I am cold and hungry and alone there is nothing to do but to act a parrot. I am a parrot this is hell where is grandmother got to? Is she indeed dead? I got to get away no place like home what do I make of this circus. There is not one shred of new evidence not to convict me. I will be hung out to dry.
I am displaced them not my people anymore. They are not my clan them not my own. I will no more have anything to do with them have anyone eat me alive. The clan of mine this is finished. I will not have anymore to do with such behaviour. Their behaviour has become animals at a zoo. I am not even torn apart anymore.
The thing is nor do I feel anything but that the machinery has taken over that the war is not with the Greeks but these people who are not only atoms out of spaced minds. That their crudities are in their clothes as they forget who they are but some kind of dolls playing at being who they are not.
“Humanity has gone under.”
“Them not human any longer.”
“They are not even checking their notes.”
“Someone call the secretary.”
“This is shame.”
“This is what shame is.”
“This is what can’t happen.”
“Who said that?”
“Who spoke who is speaking? I am the grandmother who was dead. As you can see I am very much alive or you all dreaming me?”
“Why the woman appears again me thought madam dead?”
“Very much your court has been misinformed the information which I bring here is one of lost of control.”
“Order in the court.”
“But your honour there is no order is there?”
“Oh the darlings of May you are all in this together to fix this child is that true?”
“Where is the evidence which you all so delightedly made?”
“I have had another brown dress for years. Do you see the dress I am now wearing is brown I am known to have only two? You see my dress this dress is brown. I am wearing a brown dress you are misinformed that I only have two dresses which are brown. Do you see I am now wearing the brown dress which you found blood stained. Is this the same dress which you found?”
“The dresses are the same your tailor made an exact copy.”
“Yes the notes are getting copious.”
“Yes the secretary shall write.”
“Then why is she supposed to have fired the shots?”
“Yes but her hands are not that big? They are too small to have held the gun in the first place to have made her strong enough to have fired the gun.”
“A string she could have made a string?”
“Yes but where is the string?”
“Where is the proof she fired those shoots?”
“Where did you get them gowns to do the dirty work of this clan?”
“Where oh where did you get them hats?”
“This case is dismissed because one of the victims is not dead but very much alive.”
“My to think this innocent would have gone to jail and become a victim to think that is to make me shudder at you all in such shame. This is a disgrace you are all dire.”
“To think we are not to blame the evidence was over whelming madam.”
“Yes triumphed up evidence. My son can triumph anything he can and this is the rewards of fools this is the rewards of University education to be beaten by me? A woman who can’t read can’t write at all? This is the rewards of the academies?”
“To be original in this country is to be mad madam?”
“Oh is that so what is the reason for this?”
“We are all in the hands of the Gods.”
“What a shame that is.”
“Oh but is it?”
“The trail has to be over.”
“Yes it is not a trail we were?”
“We are in the middle of a war our resources are not what it is.”
“So you took up kid-napping?”
“No the evidence is here.”
“That one of the victims is not dead?”
“Unfortunate to say the least?”
“The case is over.”
“It is dismissed.”
“We are undone.”
“Out with our cocks.”
“It could have been worse it could have got to Europe too?”
“Lucky that the age of the child made us think twice.”
“Yes we did that good we did that good because of that you read her stories.”
“Me I did indeed history lessons.”
“Oh that is good that is.”
“Anymore bright ideas?”
“We are to be deported.”
“Well at least no one will know who we are?”
“I am not sure of that?”
“Never mind that.”
“Who will know who we are?”
“No one knows who we are?”
“That is a very good idea.”
“The kid knows who we are?”
“We will have to silence her?”
“Yes we can’t?”
“The law is double edged thing.”
“Yes we might be jailed or something stupid?”
“Most unfortunate that.”
“Should never have listened to you?”
“Wife has left me.”
“I forked out how much billed for this and the other.”
“Secretary has got out said she did not need me.”
“Daughters have to work.”
“I worry about the list of costs.”
“The wife has got diabolical.”
“The women has gone mad? A coat that expensive?”
“I prefer not to?”
“I prefer not to?”
“I prefer not to?”
“No no sir?”
“I prefer not to be got at?”
“No no sir?”
“I prefer not to do so”?
“I no sir.”
“I say no sir.”
“I prefer not to do this sir?”
“I prefer not to sir.”
“I can’t even buy a cup of coffee here.”
“I prefer not to sir.”
“I prefer not to do this?”
“I am not here anymore.”
“I can’t be shut out my office.”
“I am shut out my house too?”
“I am shut shuttled down?”
“I am not in work??”
“I am dismissed?”
“I am a normal human poor?”
“No longer in the clan nor employment agency me?”
“I sign away my rights there.”
“I am not in use?”
“My children will make me better I can go and live with them!”
“I am no more welcome into her house?”
“I not welcome into the house which I built?”
“With my own money?”
“The son in law will leave if I stay?”
“I am not worthless.”
“I am worthless.”
“I am now a beggar begging on the street.”
“I can’t be that person my own daughter did not give me alms?”
“Oh she did my daughter gave me alms?”
“The seventy virgins for the cleric who did nothing but read the good books and we women what do we get for our troubles? What do we get for our strife and mending baking washing and making do? Why do the Cleric who did nothing but read good books get seventy virgins and the woman who has baked all her life and made and make do get nothing at all?”
“Them clerics are old they get old by not mating and reading being wise them clerics age then when they are clerics they can wed wives who do nothing but what they demand. The cleric is the boss man he does nothing now but command like some priest of the Buddha. He is now an aged man with wisdom and he can demand and he commands. He has to be obeyed because he has aged his head with wise words. Direct from the Prophets without any change in the words let alone in the meaning in the last thousand years only one paragraph has been added to the holy words.
He is the most senior man of the clan and his demands are the commands which come from the wisdom of books as old as time. Which he has spent his life in memorising and making into words he can command by. For this the wives come and make his wishes the wisdoms which he has. He can anyone he can mate with.
When he dies seventy virgins will do the honours as well as their selfishness permits. The Goddesses who did not marry will be at the clerics disposal. The cleric will have food from the Gods and he can mate and marry eat without fat and be in clover. The more the cleric has scholarship the better fed he will be.
Then we went back to Cyprus after decade or so. I went back looking for myself my roots who is me this person. Everyone feared me as if they jumped right back into some hell. I did not know the constant rows the arguments this and that agony of mum and dad. They did not agree on anything there was this mutiny all the time.
“This is your fault.”
“No it yours.”
The silence would follow a death strangling sounds and became so nervous I dared not leave them alone for even an hour.
Daughters have to work then their husbands have to fork out the bills look at the English they now have daughters who have to be fed and clothed and they can-can be costly over the age of 60 amidst all this they want to be cared for. What to do with our new darlings?
I went to Cyprus looking for this person who did not exist in my head. I went looking for her in many ways trying to find this little thing everyone said I was. I was this thing outside looking inside and everyone was having these endless rows endless arguments endless this and that as if everyone did not just make noise but they meant to hurt with the sound.
The breakages the breaks of furniture of TV out and about the window luckily escaped the man walking by. The man waiting for me always at the door trying to get into the panties. He yelled something and I went and smirked.
The constant rows and the silence of terror as the noise sirens became louder and louder. The constant fear that one day they might be near indoors not out indoors not out.
The woman screaming by herself as she walked down the bridge of the Ilderton as she screamed her husband did not give her money for food. As she screeched in sounds so Kurdish as she screamed what was going to do with the kids he had given her? That he left her alone to deal with his mess that he left to deal with things that she alone could not.
She went berserk and did not answer as I spoke what is the matter can there be something wrong. Her mute gaze as she mutinied as she went very fast and faster still as she did not know what madness there is in such questions as she did not dare stop for breath as she went past everyone somehow private again.
“We are going to Cyprus and you must behave.”
“There we always behaved.”
“Them that has it got it.”
“Read in Turkish see if it helps.”
“The things that matter are not cruelties but kindness.”
“The crudities stay longer.”
“But kindness makes for big things that change everything.”
We got there then went to father’s village. There on my first day. I met auntie who was having a pregnancy and did not could not deal with this ram of a bull. She ran after it and then came asking for help.
“Can you get it for me?” asked auntie. Looking very tired and bitter, Hopeless no one helped her no one at all.
“Why is nobody helping you aunt?”
“These people never help anyone in trouble.”
“I will.” I went got the bull. I said to it when it tried to jump that his horns would be no longer his.
“You beast will no longer have horns if you do that again.”
“You will not be able to mate with a whatever you fancy.”
“You will be undone.”
It looked startled. His gaze looked like something from a joke. He lopsided his face in such a glitter of agony. His eyes began to get big. I looked into his face and then he jumped and went to auntie for protection.
He got to be the biggest ram of the stable and had plenty of cows in trouble the cows were the best happiest cows in the neighbourhood. He never hurt auntie and he always protected her from other bulls. He followed her about and indeed would not even make a run for it unless there was a cow in sight.
When he would then come back having interrupted the protection of the family by his indecent haste to mate. Apologetic and then they would continue to walk until he had grown to be such a bull that he had to be sacrificed to the kebab. The boys shared their jokes when I went to see them when their dad was a diabetic and he was dying because he would eat sugar until he shook.
They had the happiest fondest memories of that bull how they would never control it but a word from the mother and he would stand still. The bull would rampage the stable but then one word from her and he would be still.
They thought it was strange what the bull would do and get up to but one word from the woman who was barely five feet would make it shake as if the earth would leave. If one word from her made his world or destroyed his world.
The bull knew something the bull indeed knew something would think the husband and the bull and he stood in wonder what did the woman have that caused the bull to shudder?
Still in the past in the past when I am fifteen.
Then the second day auntie must have relaxed and one of her sons went to the well. I saw two boys there but could not make out who it was. They were trying to be playful. I saw auntie running towards them. I went and took the boys and then she came as if she had not seen me. I gave the boys to her.
“It is a dangerous well.” Shrieked auntie.
“It is a dangerous well.” She cried. “Someone must close this well. I will report it.” She went rambling as if mad. “No decency at all. Nothing to do but die. Oh my God to die a death is better than to see them all dead. My children will die the mad man is their father.”
“Thank you God.” She was weeping so much holding her son and one beside her as they went home.
“Auntie.” I said as I went to see her again at her home. I could see that she was very quiet too quiet silent even silence. Did not seem to be enough. She stood and sat as if in a hurry to be some place then went sat down in a position of some discomfort.
She was having a difficult pregnancy, said everyone. There seem to be sneers about as if none of their fault or problem. They are married now and to put on airs and graces. They appeal to no one these brains who fall brains anti brains society.
I wear my heart on my sleeve that is me.
The television crashing down on him while he stood and stared must have given him pause for thought. He thought I could not have loved him at all I did not throw the television outside it had been mummy as she wanted a new television but he blamed me. He always did.
Having just destroyed me and him she cried and went joyously to bed.
The anti brains society gloats on some things and this must be one of them. I was not in full knowledge or control there seem to be troubling and I did not know what to make of it but it involved pregnancy and this woman was a pregnant woman.
“What?” she was distracted.
“In England there is a birth control pill.”
“Well it is too late now isn’t.” She almost shouted at me.
“But if you have anymore after this one.”
“I will kill myself.” She went to the cupboard and I had not heard that or did I? She dropped a can or something. She seem to be not displeased.
“Well they don’t have it here?” She said.
“Clinics have them.”
“Well they must not have them?”
“Third world nations have them. In India they give radios to men and women to get them to take the pill.”
“Radio as well? It might play a different tune.”
“Well what do women here do?” I asked her in some concern that I had not understood at all.
“Well in England in the sixties they all got them at parties them had them all the time.” I added.
“What do you mean?”
“They had pop music and made love to all them stars them got so tight and about. Them the swinging sixties. I wish I had been there then I would have been swinging too.”
“More like from a tree.”
“Oh you here too?”
“Children.” It was my sisters.
“Women slept with different men and never got pregnant. I don’t know if it is true but it might work here as well?”
“There is some concern it might be cancerous but there is not much to think about if one is pregnant all the time is there?”
“What you all talking about?”
“Issues that are not your concerns.”
“Well is there something to eat?”
“Yes get the water from the taps. Auntie is pregnant.”
“Silly me I thought I was on holiday.”
“With the ram okay I might be able to feed the children.” Perked up auntie radiant she looked quite radiant. “There will be enough to feed the children make cheese and do other things as well.”
“Have you got the water yet?”
“I am still trying to.”
“I will do it you will be here all day.”
“It is so easy not to do anything at all.”
“Yes a shame.”
“I would have got wet.”
“Sorry did not notice.”
“What you mean that for?”
“Look children take a break.”
“There the pitcher is filled. Take yourselves home you are not going to sit round doing nothing.”
“We want to stay here.”
“Well if ever I could lay my hands on a stick.”
“We will break it.”
“Yes I am sure you will.”
The thing is his wife does not have even a pound to pay for her chips and she borrows from me and says she is starving. She is starving a millionaires? Yes she borrows money and says she wants chicken as she is not being fed and she is glowing with the ill wind of spent fat. I think what is going on then realise it is closer than I am near her there is some animosity between me and her.
Thing is never go to the same school as the royal family they never forgive never forget and what is the point when if they dislike you won’t allow you to graduate until you are past forty?
“There is nothing doing.”
“Nothing doings at all.”
I had no idea he had been married to her. I had no idea but she knew she knew and this spent her. She spent her life trying to become this perfect woman but never a wife because she felt he did not want or need a wife when he had. This displeased her she did not want to become a wife she wanted to become a actress. A great actress.
I am a go between bouncing ball as he and she slam doors and thanklessly go through words which is worse words they say without words they say things which spell disaster for them kids whom they have adopted with them. At that they slam more doors and they pace up and down as there is no drama between them for two minutes and there is silence as if one of them plays.
They have moved next door to my house so I am aware of their movements as the house vibrates with their desires and I know everything about their joyous life and nothing at all. For I have shut down I have shut down them as if something terrible has happened and my happiness even my soul might expel and never come again.
You see the accursed position one is in? There is nothing left but oblivion and that is where the thinking is not right the Zombie world of the good doctors who do nothing but answer me this when did they help me out? When did they make me see sense when did they not leave me to deal with stuff? Here in this violent house with a violent mother and a violent father a family of psychotics they thought I was safe they did not assess the situation.
“Where is the situation? We do not see anything at all.”
“Blinkered they are all pretending.”
“They are all not pretending there is nothing to see.”
“Look there is everything to see there is the world when mummy self harms in order for me not to go to University and loses her leg. Then there is when daddy says when I nearly go to the man and he tries to kill me by strangulation then there is this and the other so what does not the doctor see”?
“There is the near rapes.”
“That as well.”
“Yes when I lock dad in the kitchen and he breaks the garden door because the kitchen door is a fire door but that too escapes the healthy good doctors whose doctrine is do not see evil then it becomes evil.”
“I had to house a group of my cousins in order to survive.”
“I became a refuge for battered cousins.”
“Dad used to batter fish every Friday as a consequence he did a good batter he did and mum helped him we ate that in joy and peace while the siblings laughed out loud.”
“Life is the more cruel when it is funny.”
“It gives with one hand and takes it away.”
“Like hair being plucked from the chin.”
“Double or treble?”
“I think it is double.”
“Drink and drive.”
“On the double?”
“Life is a series and we are all in a soap.”
“We lather well do not we?”