Beginning of October 2016
I told myself: you are strong, beautiful, you kick arses in all areas except relationships - so why to struggle even more if it does not work. Just be. Alone. Single. First time in your life for real. Not hoping prince charming to save you, be your own prince charming. Be your star and your moon. Stop building sand castles, build one from the rocks. Your own castle. Be the person that you will fall in love. Love yourself the most. You are the most important and most valuable over here. You are precious and amazing, you are the reason to wake up in the morning and to fall asleep at night. You have great goals and one day you will conquer the world in your own matters. Men are just not worthy of you. You are too good to be truth for them. And everyone would love to be with you, but you choose to be the best version of yourself - not for a guy, not for a relationship, not for marriage or kids. You are the one for you.
You are the greatest thing that ever happened to you and fuck everyone that say differently. You don’t need approval from anybody else, as you know that you are worth more than all money in the world. You have the best qualities ever: patience, inner strength, stamina, amazing soul. You conquered all negativity and all fails in your life with the greatest power and while standing still. You are worthy of magic and incredible life with amazing people around. Never settle if you are not 100% sure. You will do that when you know that it’s right. You will definitely know when it’s right. You will feel it with your body, mind and soul. It’s a journey to yourself and it’s just a beginning. You are still young, good looking, charming, intelligent, funny, street-smart and you have the guts!
You have everything what it takes to be called a woman from capital W. You are the greatest Woman to walk on this planet, even though you are the only one that think about that. Never let anybody to bring you down, as they just do that to steal your strength and to check your ability to rise from the ashes. You fell so many times, but each time you just get stronger and kick arses again and again. Be yourself, never pretend, because you are amazing with all your great qualities and your flaws. The picture of you is amazing and keep painting it. And never forget - you should always be the most important person for yourself whenever what. You are the prime, you are the goal and the reason at the same time. You bring light and darkness at the same time. You keep becoming more powerful and remain true human at the same time. You, the way you are, you are worthy to create songs about, to paint pictures and be portrayed in the best selling books. Love yourself the most as you are the Right One for yourself.
Despite all these nice words for myself I cannot fall asleep, I think about all the things that happened to me. About all the guys that crossed my path and I don’t know what the future will bring. I don’t see any view, but somehow I know that everything is going to be alright and I am going to make it. Even in relationships. Each time I get more mature, each time I am less afraid to express myself, each time I am less scared and confused when the relationship ends. As far as I came, I still know that I am strong and that eventually everything is going to be fine. Maybe not today, maybe not this week, but I’ll be fine. I will be happy because I deserve it. After all these awkward paths I am going to find my way, my road, my true love. It’s over there, just waiting for me to be completely ready. To be ready to love, to show affection, to fight for it as I will know that it’s right and it’s worthy. All past encounters and people that I met are preparing me for something bigger and stronger. For something beautiful and amazing as I deserve it after all these struggles. I know that my future will be bright and filled with love and other wonderful feelings.
The new era: me, myself and I
What I understood from all of these stories: at first I have to love myself, then it’s a turn for somebody else. Without self love, without self appreciation, self respect there won’t be love from the others. And I am really lucky as I got to learn these lessons by being only 27 years old, other people don’t get it until they have grandchildren, and some - never. I am the luckiest person on the Earth, I got all these challenges at this early stage and now I am able to rise like a Phoenix from the ashes of dicks.
However, we still meet with the Friendly guy, we exchange texts usually. We even made out one evening when we were celebrating his lessee for apartment. Then I wanted him to sleep with me, but once he refused, I left home. While being wasted I wrote him some insulting stuff, asking if he is stupid not to have a casual sex, that I liked him and for second time he crushed my heart. The next day I apologized and we still actively remain as friends.
But my dreams are killing me, two days ago I was dreaming that we are having sex with The Greek God and everything ended when he stick his toe to my face, it was covered with honey and he asked me to lick it.
The second awkward dream was just this night, I dreamed that I was going to get married to The Good Guy Gone Bad (Chapter 6) and all my friends and my family were there. I also dreamed that we had a pre-wedding picnic in front of my grandmother’s’ apartment, but then the storm occurred. I asked everyone to pick up things and to throw trashes away. Then I went to my grandmother’s apartment and could not find the door, the entrance looked completely different and high-tech: there were screens, scales and computers everywhere and they showed different numbers. Then I decided to go to my mother’s apartment to find someone. Once I went there, I met an angry woman at the entrance and I pushed her. I run into my mother’s’ apartment and tried to lock the door, but could not manage. The woman opened the door and there was a man standing next to her. They told me that my punishment will be that I have to make out with both of them while pooping on the toilet, so I did, there were two other people. I refused to make out with them and woke up.
Another awkward dream that week was about that I was walking in some damaged district with my mother and then we came to the river and she she told me that it would be a wonderful place to build a house. The view was amazing - the river, sunrise, trees and beautiful buildings in front of us. Then we turned and we saw a man with a liquor, he spilled that on me looking angrily and ironically and then he light a match and threw it on me. And I started to burn.
The last dream that night was not less strange: I entered my house, climbed the stairs and once I reached the top, the stairs was going down and I saw open doors. There was a fence in the garden, I saw various dogs, a cat was attacking one of them and I helped him out.
Flashbacks that remind me about the Greek God are still coming back, this time I remembered a feeling when we were watching a movie about Japanese person who saved a lot of jews just before WW2. I remember that feeling when we were standing there and I was feeling so close to him not only physically, but also psychologically and emotionally. He felt so close and so warm. Soon it will be almost one year since we met and I still miss him. I am stuck. My life is still stuck on him and I have to break through. However, despite how I try, I can’t. Or I don’t want to.
At this part of my life I want just to be alone - I don’t mean single, I mean that I don’t want to be surrounded with other people, I just want to concentrate on myself. I never felt such a great need. Usually I have this kind of periods, but not as strong as this time. Now I just want to take a rest, sleep a lot, not to talk to nobody, just to be calm. I even quit smoking, it’s only the second week, but I don’t feel a need after more than 10 years of smoking. I tried to quit so many times, I pretended that I don’t smoke for so many guys, including the Greek God. The worst part was that I wanted to end a date and just to go to smoke so badly - I actually even did this few times. I also don’t have any urge to drink alcohol as I know that I’ll want to smoke once I am drunk. And now I am trying to avoid both. I am not really interested in talking with people as it seems like a struggle to me and usually I am kind of talkative person. I just want to be at home with myself and my thoughts. I even skipped few meetings with friends what never happened before.
I decided what is my priority and goal in life - to be the healthiest version of my own and to stop jeopardize my health: no cigarettes, to drink alcohol only on special occasions, no stress, a lot of sleep, good food, working out, and just to love myself and my body. To be sincere, I just did one thing now. I still eat a lot of sweets, I am still under stress. But hey, it’s better to start step by step instead of extreme stress and then to quit soon. I started to read books about health and it’s importance. I went to doctors and took some procedures for the health issues that I have. I want to be the best and healthiest version of myself. To love myself and to stop slowly killing myself. I cannot live in self-destruction anymore. Maybe this is the reason that I want to spend more time in loneliness. To get to know myself better because I start to understand that despite more than 27 years in this body, I don’t know me, I was hiding from myself and I was trying to avoid this person my whole life. Few days before I read beautiful words how a person should treat himself:
“The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other’s welcome,
and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you
all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,
the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.”
“Love after love” by Derek Walcott
I started to believe that the moment I will fully accept and love myself then there won’t be a need for someone else’s appreciation, acceptance and then I will be free from prejudices, from social norms and other people’s thoughts. Only then I can invite other people back to my heart otherwise there isn’t much to give and to show to them. To be true altruist one has to become the biggest egoist. Only when I will understand that my physical and psychological needs are met, then I can help other people. If my body, mind and soul aren’t complete, I cannot be an equal part in a relationship with other people as there will be a lot of doubts, self-destruction and insecurities.
Finally, I have started to feel that there is a hope again. I slept, I stayed calm and finally I found my inner peace and inner fountain of strength. Everything is going to be alright. I am happy again. After almost a year of pain that did not leave me even in my dreams I am free again. I feel this happy dizziness. And it’s not from sex, cigarettes, alcohol, sport or kisses. It’s just natural happiness as a natural habit. I found my way back to being positive, being myself again. Also there is a new me at the same time. So this mix is what I was seeking and searching for so long. I am back, bitches! I have this great feeling of presence and I am satisfied with this moment with few sparks of past and future. But neither past, neither future now determine me as I am all about this moment and it makes me very happy. I feel sharp and dizzy at the same time and I love this feeling. I want to stay in it.
I am finally happy again. I am finally as happy as I never been before. I can sleep calmly now, I can feel peaceful now again. I love every piece of myself and I accept everything about me, because I know what kind of person I truly am. I am a great and confident human being worthy of all great things in my way and I don’t need to do any self-destructive activities to punish or to cherish myself. I know the perfect way to feel and be happy - the presence, being myself and doing everything to be happy and healthy. To have a happy and healthy body, mind and soul and not to skip any part of this whole presence of me.
Everything’s gonna be alright, I am telling to myself to stop being scared as everything will work out eventually: career, money, love, family, kids, travelling. All is going to be fine and my work is to be present and to cherish the moment not planning five steps ahead and avoid repeating, reviewing and regretting past memories what - I cannot change this anymore. Past is irreversible. It was, it happened and that’s a fact, I have to accept and to live with it despite I want it or not.
And the Greek God is gone. Thank him for all the lessons. There are so many good things waiting for me and he is not one of them as he is my past. Now breathe and be happy in this moment because it will pass and then I’ll regret that I haven’t fulfilled it 100%. That I won’t breath and smell it anymore. That I won’t see the brightness of it anymore. That I won’t be able to feel it’s smoothness and sharp ends at the same time anymore. Just be present, be happy by any means. Also I have to let myself to be sad or pathetic if I want to. The true happiness is exploring all variety of my feelings despite their negativity or positivity. And the best way to deal with past emotions or negativity is just to imagine that I am not present in the situation, but that I can see it through a window, and then slowly close the curtain and let it go.
It took more than a year to finally get back on my feet: the Fallen Angel, then the American and finally the Greek God - they broke my self-awareness and confidence. But now I am stronger and I know that each struggle, misfortune or just random shit are not going to drag me down. I am not going to sacrifice what I have built in 27 years for any guy. If he wants to be in my life, he has to be completely worthy and also to bring more happiness than I can bring to myself. Otherwise it is just pointless to settle down for someone who is not worthy. I strongly believe that I can do a great things in my life and I need support and an example from the person I am willing to share my life with. It was a long journey to feel powerful and feminine at the same time, but now I made it.
I know what I want and I am not afraid to tell that out loud. The person I am going to be with has at least similar level of education as I do - Bachelor’s Degree at Uni. He is working in management position or is having his own company, it can be even a startup, but the guy is showing desire for constant improvement. Financially he is doing better than me, as I know that men struggle when woman is earning more - they don’t feel as manly (it was proven several times to me). He has his own place: apartment, house, semi-detached house - I don’t care what kind of type - but at least he is not renting. He is willing to work his ass off, but still remains passionate and positive about life. The guy understands that the balance between personal and work life is the key, and that neither his girlfriend, family or friends cannot be forgotten. Regarding looks and health, he is at least 6’2 ft or 190 cm that I could wear my heels on, he takes care of himself and his health, does some sports, doesn’t smoke cigarettes or weed (maybe once a year) or does not drink alcohol without any serious reason. Also he is thinking about his clothes and hair style, in case of need I could give him some advice, but mainly it is his decision.
He is a person that wants to teach me things, but is also able and willing to learn new stuff together. The guy is into intimacy, sex and likes a bit rough intercourse sometimes. He knows what he wants and he does it without whining, he is proactive and knows that I need quite a lot of attention, but also that I like some space from time to time. He is willing to take new opportunities, likes doing some adventures, improvising and can be goofy and funny when it is time and place. He is driving a better car than I do and would like to go for a ride with me just for fun. We share similar values and religious beliefs. He is aware of great manners and how to please a woman. This is not negotiable. Period.