At what point in someone’s life do they begin to drift away from the people they love and feel more alone than they ever have? Especially being a child fighting for the attention of a parent.
When I was nine years old I remember going to my dad’s after school; My parents divorced when I was two and a half years old so I took turns going to each house.
I had been with my mom and her new husband Daniel for a week straight and it was the day that I was going to my dad’s house. Staying with my dad was always different than staying at my my mom’s house, my half brother was there along with my dad’s mistress. Though it was a different atmosphere there I still looked forward to seeing him - he’s my dad, every young boy needs their dad.
All I wanted was to be around my dad and spend one on one time with him but we never did, any time I was around dad the rest of his family was there. It was never just him and me.
But the day when I walked to his house at the age of nine, that was the day something was supposed to change because dad had planned to take me to the car show, only me. Not Allison, not Mason, just me. It was something I had been looking forward to for the entire week, talking about it nonstop to my friends and my mom, I had even walked faster.
But when I arrived at my dad’s doorstep and attempted to open the door, it was locked. I knocked many times and no one answered. Of course it had come to my attention that his car was missing from the driveway so I waited. It was possible that he was working late.
My nine year old self sat on the front porch, leaning against the front door and taking out my Gameboy to keep myself occupied while I waited for my dad to arrive home.
It became later and colder, but I continued to wait instead of going going back to my mom’s house. I didn’t want to miss my dad, not when I had been waiting for the car show for so long.
The next thing I remember was waking up to my dad shaking me and asking what I was doing. He seemed confused while Mason stood by Allison with a balloon and stuffed animal in his arms from the fair they attended that day.
He forgot me. My dad forgot about our plans and he forgot about me.
He never forgot about Mason though because everything was about Mason since the day he was born.
I may have been his first son but I’d always be the second choice just like my mom was to him.
I was only nine then but they day shaped everything for me, it changed my perspective on my dad all together. He wasn’t a faithful man in marriage and he was a pretty crappy dad to me when all he seen was the family he created with Allison.
All I was - was Thomas, the son from the first marriage. His past.
I’ve learned something very important from my dad and that was that love isn’t a real thing. It’s all physical but when it comes to genuinely caring for someone and having something real, it’s nonexistent.
I never want to be him and I know that I never will be. The man who I once used to look up to I now refuse to look at most days because his actions destroyed me on the inside. He made me feel incomparable to my younger brother.
Asking myself why I wasn’t enough to make my dad want to stay was a question I had often asked, but as I grew older I refused to live for the acceptance of other. I don’t live for anyone but myself anymore.
My relationship with my dad? It’s damaged to say the least, but it’s there. It’s forced because he’s trying to make himself believe that he still wants me around, maybe to make himself look better in magazines. My relationship with women? Well, I’m never going to treat a woman the way my dad treated my mom. I’m never going to be in a solid relationship other than one night stands. Anything serious leads to someone getting hurt and I know that the person getting hurt wouldn’t be me.
That’s the mindset that turned me in to the person I am now. The kind of person who can’t feel towards anyone, who refuses to love or date, and can’t stand to be around my own family.
When I think of the person I’ve become, everything goes back to my dad and it’s because of my broken family that I’ve become cold to the world around me.