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Chapter 2

Fidol Castro was taken on to make do with all the sins of the Turkish fathers. The great Castro made his name as the worlds’ most economic leader who led the nation on nothing but good will and general co operation. What did the great Castro do to have all that? No in those days the cigar plantations were but minors and the Castro had sick population uneducated population a population who did not want anything but food medicine and generous hospitals.

The Turks being so stable with their opinions fixed about their leaders would make the ideal society of warriors who would kill for the second opinion and the messengers as well. What better people to set into the world than the Turks who did not want their ideology to be mixed with the facts of life?

“I went to school I was in school in the first school which The Great had given me us the Turks. I was in dormitories when the only nice things were girls who flushed down their babies down the toilets. I was the school boy chosen to be the star pupil.

I was the start of a new generation of scholars to set the blaze of glory. Indeed my wife the good woman led me to believe that her name meant love and honour to think we slept in the same bed for 3 and a half years and I believed in her honour. On the wedding night the honour bled from my thumb. I had to bleed the sheets while she laughed like a whore the educated whore she laughed on the bed writhing as I bled as I bled.”

“Oh I paid for that bed. I paid and paid that bed was the payment for the honour she had done me. I bled from those dormitories from the educated whores who give lawyers a bad name. I bled as she gave birth to the stars of the next generation for indeed we are blessed with loins which think we are in control of our seeds. To think we are indeed an honour to the kingdom we are the honour kings. I feel now that the only things which have any true meaning are little girls who give me their love the moment the child reaches twenty one she is gone from me has other ideas. No matter how good we made love no matter how she said she loved me indeed the more they love me the more the fights are. The moment she is twenty one off she goes.”

“And you know who started all this in me?”


“You’ll never guess?”


“He is in the photo spelling the new language.”

“Not him?”

“Yes the father of our land.”

“Don’t be absurd he would never do that not to children.”

“No but he liked to watch.”

“No more I can’t I won’t listen to all this it is barbaric the hero he will never do that?”

“Why is it because he looked so good?”

“No he gave his life for this Turks this is us because he was the glue who gave us honour.”

“Honour Turks don’t have any honour.”

“But you are a Turk?”

“Do I have any honour?”

“You must do you are not in prison.”

“How many men out there not in prison and murderers do you know?”

“No why ?”

“Do you know your own family?”

I blinked I did not know why I had tears in my eyes I blink at him and then startled out of the normality of this room which is the only familiar place I know. Without this familiar feeling I can’t be a person. The familiar room is who I am without that room I am nobody. A mind who has nothing at all no one to relate to. Nobody to feel or find familiar. The family this room is what makes me. This is the room where certain memories are triggered off. When I feel comfortable a child someone in a situation in a time frame in the way this is me this room.

This is the place I am familiar with and this is my familiarity this is the place I belong in that group in that situation in that way of life. I could not find myself anywhere else because I can’t think anywhere else. I am too busy feeling my way around to be able to think. This is the place I am safe enough to think and be a thinker otherwise I am like a thing in the basket going rattling round as if my mind is bizarre.

My family? My family it is as if a question yes my family. No it is not a difficult question it is such a easy question not like writing a essay it is a easy question with a easy answer.

“Well yes they are there in the next room sitting and watching the TV.”

“Education for woman is giving whores the weapons which will lead the other males into elation.”

“My family are in the next room? Are they not?”

“Just as well you don’t know where your family is at?”

“In the sea?”

“Read any Agatha Christie lately?”


“Read the one about Halloween.”

“I have read that is it in the well the one who died gets thrown in the well? The foreign girl who was given the rich woman’s gold because the family let her down is that the one I am thinking of.”!

“Why are you anxious?”

“I am not breathing correctly.”

“Breathe down in the tongue.”

“Get your penis from my back.”


“I don’t know it seems strange it seems strange.”

“Like I am someone who is a relative?”

“What I hope not.”

“You hope I am not a relation?”

“Well yes.”

“I am so old is that it?”

“Why do you think that?”

“You think I am from the mummified state?”

“No not at all.”

“You think I belong with the pyramids?”

“Well don’t you?”

“My dear they were thousands of years ago.”

“Oh that is a relief.”


“Well that you are indeed less than a thousand years old.”

“My dear I want to go out with you?”

“Oh really we will all go for a drive.”

“That is not what I meant?”

“What did you mean I am hungry it is nothing personal dinner time.”

“Well I am beaten by dinner time?”

“When we are alone together I will make you dine in style.”

“Oh I am glad look forward to all that? I prefer fish and chips myself.”

“Damn you don’t you say that to me I know you are a whore. I know what you are where you came from. I know what made you say all that the way you say those things the thinking behind those words I know your mother.”

“Yes I know you know my mum. She is the woman next door?”

But he does not like my mother keeps on calling her a small woman who wore high heels to make herself look thin and tall. What a thing to say now he says she is something like a temptress maybe he has fallen in love with her? Maybe mum is growing on him? Maybe he will marry her and be a kind husband to her. Indeed she says he is an educated man indeed he is he is a great speaker and has such a distinctive style.

What style indeed he is full of shakes? Is he on drugs then? He is on something but then I must not interfere with your life? Why my life? Indeed it is of no concern what girls get up to? I am upset by this as if she was a toilet lady in Rome or something. I had this image of a lavatory attendant I do not know why the room shook.

The table stood in his way as if I did not know how I got over to that side of the table? The little something was cast on the ground how did it get there. I shook or something there was a moment when I felt like saying something rude or beastly did not want to but in fact his lover like manners left a lot to be desired I had banged my head on something which felt a bit bruised.

“Mr Erturk the girl is calling again the one who is your friend.”

“Yes I am coming. I have got to go.”

Mum likes violent men I thought that was the reason I thought about violent men in that order there is nothing on my mind but to figure out a way to sort all this lustful passionate embraces which were causing me to lose working time on my book writing and thinking time. In fact him having this violent feelings towards me was making me the joke of everything.

I had no time to figure out a way round this I did not know why I had to be gentle with him. Mum said we owed him a lot for his feeding us when she had been away. But in fact I had done the cooking and the social security had paid them bills.

So why he took the credit was beyond me. Mum she said he had done the form filling but in fact he said we had land in Cyprus and not to pay us anything.

Indeed why I was thinking of my mum when we were supposed to be in a passionate embrace is a disgrace to me. Maybe I am falling in love with my mum? There mum we are in love. Indeed I want to smile it is so strange. The look he gave me was one of such loathing in fact it was like someone a wild beast mad with rage was looking down at me. The glimpse went I did not know was he in love or was it hate? Why what did I do to him?

“I think I make him feel not like a man?”

I must not do that it is strange him not being a man? I am making him feel not like a man? What did I make him feel like then? I am making him feel less than a man? I am not a good woman because he does not feel like a man. I must be not good to make him feel not like a man I am a woman who must make him feel like a man? Why? Because he said he feels for me and it is my duty to return that feeling it is a honour he has done me to us to all the family to give such feeling for us when he is inordinately important?

I am not as important because he has got a degree and has been around he is more important than me? That is because he is an important person with a degree and has such a good idea of everything round the literature world. That he is indeed such a important man and I must lay with him.

“I am writing a book.” I said.

He answered, he will send to a publisher then he said he would make me a literary genius.

“Indeed I can’t wait I will be so happy then I can become Collette!” She who wrote Gigi the best musical in the industry. Those Caviller men he twirled his hat so and then walked the walk thank heavens for little girls they grow most beautiful. Thank heavens for little girls. Oh Mon Cherie the French the taste the fashion the glamour the things beneath the tarts the little hats.

You see children grow up so fast.

I keep on getting the same clothes that my ex’s wife has had it is unbelievable it is annoying too.

“How does it happen?”

“I go to this shop and take what I think is a good buy then the thing is it is goodbye to my money.”

It was just like Ascot’s I thought. That is in England they don’t have them here in Britain? No thank God for that. I thought most distracted by now. The thing is becoming confusing like some congealed thing like fat or lard or something. I did not like it true there is this feeling of fat of lard of someone not thinking straight is there something wrong with me?

I must say it is most bizarre who is this Collette indeed she is a lesbian? Why? She was a married to a man who stole her work then she went to court had him un-sign the books then she hopped it and loved women.

“I think human nature is basically very cruel the more aristocratic one gets the crueller it gets.”

“Do not say that we are human pussies.”

“Do you mean all women?”

“We are man too.”

“In the same person?”

“I am not going to answer that I don’t understand it for example how do you mean?”

“About what?”

“About pussies?”

“I had a school friend like that once she was into pussies too.”

She went to the Cabaret and sang and danced like them tarts on the shows which we all like to sing to and she was eighteen when she married her first husband who stole her work from her. She had pigtails then and she wore her hair so and she was as innocent as I am now.

Then poor Collette fell in love she fell in love.

She fell in love with this doctor who she said made her feel like a woman. They married. Their mistake she said to marry a male, when one was not quite right. For he knew every thought and failing she had.

The doctor who died of cancer because she was too experienced. In fact every time they made love she had more expertise and this made him smoke himself to death.

Collette bad girl she is wicked. She allowed him to smoke himself to death. What could have stopped it from happening? They made love he went and smoked then he dies of cancer. She does not respond with anything but sadness as if she did not have the power to have stopped it from happening. She appealed to her audience what for-what for?

The expressive hands and all that? It is sad is it not what became of him a man who fell in love with me and I with him but did it work out? No it did not and rot it is better this way I am still able to shag women as well as men and that is pleasurable. My God is it not delightful to be alive? Of course the husband who was a stern man did not could not appreciate the wine like quality which is I? I am a decanter of the purest sweetest of the most expensive thing.

“Is expensive good quality?”

But my having such a good opinion of myself was not shared by others. The little man looking at me in such a way said to me as if nothing to do with me. I felt such a distressed thing as if there was something in my breast a sting a adder or something. The sting in my throat the sting in that room such a feeling as if the mutton had gone off some place the mutton what mutton there was no meat in the room.

“Yes what a strange thing to say? I am extremely jealous or should be? I will act jealous then feelings will come? I am now acting most jealous. I am filled with such jealous thoughts. I wonder if I should read the War and Peace in chapters or get on with the whole book? I am extremely

“A cold woman with nothing no feelings at all.”

All the females I have known and some men say this over and over again.

“A cold unfeeling woman.”

“Without feelings at all.”

“Not Colette she had sensitivity.”

“Yes most women do.”

“Where is the cold feet?”

“I did not mean your feet.”

“Cold and unfeeling.”

I can’t seem to feel anything towards that man who is supposedly dying for the love of me? Indeed I think his feelings are extremely powerful. He is in love with me? He has no shame in saying this to me? Indeed it is a love match? I am in love with him and he is older than anybody I know. Therefore he is most wise?

The old are the wisest things in the world one must respect their opinions and sure things they say! I know it is wise to do all that? Did he make a mistake or is it a misunderstanding for my part? I am young so I am silly. I am a silly girl without much experience therefore I don’t know what I am thinking. I shall be taken into his capable care and cared for because he is older and wiser.

We will go on a holiday for it is his wish to see how I am coping with being a girl? I am eighteen and need to do something in order to make my mark on the world no use being a wall flower?

A wall flower is a reject of society therefore the industry can’t cope with rejects. I did not know there was an industry? Is it a factory producing what? We are production industry what are we producing is it eggs? To hatch the chicks but he said he does not know which comes from which? So did the chicken come first or the egg?

“There is another child here. I thought she was in the other room? No she was over here. No where is the other baby? In fact there is no other baby. Where did she go she could not have wandered off by herself? When did she get there? Look I can swear she had been in that room in that place with this woman who is called that?

Now she is someplace else with this other woman whom is holding her in the same manner? What no who could this other woman be? She quietly feeds her with the same kind of bottle feed but with a slight difference the milk is slightly different as if she has something wrong with her digestion.

Where is the same child in two arms in two women arms and why do they look exactly the same with the same clothes with the same blanket which you wove and with the same lace on the blanket? The same initials on that blanket with the same colour. “

“Mum could not have woven two blankets at the same time sheer industry is not her strong point.”

“Two blankets in the same style no she could not have done that.”

I remember years afterwards mum doing five big mattresses for Christmas she is handy with her needle and when she has a point to make her industry is like an industrial revolution. When she made six of those mattresses in one week for Christmas present her moving needle her industry her pace. The look on her concentrated eyes her brow filled with nothing but the venom of that needle as it moved as it paced as it searched to bring memories the memories hidden for forty odd years.

I can’t shake off the feeling of those hidden violent needlework as if the needlework is the weapon as if the little stranger who attacked me as if on call like a dog was not the same thing who hid as a child behind the door. Was it the shared twin the little girl now grown white with age and unkempt with the bulge in her stomach with them eyes of hers or is it some sort of misfit some sort of strange imagining of something not quite right about it all? Was it the same call the same attack the same stressors of the mother calling her like something trained by her?

“Here come and there she is there in the flesh attacking as she had done as a infant as a child?”

“Is it human is that what it is? Madness trained even made into a weapon so that they can beget the food that has been earned? Unwanted relative? Train someone mad to attack then make that attack a mystery? It is a mystery why the attack took place how did it happen was away.”

“The attack took place was away not aware did not happen?”

“Police took not there was a argument the mum sat in the garden the sister came from indoors attacked the degenerate who wants the inheritance. What other things happen? Nothing in English like that damn foreigners worse than Coronation street.”

“This is not a soap opera we are not running a soap opera we are now in the thrilling times after that drama queen the good old Hitchcock who gave us Psycho! No use beating about the bush old villains always beat the other villains. Why if villains don’t have the most gory things they dislike it intensely imagine not beating psycho? Why it would make their mother’s weep too little whiskey in their milk teeth. All them villains now educated in the psychos.

Now this is psycho the white teeth this is jaws this is the queen of the hearts! This is the damned? This is Hulk with his bigness green with envy. Spider man has had an accidental damage to his skin and made himself into a lifelong enemy of something forgot to switch his hydraulic or something? Was his dynamo not on? Well he got into his straight jacket with his cockles’ whatever next that must have been painful? Imagine the joker can’t stay? Well his cat woman has had to flee.

This is the fairy queen with her fairly white skin this is the milk mad with her lip gloss this is the duty officer that makes the arrests possible. You know these people are awful will you mind my saying there is too many like us decent folk? Imagine you sound just like a Russian? Don’t say that? Why the Russians only come out in the summer. Why is that? Their woollens make them too fat imagine all them cardigans makes them look difficult to be with. Not too many layers? Well it must be confusion KGB with them cardigans no wonder they make them stay indoors then no passport mistakes. Should not they hire some other guards? Waste of money they need it for building work. The Russians are very economical they are no need to waste things like not wanted and wearable and useful. Flats are what we need not open spaces. Cardigans very unattractive to see and the flats hide them things.

“Well if someone is in bloom?”


“Six months later they can still bloom?”

“Yes it can happen flowers permanently in bloom.”

“Love springs eternal.”

“Imagine all them flats with them desperate housewives?”

“I daresay love is permanent?”

“Well it can be very permanent like a smile?”

“Fixed smile?”

“Fixed smile.”

“Yes I can smile fixed with fixed fixtures and fittings.”

“Yes just like that doll?”

“Which has that fixed smile is fixed and furnished with the lip gloss and is permanent with the cardigans and oysters?”

“They don’t do oysters they have fruit and vegetables?”

“Indeed we daresay they do.”

“They also have uranium and buildings and great state crafts and good will to all mankind.”!

“They have plutonium.”

“Not unless you are a spy?”

“KGB knows the spies.”

“Unless it gets it wrong.”

“It never gets a damn thing wrong don’t be silly.”

“Flat share and everything in the desperate housewives it must be fun to be there.”

“No plane goes there the passport office in the West is closed. Due to room service and everyone having a fit or something.”


“Cambridge is pregnant.”


“Oh yes the army was called to make her pregnancy comfortable.”

“Was he?”

“Yes indeed national security. In case she hops it with the Godiva.”

“What did she have to hide?”

“Her ferret?”

“She never had a ferret anything.”

“No never did a day’s work like some women I know take them away from the work place and place them in a household and they come back looking exhausted.”

“They are busy talking all day.”

“Or in the trains travelling to work.”

“Or in their lovers arms.”

“This is a life.”

“Room 22 a room without a window so that they can come and go.”


“They were women who had husbands they needed a windowless room.”

“They all had to share the room?”

“Of course.”

Now we improve with courses of hot dinners and dining table manners as we make the Butlers stir and we do them royal proud. Due to Oxford being over- run we now make room at the Open University when the only credential is to be open. Oxford is expensive? Too expensive but they are catered for the rich. Unlike other places which has a sandwich bar. Some sandwiches might even be less than three pounds. Now that is cheap is it not? Yes cheaper than what one might pay ten pounds for a full chips add a egg and there is not much to munch on.

Two eggs consists of one but one can’t drop it down to one it is inconceivable. The service charges in this country are mad. The madness of the new jokes how to swing in the late 2016. I don’t want to swing we are out of Europe so we might have cheaper cafes. No we might all be bankrupt. No the situation is nothing of the sort, there is nothing like that going on there is nothing we did wrong we did not rob anyone or become anything improper. We did nothing at all that is bad for this country.

“Women are now all presidents and prime minsters.”

“What no idea what you talking about?”

“The women have taken over the running of the countries.”

“No idea what that means?”

“That there is the women who are women making for their right to govern this entire world.”

“They deserve it.”

“Of course the line did not seem to be crossed with anything but empty promises.”

“There is too many?”

“Not enough.”

“The thinking is that these women do not like to work in the house.”

“Household housewives?”

“Their spouses do that.”

“Men cleaning their boudoir?”


“That the new revolution is that women are the tops and men are the stupid lager louts.”

“They play beautifully in the grand prix and the tennis and their own boxing championships.”

“Look stop fooling about.”!

“I need to think and feel and fear no more.”

“Women governing this world?”

“Somehow it is happening gradually we did not notice when there was the head of church the woman and the counties and the commonwealth now we must sit down and notice. Note how much money is there for the woman who has everything?”

“Millions for these women and not much for the likes of me.”

“You do your own boudoir.”

“That is the reason?”

“Because of cleaning your own house and doing the house work you are sacked.”

“From earning a living?”


“The new revolutionaries state plainly that to do house work is to become corrupt.”

“They have their own children and then they go and do the show politics.”

“How much politics.”

“Many years of smiling.”

“The smiling never fades?”

“No their make-up is always glossy.”

“Their tight tightly smug faces are always with facts and figures.”

“Their tight bodies are always tightly belted up. They don’t indulge in the cakes.”

“Their tightly smiles are towards the top.”

“They know where they are going.”

“So everything is okay?”

“Just don’t talk to them when they have things on their agenda they might misunderstand and then you are in trouble.”

“Once their minds are made up?”

“It is made up forever.”

“Yes because someone said I was a Tomboy and a lesbian which I am not there was a mistake but the devil is the woman did not turn nor change her mind.”

I brewed tea to dispute this a allegation which I refuse to acknowledge and do not speak of and do not seek justice for. People are entitled to their outmoded opinions I was not one of those people who do nothing but think what they all think about me. But I am gaining my own opinions about the world and this book is about this.

My opinions nothing more or less than what I am thinking in my outdated head. So I brew tea and drink it the lamentations of the lamentable can go and hang itself. I am almost the worse speller in this world but there might be another world with best grammar and nothing to speak about. There are some writers who ruefully acknowledged this to me but they made their names and they can’t undo the tag of being writers. Authors who do make it early because they had insights and grammar end up living up to the imagery image. They destroy authors like myself because we dislike more than sliced bread and king Kong put together.

“The lady is not for turning.”

“No way would she allow that to happen that would admit she had made a mistake.”

“That is good now we have a world filled up with such women who can’t turn or unscrew their own heads round to meet a new thought?”

“That is good is it not. The rat poison should do it.”

“For what?”

“For the rats in the house.”

“The tea urn which they are disputing in the divorce court has it been settled only he does not drink tea and I just wonder why he is disputing the case?”

“A matter of looking at her bra?”

“Matter of principle?”

“They don’t have that sort of thing in the court do they?”

“This life has too many unprincipled parents to allow a young girl to marry him in the first place.”

“A man older than three decades of her age.”

“The prenuptials had been signed the parents wanted a big share.”

“A share in his wealth?”

“Of course they saw to that.”

“But what of the girl?”

“She asked to go into films.”

“So they got all they wanted?”

“And they got the thrills and the drills.”

“Then they are arguing about a tea urn now?”

“Yes they have to the only way he could get to see her bosom.”

“Many marriages end in the divorce?”!

“Yes beats the hell out of me why they don’t enjoy rat poison?”

“No that would be murder?”

“Why are they murdering goodness?”

“Look it is cynicism it is a lust it is not good but that is how it is.”

“When the failures of such parenting get me down.”

“The girl was a spoilt child.”

“Twenty and odd.”

“Just like Alice.”

“Alice was a child.”

“She now pretends she had been a child.”

“At twenty?”


“Sure thing to be a fool.”

“Yes in the desert he wanted to be quenching his thirst.”

“That is how he narrowly lost everything.”

“Girls come and they go.”

“They are all round the globe looking for the right number.”

“Statistics prove they usually ask the right price and if the price is right they come on down.”

If you are not in prison or with a degree and not disabled in a wheelchair they don’t want to know you. So it is not open the wife or the daughter who has had to stay at home and look after the family is not even allowed to exist it does not exist because everyone must look after themselves including the infants. That is why we now have the laughing ha- ha crowd who do nothing but please themselves.

Is there any soldiers near here?

No I was shoot down in HA-HA road and it meant nothing to me at the time but there are army barracks there. There is nothing I can say to that the policeman said to me there is nothing anybody can do as the air gun was let off by some kids and the soldiers had been manoeuvring that day elsewhere when the shot gun had been blasted and there was this sound as if the earth had moved and there is not much to swear to or answer to except to God.

“When the protectors are now the things we need to be protected from.”

“Society is evil now.”

“Society who now thinks that kids are the problem and not them.”

“Mental defectives.”

“How upsetting it is to hear this.”

“We all swore.”

“We had to honour this country.”

“We are now working harder than ever.”

“As hard as that.”

“Well the thing is the wives are never at home so the doctors must do the bringing up.”

“We all need Shipman as a father figure.”

That is the new thing to be other things are not to our sense. If we do not look after the family what will happen to the people in there? What could have happened to babies not looked after because their parents had no idea that infants did need looking after. They were not cruel they just said the babies interfered with their life and that should not happen to them with their degrees and importance. Most of this is true but several mistakes like this happens daily. A mother on a bus was yelling at her baby to grow up when the baby was a baby. There is no end to being a fool.

Due to demands on the editorial board we are now running a semester when we can learn needlework and tatting. Tatting is when artist learn to speak proper and not to interfere with them better people who have the money.

Them artist have always been known for their polite manners and becoming conduct and if not then we have learnt to find those people we can get on with having the money and taste and the good reasons to make the art world into something we can agree with. Twenty Mills and Boons a day has kept them readers away.

In the old days marrying someone was considered a catch. Now we can’t think about anything but how much money we will get when the decree is signed. Hence we have the prenuptial already and waiting as the father is having a fit if there is nothing to gain by it.

The damn Open University and the film industry we are now running amok to our teens of heartfelt show. This is show time.

Back to the hard stuff of the hard up we now in the portals of the desperate housewives who lived and worked in the bedsits of the gory London before we had the social security system worked out. Now we know what’s what and our rights of the matter we can know that having a handicapped child is not worthless but we can indeed make money out of it.

Just to make a mark we now know that the worse off if they don’t have an income can commit a handicap and make millions on the NHS but in them days it seem nothing to make out of this and that kind. We had to rely on our wits to makes ends meet which is a pity we had no education and our betters had not made rules and conditions to inform us of our equal rights of the matter.

This odd couple made a half a million then left it at the orphanage. Why whatever next why? Their marriage was on the rocks. Champagne chilled was it? No on the rocks. This old dear had a pregnancy when 65 had twins by her dear brother and then died. Left it at the orphanage some place and the twins will be so happy with that. I am sure they can’t get better parents than that. Why it makes my mouth water what they could be at. Yet the world is still not such a bad place? Well it could have been worse we could have lost artist who paint in water colours.

That makes the world a better place to find that Scotland was the land who made water colour. Well indeed then why do they have oil? Oil refinery well why ever not they want to be rich don’t they? Not true they be too mean. Don’t be silly they had Queen Mary of Scotland and she could not be mean if her underpants costing 50 something pounds. Even the good Elizabeth did not cost as much.

But then she had French connections? Why? She married a French king? Whatever next the man died on the honeymoon. Exhausted? Well it might have been him being weak. So where did she get her extravagant behaviour? I blame it on her mother uneducated she was sending her off to France to learn table manners when she could have had broth at home might have lived longer too.

“Grow up.”

“Grow up.”

“Grow up. I have to get to work.”

“Grow up.”

“People are being culled because you had me.”

“If you can’t or don’t want a baby don’t have to have one to show love.”

“You should never have been born.”

“Millions are culled.”

Well I still want to discuss the seriousness the baseness of such conduct as a normal baby. The wet nurse the baby marked for life forming ill character and making shame its life. When a baby is born it is innocent dishonest and true to loud behaviour indeed most mothers are pleased or not to hear the baby crying for attention and makes them wee themselves open doors as the little shameless thing wants constant attention worse than having a boyfriend. Even when they be on the phone to their dear friend who happens to have no such troubles.

Not a moment to spend a penny or two which is when the good shopaholic can go haywire. Well the internet is quick? Well the returns cost more and one has to get to the post office them there don’t understand how a sensible woman has bought twenty identical shoes.

“Well whatever are those two babies doing in there without their mother’s wearing the same blanket? Maybe they exchanged or something? Have a cigar the babies have woven their own blankets. The little nine months old baby weaving their own blanket? Well it could be maybe they can be the greatest needlewomen of all time. Here baby whatever next you have now woven the same blanket are you not clever?”

“No the hands are too small.”

“Whatever could be the matter with those babies they look the same but then mother did swear she did not give birth to twins? Not her strong point in twins. Her destiny was simple she had one baby at the time. One baby followed by the other? How long does it take to make a baby nine months then the other baby follows in ten months or is it weeks? They must have been pretty quick.”

“Well there is the baby then the other baby but then what did it do stay as it should small in order that the other baby could catch up?”

“Well even the buses don’t do that they like to speed up and take on passengers. The buses never stoop to anything like idleness then they would be fired. In fact if that baby is not small then what is it doing the same size? Like having nothing to do all day but to think such a problem it seems mother does not lie never she does not lie she does not believe in liars her middle name is the truth? No I must check that she never lies there never does she lie? She says not steal she does not murder the children nor the husband. In fact she says she is middle of the road someone who is happily married and does not have anything to hide. Her having no underwear proves this.”

“Well then why is that child mad?”

“What child”?

“The other baby she weeps all day strangles the very air with her wounds.”

“The other baby is quiet as it sleeps. This other one is vicious does not rest easy it stirs and stings and punches holes in the air with its fists. The other baby is quite calm sleeps does not stir and start she has no bad dreams. This other baby sleeps smiling.

This other baby does not rest until it holds something. But they look the same? This other baby does not even know who I am as if startled to see me. Senses me as if a stranger as if something not to her liking. It seems like some kind of animal trained to be off guard with its natural mother but with me to kill me.

The natural mother’s voice she obeys without question like on demand. The thing this baby does not like is for me to talk even the sound of me is distressing to her ear. Like me talking even betraying my presence is enough to start her into demands. Rages and stress as if my mere presence is her on call to cry to make a stir to make herself into some force some demoniac force which will startle even her.

Such a demands as if the hell is the port and I am the person who interferes with her quiet and rest. As if the toys she dares not shake are the things which I will take from her. She does not eat when I take food to her she does not stir when I am near her she can starve if I feed her.

“I know what to give her.” And mother takes her inside and feeds her and the baby is happy again. Then a moment ago: the happily fed baby is demanding food again this time from me. I feed her looking most distressed. A moment ago the happy baby now starving from hunger.

“There there food.” I say and I can almost hear in the other room mum saying the same things to this other baby. The door is locked and she is in there and me outside feeding this other baby. Well what is she doing in there? Has she someone with her a man or something is she having sexual play or something? What is happening in there when I am feeding this baby? Well here I am feeding the child when she is supposed to be feeding her.

The lazy cow can’t be doing her job what is she doing in there pretending to be feeding a child when I am doing that job with this child? I know she must be feeding this imaginary baby. That is what she is doing when she had been a child she used to play doctors and nurses. Now she is playing at mother. Well she has too many children to be doing that. So she better grow up.

This other baby is now almost as nice as she can be but she does not appear to like me but then I am almost pleased that she has grown up and is taking on a life or something. There is a strange smile in her, a whimsy a certain growth in her stumbling self as if she appears to be adjusting to things in her own way.

She will starve herself rather than take food from me. What have I done to make her feel this way about me? The other one about the same age does everything takes everything I give this one does not even like me being here.

“This is not true she is the same smiling baby all babies look similar.”

“Well who is she then who is this baby?”

“Your sister that is your true sister.”

“I don’t think so.”

“Whatever is the matter with you?”

“I don’t know.”

“Make the tea.” Said father.

“I think it is not possible.”

“Make the tea.”


“Make that damn tea.”

“Make the tea?”

“Yes make the tea.”

“It is not too roomy she has began to walk it might be difficult?”

“There is plenty of room for her. She can walk she is used to it.”

“But there is a happiness in her?”

“No she has no right to be happy?”

“But she is so happy.”

“Give me the tea.”

“No don’t come don’t come.”

“I can walk.” She said so happy.

“Baby don’t come.”

The scream still haunts me the scream as she screamed. She screamed and she screamed as if her screams was a fiend from hell. Did you say friend from hell? I dropped the tea things on her leg. I dropped the tea on her poor leg. I dropped the tea hot tea on her leg. She has such a scalding it is almost as weak as my mind. Myself is now outside looking on inside. I can’t seem to stop whatever is going to happen. I am outside looking on and there seems to be a lot of shouting.

A lot of walking and a lot of things going on.

“There that problem solved.” Said dad and sat still unable to move.

“In this country we are here to work. There is no room for passengers.”

“You did what?”

“Salih had the nerve to get into the girls toilet and try to misbehave?”

“Well pull your pants up.”

“I want you to see it.”

“I have seen it.”


“Look Miss the thing was I can’t explain it. Salih had the sink and then he opened it with the taps. I startled the toilet had been cleaned for the very first time in months and there was Salih spoiling them toilets after they had been cleaned. I told him off about this and he pulled me trousers down said only whores he knew wore such stuff? Well where did he get that impression him being eight years old. He sneered at me Mrs.

Then he seemed like Incredible. I am making sure I am going to make sure that you don’t interfere with me affairs anymore. I backed away. I had something in my hand I think it must have been the jasmine bottle I stole. The jasmine bottle in my hand that day which I wanted to see because it smelt so good that I liked it. I stole it I think it was because it smelt so good and them girls had smelt the bottle I did not know what had come over me to steal when usually I never stole anything in my life.

Except milk to feed the children with. Me into bad habits I thought but I just could not resist stealing that jasmine. The bottle in my hand and I wanted to smell the perfume and here this boy came and started to pull my pants down. Whatever next?

He seem to grow big the other boys outside the one who was captain he appeared to be waiting outside just waiting. Why did he not come and help me? Was he not the boy who was the hero? As if he did not do anything when Salih was like that.

The thing is we are many we are the many children who do get away and about and there is the others who are outside in the open breeze fighting the elements without the elementary education and people smuggled we are the many who staid and fast and made off with the lottery money and we got away with the fight outs and this and that. Then we got the others to come to and increased our splendid education. That is it there is no sense in our being like we are we are all grouped together laughing at ourselves and each other but why? Why what is the reason that we are all gassing about? The thing is we are in stitches and we all enjoyed the party and then we prattle and it is transatlantic and that means we belong nowhere and that makes us vampires.

“Your mother is not a vampire believe you me.”

“She has just put on a wrong suit.”

“That is why you don’t recognise her.”

Daddy is doing the dishes tonight and forever and mummy is on salad number nine.

“Take a breather.”

“I am going to my mother’s.” He slams the door.

“I am in work and he has slammed the door baby sitter needed we must find someone anyone to babysit the monsters I got from him. Gave him five children and he is in his undergarments.”

My first love the hero the captain was sat outside waiting for this Salih to do away with me. Salih the ugly bastard the bastard of the shit life and he the other glam boy outside looking like a wall flower and sat waiting. He sat wasting his time when I could be raped and murdered by this stupid blockhead? Him not making an effort even? Him not even making a gesture even? I grew powerful angry with this.

He just waited outside he just waited. He did not move Mrs. He did not move he just sat down and waited. My captain did not move. He sat outside and shivered he sat outside waiting for me to be raped Mrs. I became the captain Mrs if he did not stir then I would.

He had a sweetheart Mrs. Emine was his sweet heart they went everywhere together Mrs and Emine thought she would marry him Mrs. He being her captain her soul he was her sweetheart Mrs. They had it all sorted Mrs just like them sorting office when the delivered baby is the right shade and everything no mistake that code. If that baby is that shade then that is what happens to that baby. If mistakes happen then that baby is sent away. Back to when it came from? I asked one previous century ago in former times when we were speaking almost with reason. When the only difficult thought which Emine had was her mother not washing her underpants but burying them. Is what that baby is Mrs. No mismatch nothing at all not right the baby taken back where it comes from.

Salih fell. I don’t know how he did but the jasmine the taps the water everything. Salih fell trying to clutch at me pants. My knickers Ms. I still had them on. I did not have a slip or did I? I forget Mrs I don’t even remember how I left Salih in such a confused state. He seemed to have received a bad fall. Him being a fat boy Mrs maybe he did not expect to fall so heavily.

“I closed the door Mrs I closed the door and Salih did not come after me he went to the boy Mrs he went to the boy.”

And Emine started to scream at me where is the man who will I marry now? I raced Mrs as Emine was running after me saying them words.

“Where is the men where did they get too?”

“I don’t understand why all them sympathisers went to his side Mrs? If I had been raped indeed I would have been blamed Mrs. But me saving myself left them all confused and screaming and everything.

I don’t daresay what I did wrong is a surprise to me? In fact poor Salih had his time cut out he had to pick fights with me all the time. Then his head went into the railings because I said if he had the same type of head then he better get into the rails. The poor thing did. He did not realise that his head was bigger than mine?

His mother came to fetch him as well as the fire man… They had to cut the rail and everything he went out and never came to our scholarly school. He had better things to do. I can’t understand why he did not like me at all.”

“We buried the cat Mrs we buried the cat. I think I am the cat Mrs. Emine said prayers Mrs. Emine said her prayers and said them words Mrs Emine buried the cat looking at me Mrs. Just like in them film Cat on a Hot tin Roof Mrs. When the characters had this difficult marriage Mrs and Elizabeth Taylor says I am like a cat on a hot tin roof Mrs. But we were only children Mrs we were just kids Mrs.

In them days being without psychology meant we did not know what childish behaviours can afflict the insane Mrs. Not that I am without insanity but having such a childish spite is not to my way of thinking very healthy. I mean two children having a fight then his parents saying that I made a mistake. They wanting to rob us of everything because I shown their son up. It was not their son Salih; it was the captain’s father!

The son had become a half wit or something shaking or something. He came to our house to fix some nails shook like a young girl. I do not why he did but he said not to tell his dad. What not to tell him what?

“You know.” He said “you damn know too well. I will marry you.”

“Oh? I will make sure you do. I am fond of you.”

He nearly broke into a nail.

His dad came looking very red.

His family took a shine to ours and we went leaving our money in their house. It made sense to the parents my parents they had such an enjoyable film viewing. The other parents too had the advantage it had been some years later. That my father had become unwell is another story. To make matters worse my father made him a power of attorney. Then we went away.

Why he took such spite against me is unknown. But he took our table and TV and made off with our car as well. In fact he tried to take our cafe and then he put lodgers in there if we came back. In fact it is nothing to do with me what spite can make parents do. I mean it is not on doing such a thing is it? Parents should set a good example.

He even exchanged our cats poor Binas he had to leave his house and die in the outside and they put a ginger cat in its place. Why I hated that cat he took my Binas place. Binas came before he died and he seemed to have led a rough life. Poor cat I cried but he did not like to be at home anymore. The poor thing is that I did not remember what I had done. I worked it out just today is not that a good thing? I did not know that such a thing was not the wrong thing but it appears that I did wrong in what I did? Imagine if I had lost me virtue I would have been in Vegas with them shows but then Tom Jones I care not to mention is not good. In fact Green Grass of Home is just a song.

Now we go off to the last previous century with the God Sigmund Freud at his desk earning his doctor hood and adding to the prestige of society with his good works and aiding understanding of the human condition with his breathtaking knowledge and good sense and his maybe a Nazi?

A Nazi Freud certainly not him coming from Germany and being a German Jew not at all. No him not a Nazi? Why did all them women go to his surgery and give hysteria and bad name with them papas paying for the good sense?

“Now you take care of my good Dora she has a sexual illness due to not being married I say dear chap I will pay you to cure her.”

“I am able to see her three times a week?”

“Even more dear chap we don’t want her interfering with other issues.”

“I do not do it without pay?”

“Oh my dear chap money no object there is the cash if you run out of time the book keeping she works wonders with.”

“Can I see her every day for some time?”

“My dear Freud you being in the family way we have no other interest but to make you happy.”

“I say good Freud I have been dismissed for disagreeing with your high opinion of your work. I will go and blow my brains should I do it sooner?”

“Oh Vienna oh Vienna I am going to Vienna to escape the nasty suspicious Freud there I will make me sister marry the butcher. He shan’t lay with my sister.”

“You are dismissed from the academy the good Freud said you are a disaster.”

“I say Ana is a Germen name where in hell did he get her from?”

“My Nan said she had heard that only Germans name their children with a name like Anna.”

“Oh speech add more of it say speak speech I have given you all sir these are my own ideas.”

“I will rewrite them and put my name on this papers. You will be made my dear boy you shall star in a footnote beneath my name which is star of the show.”

“Oh sir and yes sir you are undoing me.”

“My dear it is those damn corsets.”

“I have gone mad to disagree with the good Freud why what has possessed me?”

“Dear Jung I can’t stand it anymore what is the dear man about having such a hold on you?”

“I am undone I have gone insane I must go and throw myself from the Eiffel.”

“Where is that?”

“Dear Turks have no idea where the damn tower is?”

“It is at Tower Bridge you can’t miss the damn thing.”

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