100 Eyes

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Chapter 5

I do not know why I did not call ambulance when I saw The Fallen Angel the last time, maybe I was got used to seeing him drunk or hungover, I cannot forgive myself for that. It is just heartbreaking how stupid and stubborn I was. But we weren’t a couple anymore and I wanted just to get back to my sane self. However, after I brought him food and medicine, I came back home having very strange feeling that something terrible is going to happen. As I was leaving to Madrid the next day to meet my friends from Erasmus from Thursday to Monday, I found Fallen Angel’s sister on Facebook. I asked her to talk to him and also I wrote to his friend and asked to take care of the Fallen Angel. I explained them that he needs somebody to talk to him or just be by his side as he felt really down, sad and lonely. His friend wrote to the Fallen Angel on April 16th, 2015 (Thursday), chatted a bit, but the Fallen Angel did not reply anymore on Friday. It was our last conversation.

Once I have landed back home Monday morning (20th April, 2015) I received a message from his friend that The Fallen Angel was found dead by his housekeeper on Monday morning. He mixed painkillers with alcohol - at least that what autopsy said and he passed away from a heart attack several days before. His uncle, couple of friends, me and my friend, that was the only one that knew him in person, came to the morgue before his body was sent to Norway for the funeral. I saw him… He looked like a peaceful angel, probably calm first time in his life. It was heartbreaking, but at the same time it was relieving. At first I didn’t knew why, but then his uncle told more about is real life: The Fallen Angel was diagnosed with bipolar syndrome since his parents had divorced when he was at age 10. Since then he had phases of being super excited and creating unrealistic plans what eventually would lead him to a great depression that he tried to heal with alcohol and drugs. He was constantly mixing drugs and alcohol, and the drugs that was found in his body after autopsy was probably from epilepsia, that he wasn’t diagnosed, but his sister was. So he probably took it from her some time ago. I am still not sure if he committed suicide or it was an accident, they explained that his heart stopped, but he was only 33 years old.

His uncle, sister and friends thanked me that I made his last days happy. I am really not sure if I did. Sometimes I blame myself, but I went to a psychiatrist the next day when I found out about his death and she told me that I have to understand that he was sick before meeting me and I cannot save or change anyone, I can save myself only, so I cannot blame myself. I do not know exactly how many, but some of his stories were made up, especially the ones that consisted the present day - he actually didn’t work as freelance investment banker, he was getting income support from Norway. As my country is relatively cheap comparing to Norway, he could easily rent fancy apartment, have a housekeeper and to buy food, drinks and weed. Also his uncle explained that the Fallen Angel actually worked in Deutsche bank for some time, but was fired and it was not redundancy due to 2008 World Economic Crisis as The Fallen Angel told me. And since then he didn’t work anywhere. I also found out that he actually lived in India, but he had to be hospitalized before coming to my country. However, he decided to come to stay in my country as his friend lived there and he didn’t tell that to his family. And it was his last journey…

Almost two years passed since we talked the last time and all the emotions were hidden so deeply, but once I read some conversations in Facebook by writing this chapter, my tears were dropping the same way they did that day that I found out that he is no longer with me. I was avoiding to write this chapter at any means, because everything was too hidden and I tried to convince me that it didn’t happen, that it was just a dream and that he was a terrible person. I was crying for couple of days non-stop then, then it took couple of months to understand that he is no longer alive. Sometimes I was dreaming about him and remembering the great moments that I had with him despite that I knew him only from February until April. I never felt so many feelings for one person, I was insane and addicted to him, he made me nuts and sometimes I hated him the most. Sometimes I imagined if not his self-destruction, we could love each other forever. Then I wished that we meet in the next live, where his parents would not be divorced, he did not have bipolar and we would be happily married and have children and grandchildren. But then I am back to reality and I understand that it is impossible. However, this story helped me to grow a lot as a person, I am not perfect of course, I am never going to be, but I understand that I can overcome any obstacles that come into my life, that I am incredibly strong and I can find positivity even in the darkest place. Also I understand now that powerful love exists and that how it is hard to see the one you love dying. My mother lost my father when he was 33 years old. The Fallen Angel was 33 years old as well. All of my life I was scared that I will lose my lover as well, and I did. However, I fell and I rose again.

Rest In Peace my love, my Fallen Angel.

2015-04-20 1:52 AM

While I was sitting in a bar with my friends in Milan, I texted him planning to ask how is he doing and if he is feeling better without knowing that it’s more than two days that he passed away:

me: Hi

2015-04-16

The Fallen Angel: It was so kind of u to bring me to bring me things, not I going to call ambulance today

me: U are going to call or not?

me: Sorry I did not understand the sentence

He didn’t text me back, but I didn’t want to bother him anymore.

2015-04-15

We were still chatting for a week or so, but I didn’t go to his place although he was asking me and trying to seduce me again, until he asked me to bring some medicine:

The Fallen Angel: Sorry been unable to even type. Still.. Maybe u have time u can bring.medicine and a few. More things. Call I can’t type

<...>

The Fallen Angel: Two boxes of smekta, two of paracetamol. Pills for saw through and two packets of cigarettes. Some dry biscuits. And most importantly drop by my friend. He has something for me that helps the most. And I can’t get it

me: I can get food and medicine, but I do not have time to go your friend’s house

The Fallen Angel:Just go to him then. Then I can buy the rest probably later or in the morning

me: I won’t

<...>

me: U can ask him to bring u weed

The Fallen Angel: He has no car. And his friends busy I asked and i cannot leave. It’s a tiny tiny bit. Police wouldn’t even care

me: Anyways. I am at home already

The Fallen Angel: Please I want to sleep. U drop by him and ignore the shopping

me: Sorry, I can’t

The Fallen Angel: Ur scared, so cute. Some ice tea. Make sure. U get recipe

me: If u need food I can bring, ok?

The Fallen Angel: Super kind of u to come. And ice tea. When I can eat I can go to shop

<...>

me: I still believe in u, please take back control in ur hands, if not for me, then for urself. U are a wonderful person and there is so much good things and people waiting for u. And u are not alone

The Fallen Angel: I really appreciate u coming and ur words.been a little better since u left and in the afternoon

me: I am happy to hear, hope that u soon get better. I want all the best for u. And as I told before, I am not leaving u alone

2014-04-09

By being at my family’s house during Easter I understood that I do not want this toxic relationship with The Fallen Angel in my life anymore. I can only be his friend now, to help him or to bring any stuff that he needs and try to cheer him up and ask how he is doing from time to time. I came to his house as a friend, but he still tried to seduce and kiss me, had to keep all my strength to refuse. He texted me afterwards:

<...>

The Fallen Angel: You made me so happy yesterday. You made me believe that we really are good for each and not damaging each other if we can just get past a few things. Thank u with all my heart

me: u are welcome! I am happy to hear that and I hope that u feel better and are happy again :)

<...>

The Fallen Angel: Nice to know i can still get your juices flowing

me: Did I drop it somewhere? :)

The Fallen Angel: Drop what? Did u forget something?

me: Juices!

The Fallen Angel: I just mean I saw a look in ur eye and it made me very happy

The Fallen Angel: When we communicate u are everything any man could ever dream of.

me: So sweet :)

The Fallen Angel: The truth can be sometimes

2015-04-05

While I was celebrating Easter at my hometown with my family, The Fallen Angel was alone in his apartment:

The Fallen Angel: U should be naked in my bed with my dick inside u and u should be on the pill so u can feel me shoot my cum deep into ur pussy.. But hey, life sucks get a helmet

me: Oh yeah

The Fallen Angel: Wouldn’t u like that? I would

me: My family is near and I am with pink cheeks now

The Fallen Angel: I suck on ur clit while we put toys inside u... Make u cum so nice. Xxx

me: U have no boundaries,haven’t u? :)))

The Fallen Angel: What are boundaries?

me: Oh u! Maybe this is why I cannot get over u. As u are bad and wild

The Fallen Angel: U should go to the bathroom and take a pic of ur pussy for me

me: Stop it

The Fallen Angel: Stop what, acting like a horney boyfriend? Who thinks ur super hot

2015-04-02

I came to his house the next day I moved out and he did not allow me in, I wanted to talk with him, but he refused, I was staying outside and called him numerous times. He opened the window and screamed at me to leave. I lied to him that I left my watch at his place, he told that he is going to send it to my work if he finds it. I was so addicted and I could not think straight at that time, my mind was crazy, exhausted, I wasn’t sleeping enough. Later on I figured it out that that day there was another girl at his place that he was planning to fuck her and I interrupted him, so he didn’t and asked her to leave. The next day I begged him to see me and we meet up and made it up. Again.... And everything repeated again:

The Fallen Angel: Ur so sexy xxx

me: Mmm says a veeery sexy guy :*

The Fallen Angel: Really someone else said too? I’m jealous

me: HahH

The Fallen Angel: Did someone joke. What is funny?

me: U being jealous for no reason is funny :)

The Fallen Angel: I’m a bit insecure, I just act like I’m not.I love u so much

me: I love u too babe :* No need for insecurity. I think that u just feel bad because of ur dates :))) And think that I can do the same

The Fallen Angel: I want to marry you one day when I sort things out with my family so I can look after u the way u deserve

me: I love u babe :* That is very nice! I do not need any special treatment,I just want u to be happy and healthy. That is the only desire that I have :*

The Fallen Angel: I know but u need a big ring and an amazing wedding, I can’t afford ring now

me: I never dreamt about big wedding actually. I would rather go to on a trip to south america and do it there. But it is just me :)

The Fallen Angel: I want it to be just what u want when it happens. I have no wishes apart from wanting u to be happy

me: So amazing babe :*

The Fallen Angel: Love you silly girl

me: Smartass! :P

The Fallen Angel: ???

me: I am not silly, but a smart ass :)))

The Fallen Angel: What. U are incredibly silly, u almost ruin our relationship everyday? Do u really want to pretend ur not silly

me: yes, but u know the reason;)

2015-04-01

We were fine for a week or so, but one day I came to his place and he was drunk again, so I could not stand it and once he fall asleep I took all my stuff and left, it was the second time I moved out and I never returned living with him since. The Fallen Angel tried to call me, but I didn’t answer. So he texted me the next day:

The Fallen Angel: I’m sorry u left yesterday and made me feel like shit AGAIN for a whole night. Sorry but it’s not good enough. I can’t be in a toxic relationship sorry. I wish u well in your life, u have so many amazing qualities.

me: If it is a thing that u want,I cannot do anything. I still love u. And u are amazing person as well. I hope that it will be better for both of us. Because now I feel happy and myself again. As I did not for few weeks. I still love u with all my heart and if u decide to change one day,I am letting u back again. My feelings did not disappear and is not going to disappear nowhere

<...>

me: But if it is stronger desire to drink than us, I cannot do anything about it. I tried and believed in us, and still believe, but I want u to show me that u can

The Fallen Angel: U make me drink, since I met u I drink way more as every night u make me feel like shit

me: I did not know that. And I am sorry for that

The Fallen Angel: I can but not for someone who hurts me all the time

me: It hurts me - the drinking. It is a cycle and we have to make it over, and I needed to leave home just to do that

The Fallen Angel: Leave me alone please and tell me u will leave my only friend here alone too

March, 2015

First it seemed to be a fairytale, my friends could not understand what is wrong with me and if I am high all the time. I really cannot imagine how I went to the work, what was going in my mind, but I was so crazy about him. When I was at work he always texted me that he missed me and he wants to do dirty stuff to me. He did not want to go to sleep early so he was staying most of the time in the living room, while I was asleep and then around 3-4 in the morning he would come and started to have sex with me while I was asleep. I really liked all this strange behaviour, I was not thinking with my mind then, but I felt very sexy and happy. However, I started noticing that he is always drunk, I started to skip some drinks and noticed that he always pours him some vodka and he is never sober. I started to tell him that he should drink less, he was ignoring that at first, but then he got very angry and me and I thought that he is going to punch me or do something to hurt me. But then he didn’t and I was calm again. His health started to get worse, he did not want to go anywhere, I got upset always staying at his place, I saw that he never works and just watches movies, but despite that he asked me to move in. I was not sure, but I took half of my stuff and came to him. But I saw his health and mood were getting worse and worse. I could not party each night and could not have sex every time he wanted as I needed to go to the work the next day, I started to want a healthy and calm life and he was not happy about that.

At the same time he told that he wants not only to live with me, but also to get married and then live happily ever after… somehow. I asked him to change his behaviour, to stop drinking as it has a terrible impact on his health, I even told a story about my mother being alcoholic, but it did not stop him. So I took all my stuff and move out. He called me constantly and asked to come back. I didn’t know what to do as I thought that I loved him so much and I am not going to love anyone else that much. I was still crazily addicted to him, but I could not stand his drinking and just not having any boundaries. He even came to the bathroom while I was taking a shower and was pooping in front of me - ewww!!! How disgusting is that? I told him that he has to change if he wants to be with me. At the same time his health was getting worse and worse, he was vomiting constantly and wasn’t eating anything, just drinking.

Despite that I moved in again as I hoped that I can change him - how naive I was back then. Things didn’t get any better, also I met his friends couple and I found out that the girl wanted to have sex with him while her boyfriend (and Fallen Angel’s good friend) was asleep in the same room. Thank God that this happened before we met as I would get nuts. But as they were the closest friends of his in my country, I did everything to start liking that girl and I became kind of friends with her as I wanted to stay with the Fallen Angel and I was in love with him. My birthday was coming and I also invited them to come, just because the Fallen Angel asked me, he didn’t want to feel lonely by knowing only one friend of mine.

Sometimes he was just loosing his temper out of nowhere, so I could never expect what is going to be his mood next. Also the morning of my birthday I woke up and saw him sitting in front of computer with a beer in his hand, then he scared me by coming to the bathroom while I was getting ready in the morning of my birthday and I did not get any flowers or another present from him and we had a huge fight that morning. He apologised, promised to change, but then he didn’t come to my birthday party next weekend. I called him numerous time, but he did not answer and he even texted to his friends not to come. If they would come, he promised never talk with them anymore. But they still came and he didn’t like it, but the next day despite me being terribly angry at him he apologised and convinced me to start everything over:

The Fallen Angel: I’m am sorry. I have wonderful ideas for ur birthday. But they will never happen unless u are kind to me. I love u and want to look after u today. Please let me. I still love you very much

Mid-February 2015:

For my biggest surprise The Fallen Angel texted me the next day after our first day and we met again. Somehow we ended at his place again and then we had sex, this time I could not wait any longer due to the biggest passion that I ever felt in my life. He was an extremely good kisser and a master of persuasion. The sex was very tender and soft, and somehow I really trusted him although I was scared at the same time. That couple of weeks I came to his place and he introduced me to sexual activities that I was not familiar with before: vibrator, bondage, masturbating in front of him, coming into my mouth and playing different characters. He even convinced me that we should not use condoms - I was always against that and told to all my friends that it is a biggest nonsense. He tried to convince me to have anal with him, but I did not agreed as it was too much for me. Moreover, he asked me to start taking contraceptives for him to be able to come inside of me, but I also refused. I also was coming during lunch to his apartment to have sex with him and then went back to work all satisfied. We were having sex numerous times, and I even had to take pills to stop pain in my belly. I felt addicted to the Fallen Angel. We were drunk most of the time as he suggested always having a drink, we smoked in the bed after the sex, also he was sweet in the mornings by making me breakfast. Once we were so high that we told that we love each other.

Beginning of February 2015

One day when I was expecting the least, I saw The Fallen Angel again on Tinder - it was probably a month after our first encounter and then we started to communicate again. I was extremely happy and I knew that now I won’t forgive myself if I miss this chance. So we talked a bit and I we agreed to go on a date despite it being a working day. I met him in the old town and at the same moment I felt a huge vibe, we went to a cozy lounge to grab some old school drinks. We were sitting in front of the fireplace, it was so romantic and he told lots of interesting stories.

He always told me so much about his adventures and I was fascinated with all his life: he grew up in London, then after his parents divorced he moved to Norway, spent some time there, then went to study in a boarding school in London again, then back to Norway again and worked as financial broker for Deutsche Bank in London, had lots of trips and parties. We told me the stories how they were going for a weekend to party in New York just for fun. He was also dating an Ukrainian girl who’s dad was an oligarch. But one day they broke up and he went to India to live for couple of months. After that he decided to come to my country as he had a friend that studied with him in Norway that was from my country, so he just moved here for no specific reason. As he explained me, he was a freelancer now and was working with the investments.

At some point he stared at me for a second and kissed me, it was amazing, I was feeling like on drugs or just poisoned, I cannot explain it. He convinced me to come to his place despite that I told him that I am not a promiscuous girl and I am not going to have sex with him, especially during the first date. We didn’t have sex, but he masturbated me and it was amazing, but at the same time I told him that I was very scared that he is not going to call me the next day, but he told me that he is definitely going to do that.

End of January 2015:

As you will see in the next chapter, the beginning of 2015 was quite crazy and I was a complete mess back then. I was quite confused in my love life at that time and I was behaving promiscuous as I did not care about anything too much. However, at the same time I was feeling lonely and searching for someone special. Eventually I met him, but the ending was tragical. The most unexpected part was that there was a real tragedy. At some day in January, 2015 I saw his profile on Tinder and it constantly draw my attention, he seemed to be good looking, tall, interesting and foreign. At that time I was fed up dating local guys as they seemed to be too cocky and just bastards. So I swiped him, he swiped me, I don’t remember what was our conversation about, but we had a very nice chat and I was willing to go on a date with him. But then… he disappeared. So I was thinking maybe I did something wrong or etc. I kept searching for him on Tinder, but there were no tracks left of him, then I deleted and installed the app again, but still could not find him, but somehow I was strangely attracted to him and thinking about him all the time. He came to my country from Norway quite recently and was half-norwegian and half-british and there was something magical about him, I cannot even explain it until now.

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