In Anatolia they sit round the little table with the pot and this he would not do? Not in the hospital he had set standards of doing things. He thought it not him he even had a chair when all the chairs in our house broke.

Impersonation yes of course because when my adopted father dying the uncle as he now known as sat down and did the very spitting image of the adopted father.

Even wearing the same cardigan. Even the same handshakes? Yes even had the same yellow lines on his fingers? Yes even down to that. Even had the same smell after shave yes of course. The very same? The very same he must have sold it to him in the market.

Dad would forget for a moment and uncle would start. Then he would take the same attitude then he would speak softly the uncle would say too softly too then he would drag his smoke in the same manner. That they did not say much but were talking about Turkish Politicians.

“His son is named after the Bulent President.”

“Yes he is into constant political manoeuvres.”

“Unluckily he did not get on?”

“He died.”

“His wife took over his presidency.”

“Made the decisions then they discovered she had created the party in the first place.”

“He was the leader but she had made the party.”

“The party got banned.”

“Because the woman had made the party and her nobody elected because she had no children and was a painter and thinker.”

“Not our sort?”

They sat together doing each other’s impersonation, Smoking the same kind of cigarette and talking the same kind of politics. The mirror was how to make the cigarette in the correct arm so that it did not look odd but he went through this. The ash tray got so full it was not on. It spilled over than auntie did a clean up or someone did it could have been me.

Aunt said,” why she spoilt the circle of it?”

I emptied it placed it then it began again.

Even sharing the same coffee and doing the same wise words. They said no more whiskey at night interfered with all that healthy living. Yes they can be mirror image rubbing each other’s images in.

The wife was high on the entertainments. She did not speak so dully her eyes lit up but she just did the normal talking and side long glances did she give. They sat in perfect sober sides doing these double images which set the whole thing up.

It reminded me when mother had said he was a joker which meant he would take chairs underneath fat ladies.

The wedding of our very own family member on the father’s side, so romantic and all that. Yes she had married high in status. Grandmother’s ex husband the renowned leader the prime Minster the president. The leader of our people.

All the presidential dash will be here. How interesting he wants to meet you? What a good idea. Her former husband? Grandmother looked pink and ladylike. I felt she must be giggling something she looks green than.

They took what they wanted and made me into what they had become useful to them a vessel I became this zombie I am female that is what happens to a defenceless female she becomes a what they want.

This zombie went to weddings did all the manner of the things and did nothing but be this docile thing.

He guest there the honoured guest. He is breeding like something he is multiplying as if in there and here constantly he is doubling himself as if just walking by makes his thinking the most popular thing to be. He is like some kind of groove which they want to be because they have everything when with him. He gives them all they want everything they ask for protects them.

Then the radio asking if anyone had blood saying the group and I recognised that mother was dying. We left the wedding at once and went to the mother.

“Do you want her to live?”

“What choice is this?”

“Why ask me is it not her job to do her best?”

Did the nurse just ask me that question?

“Grandmother did she just say that?”

“Why is this blood bath?”

“What are you all putting this responsibility on my shoulders. Do not you all have a court a judge someone to do their jobs or duties to the human race?”

“Does this mean because now I am beautiful and grown up I can commit murders?”

“Could you all please stand out of our way?”

“Look it is not easy in the Bible it says do not murder.”

“It is the first base sin. That means you all going straight to hell?”

“She harmed you?”

“What she do?”

“She has done you in.”

“Grandmother had her egg removed is mine the same?”

“Is the child allowed to commit murder so that you can all be?”

“I am not murdering that?”

“She has done this to you?”

“Well can you make me better?”


“Well she can be of use can’t she?”

“Where should we put it?”


“You could do all you want tonight?”

“All is there some tea?”

“The thing was not that.”

The sisters reject school cry all the time because they want to stay indoors and be together happy. They are not disgraced. They are happier than ever. Their bath time is full. That mother washes them as they are high with sex.

When the social worker comes. The thing is not over.

The babies are not here? No they are never going to be babies any more. They will not behave like babies? They are always together. Stuck together as if glued.

It just began.

“Clean the two rooms it is your wedding night.”

“Wedding night?”

“Yes wedding night.”

“I am too young to be wed.”

“But it is your wedding night.”

“Bridal behaving has been noticed and this is the outcome.”

“Where did it leave the memories? The memory disappeared. I left memory when we went out of the house I clean closed it from my mind. I just went to another place.”

Snatches come snatches.

If a zombie does not obey her injections are topped up beware you have to live within your means that the family love you not.

The family love me not forget me into knots get me not into knots.

I catch there is not much else to speak about the goldfish is me. No you have a better memory than that? My teacher said. Smiled at me. Why how come she knows me? Why do everyone know who is me when they are complete strangers.

They are all strangely similarly smiling at me familiarly? Yes they appear to know who I am. Who I was who this me is? I want to know who I am. I am who?

Why they look knowing at me. Snatches. There are snatches of this and that. Memory is amnesia. It is called amnesia?

“Who shook me?”

It was them the Turkish Mafia.

Blackmailed the whole of Britain they did.

“We are thinking of ransoming you off.”

“On eBay?”

“Sorted the social worker.” said mum.

“How did you sort out the social worker?”

“Knew her from the hospital she was not the patient was she?”

“In the venereal clinic?”

“Of course meant so much recognising her.”

“What she doing in that hospital?”

“Never you mind.”

“Well it would have been over for us if you had not been able to?”

“Well but now it is like we can out think the system.”

“Out think them when did we be allowed to do that?”

“We can go in and worm our way.”

“Worm like?!”

“Yes worm our way in.”

“It was a bit of luck having that stay in?”

“Yes it was.”

“Luckily you had me booked in?”

“I was taking precautions.”

“Well so it seems?”

“So it appears.”

“So it will make me richer than rich.”

“Useful things sex.”

“No use trying to out think the system?”

“Why me not worth it?”

“You will be not the richer they are clever?”

“Are they?”

“Yes they are very domestic and organised and can become dirty with the law.”

“So we get my law relations in?”

“What would it mean to them?”

“I will ask them?”

“We are working like clappers and now we have the right of entry.”

“We can busk in the connection.”

“One thing will lead to another until we have them all.”

“Always wanted a nurse.”

“All to yourself?”

“Why yes.”

“She is not a nurse she is social worker.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means she does something completely different?”

“Like what?”

“She gives time and advice and money takes children away?”

“Even better is it not?”

“I hope she sends you back.”

“You will have to come too.”

Fancy seeing the same woman at University? I think it was her? I think it must be her the same hair style. The same matter of fact. The same lack of scruples. The same faculty of lacking in sympathy. When they see my paints out and how very fetching they can’t resist. I sold this one when I was so heated with the view this view. Yes the man came asking what it was when he saw the painting he wanted to buy it. I said not finished with the paint come to our place. He came with his friend and wife and they were suitably impressed. We are now friends.

The vulgar mock greetings the lack of response to normal paper work the same in depth lack of sat in the same corner making huge withdrawals advances and all that? The means is where the money comes from somewhere.

The tenant has the iron and breaks a few pots he is vulgar. The tenant leaves without paying the full price she thought he a gentleman who would never do that. Has the cleaners in and is despairing.

Why they do not have the place just right then goes to John Lewis has the iron seen to and buys other things. This other tenant would do not that.

When in fact all round the thing included me? Yes so it appears there is the same sort of personality.

The same sorry states of being.

“More medication?”

“More and most definitely more we see this and the other which nobody can make well again.”

“I am that unwell?”

“Yes definitely.”

The uncertainty of who she is appealing of course but what is she? Always thinking me on the train being sent to her exhibition nearing the line when me set upon.

I sell more on them trains meet strangers we chat and they come over and buy the paintings. Look I wrapped them this way.

There is this always unease.

The head is called Peter and Peter never said a word at all.

Now she is called the counsellor and she is good at counselling.

The same sort of lack of emotional depth in the transaction as if a gullible person a woman whom did not exist except as the main thing in the chair.

What is known as the Picasso syndrome? I do not know what is? You are into pornography pronto add to this the Picasso inside does desire the very same things. Why? All them males or females on the internet having a thing inside when they are watching others mate. Well when they form the reality of a reality of the real?

Where does space come into all this place. Where does place add to who we are? What one does with the space. What does one feel when control is not your own?

A wife of Solomon took the decor and the queen felt more deflated than if he had swore at her. He went over head when she the queen in the palace. Her father was a king her brothers were in the next valley enjoying her dowry.

The second would be concubine did the decor in the palace and she said after twenty years.

“We are through.”

She had behaved like a queen Sheba and what does the man do? He has the maid servant come and tell her this is better? She goes to the husband and he says she knows better than me?

He giddy of the nights and answers she does.

Her children behind their dad and she flies off the handle. She leaves taking her precious jewels and all that. The husband climbing down goes with their children. The children are attacked and die. Sheba raped and she is now heaving the dagger into her heart.

“She dies.”

“Of course she had died for his eyes did not see her when she is dying he feels how beautiful she still is.”

“He looks at her dying face and this makes him look at her again. Her dying pallor her lack of any make up her hair done in the right way. She is ever so beautiful he fears her death for the first time.”

“She sighs and this makes her happiest.”

“Yes she wants him to remember her as he now does.”

“The fickleness of his life his wife now dead.”

“Yes she died.”

“He had five hundred children and thousand wives.”

“He did it best he had the king Solomon’s mines.”

When does place come into this? Place is when you have control. It is the controlled what pleases you about place that gives you the feeling of contentment. Relaxation it is right is it not? It is what you do in the space allocated to you. That matters to the personal happiness that you have. But the behaviourist environmentalist said we are happiest in the closures which are meant to bring us happiness.

A experiment in the Open University showed that a man or woman taking objects and placing them where they want them to be is the things which makes them happiest. You see it seems to matter to the personal happiness the goals are achieved and they work better.

The perfect environment brings us happiness. Yes you see in a hotel we are happiest. When we have the right of taking us outside then we go home. So when we remember the hotel? It is happy memory which our money buys. Time outside the usual. So what does it mean? Two weeks. After that we are almost rooted to the same things same smiles. We must have the normal life again. No children okay is everything right with the world. No it is the filthy rich who think hotels are their homes. Because the beast has money so he has perfect control.

Well what does it do to them as sexual partners. All their lives they have been sort of alone with this porn star or that or doing the one night stand or this and the other. Then this verbal comes in when there is no standing room at all.

Verbal live wires the hairs standing on end. Well the shit is that he wants some more kindly meant words. To make him feel better. A little others who say what a smile what a man he is. In fact his standing orders are many and coming.

Well the other night he got nearly rammed in and there is not much in itself he could have been killed. That made me feel that tonight is the night to take again. As this will add to exciting thrills and make me feel like I am wanted.

Having the shared exciting things to look forward to as my house is laid to waste with asbestos as others discuss the money I have earned. Now they are more economical with the money. It takes a while to discuss matters not your own.

Anyhow the man standing looking like he meant to be in the art world making off with the good Turkish embassies of cultures. For Islam it is not the art work but the obedience to the authority in the house which matters. Others in the world do not ask for anymore. You see a man having sexual intercourse with anything in the house means he is paying for the things in the house.

I have worked all my life so that somehow I am not in this position. It is his when a wife is not his? Well we do have friendships we do have friends. We do things in the civilised world. But if we are murderers? We then have the law enforced.

So women in the household who pay for the things? We are not amused.

When culture is not their way of life but obedience to authority as this does not include me.

“One must obey them in authority”?

“Yes we must be obedient to them.”

“Yes we are obeying orders.”

“Because if one pays for the things in the household one is able to have sex with it?”

“Does that what it means?”

“It is what they Muslims think.”

“We are in that position then?”


“So we get rid of art and culture and behave naturally?”

“In that way we make progressive behaviours work.”

“One thing leads to others and then we have the feast night.”

“Which is when our mothers take over.”

“My mother is a good cook.”

“So is mine.”

“We are all good cooks.”

“We all cook right broths.”

“Yes we do.”


“Yes all in the skewers.”

“Lovely the herds come in?”

“We got two here.”

“Dying to get on the skewer.”

“To be kebab.”

I am done for, So one way or the other we are getting rid of this and that.

The major before walking made me shudder okay so they want to have this and that and making off with everything? It is not allowed? Why not in England. We do what we like to do and take what we do not earn. And if we do it is not nice to earn what one does make as this makes you a fool.

To look like an idiot is not the thing or the way? When we are the most crooked country in the world. House insured of course he now can take everything you own and give you a pound and a hotel to stay in.

Look the doctors have the best systems in the world. They can say shame on you your mum is not insane she is behaving like a mum. Well does it include sex? Of course when she mated with your father. Did not hear that she wants sex? With of course who?

I meant no disgrace but when me sisters come they share things with her. No they do. That way they are part of what she is. Well it is only nature. Well is it human nature or the other things? What things? We are all beasts when it comes down to it. We are sorry the doctors have got a new doctrine when in doubt do it with everything. That is what it means do it all?

At the co op a woman can handle the benefits money if she gets discontinued. Her child benefit is the main concern as the cashier and she say words. I mean we are now all inclusive.

So the virtual reality of the baby dolls having not much to say but what to wet appetite and then suddenly this odd man with a pair of eyes looking very upset at you. When you say words like lacking in real passion or even taking things like things he does for you.

When he could have had so much more pleasing time. Add to this the rudeness the glares the glaciness. The glazier the glassed ceiling not up to standard this. Is not the thing wanted needed or you are inadequate. I can’t feed him as I think and shake with the degree of self hatreds which leaves me baffled as if the failures of me has got me into troubles so deep.

That I am sinking like a ship. My house has asbestos and they are all discussing the pounds as this is pounding and pounding me as the reality of terrors when worked for these all ones life only to think someone without a care can carefully with humour come and make it house of cards.

My dear sister said as she had been a child of some tender years when you want something like this look all the matches in a box and tinder and tinder. I can light in one go. So of course this is the new tinder house and she is holding the match stick.

As this is the new way to treat the ill tempered and other things.

The failures of mankind is being so unkind.

When we are softly spoken. We are better than that?

“Red carpet treated?”

“Yes it is cleaner than ever.”

“Let them walk over the red carpet and feel our applause.”

“Yes the red carpet treatment.”

“Such popular couple.”

“Give them a round of applause.”

“For being together more than anyone else in the business.”

“Yes they walk together work together they are together what do they find to say to each other”?

“Yes it is very original being them.”

“Working together night and day.”


“We are always together?”


“It did not occur to her before?”

“Oh my God.”

Of course so much better. No use to excite yourself it is not right to be so upset. The thinking is calm down and make an esteem thing great.

The gravity of the situation. Is that everyone is madder but them saying polite words. Shouting is not the way at all it jars on my nerves.

The shouts is out than? Me into thinking deep thoughts. Silenced at birth? The birth cries of dying love. It is dying my love for him? Yes it was there but now he is silly. He is so silly I am not into him. It is bringing me into sweats just thinking what he is now saying to the woman whom he calls his wife. He is fucking her he said so he is fucked up.

It is not nice they are couple. He needs to fuck her and be with her. It is over rated this love? Yes it is over rated. He is over rated. I should have gone out with German guy he kisses just the same. He kissed me just the same. I felt if he had not been without a home would have been with him.

They said in the Casablanca, “a kiss is a kiss.”

Now I think that is the truth nobody is the right one forever there is the end of love the beginning of something else someone else and that is what it should be otherwise it is not love but madness.

“Yes I think it is that too. Because if he is with her he is smiling at her well he is? So he is fucking his wife in front of me.”

They are doing a film but he is doing it the right way because he is the husband. He is doing this show with her his wife. He is not being anything but himself? Yes he is doing it for the film industry. He then gets laid with her. It is funny is it not? No it is over rated hell.

(A Casablanca a kiss is just a kiss a smile is just a smile.)

Of course how deep is your thoughts? Very deep they are too. Of course very deep concerns are you? Yes they say me not even wanted at the art exhibition as the things are mere impolite. We do not get on with you and it is not nice saying bad things about us.

But they are the most polite couple. She said showers on me the poems are worth that much money his wife said to me my poems are worth 25 pounds each fourteen poems must keep you in clovers. Dearest Mrs it is so good of you. I hope I have done my good deed to your ex girl friends. She did it best it is so cruel behaving like you two. How unkind the humanity is when they are over rated. Them chasing their blues coming to seek out what to do with their films? Oh you can do anything you feel like it is your film works. We do not want to interfere with good tastes and sense. We are not even making you a idea? No I have run out of ideas having become now published poet.

No need for all that?

His wife is being taken to a history lecture?

Yes where she fits in.

“Fits in?”

“Yes they two fit like gloves.”

Casablanca. Yes it is Casablanca.

Yes of course everyone so polite? We share everything even our birthdays. We dislike yours. It does not commingled with the rightness of behaviours. We now like to think as obligatory in fact abnormal is you. So tender is it not?

The crime of passion is this what makes France say crime of passionate is only two years in prison.? Is this geared to people with peerages?

The very words politeness makes me shudder why they are absurd? The doctor has the right words too? Of course he is never upset.

Two hands two fingers or the other thing? Of course he is doing his job.

I mean a one night stand or this other beings who are full of praise him praise him is not true. I mean we are here fanning his arse and taking his assets.

Now this cow has landed him in trouble. Not the thing to do. Fan club is not nearby. Anyone for something more decently spoken.? Nice to see you to see you nice?

As human nature is dying from natural causes we are now thinking how to calm the nerves.

So I think why not have the same joys we had last night. A little cars passing out when they narrowly grab the steering engine or the other things might make us the enjoyments. Which we lacked. I meant not that of course we now cruising in the sheer joyous feelings.

Which are the excitements we so adore. A little mad pride or the other stuff? Something else to do away with boredoms? Anyone else for another night like this and then we can get it on.

A little hacksaw or the mother in law trying to preen herself as this? When we can then get along Friday the 13th and then we can enjoy the little martini or the lemons and add spice to life. The rest is ordinary and we do not do ordinary.

What else does one carve when we are all into high balls.

Well off it he goes panting for more things to do. He needs to do other things in order to stock up on his morality or aptitudes.

Playing tennis or some golf. ? Anyone for the other things.?

I thought a little pick me up with the ladies taking the cars and cramming beside us? No it is not nice thinking such things. Why not? They are ladies and do not do such meanness. Off side is it? Well the things are all failures.

No we are not failures more millions than anyone. Drowning would mean now we can all wave at the same time?

Yes we are all into this? We made this world great. Our greatness is we are so clever. Intelligent is artificial intelligence. We are now more robots than we were, Robots can do better paintings than anyone. Look it is not true? We are certain it is true they have the fine line detail.

Zombies cannot feel pain they can’t they are not meant to we as the poor mad people don’t feel anything but the injections and like a fish we are permanently swimming in our goal fish bowl.

Someone broke the fish bowl and we all did not understand it how brave he was I thought.

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