100 Eyes

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Chapter 6

2015-01-29

I am feeling fine, but the Mr. Self-Confidence didn’t text me today We have been to fives dates now. He kissed me during the fourth one. However, it’s his problem if he is not texting me. I am feeling fantastic in the meantime, despite the fact that last 10 days were crazy: I got into argument with my landlord, I had a huge flood in my apartment and the water were coming down through my floor to neighbors ceiling, then the construction workers of another neighbor drill a hole in my bathroom (what an accident, maybe they were hoping to check me out while I was in the shower). I also had to fails with Mr. Self-Confidence. This Sunday I went on a date with another guy and I wanted to let my friend know that I arrived safely and I am waiting him, but accidentally I texted to Mr. Self-Confidence. Then I had to lie to Mr. Self-Confidence that I it was a bad joke and I asked him to meet me up.

The second fail was when “Mr. Self-Confidence” and I were standing next to the movie theatre and my mother called. She asked what I was doing, and I told that i am going to see the movie. When she asked with whom, I pretended that I didn’t heard her question and tried to switch the topic and I was saying “yes, yes” instead. I didn’t want him to know that I told my mother about him. But she was shouting: “So now you are meeting “Mr. Self-Confidence”so often now?”. He was laughing, so probably he heard this awkward conversation. But then he was strange in the movies, he didn’t touch me or kiss me. And by saying goodbye he kissed me unwillingly,.

And I never heard from him again.

2015-01-17

This saturday I went on a Tinder date as regular. He is working in IT company and he is a team lead, 28 years old, talkative, self-confident, sporty. We talked for several hours what was a surprise to me as due to my recent dating habits, I had short 30-60 minute length dates mostly as I got bored usually.

Mr. Self-Confidence texted me the next day and told that yesterday was only a repetition before the real date, and today we are having the real date. We went to the lake at night at it was beautiful to see the frozen lake. He took my hand on the way that I wouldn’t slip - what a perfect excuse. Then we went to the restaurant and kept talking for hours. He was extremely interesting to talk to, as despite being young, he had lots of experience, various jobs and lived abroad. The best thing was that I could feel myself with him and I didn’t need to pretend to be different person. And was smiling without any struggle, he was initiative and manly. He never let me to pay and told that it is a nonsense for a girl to pay during the date. Also Mr. Self-Confidence is eating extremely healthy, almost never drinks, exercise on a daily basis, has a great sense of humour and he is very manly.

2015-01-11

I wrote a note for myself into diary: I will never text the guy first, to answer only 10 minutes or later, sometimes even a day after. I have to take control back in my hands and to play with the guys. I have to be relaxed, it only works then. And I am going to lots of dates until I will find the right one. I will give my attention equally to all guys, despite if there is one that I like more. I will be relaxed, friendly and calm, but I won’t forget humour and sometimes to make fun out of the guy. Otherwise the guy can become too cocky and self-confident.

However, I am glad that I started to go random dates as it gives me a bit more of self-esteem. I am not sure where and why I lost it.

No! Stop the negativity! Start thinking positively: I am a great woman, I love myself! I am perfect, amazing, magical, fantastic, smart, beautiful, talented, successful, I am doing great both at work and personal life! I am walking straight and smiling! I get everything I want, all my dreams come true.

2015-01-08

I am feeling depressed that I don’t have a boyfriend. I was hoping that by now I will have one. I really, really want to wake up next to the same person, to kiss his eyebrows, sometimes to make the omelet and to make love on the kitchen table. I am sure that it’s time for that now! More than two years I was having fun. I want to get serious, to love and to be loved. I don’t even more care about the criterias that I listed previously. I just need the attraction to that person, to have fun with him and that i would feel extremely happy with him. I want to love and to be loved! I want to sleep by holding hands. To make love until the sunrise, and to smile wildly once I receive his text. I want to roll in the sand with him and to touch each other’s most secret parts while swimming in the sea. The guy has to be: tall, charismatic, to know what he wants, manly, sporty and persistent.

I told the story about the Sexy Chef to The Teacher. The Teacher was living abroad and I have met him one day he was having a road trip and stayed in my country for half a day. I saw him on Tinder, swiped “yes”, as he looked like jewish - and I never dated jewish guy before, so I was thinking let’s give it a try. Then he insisted meeting me and we met, we walked several blocks and he looked very fun and intelligent. Once we met his friend that The Teacher was travelling with, he got a bit confused and not as talkative as before. I found out that he was Turkish and lived in Germany for several years, he worked at his father’s company and was doing pretty well, travelled all around the world and was extremely educated, he even knows Mandarin!

At that time I was going to dates randomly, as I live in the old town and to go to the date for me was the same as going for groceries. I would put make-up, straighten my hair, dress up and just go. I was a bit lonely as I never lived alone before, so it was good way to talk to people. Sometimes I went to several dates at the same day. I never met the same guys usually as I wasn’t interesting in serious commitment, I wanted just to meet people for a coffee or so. So The Teacher was one of those people. However, he came to my country several times later on, but we were more friends with benefits than real couple. I also went to visit him in Germany and we had a road trip. At that time we were trying to see if maybe we could become a couple, but understood that it’s not going to work and we just remained friends. We were too similar with The Teacher: both hot tempered and could make scenes out of the blue. He blocked me several times and then wrote as nothing happened several days later.

I was also concerned about his religion, he wasn’t praying every day, but he kept this option open when he becomes older. So he wasn’t an atheist, but also not a currently practicing Islam. And it bothered me. To be sincere, my country is not as international, and people with other religions, especially the ones from the Middle East weren’t too welcome. The terrorist attacks were also emerging, so I didn’t want to become a topic of discussions between my coworkers and friends.

However, what I valued the most, The Teacher was extremely smart and he was happy to share his wisdom. He was actually even persisting on telling me how I should live if I wanted to have a serious relationships. So after I told him about the Sexy Chef, he gave me some instructions how to behave with men:

Never reply to often. I love that you do that to me, but don’t reply to another guys, they will think that you are desperately seeking for their attention.

Never text him first. Only if it is very important.

Smile more. You are beautiful, but there is sadness in your eyes, the smile could distract attention from your smile.

Stand still

Don’t be too honest, especially with the people you just met. Guys like secrets.

Date several guys at one time, as I see that one guys is not enough for you and you need more attention than usually one guy can provide to you.

You have to attract his attention and to intrigue

But never look desperate for his attention and in general for relationships.

If you show too much attention, the guys start to think that there is something strange with you, that you are awkward and maybe nobody wants you

Guys have to seek you attention and to compete for you

2015-01-07

Dreams come true! The things that I wrote a year ago - happened! I am working in a new company and I love it! I am living alone in the old town! I have my driving licence and bought a car! I had amazing vacation with my girls in Malta! I also went on a roadtrip with “The Teacher”: we visited Italy, Switzerland, Germany! The summer was amazing - it was like I am having vacation all the time! The New Year’s Eve was the most fun in my life! My girlfriends gathered at my place, we had some martinis and went to see the fireworks in the city centre, then we went to the club to dance and met cute couple: they weren’t dating, only past co-workers, I was flirting and made out with one foreign guy, and we met two guys that were from my hometown, but I didn’t know them previously. After the club was closed, my friends, the couple, foreign guy and two guys from my hometown came back to my place for the afterparty! It was very fun! Then we went for a brunch with those two guys and thought that we will get kicked out of the bar for laughing too loudly.

The next day I have met some other girlfriends and the couple from the NYE and we went to a bar for some drinks, we ended at the club and I met devilishly sexy guy - The Sexy Chef. However, he was totally wasted. He tried to approach me several times, I told him that he needs to get sober first and I was almost getting the security, that he would stop touching me. And was telling me that I am going to be his tonight. I told him that I am on my period, so I won’t.

But something happened in my head - maybe it was alcohol or I didn’t want to miss a chance to make out with such hot guy - when he was finally walking away, probably to approach another girl, I took his hand and we started dancing and make-out. Me, The Sexy Chef, my friend and one more guy came back to my place for the after party. Then they left and I was making out with The Sexy Chef for hours until we fall asleep.

The next day I had a movie evening arranged at my place, I left The Sexy Chef to sleep, despite that I was still totally wasted as well. I took a shower, went to the shop for some drinks and food for my party. Once I got back The Sexy Chef wasn’t sure how he ended at my place, but he was still damn cute! As he explained me he was a chef and he came back to my country to visit his brother, and got totally wasted last night. His brother left with The Sexy Chef’s phone and wallet. He didn’t actually was sure what was his brothers address, but once he explained me, I knew the place as it was in front of my work. So I ordered the taxi and went together with him, as he insisted to give back the money for the taxi. And he did.

Once my friends came for a movie night he was texting me constantly. I don’t even payed too much attention to my friends cousin that I made out couple weeks ago. However, once everybody left, I took the taxi and went to Sexy Chef’s brother place as he asked to meet me and to grab some sushi to go. I have met his brother and brother’s girlfriends, they seemed nice, but I was interested more in making out with The Sexy Chef. So we decided come back to my place, we watched a movie, made out again, but I still refused having sex with him. My lips were triple the size from the kissing. He sometimes looked very manly, but sometimes very naive. I thought that it was my dream guy at that minute, and it was two of the most beautiful days of my life.

The next day I texted him, but he didn’t reply.

2014-03-02

It was several months from my last entry. Several weeks ago I broke up with The Left (L)over that I have dated since July. Everything was smooth at first: we talked until 6AM, we were making love all the time and had lots of plans. Then his ex showed up, he lost his job, I got into argument with his mother and she thought that I am gold digger. We were hoping that everything will eventually work out and maybe he will even move to another city, but it didn’t happen. He couldn’t pass his driving licence, I could not fit into his friend’s company, it was very awkward and we had lots of fights. I didn’t like the smell of The Left (L)over’s cat, the huge mess at his home, his dandruff, his toenail, that he was too skinny. It didn’t take long until he didn’t attracted me physically anymore and even his presence was bothering me, I didn’t like his failures and his weakness.

I was also scared that he was rushing into the relationship (we even started to talk about the marriage), and that his words and actions did not match. He was lying quite often and he liked to show things better than they really were, he was lazy and he was whining all the time, he had negative energy. He was throwing words that he loves me all the time and said other nice things without measuring the importance of them. The Left (L)over became monotonous in bed and he could not erect, but pretended that he did. It was a great lesson to know what kind of man I don’t want in my life and to know what I am really looking for. I am grateful for this opportunity to see what husband and relationship I don’t want to.

Then I convinced myself that my future man would know what he is saying. He tells things in a strong manner. He knows how to match his career and relationships, and he is sure that both things are necessary. He is strong and I can rely on him. He helps me out and I can learn from him, he is brave in stressful situations and he takes the initiative into his hands. He is aware about his hygiene and he respects another person by being clean and neat. His family and friends are loving and they invite me into their cycle without prejudices. He knows that a real man has to make a career, to have a car and his own home. He is aware of his health: he eats well, exercise and think positively and encourage me to do the same. He is strong and tall. He understands that a man has to pay for a woman while they are out. He brings gifts not only during holidays, but also without any reason. He is smart and intelligent, and he has an experience that he can share with me. In every situation he helps me and tells me what to do. He is happy to see me happy. He can deal with his social life and romantic moments perfectly. He has hobbies and goals. He never stops. He understands that trust and devotion are the foundation of relationship and it relies on it. He likes to travel, but at the same time he is good with his finances, he knows that he has to save for his home and marriage. He is initiate, strong at work and he does great. He is my man, he loves and I love him.

The Left (L)over wasn’t all that, so we broke up.

2013-12-14

I am back to the self-analysis, I was lost in the fog again. 5 months passed since I wrote last time and there were various events during that time. I took some vacation in the middle of July and went to the seaside with my friend. We rented a small room next to the beach and our main concern was to get tanned and go clubbing. At first we were only two of us in the club, but out of sudden my friend’s crush decided to come from her hometown and he brought a friend. I didn’t like the friend and it was quite boring with them, so when they decided to leave to another club, I told that I will stay here alone for few songs as I felt safe going home back alone. My friend and those two guys left and I was alone in the club. For the first time in my life.

It was strange and awkward at first, but then I went for a smoke, took one more drink and got back to the dance floor and just gave myself to the music. After an hour or so, the The Left (L)over showed up. He was from another city, very tall, dark haired, he dance well and had a spark in his eyes. Or maybe it just looked like that as I was quite drunk already. We danced for couple of hours, took some drinks and smoke until the club was closed. Then he suggested to see the sun rise in the beach and I didn’t argue much. I was perfectly aware that how this could end, but I just went with the flow. And yes, we had sex in the beach. The people could clearly see us, but I didn’t care, I haven’t felt such strong passion before.

Afterwards he brought me home and after couple of hours of sleep I told everything to my friend. She could not believe her ears and laughed a lot. I was 100% sure that it’s the first and last time I met that guy. Noone dates bad girls I thought. But I was wrong and he called me the same day and asked to meet up. I was having lunch with my friend and that time and we agreed to meet up at the club later on. Before I met him again, we took some drinks with my friend, danced a lot and flirted with the guys. My friend got interested in a basketball player. So once The Left (L)over showed up, she was not left alone. However, I didn’t felt as relaxed as the previous night. The Left (L)over also could see that and asked if I’m alright. My friends stayed with the basketball player in the club, and the The Left (L)over brought me home as I felt tired.

The next day we left the seaside and I went to see my family in my hometime to enjoy some more free time. I was reading books and getting tan. At the end of my vacation The Left (L)over texted me and he suggested to meet me the next weekend as he had some errands to run in my city. He also asked for my Facebook. I got impression that The Left (L)over was initiative, manly, sweet talker and self-confident man. He called me “beautiful” often and this made me think that he is a womanizer and not serious.

At first I wasn’t worried about meeting him, but once The Left (L)over told me that his brother and his girlfriend will join I got shocked a bit. My hands were shaking once I met him, but he took my hand while we were walking and I felt much better. I was also nicely surprised about his gesture as e.g The Geek didn’t take my hand while dating for several months (more about him in the upcoming chapter).

I was talking mostly with The Left (L)over and his brother, and the girl was observing me mostly. They seemed to be fun guys and I felt cozy with them. Then we decided to go to the club and danced a lot. Until me and The Left (L)over got too touchy and the brother with his girlfriend left. Before leaving he asked The Left (L)over if he is coming together and he told that no. However, the next day The Left (L)over had to go to the weddings of his friend, but he stayed at my place until late morning. We were having sex for hours, I don’t think that it ever lasted that long before.

Once we sat down to my table to check the laptop when the train to the weddings is leaving and I hugged him from the back and it was like the lightning struck into me. I felt something again. And it was so sweet and calm. It was a magic moment that I haven’t felt for a long time. I even got scared a bit.

He left, but he forgot to logout of his Facebook and I couldn’t resist if he talked something about about me with his friends. So I used search option in the messages and found something. I saw that he wrote to his friend about the sex in the beach and he told that it was his best weekend ever. Also he told some spicy details about me: a girl with small breasts, very skinny having completely waxed small vagina.

One week later he came to visit me again. We went for some drinks and talked about everything until that moment when he told me that he wants to get serious with me. I got extremely scared and drank few glasses of wine at once. I told him all about my ex, that I have dated for fours years (The Good Guy Gone Bad), about myself, that I dated other guys now as well. The Left (L)over told me the next day that while we were leaving the bar, I told him that I love him. But I don’t remember that as I was totally wasted. I think that he lies and I have never blacked out before.

The next weekend I had to go to the festival with my friends. The Left (L)over also decided to come there. However, I did not asked him to join us or to have his tent nearby. Once I met The Left (L)over in the festival, I didn’t like him, and I didn’t like his friend, who looked like a complete loser to me. So I just hanged out with my friends instead. The same day I also met friend for university dorm that I haven’t seen for couple of years and we hanged out with her all day long. It was very fun and I didn’t want The Left (L)over to interrupt us, so I switched my phone off and lied to him that it’ battery run down. That night I kissed two guys next to the stage while dancing during one of the performances performing, and once my long lost friend invited to join her friends company, I kissed two more guys over there. The same night once I got back to the tent I made out with my friend’s boyfriend’s friend: he came to my tent and I was asking him to leave, but then decided to give it a try, but after make out session I asked him to leave. The next day the boyfriend of my girlfriend was really mad at him - that he used an innocent girl. The friend didn’t know and saw that I was making out with four more random guys at that festival and I didn’t brag about it as well. So basically I kissed six guys that night, including The Left (L)over.

However, The Left (L)over was still waiting for my answer about out relationship status and I agreed to date only him. I had tons of work back then and The Left (L)over just got his new job and invited me to come his new company’s party. He was too touchy and too controlling there so I made a scene that he should give be at least some space. But then I felt sorry for him and gave him the first blow-job that he was very happy about of course, despite that it was his work party.

Then his ex showed up and started commenting on his every post and to write him long messages how stupid she was and that she made the biggest mistake in her life. I got jealous and told The Left (L)over to stop talking with her as I wasn’t happy about that. Then he kicked her out of his Facebook friends and told me all their story. He lived with her for four years, they were engaged and were planning to get married this autumn. However, she was having affair with another guy in London, broke up with The Left (L)over and moved there afterwards. The worst part was that she broke up with The Left (L)over the next day his father died from cancer. Also he told me that they broke up couple of months before he met me and I was the first girl after her that he had serious relationship with.

A several months later he told me that he loves me. I was very hesitant to tell him that I do love him too - as I wasn’t sure about it - but it was his birthday and I didn’t want to screw it up. Since then he became more filthy, he grabbed my hair while we were having sex and hold my neck, but I didn’t mind it. He was also looking raunchily to me while we were having sex. At first it was a bit disturbing, but then I got used to that.

Regarding other guys that I have dated when I met The Left (L)over: The Smiley Dude disappeared and The Russian texted to me few times, but once he saw my and The Left (L)over he got a bit angry at me. I told The Russian that it was his fault that he didn’t take matters into his hands and didn’t take the initiative and ask me to date with exclusively. He replied that he does not want to interupt me now as I already chosen which one to date and it is better for me to date a guy that is the same nationality as I am.

I visited The Left (L)over several times in his hometown and his mother made a scene the second time. She was angry at The Left (L)over that he does not fix the electricity and she insisted that he will take me to the bus stop and come back home in 5 minutes. He didn’t do that and went to show me the city around instead as we agreed previously. Once I left home, his mother locked the doors and did not allow him to come home, so he slept at his friend’s house. He was already thinking about moving into my city, but this encouraged him even more. Then we started to discuss living together and I told The Left (L)over that I do not want to live with a guy unless I am engaged and he agreed with me.

The next day he had a fight with his mother, he was fired. He started to search for the new one, but it wasn’t successful and it still continues up to now. I am very stress out about that. I also started to search for another job, as I think that I achieved everything that I could in my current position and there are no more options to climb career ladder for several years at least.

2013-07-01

Everything is getting hot in here: yesterday The Smiley Dude did me a favor and came to see me with a rose and asked to come outside. On Sunday I went with The Russian to art gallery and to asian restaurant. On Monday I was making out and drinking wine with The Smiley Dude in the park. I was really wet then, I would even want to sleep with him. As I came back home I saw a text from The Russian asked about my plans next weekend. He has such beautiful eyes and once I touched him accidentally while in the art gallery, I felt vibes going through my body. If I am meeting him this weekend I will take him to more intimate place and I’ll kiss him. I don’t even know which one I like more. I can see long-lasting relations with The Russian, he has great education and great job, a car, he’s living alone and he is not going out too often with his friends, even according to the zodiac we are a great match.

On contrary, The Smiley Dude is very fun to be with and we have lots of in common: same sense of humor, I can be goofy around him and he is a great kisser and very passionate. It feels more like a love affair, and I could not see myself with him in a serious commitment. Also he didn’t finish his studies, he’s job is nothing special, he doesn’t earn a lot, he doesn’t have a car, and he is renting an apartment with his friends. But I am starting to get used to his kisses and I want more…

Very naughty girl - who who would ever think that I would date two guys at once and I will get into love triangle. Maybe I will choose somehow, but for at least a month I will have fun: I will spend workdays with The Smiley Dude and I will meet The Russian during weekends. Then in middle of August or early September I will see what they have to offer and how they see our relationship. Now I am single and independent, so I can choose whatever I want.

2013-06-15

Despite what’s going to happen next, I am sure that I am ready to welcome love in my heart and to fall in love again. I don’t know if it is going to be The Russian or The Smiley Dude, maybe the person that I don’t know yet. But I know that it will be pleasant and lovely moments… I wish myself true and real love without getting hurt, without jealousy, angriness and other negatives spices. As I learned to love myself, I am ready to open for somebody else.

2013-06-03

When did I became so cynical and rotten that I started to assess people as things without any interest in them? Did the breakups effected me that way? I am not that empty person, I don’t care about how many guys are fascinated about me, I value true feelings. That’s way I don’t feel anything to anybody I meet, they text me and I don’t care, If they don’t text and don’t ask me out I don’t care either. I didn’t like The Geek as much as I thought at first - it was a matter of importance to get a boyfriend the next day I broke up with The Good Guy Gone Bad. I needed to show everyone that I am fine after breaking up with a boyfriend after 4 years.

By going to the dates I was only running from the reality and just wanted to win the prize. I think that those guys I were dating in past months felt that and knew deep down that there are no sincere feelings from my side. I am not that heartless bitch. But I have been hurt so many times and I am just afraid to pick up what’s left of my heart.

My mother was drinking non-stop for past two weeks, nobody stopped her and I didn’t felt anything to her. I felt empty. In general, I feel a bit dead inside, and it shouldn’t be like that. It’s not the numbers of views and likes of my dating website account what matters. The real feelings are what is important. The person being interesting and having affection for him is what matters. But my actions were contrary, I was trying to get attention from any guy in the club, even without looking or talking to him.

I am not that empty as I tried to convince the world for the past months. My co-workers started to say that I am cocky and unfriendly. And I have noticed that I am always going from one extreme to another: I am either too sensitive, or too harsh. I cannot stay that way, I have to find the middle and I should accommodate to the situation. A person needs to be insensitive from time to time, but not by all means and everyday, and sometimes he needs to show the sensitive side. Of course I don’t need to tell all my secrets to every person I meet. However, i cannot pretend amongst my friends and family that I don’t care about them, that I don’t need my family, my mother, and guys are just socks that I change every day.

I have to make my priorities straight. Otherwise at the end of my life I will be as Samantha from “The Sex and City” with my vibrator and memories about the dicks that I have conquered. Where did the romance, true feelings, heartbeating, butterflies go? Did love die and was buried with all relationships that I had? Or maybe I haven’t felt the true love ever? I am feeling confused and dirty, I don’t recognize myself, I’ve lost my real face.

Of course by living superficial life I am safe, nobody can hurt me, but fuck it! To is live it to breath, to breath means to take life with full hands and to see half filled glass, not the half empty. I am going to walk with my eyes wide open, I don’t want to keep myself from the sun. Hey life, my heart is open for you! Despite the possibility of getting hurt again, I can cope with it, as I already did. If you don’t risk, you don’t drink champagne. And I like the bubbles.

2015-05-23

If someone as perfect as me can exist, there should be a guy as awesome. Is it a bad assumption? If I can’t find this kind of person at the moment, I have no interest in hanging out with anyone. I have tried that and I just wasted my time. I am going to live for myself only and the way I like it, and no matter what others tell, especially no matter what guys tell me. I don’t see a point in losing my independence for a relationship if the person isn’t worthy. All guys em… are useless. And I made a huge project to find the perfect one, but nobody showed up. And I’m just bored now.

2013-05-11

Fuck it! There are no normal guys out there. The ones that are interested in me are freaks and the normal ones are not interested in me for some reason! I even started to think that I have this sign on my forehead: “Desperately needs a man”. I want to stop thinking about guys entirely, screw them all! I have to do other things, tomorrow I am going to the gym, and if my neck hurts - at least to the swimming pool.

2013-05-09

Men, men, men and love affairs: I am still active in the dating website, I am talking to various guys, and I choosing them according to my criterias: not shorter than 1.82m, with higher education, literate, not a Casanova or pussy hunter, interesting to talk to, having a great job, living alone or with friends, aquarius, aries, gemini, sagittarius, leo, libra or pisces, 24-32 years old, not a gangster, and he should know what he wants from his life and he gets that.

The quantity not always mean quality. However, I start getting addicted to the attention, I want to have more and more views for my photos, I want more messages, even from the guys that do not fall into my categories. However, I never looked that good as now: my hair is longer, I am slim, I exercise often, I healed my face from acne by going to the cosmetologist, my nails look amazing with gel lacquer, I have money for better clothes, I don’t eat too much sweets, drink less of alcohol and smoke less. I am smarter and wiser than before and I have experience in various life events. I think that I am just a perfect woman now.

2013-05-01

I have met with his guy and he looked better than in his photos: he was tall, stylish, blond, slim, 29 years old. He took me to the restaurant and we talked about everything: work (maybe too much), hobbies, life and relationship. He told me that he works in international company and sometimes goes on business trips. He lives alone, he doesn’t own a car, but uses taxi or his parent’s car instead, but plans to buy one. He had very interesting mimics: while I was talking he was always raising one of his brows. While he was studying he attended chorus and now he is learning to conduct. His debut was just after our date.

However, I felt not good enough for him, it seemed that he bragged all the time. Damn it! But what did you achieve when you were my age - 24 years old?! He is travelling a lot, skiing, attending various courses, sailing included. He got my attention with all these fantastic details, but now I think that he only wanted to show of. Contrary to him, I was simple and cute, the way I am in real life and I was not ashamed about it. Also I didn’t like when he called my city a village - maybe it is small, but it’s not a village, you moron! The girls are the prettiest there and the city is astonishing! He asked me if I want a rich husband and a house and to his surprise I answered that my main goal is work at the moment. Once I asked about his own goals, he could not articulate them clearly, he mumbled something similar as I did. Once he asked me why I registered to the dating website, I told him that it is an easier way to meet new people with similar interests then start talking with someone in the street.

Afterwards I met my ex’s friend as he studied the same subject as I did and he asked for some help on his thesis. Once he asked me how I am doing, I told him that I am extremely happy that I broke up with The Good Guy Gone Bad, going on various dates now, party and I don’t understand why I didn’t break up with The Good Guy Gone Bad earlier. The friend told me that The Good Guy Gone Bad became another person after our break up and he doesn’t like it much, I didn’t asked why.

The next day I went to my friend’s birthday: of course it ended in the club as became a recent tradition of mine. At first I was serious, but then I got bored talking with girls and started to flirting with guys. In few minutes one grabbed my arm and we started dancing, drinking and kissing. I told him lots of compliments and I was moving provocatively what was making him to feel uncomfortable, he asked me to stop few times, but his eyes were asking to continue. So I did. Once I got tired and decided to go home, he suggested to bring me home and invited his friend to share the cab. However, his friend was a douchebag and told me terrible things. Once the taxi stopped, the guy from the club kissed me and asked my number. The next day he texted me and thanked for the evening. And didn’t text me again. But I wasn’t insulted or hurt, he wasn’t my type and I don’t need a relationship that would start as silly as this one.

Several days later I started chatting with another guy, he looked older in photos than in real life. His eyes looked kind and good, he was polite and nice, and this made the date really easy. I met him in the lobby of the cinema, he asked me if I liked basketball. And I told yes. Then he asked me to guess what is on his desktop, and I told that probably Kobe Bryant. He was shocked and asked how did I knew - I told that he’s the best. He was impressed. Then he asked what music I listen to, I told that mostly electro, downtempo, sometimes I listen to hip-hop, soul and r&b. Also that I usually went to hip hop parts in my hometown. And once the song “Low” was in the air, the party started. However, I told that it’s not the best example of hip-hop as it is more pop song. But he contradicted that no, because everyone loved game “The Need For Speed” game at the time and this song was one of the soundtracks. I told him that I played that game in my teenage days and he asked me what wrong happened to me these days and why did I changed? I laughed and told that I moved to another city.

He seemed to be knowing what he wants from life as he sent his CV to his dream company and once he didn’t get any reply, he just called the CEO. He got the job after the interview.

After our first date, he texted me every day and once he told me that he is probably silly, but he likes me. I told him that I don’t think that it’s silly and I am very glad to hear. I never got any messages from him afterwards.2`

Maybe he was expecting for another answer. Probably…

2013-04-21

Promise to myself: don’t have serious relationship with anybody until I am completely sure about feelings for that person. Other than that - short lived romances, without any attachment or emotions.

I have to live for myself, the way I like and to be with people that I am interested in.

I have to live healthy life, to get a six pack until end of the summer, to weight 61-60 kg, to exercise every single day, reduce drinking and smoking, eat less sweets, cookies, milk products and drink less coffee. I have to avoid stress and sleep 8 hours a night and to go sleep at 11 PM. I want to be healthy, be satisfied with my life, and other that that should go to hell! I am going to do well at work, to exercise, read books, meet my friends, the guys should be only additives to my perfect life.

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