100 Eyes

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Chapter 7

2013-04-15

I haven’t talked with The Geek since the last meeting and the next day I saw how he liked a dating website in Facebook. I felt better that we made things clear. The worst part was my dreams: I have dreamt that he wrote me a letter saying that he loves me and he wants to be with me, because he cannot stand being without me, he needs to see me. But then I woke up and understood that it’s only a dream. It hurt a bit, but I am getting over him, I don’t want a man like The Geek.

2013-04-09

After I said goodbye to The Geek, I went to the club with my friends, we were dancing, drinking cuba libre, smoking. Once I finished my first cuba libre I went for a second one to the bar and I saw one guy standing next to the bar. I could not see him very well as he was looking to another direction and I took several strong cocktails before coming to the club. So I tried to accidentally touch him while dancing, he noticed that and suggested to get me a drink. Then we started to dance and kiss. And then I took him home. We were having sex from 4 to 11 AM, maybe 7 times, I fell asleep few times, but he still wanted to do it again and again. It’s like he was onto drugs or something. I thought that it was the best sex in my life: hot, various positions and aggressive. Once I got a little bit more sober, I told him that I have lots of work to do and asked him to leave. It was my first one night stand ever.

He texted me the day after and we exchanged Facebook contacts as I could not remember his face. He was okey from the photos, but I wasn’t impressed with the studies he finished and with his work. He seemed like a regular guy, at least he was fit. On my way to the work the next day, I felt very strange feeling between my legs. It was like something was stuck there or I had a huge abdominal bloating. Once I reached the office, I went to the bathroom and looked into my panties.

It was a condom there staring at me!

It was inside me for almost two days!

I screamed! It was the most terrifying and hilarious moment of my life.

I started reading articles about pregnancy and just remembered that it was the day of my ovulation. I called to my gynecologist, but she was free only on Tuesday. Then I lied to my co-workers that my tooth aches and went to the pharmacy. The pharmacy wasn’t opened yet and those 10 minutes were the scariest: what to say, what to do and what kind of medicine to get.

I asked for birth control pill that works for unsafe sex for the last 72 hours. I have asked if it is going to work if 50 hours already passed and the pharmacist doubted it, because it is most effective for the first 12 hours.

Once I got back to work I took the pill and still was stressed out and called to the doctor. The doctor told me that they are not going to see if I am pregnant or not anyways - it should be at least one week after the unsafe sex. Only then I can do the pregnancy test and they don’t do abortion as this is not a hospital. I told this story to my friend and she was laughing until she started to cry, then I started to laugh as well. However, she told me that these pills aren’t good for my health.

The One Night Stand guy texted me the next day and asked to meet him, I agreed, but wasn’t very excited about it. He was late more than one hour and looked very stressed out. It was me that talked mostly and I got bored after an hour, so I asked him to bring me back home. He was driving extremely slowly. And asked me several times if I was sure that I really want to go home, but I was certain.

Several days later we met again, he was more talkative, but probably due to drinks that he had before meeting me. According to him, he got a glass or two of alcohol as he was celebrating his CEO birthday at work. I wasn’t very happy about it as we were riding in his car and he was driving like crazy - few times I was almost sure that we are getting into car accident. Shortly after I told him that I have to meet my friends. He suggested bringing me back home from the meeting with my friends, I refused by saying that I am going to have a sleepover. He wasn’t a bad person, but I didn’t like his manners and he didn’t seem smart enough. He wrote me several times and asked me out, but I always rejected by saying that I have too much work, I am too busy with other things or his request is too late. So he finally got angry and asked maybe if he should ask me out a week before and I told that I would prefer that.

I took the pregnancy test a week later and I wasn’t pregnant, I was extremely happy as I didn’t need to get an abortion or to have any relations with The One Night Stand Guy anymore. I was disgusted how clumsy he was to leave a condom inside me! How’s this is even possible? I also got my gynecologist pissed off : she told that it was very irresponsible, she almost screamed at me. She told me that I am almost retired as I don’t track my ovulation - it was the same day I had sex - so I had high chances of pregnancy. I was shocked and scared once I left and asked to sign me another gynecologist.

2013-04-08

After the conversation with his friend, I have texted The Geek “Hello”. He wrote me several days later and told that I was asking his friends about us when he is really not related to our relationships. Then The Geek told me that I gave him a month to think about us and if I wanted to know how he is doing I should wrote him directly. I explained that “a month to think” was just a phrase. Then he continued by saying that he cannot promise me anything as he doesn’t want to rush things, he likes to spend time with me, but he isn’t crazy about me. Then he stressed out that I told him that I wanted to live one year without serious commitment as I had a recent break up with my ex, but now I am talking about serious relationships again, what does not make sense to him.

Two days later he wrote me again and asked me to meet him. I had plans to meet my friends, so I decided to meet him first and then to go to my friend’s place for a pre-party before club.

Once I met The Geek it looked like he wanted to kiss me, but I retreated suddenly. I tried to make things casual, but he was constantly reminding me that I shouldn’t write to his friend as it’s not his business and that The Geek had a month to think as I suggested according to him. After he repeated several times that he is still not sure about his feelings and about us, my patience was over. I asked him to stop playing games as he doesn’t want to date me and let’s be friends instead. Then he contradicted me by saying that I am going from one extreme to another and it’s not like that. I told him that it’s time I go to my friends, because they are waiting. By going to his car, he told me that I have to explore things, because I am still very young. The most funny thing is that I did. The same evening.

2013-04-07

Yesterday I accidentally liked a photo of one of The Geek’s best friends in a dating website. He liked my photo back. So I just wrote him: “Hey, you are also here!”. Then we started to chat a bit. I told this awkward situation to my friend and she told that it’s really wrong that I wrote to The Geek’s friend as they definitely are going to talk about me now and I will be a target for gossiping as they will think that I was flirting with the friend as well. So to make matters better, I asked him how is The Geek doing recently. The friend answered that he is seeing him only once he’s back from business trips, so he is healthy, studying and doing some sports and asked me how I was doing. I answered that I was fine, but it was shocked a bit how our communication ended and I don’t want to text him first and to disturb him. I continued by saying that it’s a pity as I liked him, but didn’t get the feedback from his end. The friend answered that he was sad to hear that we broke up, but he doesn’t know the details as The Geek does not like to share information about his feelings even with his friends. I was thinking maybe I shouldn’t say him anything else, but I wrote: “Yes, it’s a pity, but we didn’t broke up, as actually we weren’t a couple, you have to be a couple first to break up.” Then the friend got a bit stressed out and told me that he wasn’t sure how serious we were, as he saw us we looked like a couple.

2013-04-05

Men are very interesting, it’s either none, or several at once. I have several requests to go on a date, but didn’t want to. However, The Geek didn’t text me anything, it’s like he disappeared. Also I saw my ex’s new photo from the time we were in Barcelona and I got this ache in my heart. Then it occurred that maybe all feelings for the Geek were actually for The Good Guy Gone Bad as I started to date one just after the breakup with another. Me and The Good Guy Gone Bad were dating for fours years and feelings just don’t disappear out of nowhere.

Actually, I am really sure what I want now, and it’s a boyfriend. And I know once I want to have a commitment again, it should be healthy, normal and stressless, because I deserve it. Without this, I don’t want to date the first guy I meet, I would rather live my life and find new activities.

2013-04-03

Well played, well played. At first I didn’t think about him, was pretending to be hard to get, and now The Geek is gone. Now I know what I’ve lost. I have nice feelings for him. And I am not going to deny it. As I cannot share these feelings with him, I will share them with the whole world. I will love all people, I will smile to everyone. Why nice feelings should be destroyed? No, these pure feelings should be spread all around. I love all people. It doesn’t matter if The Geek doesn’t know that and he doesn’t care about it, the most important thing is that I am happy. All world looks pink and cute to me, I don’t want to get out of this zone, I want to hold these feelings inside, maybe this love will grow to love for myself. I am worthy for great mood and smile, I should share it with myself. Goodnight, beauty!

2013-04-01

I wrote a note to myself: it is better to be the girl that they want, but cannot capture. You are an amazing girl.

2013-03-31

My neck ache returned and I wasn’t sure if it was related to uncomfortable pillow or stress. Stress, I assumed. The Geek didn’t text me for several days now - he contacted me every single day before. I started to hesitate that we’re probably over and he decided that he doesn’t want to be with me. So I just have to continue living my live as regular as The Geek didn’t have a great impact on it. However, I still question myself if I should tell him how I feel? My answer is yes, but let’s see what are the possible options:

If I dated him without saying anything: without any attachment, with occasional physical contact, I would be in constant stress and keep analyzing our relationship again. Plus, I would get into everyone’s (friends and family) nerves with my hesitation and The Geek would become my problem no. 1.

If I stopped talking and meeting him without any explanation, I would feel that I lost an opportunity to tell him how I felt after his decision to keep things slow and simple.

If I just accepted what happened, continued living my life as it is and stopped waiting for his decision.

I don’t want to become a psycho and get physical disabilities due to all the stress, so I should accept how it is.

So I choose the third option.

2013-03-30

The last time I met The Geek, he looked like any regular guy out there, he wasn’t even cute anymore, contrary he just looked like a very weak man. It was a first time that I saw him in a completely different light and I knew him for four months by then. It seems that his imaginary crown and white horse disappeared, everything looked so gray and dull m. We even couldn’t look into each others eyes when we were talking. So eventually I got really bored and told him that I want to sleep and it’s time for him to leave. By saying goodbye he also mentioned that we’ll see each other another week.

The next week The Geek looked completely different - glowing, self-confident, smiling and a happy person in general. He looked the way I knew him from the beginning. I knew that today will be the day I will tell him what’s on my mind. However, I was still afraid that I will screw things up. We went to the restaurant and I started to talk, as I didn’t want to wait any longer, past couple of week were terrible.

I told The Geek that there wasn’t enough of physical contact for me. Also as we already slept together once, we should make out right now instead of talking like people that just met. This lack of physical contact got me thinking - if he is treating me like just a friend or something more, and I told him that. He answered that the lack of physical contact was due fact that I got sick the next day we had sex and I was having flu for more than a week, then he had the flu as well, so basically there were no chances for kissing. I thought that he is saying bullshit - I am sure that you don’t have to kiss the person to show him the affection.

I continued by saying that despite I look like a stubborn, self-confident and strict person it is completely opposite: I am very sensitive and take every word or action deeply in my heart. I also told him that I don’t trust men too much, I have crazy and negative scenarios running around in my head of what bad could happen. I have added that I didn’t feel good when he told me that he doesn’t want anything serious with me, requested to keep things slow and that he doesn’t love me. I advised him that it is better keeping things to himself than being that harsh. Then I told him that the date I went to was to show to myself and to whole world that there are plenty fish in the sea. He explained me that I didn’t look confused or insulted after our last conversation. I told him that he should be aware by now that I am dealing with stress and unpleasant situations by attacking. The Geek was also surprised how I could keep all these emotions to myself without showing any signs or saying anything to him. I told him that I wanted to have everything placed in my head before telling him everything out loud.

I asked him to explained what did he mean by saying that he “doesn’t want serious relations”. He told me that it means living separately, not being married, having kids. Then I asked him if he isn’t ready for serious commitment in general, is it just a phase or I am just a wrong person. He told me that it’s not my fault, I am still young and there are lots of possibilities to date other guys. For him, if he is getting serious, he would like it to end up with a marriage. I explained that despite career by my priority at the moment, I know that in 10 years I will want to have family and I don’t want to lose that option if he is never getting ready for serious commitment. I am not very satisfied with the situation when I have to wait as a sleeping beauty from a fairytale until my prince will finally saves me and get his priorities straight. I told The Geek that I want healthy and normal relationships, that he must make up his mind and it’s his business to conquer my heart, not contrary. I explained that similar experience with my ex The Good Guy Gone Bad. He was living for the moment and he didn’t know what his plans and priorities for the future are. This was exhausting to me and I don’t want to repeat this over again.

The Geek asked me if I want to know straight away or does he have some time to think. I told him that he can think for a month or so if he wants to. The most important for me was to explain him how I felt. So I told him bye and left home. I came back home feeling way better than before as I told him what was on my mind and what was actually driving me crazy.

The next day he didn’t text me. But I was feeling fine - I felt that despite my love life, I always have my friends, family, work and newly regained self-confidence - and I would rather be alone than with a person that does not love me, doesn’t respect me and I am worth more than that.

The Geek texted me several days later and asked me how I was doing. I was quite surprised to get his tet as I was convinced that it’s probably over and we aren’t going to meet anymore. I thought that it was price to pay for being honest, happy and peaceful with myself, despite how much I liked him. I decided that being single was better than torturing myself, it took too much stress and even my health was getting worse due to this tension. I answered him several hours later and wished him Happy Easter.

I understood that I am amazing, smart, intelligent, beautiful, sexy, cheerful, easy going, career and goal driven young woman, and the most important thing for me is to love and respect myself andto keep away from the people that doesn’t respect and love me.

2013-03-23

Despite my current success at work, The Geek didn’t ask me on a date. It was the ultimate thing to make me completely happy that day. He told me that he was sick, but he was online on the dating website.

I start to think that we are over.

However, I really liked him.

If it is going to end this way, I promise to myself to be single, to live for fun and for myself. I just heard a song Rusko “Pressure” and I think that it’s words perfectly suits the situation: “I’m alone, but it’s alright, cuz you are not the one”.

In general, I think that The Geek was very unfair to me as he knew that I just broke up with my ex and continued dating me. I would et him if his only goal would be sex, but we slept only once. I sincerely do not understand what was his agenda, he took me to restaurants and movies, I met his friends, I have visited his place, and he came to visit me several times, he texted me every single day on Skype and Facebook. What’s the matter with him?

In general, all men are causing only problems, they interfere with my goals, with my career, with my hobbies. Are these couple of minutes of pleasure and attention worth of all of this? I sacrifice all my day thinking about him when I could concentrate on my work. I am waiting for his attention and affection, and my day is screwed if I don’t get it despite all the good stuff that happened that day.

STOP! It’s over!

I feel like I am half tied up, and half free. I only want simple, beautiful relationships without poker face, hypocrisy, control. Relationship isn’t a project. Yes, The Geek is smart tall, funny, intelligent man, he gave me the attention that I was seeking from my ex and never received, but is it all worthy?

I have to be single, that’s my rational decision. I feel that I was humiliated as a woman when he suggested keeping things slow, but still wanted to see me.

2013-03-18

My psychologist liked that The Geek was talking about his feelings openly, because it is not common for guys to open up, and that it was an awkward decision for me to go on another date when The Geek asked me to slow things down. The psychologist added that my interpretations were strange, and despite not trusting my ex, there is no reason for me to be suspicious about The Geek. He advised just to ask The Geek what kind of relationships he wants, what does he mean by saying to slow things down and if he is ready to get serious in general - as I cannot get into another person’s mind and that’s why I should ask all the questions openly. I responded that I agree with the psychologist and in general I want to have family and kids in five years from now. So I just have to find out if The Geek has same future plans.

Once I came back home, the negative thoughts were running in my mind: I don’t trust men and I am scared to death to be heartbroken again, and I don’t think that any guy would want anything serious with me. I am worthy only short-term relationships, hook-ups without happy endings. I believe that nobody is going to love me, because I am not worthy. I do not believe in happy endings, because life is not a fairytale. It’s only me that loves myself, others don’t.

Where did I get all negative thoughts from? Is it from the teenage days when I was lacking of self-confidence? Is it childhood traumas when I saw my mother drunk? Is it due to the ending of my parents relationships - my father’s death? Is it that I don’t believe in happy endings as there wasn’t one in my family? Is this the basis for the negative visuals, scary scenarios, sarcasm and huge shame when I feel attached to someone? Am I hiding, because I am scared? Maybe I am scared of affection and love as I saw how my mother lost my father?

Probably.

I think that all love stories end sooner or later, your loved ones die, they become alcoholics, they leave each other, they get sick, they divorce.

That’s why I don’t anyone to love me, it is easier to be alone and I don’t want to see a person to suffer as my mother did.

I am frightened now, my body is shaking as I found out this scary truth. I am looking in the eyes of it. I am crying more than I can handle.

All nightmares, all dark secrets and demons are in the inside of human’s mind. Dinosaurs, werewolfs, zombies do not exist, they are just feelings. The human is the demon and angel at the same time. That’s why there is no God, all comes from within - it’s called Love. God is where love is, and contrary. All good and bad is hidden in our conscious mind and we can choose what needs to be released. I don’t want to be scared anymore and to run away from these demons. They are me, and I am them. And I have to start loving and accepting them as integral part of me, so they can calm down and become gods and angels. Gods that would shine my love from my within. My inner gods are love, self-confidence, patience, persistence, perception, happiness, smile, good mood, courage and other positive feelings. My demons: fear, anger, sadness, despair, hatred, stubbornness. But without gods, without demons, there would be no Me.

Yes, it is sad that my family is like that, yes, I am afraid to trust men, yes, I am scared to get hurt. But I cannot live in one more sand castle hidden from the reality and with one hundred eyes staring at me through open windows. I live here and now, I love, I am scared, I care and hate at the same time.

2013-03-17

No week without dramas! I cannot stop thinking about The Geek. I feel that I am falling for him. And he doesn’t feel anything for me. And that’s why I am scared to death and I am frustrated. I just re-read our conversation and it’s obvious that I am into him and he isn’t. This hurts me, I do not want to have this feeling again. I got lots of dramas in past four years with The Good Guy Gone Bad. Maybe I should tell The Geek that I cannot control my emotions, I cannot pretend that I don’t feel anything for him, when I do. However, I am afraid that I will lose him.

Yesterday something happened, he took me from my rational self, I felt butterflies in my stomach, I was listening to love songs.

It’s a disaster, it seems that I am destined to love without response. I am too quick to fall for the guy.

Today my mind is totally crazy: I am waiting for his approval, for his steps that would confirm that he feels something to me as well. Damn! It is the same as it was with The Good Guy Gone Bad! I cannot allow myself the same kind of relationships again! I am scared to death that The Geek can see my feelings, can see through my soul and this is the reason why this relationship will fail as the previous one.

And yes! I have to confess to myself that it hurts as hell that I am no longer with The Good Guy Gone Bad! I loved him more than I love myself! I loved him more than my life! I could give him all of me, but he didn’t take it and made look like a fool with all my love and everything that I gave to him. I am crying for the first time in 3 months after we broke up with The Good Guy Gone Bad and I cannot stop my tears! I am angry, I am sad that the person that had to stay until we were old spit into my feelings and love. Everything was more important to him than me: friends, family, travelling, new adventures. I was only “A Plus One”, which would never leave, because it does not have where to go. I loved him so much, I wanted him so much, I was thinking about his body every day, he was my best friend, my sun. The sun that I revolved around. And he didn’t even have the guts to meet me and to break up in a decent manner, he didn’t text me even once, he didn’t ask me how I was doing during these 3 months. Everything that was build for 4 years disappeared as a sand castle in the sea. Together with my prince. It seems that it was different life and it was just only a dream that I just woke up.

I have to let it go, I cannot compare other men with The Good Guy Gone Bad, because he is not in my life anymore and he is not coming back. I am closing this page with a smile by remembering all the good and fun things that we had and with the lesson that I have learned. I am living in present and I am here now, I have to forget the past. I have to write everything down, just to stop this torture and to close it as the box of Pandora.

And back to the The Geek: we had a huge fight this Thursday for the first time. We just started to talk and he told me that he went out with his colleagues and this reminded him about me, because I am like Paris Hilton for him and then asked when I am going on another date. I asked him why does he constantly remind me about dating others. The he answered: “I am just messing around with you, but you run to that date the first day”. I asked him to clarify what did he have in mind by saying the first day. Then The Geek told me that once he left Sunday, the next day I went on a date with another guy. I asked what was his problem with that - is he mad or something - because I even asked if he doesn’t mind me going out with another guys and he agreed that it is not a big deal. And in general, I should not ask him about that at all and just go to the date, because we aren’t committed. The Geek contradicted that he isn’t saying that it’s bad or good, it was just strange for him - he thought that I am like a dog that just got out his leash.

I didn’t want to talk to him anymore despite that he tried to make some jokes. However, he asked me if I think that he is a bad person, I told him that he does not think before he say mean things and he agreed with me and told that Skype is not the best place to discuss things.

Then I started to think if he is really that bad. At the same time I was sure that is impossible to know other person’s next move - as it was with The Good Guy Gone Bad.

I have a problem in trusting men. If I see that everything is going wrong and I cannot control it, I get scared. I really wanted to believe that it could eventually work out with The Geek, but once he told me that he wants to slow things down got me thinking and I got suspicious. I lost trust in him. And how can I believe in something beautiful when I lost hope? How can I open to him after that?

If I am afraid that a person has a knife and can stab me in the back and cut my throat, how can I be honest with him? How can I open my heart and let it be broken at the same time? How can I let him to decide our future when I am scared to death that it will be the same as it was with The Good Guy Gone Bad and I will be lying in my own blood?

Despite my dark thoughts, The Geek asked to meet me. I wasn’t in the best mood, I had a hangover from meeting my friends, drinking wine and champagne, smoking and sleeping only couple of hours. Also it was very hard to talk as he was constantly interrupting me and I was self-confident enough to tell him that. He didn’t like my self-confidence, until the moment I almost fainted and told him that I don’t feel well. Then he really got scared and changed his attitude towards me and become caring and nice. He brought me home after the movie and we chatted for several hours, but I was not feeling good to tell with everything what was in my mind, so we kept it casual. However, he left by kissing me into the cheek. Seriously? Common, we already slept, you moron!

I told everything to my friend and she advised me starting dating another guys, but I didn’t want to, because I liked The Geek. I didn’t want to listen what other people told me once I was with The Good Guy Gone Bad either.

I also told my friend that once I saw The Geek, I thought that I could marry him.

However, he doesn’t want to be with me and I want him desperately - what a collision? He wants us to be together and he is afraid of it, and I am afraid that he won’t change his mind. There is a vacuum between us. There is nothing in common. And I am not sure if he ever wants to get serious with anyone.

I am happy to be single for a while, but in general I want to have a steady relationship, to be a wife, to have my own home and family, to have children. I don’t want it now, but I want to have this option open. However, I cannot tell him that as he is going to get frightened again. But if he wants to stay single forever, I probably should let him go. I cannot lose an opportunity to meet somebody that wants the same as I do. One year is fine for “no strings attached”, but I cannot take it for longer. I should also get my wounds healed after the break up with The Good Guy Gone Bad, but not longer than that.

I have 8 months and 20 days left.

That day I tried to encourage him starting talking about sex having in mind that he might agree to be my fuck buddy. The movie we saw that day was also about porn. I told him that I think that sex is the same human need as food or sleep, but he didn’t answer anything about it. Once I got back home I sent him a link to Massive Attack song “Paradise Circus”. The video was extremely sexy, but again - no reaction.

I got really confused if I need sex from The Geek or is it something more? It seems that everything is about the sex to me these days that the tension is in the air, I can feel the pheromones and sexy bodies everywhere. It takes only seconds until I start fantasizing about having sex - the wet body touching one another, the way they are moving in a perfectly harmonized manner. The steam that is coming from the hot bodies and the way tongues are fighting their battle. The hands are touching the most sacred places and it even hurts how much I want to make love the whole day non-stop as we did with The Good Guy Gone Bad.

I remember the feeling lying naked next to my loved one, how after just ten minutes of rest I want him again and start touching his body, because I cannot keep your arms to myself. And all the magic and fairytale starts again - it goes for five or six times again until we fall asleep tired, but satisfied. There weren’t anything more sexual and sacred than those moments. It felt that all world just disappeared and it’s only me and my lover.

I have never analyzed my relationships, sex, love, guys as much as I did the last several months. I kept everything in my mind usually. And by having it in my mind it was a total chaos, millions of thoughts were flying around and it was so stressful to me, even my neck hurt. I don’t feel as much tension now. I think that despite being totally confused, writing, talking with psychologist, my family and friend helps me. In the past, I kept everything to myself until it started to boil as kettle and then I exploded. I wasn’t ready to share negative aspects of my relationships - it was shameful for me in the past. But now I believe that it’s as normal, as all emotions are.

2013-03-13

I met my friend and told her how The Geek suggested to take things slow. She advised me to ignore him for a week and to go on dates with other guys and to inform The Geek about it. So I did! One guy from dating website wrote to me once again and I agreed to meet him the same day. Then I started to panic and hoped that The Geek will text me and save me from this desparate date. Actually, he did, but he made it even worse - he encouraged me. The Geek told me that he wasn’t against me dating other guys as long I wasn’t having sex during the first date. Couple of hours later, The Geek asked me how was my date, but I was still only getting ready for it.

The date was very wack.

Actually, it was bad.

We walked back and forth and after 40 minutes I told him that I have to meet my friend. The guy seemed to be very simple, but what I didn’t like the most was his attitude. He was complaining a lot and was being generally negative. Also he seemed to be very prudent, even stingy. I didn’t like his appearance much either - he was chubby. Despite being tall, he looked better in photos.

Way better.

Once I got back home, I didn’t turn Skype on for several hours, but once I did, The Geek texted me: “Oh, now you are not only party girl, but also a dating guru!”.

The next day The Geek asked me why I am not on date today? When I replied to him asking: “Why should I rush?”. The Geek responded with one more question: “I thought that you’ll move in with someone by now.”

In the meantime, the guy from that lame date were sending me texts, Facebook messages and trying to reach me desperately. He suggested to meet up again, to come to his place and watch a movie (seriously?), but I tried to refuse politely as possible. I needed to keep him in touch in order to have material for The Geek to be jealous.

Honestly, I really don’t know how to react to The Geek’s behaviour. It hurt me once he said that there are no special feelings for me. But at the same time, there is no rush, I want to see where it goes. If it is getting nowhere.

To sum up, I had a great time with The Geek, also it helped me to forget my ex The Good Guy Gone Bad completely. Additionally, the proper amount of attention from men and various options helps to increase my self-esteem. It helped me to understand that there are plenty guys waiting for my attention, because I am interesting, intelligent, feminine, and I also have that special “spark”. It is the most important to know that there are lots of guys following you and that is the reason to walk straight, self-confident and keep smiling.

I have to love myself, then others will start loving me as well.

2013-03-11

After reading what I wrote yesterday, I just think that The Geek is just not ready to go from the dating into serious commitment phase, because he is not sure about his feelings. I was also afraid if we start a relationship, then the dating stops and routine comes. After all, dating is the most fun part. I didn’t have dating phase with my ex-boyfriend The Good Guy Gone Bad, we started seriously since the beginning and everyone were referring to us as a couple since the start. At this point, I am not sure if this is better or worse that we can talk this through with The Geek - that we can talk if we suit each other, and if not, then we can just go separate ways without any attachment or hearts been broken. However, I can agree with The Geek about not having serious commitment, but I still have my physical needs and I think that we should have sex on regular basis. I wonder what would he think about it? Probably he wouldn’t get that I JUST want to have sex. It does not matter with whom, how or where, I just want to bang! It basically means that I should keep seeing The Geek, but to have another sex partner.

2013-03-10

The next day The Geek texted me again, but I actually cannot understand him: when he wanted to rush things, I agreed; once he asked to slow things down - I agreed, so what are his intentions now? I decided that I need to concentrate on my work, career, my goals. Relationships, sex, love are only tools that makes a person feel good, but it is not the core as there are higher goals. I want to be honored for my career achievements, not my love affairs. I am not saying that I do not need physical contact, but I can achieve it almost with everyone, I could sleep with anyone, especially when I do not have experience with lots of sexual partners, but I would want to have sex with more guys. And if The Geek wants to have sex with me, he should ask it himself, I am not going to push it to it or ask for the relationship. After all, I think that yesterday’s conversation with The Geek that he is not ready to commit is good for me - it opened my eyes. I got my ass kicked and I wasn’t myself with The Geek: I was pretending to be weak, fragile and soft. And now I am my true self: strong, rational and a fighter. In overall, commitment is wrong for me: I become too submissive, I get my pink goggles on. I am better than that, I am more successful when I am rational. Otherwise it is like walking on a rope above the volcano.

2013-03-08

It was the first time when I told my psychologist about The Geek. I told how we met: I have registered into dating website the next day I broke up with my boyfriend of more than four years - The Good Guy Gone Bad. So after all this long-lasting and hard relationship and I just wanted things to go easy and slow, at least for the first several months. Also I told the psychologist that I am comparing The Geek with The Good Guy Gone Bad, that I am afraid of getting into relationship again, that the last two weeks it seems that The Geek is distant to me. The psychologist told me to be open and to ask The Geek what he thinks about our relationships without being afraid to destroy everything. He advised that it is better to know sooner than later when there are stronger feelings involved. I promised to do that this week once I will The Geek face to face.

I met The Geek that friday and he brought me some flowers and then we went to meet his friends. Girls wanted to go to the club, but The Geek wanted to stay at the bar, so we stayed did. We talked about random things, and then we started to talk about us. I told him that he seemed more tired and passive than when we met, but he wasn’t into the discussion. When he brought me home, I suggested him to come for some tea at my home, but he refused. I got pissed off, but didn’t say anything about it as he really looked tired and I left home.

He called me the next day and suggested going to the movies, but he came early and asked if he can get some tea at my place. Then he started to talk: “I want to talk about us, <...> I cannot say that I love you or I want to be with you all my life, <..> I think that we should slow things down”. When he was talking my cheeks were on fire, my mouth was completely dry and my heart was beating as crazy. He continued: “As you mentioned in the club that you don’t want to share and want to be one man’s woman, I cannot guarantee that for you.”

Then I interrupted him and told him that he misunderstood me, I asked him to come for tea yesterday without any intentions, I did not want to talk about the commitment. Once I refered about one man’s woman, I had my previous roommate in mind and it wasn’t about me. Once she told me that she wants to be one man’s woman, but her actions were contradictory and she was going out with several guys at once. I continued my bizarre show by explaining him that I did not plan to have any relationships and it was a complete accident that I met him two days after I broke up with my ex (The Good Guy Gone Bad). I met him just to cheer up and didn’t have any intentions for relationships for upcoming several years. That it is nothing special that we had sex after the club, that I am a passionate woman and I need physical contact - this not necessary mean love. To make matters worse, I bragged that I met other guys when I visited my friends in another city few weeks ago, but I stressed out that I haven’t slept with them. I continued saying that we don’t know what the future is going to bring us and we just have to live for today.

The Geek answered that his parents were very keep on family values and they live concentrated on him and his brother, parents kept controlling them once they grew up and it was very hard to get detached from them. Then he asked about my family, if my parents got divorced. I told him that my dad died when I was 5 years old and my mother has a boyfriend for last 10 years and they started to live together once I went to study in another city. However, I do not consider my mother’s boyfriend as father, I was always against man coming to our family and my mother kept tolerating it. Maybe that’s why I am so independent and self-caring.

Also we talked about his past affairs and that all his ex-girlfriends wanted to have serious relationships, openness and love. He didn’t want to hurt them and talked about feelings for hours. I told him that we talked only several times a week with The Good Guy Gone Bad to agree when we are going to meet each other and to receive texts from The Geek every single day was something new for me. Additionally, I explained why I broke up with The Good Guy Gone Bad: we didn’t share mutual vision on future, that he didn’t have any life goals, he didn’t want to make a carreer, he just wanted to stay with his friends and to party. For the first several years I could keep up with him and party together, but once I got the job, it become my priority. Then I felt that I outgrown him.

The Geek told me that his longest relationship was of two years and basically he is happy being single. I asked him is it because somebody broke his heart? Then he confirmed that he dated a girl, but she went to live abroad and after some time he could not deal with long-distance relationship anymore, wanted physical contact and then suggested to broke up. After a month or so he decided that he made a mistake, but she didn’t want to get back together. Then I asked him what he meant with this conversation - are we stopping from seeing each other? He disagreed and just told that he wants to slow things down. Then I contradicted him by saying that he was the one that wanted to rush things in the first place. I told him that each relationship is very different, he should not compare us to the others and I don’t want to rush things either.

Later on I opened up more about me and The Good Guy Gone Bad: that he always wanted me to do things he liked despite my desires: to play bowling together, play poker, drink beer or whiskey with his friends and that I am very patient and can keep my emotions for very long time, but once something or someone gets into my nerves - I explode and there is nothing that could make me stay with that person. I also mentioned that I do not feel anything to The Good Guy Gone Bad: neither love, nor hatred, it is just empty. That I hate labels and what other people say about the relationship: when it’s time to get serious, when it is time to get married. The Geek told me that one year should be enough to know that, but I disagreed as we were too young after one year of dating - we were only twenty years old.

The Geek shared a secret with me - he also went to the psychologist since 18 despite his parents knowing about it. He wanted to solve family control, self-confidence and unhappiness issues. It took 8 years until only recently he could take matters into his hands and stop the visits. I complimented him that he is one of severe guys that can speak up openly. However, he shocked me by saying that it was a long time ago once he felt his heart beating stronger. In the meantime I butterflies in my stomach once he accidentally touched my arm or shoulder, or when he gazed at me. But I lied that it is same for me - I didn’t anything for anyone for a long time. I told him that when I was a teenager I could fall in love with ten different guys in one summer, but now it’s different.

I was having a feeling that it is not going to work with The Geek, but hoped that he can become a fuck-buddy as I really needed sex only.

2013-02-27

Yesterday was the first day I got back to work after having flu for a week and The Geek texted me asking if I am going to be at home this evening. I told him that I have to run some errands and then I will get back home. Then he asked me if I am going to be at home at 8 PM and I confirmed. Afterwards he didn’t wrote me anything and I got pissed off about it. I was in my pajamas and telling to my roommate that The Geek is a total douchebag, when he called me and asked to open the door. I panicked and told him that I wasn’t expecting him, but he explained that he informed me about coming at 8 PM. He brought some soup and fruits. We talked for several hours, but not kissed and then he went back home. I was very surprised about his visit and could not be angry at him anymore. I don’t know if we are getting anywhere, but I would really want to know. So I should stay calm and see where it goes.

2013-02-25

Midnight:

Oh my God, I don’t know what is wrong with me! I want The Geek to be mine and only mine. I want to be with him. My mind is obsessed with him, despite behaving crappy recently. Two and a half months I pretended that I don’t care, but now I do! Everything changed after that night when we had sex, he messed up with my mind. Does this mean that women fall in love after the intercourse? This is so often in movies and books, am I like them? I saw him online in the dating site before and maybe now he is having a dinner with another girl? And I stop thinking: he does not ask me to be with him, he does not suggest his heart to me, he does not talk about relationships and his feelings. Actually, there is no relationship, it is only two strangers that just met. And I cannot suggest him to talk about us, because I am afraid of the answer - that we are nothing! Also he has so many drawbacks, I am not naive.

I have to concentrate, to calm down and to work and to stop thinking about him. I have to stop dreaming. I am one of the girls for him. Also as he is to meet other guys and I will keep this feeling suppressed. I am afraid of this feeling. Will I have to suffer again as I did with The Good Guy Gone Bad? This is just an empty love without any future. Should I tell The Geek that I don’t want to play and to get burned and I choose to say goodbye instead? I definitely should avoid him, forget him and do my own stuff, just to avoid being hurt again. If he is going to ask me, I am going to say him that I am afraid and I want to go away from him. I am doing that quite often in the real life: I am putting all the effort and then when I need to wait for the result, I get scared, I am scared and I don’t want it, I have to avoid him. Maybe I should tell him openly that I am afraid of being in a relationship and to get attached and we should stop seeing each other and he should forget that I exist. Love is a bad thing, it makes people vulnerable, predictable and soft, and I don’t want to be this way. I want to be a bitch, I want to feel nothing, I want to enjoy by manipulating others and don’t get attached. Please leave me alone! Go away from my mind and my schedule! It would be better if The Good Guy Gone Bad came back to my dreams and in my mind, I don’t feel him anything after all. Where are all the other guys? I should get back into the dating site and I should go on dates when it’s not too late. Then I will get over all these feelings! What feelings? There are no feelings! Fuck it! Go away! I have to logout, block him, forget him and to get back to life! To return to the real life and to ditch all dreams about love. I want to live here and now! Goodnight!

The same evening:

I was scared a bit, it was my first visit to ginceologist. It wasn’t as scary as I thought: she checked my uterus - of course the feeling wasn’t the most pleasant (I think that after magnetic resonance I am not afraid of anything anymore). Then she took some samples of my cervix for a PAP test to check my cervix for unusual cells and advised to continue using condoms.

Afterwards I went to the psychologist and we discussed my control issues - he assumed that it can be caused by death of my father and my mother’s alcoholism - the things that I could not, but wanted to control. This is way I am taking all things that are not in my hands so seriously and so sensitive. He told me to analyze my past more, talk to my mother and grandmother. The psychologist advised that I have to cope with this otherwise it will have consequences in my future.

Then we discussed my anger issues - sometimes I start screaming on my mother despite any reason. He assumed that I have holding angriness for her alcoholism in my childhood for too long and I should write her a letter. When I asked him if I should write a letter to my father as well, he agreed that it is a great idea. Then we talked about group therapy that it might help me working in the team. Since the childhood I always took leadership role when I had to work with others - this is how I could get more power than the others.

Also I told him that I still compare The Good Guy Gone Bad with The Geek. Psychologist told me that it is very normal if the relationship was lasting for a longer period of time and they were important to me. Also it can take some time until I will get over him.

Once I got home I got message from The Geek and then from one of my friends. She asked what as The Geek’s friend’s name that we met last weekend in the club while I was with my girls. Apparently that guy texted to both of my friends and I told that to The Geek. He didn’t see any issue here and I told him that it is a great time to discuss what is fidelity for him. He answered that it is a great thing, but now he is not blame people that much that are unfaithful as there can be various situations. Then I asked him which infidelity matters more for him: emotional or physical. And he told that of course physical.

Then I decided that I should not be as other girls: I don’t have to answer right back, I am meeting him once I am available, I am not talking with him when I am angry or tired, I don’t cook and clean for him, I speak shortly and clearly as guys do; if I don’t like something, I tell him immediately; sometimes I pretend being stupid; I don’t have sex when he wants it, I should want it as well; I have to disappear from his radar from time to time.

2013-02-23

Yesterday I was extremely self-confident: I have changed my laptop’s hard drive myself! Fuck Yeah! I don’t think there are manly and girly tasks - it’s only laziness to think more and to learn new things. However, I still like being a delicate flower. I talked with The Geek yesterday and he told me that he is going out tomorrow. And I got jealous! But I just turned my laptop on and I saw his message in Skype, it was almost a midnight and he asked if I am sleeping already. Maybe the method not to always reply and to be passive actually works? I was coming up with various strategies how to get him to talk to me: I did not reply to him or text him first, then I thought that it is the best idea and it is a way to deal with guys. I hoped that I found a golden key (actually I read about it in cheezy Sherry Argov book “Why Men Love Bitches”): do not control your boyfriend, sex partner, husband, children, father, brother, just let them do what they want and just stay there, smile and do not say anything. If you were angry - he would get angry too, if you were happy - we would think that everything is perfect and he is doing great. But just be there, smile, say nothing and stay being busy with your own things. Then he should start thinking what is wrong with her, is she not interested if I do anything stupid again - this is how you will make him thinking about you constantly and questioning your odd behaviour.

2013-02-21

However, at the same time if somebody would asked me about my relationship with The Geek, I would start to thinking about it more than before, the idea would be planted as demonic seed in my mind and I could not get over it. I started to have some doubts about my and The Geek’s relationship on a daily basis: I was checking the online dating site for several days in a row and could always see him online. Also he wrote to me everyday, but he did not seem as interested as before. Then I started to think that maybe he is not ready for serious relationships (we were dating 3 months then) and maybe sleeping with him last weekend was a bad idea. I have met my girls and we went to the club, got a bit wasted and then The Geek came with his friend. One of my girls encouraged me to dance together on a strip pole - things how hot with The Geek and we went back to my place. The sex was quite good, but also awkward as I did not sleep with another guy for fours years and I had flashbacks from the days I’ve dated The Good Guy Gone Bad. Then I got sick and stayed all week at home, I had ideas that The Geek will date other girls while I will be lying in bed. Eventually I decided that it is a time to speak about the relationships (spoiler alert! - it was a totally bad idea). I was questioning myself how my friends could take their boyfriends on a short lease and to get into serious relationship, maybe I am worse than other girls, maybe all guys have a chronic infidelity instinct.

I had a huge urge to know the answers: can we be a serious couple? Is he ready for that? Am I ready for that? Where do we stand now? What can I expect? I also wanted to hear some nice words from him: that he likes me, secretly hoping that maybe he even loves me and will ask me to be exclusive. I had all illusions and bad thoughts in my mind at the same time, I was far away from the reality and sometimes I could make me stop, but most of the time I was like in a dream or nightmare.

2013-02-18

I was going to the psychologist, because I had so many things to solve in my head: I wanted to know how to deal with pain in the neck, how to find work-personal life balance. I also needed to know how to cope with my temper and control issues, how to stop creating scary scenarios in my mind, how to solve childhood traumas: my father’s death, my mother’s renewed alcoholism. I also started to write a diary where I put all my emotions analyze them week by week. Additionally, I started reading psychological books as Irvin’s D. Yalom, Oliver Polak, Sheryl Argov, John Gray Martina Paura, Carlos Luis Zafon and added notes from these books to my diary.

My emotions were changing on a daily basis: once day I was extremely happy and self-assure, the other day I could cry without no reason or be angry on all people. The psychologist helped me realizing that I am not the reason why my mother started drinking again despite 7 years being sober and that’s it’s not the end of the world. He helped me to understand that there are lots of families with a relative that is or was an alcoholic and I have to accept it a reality. Also we talked about my father and why I do not remember anything until I was 5 years old, he assumed that it can be a trauma due to my father’s death when I was 4 years old. He told me to get to know my father better from the memories of my mother and to write him a letter. Maybe this could help me understanding myself better. The psychologist told me that the family, mother and father relationships are the most important thing during first 5-7 years of the childhood. Also he helped me to realize that bad emotions are completely normal and I should be afraid of them, it helps to learn from my mistakes and to look to my life from another angle. He also assumed that maybe once I have better mental shape, my neck will heal as well. The manualist that was performing procedures for my neck told me that I assess reality and situations adequately.

2013-02-17

I started to notice that all that we do is according to The Geek’s need: when we see each other, where we go, how we spend time. Also I am not feeling myself while I am with him: I tried to behave to be perfect the way he wanted me to be and I was afraid to show my real self - I thought I would be rejected. The biggest issue was that I really did not know who I was at that moment: strong woman or a vulnerable girl, perfectionist or carefree. I gave all control to his hands and I was extremely passive - what is usually totally opposite to my personality - but after all breaking-up-and-coming-back-to-the-same-shit type of relationship, I just wanted to relax and enjoy being with someone. Also as I in the relationship for so long and did not date a lot of guys in the past, I had this urge to try something new. I went to see my friend in different city and kissed few guys while partying in the club. I never was unfaithful to the person that I was seeing before. But at the same time I really wanted to lose control and to know how I am perceived by the other guys.

December 2012

The second I broke free from more than fours years of relationship with The Good Guy Gone Bad, I knew that I want to check new horizons. The next day I joined online dating website and started chatting with several guys, of course there were freaks, there were the boring ones, but in that pool of dicks I found one gemstone. So as I ended the relationship with The Good Guy Gone Bad on Friday, the next Monday I went to the first date with The Geek. He was quite opposite to The Good Guy Gone Bad: well educated, very tall, had a great job in international IT company and was going on a business trips: one week he was here, and two weeks he was abroad. It did not take a long time until we started dating regularly: he was really patient with me, I could tell him about my past relationship with The Good Guy Gone Bad, he took great care of me, showed lots of attention. While I was with him, I felt a bit dizzy and confused: each touch, each kiss and sex seemed like with The Good Guy Gone Bad, but at the same time my mind realized that it is a totally different person. I was sure that we share similar interests, political and philosophical views, we perceived relationships similarly and our humour was in tact with The Geek.

November 2008 - December 2012

I have met The Good Guy Gone Bad only a month after I moved to another city to study. We met in one of student’s party and he got interested in me. Then we started dating and most of our friends were common. We were partying together, I was sleeping at his place when his parents were away. The Good Guy Gone Bad, his family and friends become a huge part of my life during those years and they helped me to suppress the longing for my home and my family as they become my family. We also grown up together as The Good Guy Gone Bad was also 19 when we met. However, during those 4 years I was starting to grow up and wanted to have a career and a steady life. And he just wanted to party, travel around and not to have serious commitments.

Especially during the fourth year, our family and friends were constantly asking when we are moving in together and getting engaged, but The Good Guy Gone Bad didn’t even wanted to talk about. He wanted to leave our country and to live abroad. Also his character changed: at first he was a cute and shy guy that was afraid to talk about his feelings and to share his opinion, he was very easy going. He wasn’t experienced in bed and I was his first girl. I slept only with one guy before him, sex was new to both of us, and we experimented together by watching porn and learning from it.

We were always using condoms, but I took post pregnancy pill twice during those four years. He always wanted to try it without a condom in the shower and I was too scared to get pregnant, so I told him that I’ll do that only if I am getting the pill afterwards. The second time was when our condom broke and we were 19 and we were sure that will get pregnant just because of it. We were in a foreign country, so we run around the city searching for shopping mall that would work on Sunday.

Several years later The Good Guy Gone Bad started to have his own opinion about everything and usually it collided with mine, so we started to argue a lot. Then he started to show more attention to his friends and spend time with his friends despite spending it with me. Before that I have been staying with his friends and playing poker with them by being only one girl in a guys gang and there weren’t any problems about it. But after several years I become unwelcome in their group. When we met he smoked lots of weed and it was the only thing that I really hated about him, but eventually I made him to quit it and smoke only on special occasions. Then I smoked it together with him. However, several years later he started to smoke it often again and drank more than before.

The Good Gone Bad didn’t understand that I was studying and working at the same time and he would want to meet me at midnight despite that I had to wake up at 5:30 AM to get to work at 7:30 AM. Then we would argue all the time and I would be crying, screaming and almost getting out of my mind constantly. I would go to the bath and cry for hours that my roommate would not hear me. I did not say anything about problems in our relationships and for other people, our families and friends we looked like a perfect couple. But I think that we just started hating each other. Then one regular Friday I called him after work to ask what are his plans for the weekend and he told me that he would prefer to stay with his friends that weekend. So I told him to fuck of! This is how we ended our relationship after more than four years together: we never talked this through, never took our things, it just ended in few seconds. Then his mother, sister and best friend texted me asking how I am doing, but I did not want to talk to them and told that I am perfect and dating another guy.

February 2008 - September 2008:

I saw The Discoverer in the club and he seemed very nice while singing karaoke, so I found him online and praised his singing skills. Then we started to text each other often, but never become a couple as I was interested in another guy. So we became friends instead. I knew that he likes me, and we were flirting often, but we never kissed or had any other physical contact for almost a year. Then one time we got drunk at the party and started to make out. This lead to that we went to the room where everyone was supposed to sleep after the party. I don’t exactly remember everything, but I think there was one guy sleeping in that room at the same time. It was my first time and I was 19.

After accidental sex, we became friends with benefits. The last time we had sex in my room, The Discoverer left a condom under my bed. It was the last day that I lived at my mother’s home. The next day was supposed to move out to study and live in another city. So you can imagine my surprise to receive a call from mother and discussing the condom under my bed instead talking about my first day in the new city. At least my mother praised me that I was smart enough to use protection. And completely redecorated my room a month after.

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