100 Eyes

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Chapter 1

2017-03-31

It’s been a while until I wrote something. I was doing lots of sports, working, meeting friends, planning my bestie’s bachelorette party, celebrating my b-day, watching TV, furnishing my apartment and participating in a project. I did everything to keep my mind as busy as possible and to spend as less as possible time thinking about my relationships. I felt relieved, but also hopeful at the same time. But now I watched romantic movie (cannot be cheezier, right?) and all the emotions came back. The only thing that I desire now is to fall in love with someone at some point and to have a truly pure feelings and just to be happy. I hope and want to meet a person that would appreciate me and I could appreciate him equally. The person that could teach me and could learn from me at the same time. The person that would hug me before I fall asleep and once I wake up. The one who’s voice would be sexiest thing ever. The butt that I would want to grab once he comes back from the shower naked. As long as I did not met him, I want to live my life to the fullest and just to be happy and have an open door for that guy in my life.

2017-02-19

This is one of those night when I know that I need to sleep, but I just can’t. I am thinking about the ones I loved, hated, then became indifferent. But there are still some people that I wish that it worked out despite knowing that it is never going to happen. The memories and wishful thinking are filling this gap. Also it is a moment of mystery as I don’t know who life is going to bring me next and if it is finally going to be the one. The one that I will love unconditionally and I will receive same love from him. The one that will care as much about me as I will care about him. The one that will feel the happiest person to sleep together and to wake up smelling my hair and pulling me tight next to him. The one whose eyes will light up once he sees me. The one that will laugh like an idiot in public after seeing my texts. The one whose smile I will adore and will want to keep in my heart the whole day until I will see him after work. The one that will miss me even being fives minutes away. The one that will care as much as about my day as about my success. The one that will help me decide once I am lost. The one that will always assure that our love isn’t ever fading away. Is that too much to ask? Did I already missed the chance once I destroyed everything with the Greek God? Was he the one and is there nobody else left for me despite 8 billion people in this planet? Why I cannot stop thinking about him - am I insane? How can I keep feelings for a person that I barely knew and that refuses to be in my life? How long it will take until I finally get him out of my mind? Or is it going to be this way forever? I forgot and forgave to The Good Guy Gone Bad, I forgot and forgave to the Fallen Angel. Why I cannot forget and forgive to the Greek God and to myself? Yes, I screwed things up, but he also did. I forgive Greek God and myself for being wrong people at the wrong time. I forgive us for meeting during the wrong circumstances. I want him to be happy and to love someone. I wish same for myself and I hope that he forgave me as well. I am only afraid that he forgot me…

2017-02-18

The Fat Guy never responded me back despite my apologies, but tonight I dream that I am extremely sexy to myself, have perfect body, long hair and the feeling that I am powerful. At the same time, he was begging to meet me, I agreed, but again he could not as he was going to the theatre and had lots of work to do, so I told him that we are over. I really felt the huge disappointment in his action and in him as a person and I am happy for that. Maybe it’s the first time when my dreams works together with me, but not against me. I am feeling really good now - as I know that I am doing the right thing and my unconscious mind agrees with me what is very rare.

And here are some new rules to follow:

First, love and treat yourself, your health and happiness are the priorities.

Second, know your standards and don’t to be vocal about them, if people aren’t willing to deal with your basic rules or to compromise, they ain’t your people.

Third, 2-3 months is enough to know the person - if the relationship is heading down, it is not the way you want it to be, or there is no serious commitment or feelings expressed - it’s time to break up.

Fourth, always remember your friends and family, they will be the ones to support you during your highs and your falls.

Fifth, always live the way you want to and don’t be afraid to tell “no”, if the person really needs you, he can always ask for second time - you don’t need to be “yes” girl all the time.

Sixth, be happy and don’t be jealous about the way other people spend their time, it’s their decision, as you also decide how to spend yours.

Seventh, other people’s achievements are great and you have to be supportive as you would wish the same reaction once something good comes your way.

Eight, never doubt your foxiness despite you didn’t wash your hair for straight 4 days and you are just going to the shop to by some candies, always walk straight and imagine that you look to the third floor, it will make your face lift automatically.

Ninth, every body shape is amazing, if you grew up some weight, celebrate it, but in the meantime work out and eat healthy to make it as you picture your body - maybe your boobs got bigger, so show them.

Tenth, sleep, sleep a lot, there isn’t any spa that can do better to you than good 8 hour sleep a night - your face looks nice, dark circles under your eyes aren’t that visible and all the stupid ideas you had at night seem to be childish.

Eleventh, walk everywhere and whenever you can, it calms mind down and helps to think things through - as we can rarely find time to meditate, it is the perfect way to get to our consciousness.

Twelfth, always think what you are putting into your mouth (and I am not only talking about the dicks!), it will reflect in your body and you health, and never trash your body with shit, it is not a recycle bin, if you want to cheat, you can always find healthier alternatives.

Thirteenth, smoking is not cool anymore, it stinks and is expensive, quit it or smoke only on special occasions.

Fourteenth, there isn’t such thing as a drunk lady, you either drink and look more or less wasted, or you just have fun by being yourself and enjoying your sharp mind, also the next day is all yours and headache free.

Fifteenth, I think it is the best time to make all these adjustments to the lifestyle until you are in your 30’s - as by then it can become a habit and the changes will be irreversible.

Sixteenth, find a soulmate that thinks the same/similar way as you do and it will be way easier to sticking with these rules.

Seventeenth, think about your future family, you have to be an example to your children, as there isn’t anything worse than parents that say one thing and do completely opposite - be genuine and consistent.

2017-02-15

It’s over and I have to face it, it was over few weeks ago and I have to deal with it. The Fat Guy is never going to respond and I’m never meeting him again. We are done. But I am starting to think why all my relationships don’t work - as at some point I screw things up. But maybe this is for a reason? Maybe the reason is that I do not want to be with that person anymore and I jeopardise things unconsciously? I am to scared to see things in a daylight and I do steps after steps to quit it? Also it never my fault or intention to break up, but I am actually the one that starts nagging and talking about it. And if I want something good out of it the relationships, maybe by now I should know that these tactics do not work and it will lead to completely opposite results? Why can’t I just tell to the person: “thanks for amazing time, but it just does not click for me, it’s not you - it’s me, let’s remain friends” and similar bullshit instead? I am starting to think that I am just too scared facing the truth - I am not confident in uncertain situations and it freaks me out and I seek for a reason to transfer the blame on the guy’s side? Is it possible that my inner self and my guts are playing these games to break free, because it is my secret desire? Somehow I operate smoothly in other areas like work and friendships, but relationships just stand out. Am I apologising the guy and asking to start it over just because I am scared of loneliness and dating game, but not losing the actual person and I just feel bad about the guy? In most cases I make a huge scene that leads to the breakup once I get bored and I just get this desire to date someone new.

In this particular case I didn’t like The Fat Guy’s unhealthy lifestyle: drinking too often, not doing sports and his “beer belly”. I liked him as a person, but I did not fall for him: my knees weren’t week once I saw him and it was just nice going out to fancy places and to have intellectual discussions, but my mind wasn’t blown away when I was with him. The sex was okey, but a bit boring as well - missionary pose mostly. We saw each other not often enough that I could feel that he cared about me enough. At first he showed lots of attention by sending flowers and candies, but then he stopped, what I did not like. Also at the beginning of our dating he suggested dating ideas, but then eventually I was the one that had to decide what we are doing next. I wanted to be introduced to his friends and family during the Christmas holidays, but I didn’t even met them during more than 4 months of dating. And he did not invite me to celebrate New Year’s Eve with him - I was expecting that. I told him several times that I missed travelling due to saving money for my apartment furnishing, but he never suggested buying me the tickets what did not cost more than one of our dinners. Also he was searching for an apartment to buy, but always considered my own not good enough, what is really a nonsense as it is just great. What is more, I wanted to have a healthy lifestyle: to eat healthy, to do jogging or go to the gym together, to quit drinking, but he was opposite, and all of our dates ended by drinking and eating unhealthy shit instead. Also I realized that due to his obesity, we wouldn’t be a fit couple with fit kids as he would have to lose too much weight and train too hard, and it seemed that he only plans that, but it’s really not on his priorities list.

And the most important thing - even my friends clearly saw that I wasn’t in love, and they saw me in love previously. When I was having health issues last week: I was feeling down, I wanted to puke and I had pain in my belly, and one of the possible reasons could be me being pregnant, I was thinking only of the abortion and could not imagine raising his kid. And I think that this was the moment of truth - if I liked him so much or loved him, I would never be willing to kill our love child and I would be happy (yet frightened due to unexpectedness to be pregnant) to raise the baby. If this had happened with the Greek God, I would be the happiest person alive. At the same time there were things that I couldn’t stand about the Greek God and it was a deal breaker too.

Let’s face it: I never do things that I do not feel like doing and I always have my inner guidance what to do next and if this doesn’t feel right, I would do everything to run away from it. And I am not the person that can drastically remove the ties, so it should be really not making me happy. As with the Nice Guy, I had to get into huge fight and tell him really mean things in order to never talk again with him as he was getting annoying and took my time from exploring new horizons. So I did it, I told really mean things to him just to break free.

I also did the same with the Left-(L)Over Guy - I told him very mean things, because secretly I did not imagine him as my husband or father of my kids. I always thought that I could do better than these average guys and and I am just too good for them, because they always had something that I did not like: bad teeth, not being educated enough or not smart enough, performing average sex, drinking too much, not getting paid well, having another religion, being not tall enough, not fit enough, not having his own apartment or a great car, not showing enough attention, not kissing me the way that I wanted, not being adventurous enough. I also knew that I am out of their league and I deserved as complex person as I am - if there was only a guy like me. I already made the list, now I am only waiting for the right guy to show up. Also this book wouldn’t be so interesting if I were happily married by now, ain’t it?

2017-02-14

Freakin’ Valentine’s day: now I am at home, alone, watching “Two and a half man” and figuring out what I am doing wrong with my life. Last friday I lashed out on my now-ex-boyfriend - The Fat Guy. My career is just going great, I have my own apartment, I have friends, I do sports. If not taking this week into account, my health is good - so what the fuck is wrong with me and with my relationships that I always fuck up in the worst moments? It’s obvious that I feel some pressure before serious events, but in general what the fuck is wrong with me? Is it going to stop one day? Can I just date, get serious, engage and finally get married or do I need to meet 50 more guys until the right one will show up? Or isn’t there one at all for me? Somehow my friends, co-workers and classmates, even the most strange or worse tempered ones, can get into serious relationships, but I can’t.

For last couple of years, 4 months of dating is the ultimate achievement - it is like a dead end to me. It seems that I cannot stand another person any longer or I cannot pretend to be another person any longer. It just seems that once the guy starts to know me - they run away and never look back. Never. It’s like I become poisoned or having syphilis after 2 or 3 months of paradise and the last months are just pre-death convulsions. Probably I am the worst person to get into serious relationship with and at some point there won’t be any guys left to date in my city (less than 1 million inhabitants), so I’ll have to move out just to meet a new bunch of guys that I can change according to the season: Mr Nice for spring, the Sexy Guy for summer, the Italian for autumn and the Smartass for winter. The cycle never stops: meet, date, fuck things up, break up, cry to my friends and then back to the dating pool. I am starting to think that I could make a profession of short-term dating and to teach people how not to get attached. It’s like I am a perfect magnet - a person get attached fast, but then he gets sucked dry, so he just runs away. And the most funny part is that I suck quite good, you are guessing what do I suck? Dicks, I suck dicks well - at least that what I was told by the last and some other guys. Or is this like a school of relationship and I have to graduate by banging another subject different semester? Once I pass the exam of 3 or 4 months - it’s time for the next one! Hopefully I will finish this school and won’t be left to repeat the course or get into “Ground Hound dog”, “Memento” or “DejaVu” situation. At least it seems that I do that pretty outstandingly well now. If there is an Oscar for being the best short-term girlfriend - you just need to give me one. It is so funny as I think that now I am really good at “making-guys-to-start-dating-me”, but I am just terrible at the “getting-serious” subject, it’s like I should get F- from that.

And yes, I’m desperate, I just wrote The Fat Guy long SMS (how oldschool of me, right?), basically: “please tell me what I did wrong, we don’t have to meet and to talk this through and I hope that we can end everything friendly and if not, then at least don’t be angry at me/ignore me.” I also told that: “I know that I am veeeery desperate in this case, but I would like to know what I did wrong or what happened for my own sake and I hope that he’ll understand that.” So yeah, I am a very desperate human being, homo desperatus or something like that. I know that I couldn’t go any lower, but I think it is good to know what was wrong and to do some self-analysis and change at least a bit for my personal growth. Hopefully, ”The Fat Guy” answers at least something as this situation is very awkward.

2016-02-11

More than 4 months passed since I have started dating The Fat Guy, and I still feel that it is not right. I like him as person: he is cheerful, fun, smart and hard-working, but we cannot overcome communication issues. He barely texts me, and it is sad as most of the time he is on business trips, so I do not get to see him and I do not hear from him - it is like a dead end. I even counted that since January I texted him first more than 10 times and he texted me only once, he is always busy and not that much interested in my matters. Also when I suggested to meet my friends, he explained that it is a big step and I should see them alone and I can meet with him afterwards. I made a huge drama out of it, I told him that I am not going to be girl that he only sleeps with or meets when he has spare time or is bored, he explained that it is totally not the case. He explained me that his ex-girlfriend of five years was kind of crazy and told lots of bullshit to his and her friends and now he is very cautious about bringing new chicks into the gang. However, I told him that I want him to meet my friends, not his, so we agreed to do this one week after. And to my biggest surprise we did it, he talked a lot with one my friend’s fiancee and my friend had a great opinion about him afterwards.

Despite that, now he is away for more than 3 weeks and we barely talked during this period, so I told him that it is nonsense and I cannot tolerate it. He told me that he just landed in Iceland to have a trip with his friends and that we should talk about this once he is back. I told him that not words, but the actions meant most to me. Furthermore, I claimed that previously we hadn’t such issue and that his behaviour changed and I do not know why. Also if he does not want to see me anymore, he should tell me that now rather keeping me in uncertainty for few more months. Or if he wants to be with me, he should understand my needs as I am sacrificing quite a lot as well.

He didn’t read it or respond for a day now. Very mature. I strongly believe that without any communication and respect no relationship can last even with the highest fire in the pants. I already had relationship for 4 years without proper communication and mutual understanding of each other’s needs, and at the end it was just a disaster and caused serious mental issues for me. And probably for my ex. His mother wrote me 5 years after we broke up that he didn’t had any girlfriend since me. By the way, I was his first girl, took his virginity off and etc., but more details in the “Chapter 6: Apr-13 - Sep-08” where I talk about The Good Guy Gone Bad.

This time I am giving myself 12 weeks until May to get ready for dating: to do lots of sports, eat healthy, clean up my mind, read books, finalize this book, find a publisher, attend events and just to be happy. No man is worthy to make me depressed and disrespect me. I am sorry, I just can’t handle that anymore. I love and cherish myself too much, then a guy comes, but he’ll never be no. 1, because I am number one to myself and the guy cannot dictate how I feel. If the guy wants to be part of my life, he can, but he must make me more happier than when I am single. Otherwise, what’s the point, right? I don’t need a man for money, social status or sex, I need a man that would make me happier than I am now, and I am pretty happy already - so beat that challenge. If not, bye bitch!

This book really helps me to realize what I am worthy and that if I could overcome so many struggles, one more breakup is not a big deal, I can handle it as I did previously and each time I come stronger and more self-confident. If guy is boring and the relationship doesn’t go anywhere why should I bother? I am a person that likes fun and new stuff, that likes to climb new mountains and if the man is not ready to walk together and to seek improvement - he’s not my person! And hey - I am just going to be 28 in 1.5 months, I still have more than 2 years to find a right guy to marry and now it is time to shine bright like a diamond and to live up to my desires and expectations! To live a fabulous life - as fabulous as I am!

2016-12-27

This year I had a lot of valuable lessons. First of all, I have learnt that not everything goes my way. I am used to doing things the way I like them to be, but Year 2016 showed me that it is not necessary going to happen that way. I had to challenge my inner strength and to be calm in numerous occasions, e.g. waiting for some guy to write, wait to get a promotion, to get approval for my leese and etc. For a person that is extremely impatient it was a huge challenge, in some cases it led to despair, crying loudly when I’m on my own, telling rude stuff to people and just getting stuck in an invisible 4 sq.m. room that I could not escape from. The worst and the most valuable part is that I understood that I cannot make people like me or contrary - it is free will of that person and I cannot determine that. So I can only be patient and wait until the person tells me about his real feelings.

This year I fell and I stood up on my feet again numerous times, at some point it felt that there is no bright light at the end of the tunnel and I am stuck with my despair. Then I cried, I felt nothing, then revised everything all over again, I was feeling pity for myself, sometimes I was behaving childishly or extremely insensitive, sometimes I was a monster and told horrible things to people that I cared about. I was cheating on diet or another promises to myself, I lied and I tried to obey the rules, I was angry and I was happy as a baby. Sometimes I felt calming harmony, but not for long. I have also learnt that the silence is way better than the best arguments, that it is better to think and not to say anything especially if the person is in power and all the facts are against me.

I was betrayed and I was cheated on, I was heartbroken and I was left by three guys, the fourth might be planning to leave me now. Fuck it! I am going to leave him myself. I am not going to let anyone to fuck around with me again. If he does not pay respect, he is not worth of me. I can be single and happy and I am not going to wait to be brutally dumped again and to destroy my self-confidence one more time. I am stronger than this. I am powerful and I do not need a man. I can be on my own strength. I am too good for his shit and I deserve more than ignorant behaviour. I’m done being nice and licking guys’ asses and begging to stay with me. They have to be worthy of me as I am the queen and I am amazing. They need to deserve me first and they do not have any right to break my heart or behave stupidly and irresponsible. I am just too good for this shit and what I am going to teach myself by the end of 2016 - I am not going to beg or seek any attention. If not now, than never. Bye, bitch! As they say: “Bye, Felicia!” Fuck of you moron! I can go to the spa weekend with my friend or alone who the fuck cares actually.

I have also learned last year that even my family can be against me, they sometimes hesitate on trusting me, but then they do everything to me make me happy. I had party-hard weekends and days that I stayed at home for a week and enjoyed my own company. I started to spend more time at home and to appreciate good sleep and early morning waking-up. I have learnt to say “no” when I do not want things and to say what I want when I meant it. I no longer want to be perfect from the inside and outside and I am not afraid to show my real self. I have started to understand the value of money and how important is to save it. I understand how hard it is not to be able to buy everything you want and sometimes you have to save money before the purchase. I quit daily smoking and now smoke only every second week when I meet my girls for wine. I have learnt things that I never learnt in 27 years of my existence.

I am still not sure how to deal with all these things, but I believe that the next year I will become wiser, I’ll take time to think and then act. I keep myself as a priority now, but at the same time I love people for what they are and not try to change them as it should be their decision. I strongly hope and I do my best to understand my needs if it even means not looking perfect in other people’s eyes. I hope that I don’t need man’s approval to feel pretty or happy. I really hope that finally next year I have a person on my side that I can be myself with and I can truly love him. And to receive love back. I hope that 2017 brings me more love, hope and happy moments and I no longer need to think if the person likes me and if he wants to be with me. I hope that I stop looking to my phone and wait for the appreciation from the guy. I hope that I have balance in the giving and receiving in the relationship.

I hope that my apartment becomes home and I am my fittest self. I believe that I am going to climb the career ladders successfully and work from home most of the time. I believe that I am going to travel again once I am done with my apartment furnishing. I hope that I am sticking to my plan to spend at least one month of the winter in another country with +35 C each year. I hope that I am completely healthy and keep loving my body and mind. I hope that I do not have any bad thoughts and my mind is clear and beautiful. I hope that I stop being jealous about other people’s success and can be simply happy for them. I hope that the calm happiness is coming back to my life and is never leaving again. I need a break from social networks and TV shows, I need to live real life again, read books and meet people in person or talk via phone.

In the recent couple of years I survived so much: falling in and of love at least 3 times, facing death of my loved one, the guy who I was dating left me to go back to his ex-wife just after presenting me to his parents, I totally screwed up relationship with the perfect guy, I was my worst and best self. I just know one thing - despite what life is going to bring me (and I am sure that it is going to be a wonderful life) - I am going to make it. I am going to take the lemons and to squeeze them to the best lemonade ever. And hey! I started a book about my love experiences, it might be that I am not going to finish it ever, but at least I have what to write about and I found a perfect way to calm my mind down.

November 2016

My dreams - my darkest insecurities

My dreams, especiality the most realistic ones, are my darkest fears and insecurities that I do not allow to rule me during the day. But they crawl at night, when I am alone and vulnerable. They are slowly poisoning my conscious mind as well and make me feel that it is a reality or the future. But it never happened - my dreams never came true. I never reunited with The Greek God, despite the year that passed. And I dreamt about him often. Two months ago I started dating new guy - The Fat Guy (never dated overweight guy before so I decided to give it a try): lots of attention, he sent flowers and chocolates to my office several times, brought me to weekend getaway.

And now I started to dream bad things about him. Last Sunday I have dreamt that he is an alcoholic - what is my deepest fear due to my mother’s illness. Yesterday I dreamt that we were a couple for 5 years and despite coming home to me after his trip, he went to his mistress and I saw that. It was heartbreaking and I lost the trust in this person. And actually he came after business trip today, but didn’t write me or anything. I am extremely sad today. I feel lost. It seems that it really happened and this is scary - I do not divide my real life and my dreams, they started to affect me and my decisions. They make me sad and anxious. What should I do? I want to be in charge with my life and to have conscious mind.

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