100 Eyes

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Chapter 3

2016-08-08

I wrote to the Greek God: “Hey, how are your vacations?” and he didn’t read it and didn’t reply.

It is the end of the Greek God’s story.

New era just emerged.

2016-08-07, 11 PM:

The words to the Greek God that I wanted to say so badly, but never did: I am so scared to wake up tomorrow, to write you and to get the truth in front of my eyes. What if you reject me and I won’t have what to fantasize about anymore? What if you agree to meet up and won’t show up? What if we meet, but you are indifferent and distant to me? What if you want to hear some magic words, but I won’t be able to speak? What if I understand that I love you? What if you do it too? What if we get back together - how we forget all bad things that happened and terrible words that have been told? What if you are the one and everything will work out - will I be able to live up to your expectations? What if all is just an illusion and I just wasted 7 months and I won’t feel anything for you?

So many scenarios and I can’t pick the right one. I am just scared. But I have to overcome my fears, at least this time. I have to be a grown woman and take responsibility for my actions, past, present, future, poker faces and my true self. I have to be brave, because as infamously said by Emma Watson: “If not me, who? If not now, when?”. One thing is clear - I cannot live like I lived past 7 months, enough is enough. I have to turn to new chapter - with you or without you - that’s your decision, but I will make the first step at least. Fear is my greatest enemy and my greatest motivator - I still didn’t pick the side where I stand against my fears, doubts and lack of stamina. But maybe these failures and successes are what makes us women being bold and strong, fragile and vulnerable at the same time? I don’t want and I am not going to be perfect - I am far from that. I just want a peaceful life with my lover, to share some small pleasures and happiness, to give shoulder to cry on and hand to hold to, and to receive same in return.

2016-08-06, 2AM:

I cannot sleep, I am thinking about us and listening to our songs. Is it going to happen? Will I finally meet you next week? I want this weekend to disappear and to know the truth faster, but I have to be patient and smart. At least this time I should be smarter. I remember all the things and how I didn’t cherish every moment. If I was there now, I would smell your hair, your skin, I would photograph every inch of your body and keep it in my memory. I would hold you tight and kiss you tender. I lost the most beautiful thing in my life just because I was too afraid of my feelings. The feelings were too deep, too strong and too crazy.

I am so afraid again, that you won’t meet me, that you’ll find an excuse not to show up. But maybe you will. It keeps my feelings alive. I hope that it will solve out as I don’t know what to do with myself, how to live knowing that all is gone and it won’t happen. I just don’t know.

The American (more - in the next chapter) send me videos from one year ago today, but I don’t feel anything for him - and I thought that I liked him so much. But it didn’t last, once I met you all was gone - all feelings for the American just disappeared and I was left with the bitterness only. But at the same time it scared me to death to start feeling something to new person - to the Greek God. And I kept waiting, I pretended that there were nothing: no feelings, no attachment, just fun and sex. Why was I so wrong? Why was I so stupid and naive? I kept waiting until it was too late. And now I am really afraid that it is really too late and I lost you forever. And instead I would like to be with you forever. Let’s see what the next week will bring to me: seeing you again and letting myself to fall in love again or I will have to forget everything and move on.

2016-08-05, night:

I just watched your old video and I still cannot stop smiling while looking at you. The feeling is the same and I cannot wait for anything else more than our meeting. I really really hope that it will come truth. I waited for so long and so patiently. I am ready now. I believe in myself now. I know what I want and it’s you. I am totally different person now. I am not saying that I don’t yet angry anymore, but I just accept my emotions and do not hold them back. I release them once they occurs and I feel better because of that.

When I saw your eyes, your hair and heard your voice on the video it was magic again. I don’t know what I am going to tell you, what I am going to do, but I know that I need to meet you. Finally. As the time came. I am more self confident, more real me and I just want to show you this side of me. And maybe you will start missing me as well. Or not. I cannot control your emotions and decide our future, but I can do my best at the moment. I re-read this chapter thousands of times, and each time it breaks my heart how much I have suffered and I want to end this pain once and for all despite the outcomes.

2016-08-01

I just broke up with the Friendly guy. He told me that he doesn’t have any feelings for me. And I was shocked, but glad at the same time and I knew what to do. I wrote to the Greek God and told him that I cannot stop thinking about him after 7 months and I think that I made biggest mistake in my life. He told me that he is surprised as he thought that I was really angry with him. I explained him that I had an idea that he is out of my league and I was angry at myself because of my mistakes and I put my anger at him. Let’s see what he says about it. In the meantime, I told the Friendly guy, that he is right and I am glad that he was the one who told that we do not have feelings for each other. I told him some time ago that I still dream about Greek God and that I am comparing them. That wasn’t the smartest move, but I wanted to be open with him.

If this isn’t love then I don’t know what love is. I asked Greek God to meet up for a coffee and he agreed! Probably it will be next week as he is on vacation in his hometown. He was surprised when I told him that after so many months I still think about him and I miss him. He didn’t expect this and didn’t think about it. I really really hope to see him. Once and for all. I try to control my thoughts and not to think about it, but it’s almost impossible. It was such a long time and I still cannot forget him. I started listening to our songs and now they seem so right:

“Oh, but when you’re gone. When you’re gone, when you’re gone. Oh baby, all the lights go out. Thinking, oh that, baby, I was wrong. I was wrong, I was wrong. Come back to me, baby, we can work this out. Oh baby, come on, let me get to know you. Just another chance so that I can show. That I won’t let you down and run. No, I won’t let you down and run. Cause I could be the one. <...> Oh, but when you’re gone. When you’re gone, when you’re gone. Oh baby, all the lights go out. Thinking, oh that, baby, I was wrong. I was wrong, I was wrong. Come back to me, baby, we can work this out. “ (Dua Lipa - Be The One).

“Would you mind if I still loved you? Would you mind if things don’t last? Would you mind if I hold onto. You so that I won’t crash? Morning light, I’m at your door. One last time, and no one’s there (Nobody, nobody, nobody, no). Drove all night, just to beat you home. Would you mind if I waited? Would you mind if I wait right here? And I really, really, wanna love you. And I’m really only yours. Even if it don’t last forever, I wanna let you know. We really had something special. It’s hard tryna let it go. I’m just being honest, I’m still in the moment.” (Usher - Crush)

“I am screaming your name on the top of the car for so long, if you give me a chance I will find a way to get back to you, when I’ll meet you I am going to tell you how I feel” (translated from another language) - and similar words now come to puzzle and makes perfect sense. I might be crazy, but none of the guys in my life took so much time to be forgotten. And I still did not forget him and dreamt about him even though the Friendly Guy was sleeping next to me. My love for the Greek God is stronger than any boundaries and this time I have to be confident and believe in myself. Otherwise there is nothing to be believed into.

Two days passed and I do not miss the Friendly Guy, we chat regularly, but I believe that it’s right thing that we broke-up. Seems like it had to be like this, I feel in the right place now. I believe that during these hard 7 months I have learned to communicate while in relationship, to be open and to say what matters most to me, also I started not to tolerate bullshit and I say so openly. I learned that not everything is about sex, that talking and feeling each other matters as much as sex. I understand that people are tired (especially working on 2 jobs!) and sometimes it is nice and cozy just to snuggle at home even without saying a word. Or when he hugs me while sleeping in the morning - the best feeling ever. I miss all of this. And not because of being afraid to be single. I miss all because of him. I don’t have anymore tears to cry.

July, 2016

Letter to the Greek God: I still miss you. Now 7 months passed, I wrote you twice, asked how are you doing, asked to meet up and you agreed. But then I was afraid and didn’t ask for the second time. When I still hear our song Dua Lipa “Be The One”, the memories come back. I cannot forget you. I made the biggest mistake in my life and I have to deal with it. I wanted you to be the one and I screwed things up. I was so afraid of what we can become, I was afraid of myself with you.

Now I am dating a Friendly Guy for a month and I hope that he will fill the gap. But I really doubt so. He isn’t you. He will never be you, but I have to move on. I cannot live with you in my mind anymore. I cannot love a shadow. I cannot be a shadow. You don’t want me in your life and that’s good. You were always smarter than me. I sometimes forget how I felt rejected by you. Then I wrote you again and felt the same way. I have to forget you. But I can’t. I don’t know what to do with myself. You broke my heart. My heart is still aching and I feel that physically not only emotionally. I wanted to make you love me again, but it is impossible. I have to deal with the impossible and that I will remain without you forever. Again I met a person at the wrong time. But I never missed anyone as much as you. I have never missed anyone as much. Even if they were dead. I hope that in the second life I will meet you again and it will be alright. We will be alright as we are meant for each other.

Why I didn’t dedicate the Friendly guy a chapter? I don’t know. I don’t see he him as one. I didn’t see the divorced guy as well. I would like him to be part of my new story, but there is nothing to tell. He is just nice. He makes problems as all guys do, but he does not make my skin vibrate, my head is not turning 360 degrees when I am with him. He is just fine and that’s it. He is smart and handsome, but does not make me scream how happy I am. I do not feel crazy. I feel fine.

Now he was thinking for several weeks about our relationships and got scared. He became distant (such a surprise). So I just told him to bring all my stuff back as I do not see this working on. But he told that he wants to meet up and discuss things. He wants to be in a relationship, but he is afraid that he might be a wrong guy, bad father and he will just waste my time. I told him that I am afraid that we won’t work in bed and that all of us have a lot of concerns. I don’t know how this is going to work out. It might be good, it might suck, but I just don’t know.

For the first time in my life I am just tired of struggling and making things work. I am not trying to push the relationship forward. If he wants to be with me, he needs to show it and earn my respect. As I am not afraid to be alone. I am not afraid to never get married and not to have kids. Whatever. I love myself just too much to struggle for any random guy. I have dated more than fifty guys. I don’t want to play this game anymore. Enough is enough. I am enough for myself. There is a bright future for me and no guys are stopping me going there. I am amazing and beautiful inside and out. I am ready for all challenges and I am not scared to face the truth. I am more than enough. I am a great person and I deserve to be loved and to be happy all the time. I struggled too much to be loved. But not anymore. My love for myself is enough and I fulfil all my holes.

May 2016

Approximately five freaking months passed, but I am still not over the Greek God. I am still searching for his face in the crowd and believing that our paths will cross again one day. Two of my friends saw him already: on a date with a girl and in a bar waiting for a friend. And I didn’t. And this is a small town, and I am going out so often - I haven’t seen him for five months. Sometimes I ask how this is even possible.

I was going to dates, lots of dates. The first week we broke up with the Greek God, I had 7 dates. I also met several guys later on, had a crush on a guy who was more into waking/ surfing than into me. Also I have dated a man for a month and met his parents, but apparently he got back to his ex-wife that he officially divorced more than a half a year ago. They broke up after she cheated on him while they were married. But as it is clear - this does not stop man from crawling down to cheating bitches.

The most funny thing that this dude had same name as the Greek God. The craziest thing is that I had a one-night-stand with a guy I met in the club also with the same name and similar height. So officially I am only into Greek God’s lookalikes and guys with the same name. However, thinking about him also had a good influence to me: I travelled to Panama (Greek God was in Puerto Rico), I bought an apartment (he had his own as well), I will soon start working with startups as my second job (Greek God also had a second job in a start up). He loved reading books, and I started writing one. So summing up, I started to become his copy cat.

The only problem - I want him back in my life. I clearly understand now that I made the worst mistake in my life by acting out, being a bitch, not opening my heart when he asked for it, pooping his birthday party, and acting out like a slut in public. I wrote to his friend’s girlfriend, but she didn’t text back to me.

I also saw him on Tinder today - I got such a huge wave of temperature that I though I will burn. And I swiped him “yes”. And you know what - I even imagine if he does it also. And then we start to talk. And then I say so nice words and we are back together finally. I know that this has to be a miracle. But common, I am a freaking crazy dreamer and once I start believing in things, somehow they work out.

I never had this long-lasting and strong feeling after a break-up for anybody. I also learned some huge lessons about me and my lifestyle. I even grown up and started to make adult decisions (not all time, but at least I try). I am ready to be in a normal and a lasting relationship. With him. I don’t want nobody else. Dear God, just bring him back to me, that’s my highest desire. I do not imagine any other guy that I could marry or have kids with. First time our paths crossed during business meeting, then we saw each other couple of years later, started dating and then I blew the chance away. Please make the third time work. Work work work - like in Rihanna’s song.

March 2016 - October 2015

Probably I won’t be a protagonist in this book, some might even think: “what a bitch!” and I am almost one hundred percent sure that they will be right. My decisions, and especially, my actions, were barely based on bright mind; mostly it is a sociopathic and sporadic behavior. This story will explain why I have started with such negativity on myself.

I have met him at the time when I came back after a long-waited and full of adventures trip that started very well, had a tragedy (at least in my mind) in the middle and ended in the way that I wanted. I will explain more in the next chapter where I refer to The American. So basically what I wanted at that time is just to be carefree, to have a great time and not to plan more than one day. Physically it was making me puke to plan more than few days; I just wanted to have one huge chill-out. Two days after the trip, me and my bestie were doing a bar-hopping and ended up at the place which we loved to hang out. Just before going inside we agreed to have a cigarette. While smoking I noticed some hotties playing table soccer and told my friend that we should go there once we are done with slowly killing ourselves (smoking, yes, I mean smoking). After few moments we were standing next to some guys and asked them if we could play afterwards and you should see their eyes, they happily accepted and even suggested to play together (geeks they were).

I don’t exactly remember how this happened, but the hottie, which I say while smoking outside, was standing next to me and were telling me some flirty bullshit while I was playing table soccer with the geeks. And what was my reaction? No, it wasn’t friendly. No, I wasn’t shy or polite either. I just told him in a quite rude manner: “You are distracting me from the game”. I remember repeating it for few times. Then he and his friend (who was also cute) left. So I ended up my party as usually: wasted, drunk, smelling disgusting from the pack of cigarettes. On the way home, we grabbed some pizzas and went back home. Then I decided to check out the guys that were my age or younger on Tinder. I usually prefer guys at least couple of years older, but we met some quite OK young ones at that bar. I swiped like couple of dozen times and went to sleep.

The next day when I woke up, I saw some messages on Tinder and one on Facebook. It was him - the guy that I was rude to. He wrote me in an easy-going manner and it seemed that I caught his attention at the bar, then on Tinder and then he found me on Facebook as we were sharing a friend. Anyways, we talked a bit and agreed to meet few days later. Instead of going for chit-chat to any random bar, I suggested going to ice-hockey match and he happily agreed. None of us have been there before, but were enthusiastic about it.

The date was smooth and we started chatting and dating regularly. He took me to various events: classical music, singing poetry concerts, cinema; we met each other at the bars as well. However, he didn’t kiss me for six dates what was awkward for such a whore as I am. Ok, let’s go a bit off-the topic. I have a very strange thing – there are two types of guys in my life mostly. With some guys I kiss or sleep at the first night and some guys take ages to kiss me or it ends up without any physical contact at all. So as you probably already understood, he was the second option. And it was getting into my nerves – I got him a bit more drunk than usual and kissed him myself. As he explained it later on, he didn’t want to force things as he was doing that before and now he is more mature. “Bullshit!” - I thought.

For one and half month it was like a fairytale, I couldn’t even find anything wrong about him. I even started questioning myself and told one of my ex-friends with benefits The Teacher about it (more about him in upcoming chapters). The Teacher advised me to be careful as he seemed too good to be true: young, sexy, good-looking, good-kisser, tall, has a cat from animal shelter (!), his own apartment, job at management, drives a great car. And what is the most awkward – is showing attention and wants to make plans with such a bitch like me. It is not that I look terrible, I am quite good looking. I wouldn’t be a model or something like that, but I have some nice qualities as I am tall and not fat. Also I can talk about various topics – from politics to cinema, from cars to art. But back to him – I was adoring him, at least from the physical perspective. Every time I saw his naked butt after sex, I was thinking: “Oh my God, I am banging a Greek God”. I was even fantasizing about him while at work, gym or home. I was feeling so lucky to get his attention and he seemed to be a man that lots of girls would be interested in. Even he told me few times that there are girls seeking his attention, but I pretended to ignore that.

I was waiting for something to be wrong with him, but couldn’t actually find it, so I started to rethink our conversations, think about the way the Greek God acts, how much attention he pays to me. And of course, I found it! If you dig deep enough you will always find something black to satisfy your masochistic needs. I started to feel stressed out about us; I started to think that the Greek God is texting not often and not enough. I started to seek for some bad labels that I could attach to him. And out of the sudden he actually started to become more distant, less happy and did not want to see me as often. I took this as a sign that probably we are going to break up soon. Every f u c k i n g day it was in my mind. I was thinking: “probably today will be the day, as he did not wish me goodnight”. I became obsessed with everything that included both of us and I started to see our relationship in dark colors only. Oh the funniest part, my behavior was just wonderful. I provoked an argument because we did not spend enough time doing active things, instead we were watching movies, going to the theatre and just being cozy together. Also I told him that I do not enjoy sex with him as he takes too long before we start the intercourse and I just want to fuck! Not too much of kissing, touching, no cunilingus, just animal sex, just deep penetration and that’s it! And this argument was a day before Greek God’s birthday celebration and lasted until 7 AM. Few times I even told that it is not working out between us and I probably should go home. The next day I got drunk during his birthday, went to smoke with other girls at the party (he didn’t know that I do), I ended up wasted at 10 PM and asked him to drive me home. I was wearing slippers, my shoes were in my hands and the Greek God took my stuff. After he brought me home with the taxi, I was trying to convince him to have sex with me while 20 or more of his friends were waiting at the party. Of course, the Greek God disagreed as he had more common sense than I did. I still believe that he does.

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